No, I've never felt that I have the truth about how the debt accumulated. He won't talk about it - refuses - says it was 'expenses'. Trust is destroyed.
I am afraid of what he'll do next and worry that because we're married - I can be held responsible. Money is very tight. H doesn't seem to mind passing along all household bills to me with the exception of making his own car payment, buying gas and some groceries. He usually doesn't buy dinner items so I grocery shop, too.
Last night I told H that I can't handle all the bills by myself - it is a simple matter of math - and his reply was 'then divorce me'. I don't even know if D is possible because I am worried that I will be assigned half of his debt. What will happen to the house and where will the kids and I live? I need an attorney but I'm not sure how to go about getting someone that's really good and knows about D and bankruptcy. Any ideas?
I'd like to stop living in fear and at least find out what I'm dealing with.
Still here and things continue to get worse. H had a major rant and was screaming as loud as he could at the kids. I calmly asked H to stop but he wouldn't. Says he gets no respect from kids and that's because of me. Blaming me again for a situation of his own doing.
D8 was hyperventilating during H's rant so I took her outside to calm her. She asked me 'Why did you ever marry him?' I know it was said in the heat of the moment but I really have to ask myself that. Better yet, why do I stay? I tell myself it's better for the kids. Really?
Also, no physical relationship. It's been 7 months. That's very painful to think about.
It has been a long time. Your husbands bankruptcy papers are a public record, read them.
In a lot of places, you can be legally separated and living in the same house. IMO, this would be a step that would give you a chance to save your marriage. Spell out what he must pay for in the household. Spell out what you are not responsible for. Or live separately. Have you pulled your credit reports? If not, do that and see what shows--you will have to keep monitoring it every few months. Just keep making corrections (there is always stuff to correct) and get a free new one. You
I divorced long before coming to the DB board, I came here two relationships later, and now I'm in a wonderful 10 year relationship.
Being divorced is tough on you and the kids. But your situation is miserable.
At the end of the day you have to decide what you can live with. Living doesn't mean being miserable. If you choose to stay, find ways to be really happy, truly happy--for you and your kids.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
As a matter of fact I pulled my credit report last Friday and found 1 joint department store account so I closed it.
You're right about my happiness being up to me. I have focused on doing a few things that make me happy and living day-to-day. It's when I look at the big picture and think about the future - that's when I want peace which means D.
So, I am researching attorneys and documenting my situation and questions. I know I need legal advice. I think the thing that will give me peace is not being liable for H's debt. I'm pretty sure that means a D. Planning to visit with attorneys by the end of June.
Went to see attorney today and finally have some of the answers to my questions. I stuck to seeking facts and didn't shed a tear during the meeting.
I'm not rushing into filing for D. Will probably talk to another attorney or two and check on fees.
Just feeling so done today. I'm also contemplating talking to the priest since H lashed out at me about 'my' sacrament of marriage. H just doesn't get that I've already tried to stay in M as long as I could ... one person doesn't make a team and he's an inactive player on the roster.
I haven't visited this board in a couple years. I have remained in my marriage and improvements have been made one small step at a time. I am posting today just in case it gives hope to anyone out there who might be reading it!
How have I stayed? Well, I changed how I was looking at things. First of all, I took back my power and stopped allowing myself to feel like a victim. Next, my new mantra became - happiness is a decision. So, I found small things to be happy about on a daily basis. I continue to do this.
My other mantra comes from a song - 'Just hold on loosely, but don't let go. If you cling too tightly, you're gonna lose control.' This wasn't easy but I started thinking about what I do like about H and letting him know. This was a BIG step for me - to 'live' life vs trying to 'control' life and to begin to trust H again. I am still working on that one...
There is no miracle cure. We continue to work through financial struggles and there is another full year ahead before most of the debt will be cleared. So, I don't know the end of my story yet!
We are almost out of the woods with this major financial obligation. I admit that it's painful to read my own story here but it is also liberating to know that hard work, baby steps and time have improved my M. Our marriage.
I continue to work on myself and do small things each day for the betterment of our M. I pause when making decisions because I want to make choices that are good for my M. and will bring me closer to my H. That part won't end. Gotta keep working on it!
