She says she's conflicted

[25yearsmlc]

Ok, how am I going to work on my Marriage if shes still communicating with OM.

You can't. She will be emotionally blocked to you. This is why everyone is telling you to WORK ON YOURSELF right now.


There will be a time, hopefully, when you can work on your marriage later. This is not that time.


Starsky

Maybe it's semantics, but I think working on yourself IS ALL YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR MARRIAGE ANYHOW...(even if OM did not exist!!!)

you have issues of your own Oxford...Geez, read your own thread.

[25yearsmlc]

I know she is being fed all this cr@p by OM and it drives me nuts. I get frustrated writing about it.

What he is trying to do is get her to get me angry enough to physically assault her.
_________________________


The fact that you believe this^^^ AND That it might work, says a whole lot about YOU.

Get yourself some solution based counseling, and more individual help, b/c YOU NEED IT.

[25yearsmlc]

"Why I even fight for her anymore I don't know..."

I have a theory that as the situation continues without positive progress, there comes a point in which the LBS becomes the WAS.

I believe you have to take a break from pursuing and from trying to win her back, and not only fix yourself, but take time to consider what the R would be like if she suddenly changed her mind and dropped OM and came back.

Would you be able to get past her transgressions? could you truly forgive? and not hold it over her head?

I know, for me, even while i was pursuing, and trying to save the marriage, i also realized i could not.

I have my demons. I did things that I am ashamed of.(no affairs though)
I feel I could forgive.

Start on that now, regardless of what she does/says/feels. It's about letting go of it for your sake, not hers.

At this time, the matter of OM is consuming YOU.

The saying applies: "When you hang onto anger - to punish someone else--

it's like lighting yourself on fire...-----to get smoke in their eyes.
.


The issue is the fact that she fell for a fake phony fraud, and was more interested in his happy go lucky con man life style is what bothers me more than what she may or may not have done with him.

Hmmm, no, the "issue" is you must work on yourself. Ox You don't sound stable or "strong" right now, not to me.

A big part of my "caveman" theory about what appeals to women is NOT about how physically strong or big you are

(though being in good health and good shape counts);

it's about the MENTAL and EMOTIONAL strength a woman can get from a man...a man we can lean on, figuratively and emotionally...that type of man or partner, is calm, not easily angered, very in control of HIMSELF, not controlling others...

Read the letter from the WAW again ----you admit you did mistreat her for a long time and you still do,

but especially the last part about you merely wanting to "win" this...and not so much about how you are in love with or fascinated by her or wanting a happy m.

You never bothered to make any changes in yourself until OM showed up, so how is it that your wife is supposed to believe in your claims of being a different new man? Can you see why she'd hesitate? I sure would.

Ox, we know this hurts...but its now officially an insane dynamic...

You don't seem to believe YOU must change significantly, and that scares me. It scares your wife too. We know this b/c she says it does and she acts consistent with that belief. So does OM, frankly.

The comments he makes may seem bizarre and outrageous b/c hey, HE is an OM!

And yet there is one other dimension to this situation, which he points out (just b/c OM is the messenger, does not mean the content of the message is false)

Ox YOU HAVE GOTTEN PHYSICAL WITH YOUR WIFE before.

Her comments about you "raping" her are alarming to me...(perceived orgasm or not...) are very alarming to me.

and the fact that you COULD ASSAULT YOUR WIFE --- is A BIG RED FLAG.

Yes, I see your wounded pride and ego all over this situation.

You admit you have long had a volatile (and probably abusive) marriage.

So it seems to me that a big part of you, maybe the biggest, just wants to "WIN"...
maybe if she left you and then dated a different OM, you would be fine...or if she stayed alone and single all her life, that would be fine.

Just wanting to keep her from THIS OM, is not the same as wanting to restore a marriage...

[figgeroni]

people can and do orgasm during rape...

it is a bodily function and DOES NOT MEAN they haven't been raped.

Never diminish someone who says they were raped.

power and control are not attractive qualities

[figgeroni]

and she sounds like she is terrified to leave you...

Not conflicted but terrified to leave...like she must appease you

that's a sad commentary

That she is willing to pretend and appease you because she is afraid

[Oxford1]

I know she is being fed all this cr@p by OM and it drives me nuts. I get frustrated writing about it.

What he is trying to do is get her to get me angry enough to physically assault her.
_________________________


The fact that you believe this^^^ AND That it might work, says a whole lot about YOU.

Get yourself some solution based counseling, and more individual help, b/c YOU NEED IT.

I have been through anger management biofeedback you name it...I probably no I am the last person on earth to hurt her.

If walking away will make her happ I would do it.

I have been through so much therapy I don't even know my name anymore...

I actually believe it's Ox..

[Oxford1]

and she sounds like she is terrified to leave you...

Not conflicted but terrified to leave...like she must appease you

that's a sad commentary

That she is willing to pretend and appease you because she is afraid

Wow wait a minute , I never assaulted my wife. I never ever hit her or anything like that never ever. We would argue, she would push me or hit me, she would walk away I would toss whatever was in my hand at her .. 99.9% of the time it neve even landed close to her.
She is rewriting history!

And the rape thing is BS.. She was wearing a lingerie, she seduced me ! I told her I did not want to be wi her she had been with other man...
The rape thing is coming from her OM because if the way the act ended ...he was hoping to get some finally as a going away present and I destroyed that.

All of the therapists including hers has said she has re written what happened. I am giving you her perception.
And I know that's all that counts.

Please don't forget. She ran away,she moved in with OM, she asked for a divorce.

It was her choice to move home, her choice to share the marital bed with me..none of this not one bit was forced on her.

If she wanted to leave tomorrow I would not stop her.

I am not looking to win! Unless you can get in my head and understand how I feel about this woman, don't tell me it's a desire to win..

I love her enough to let her go...if that's what she wants...

I have been working on me.

I came to this board to get advice on what I can do...how I can manage what's happening...
Oh she cancelled the big "D" not me!

[Oxford1]

people can and do orgasm during rape...

it is a bodily function and DOES NOT MEAN they haven't been raped.

Never diminish someone who says they were raped.

power and control are not attractive qualities

One of my close family members is in a relationship with a woman who was raped at 16 by an a$$ hole she met on MySpace.

How dare anyone say I would diminish rape. I have second hand experience from knowing this terrific young woman what it is like and what she has been through. I thank god this SOB who did this to her is in prison forever..

When my wife and I were dating I can't tell you how many fights I had with guys older than me that would grab her or pinch her etc...

I am flabbergasted that I am being attacked in this way.

This pos my wife has attached to admits to things he did as a soldier to woman..strange woman prisoners etc...

To compare me to him is disgusting..

[MrBond]

LET - IT - GO

You really don't see how much this consumes you do you? The anger and hatred coming off of you is unbelievable. That's why you get into so many arguments with your W. That's all you concentrate on.

You keep insisting that you're the better person but you have the same anger and control problems he does. Both of you want to WIN.

If you're the better person, then BE the better person.

[Oxford1]

LET - IT - GO

You really don't see how much this consumes you do you? The anger and hatred coming off of you is unbelievable. That's why you get into so many arguments with your W. That's all you concentrate on.

You keep insisting that you're the better person but you have the same anger and control problems he does. Both of you want to WIN.

If you're the better person, then BE the better person.

Me.Bond
I have to thank you for your insite. It's refreshing that you have me pegged in this way.

I realize what you are saying and this morning things between us have been great.

I have even bit my tongue about asking what happened when she told OM she did not want him coming to the USA and that he should keep the relationship long distance for now.
I agree I have to be the calmer more loving but independent and definitely not angry or needy guy.

I am serious when I say thank you !