1st post. Long but please read, help!

[Zues126]

First off, I love all of you and appreciate the support I've already gained from sharing your struggles. It is now my time to contribute.

About 10 days ago my wife of 10 years told me it was over. We have 3 children, 10, 7, and 3. She was very conflicted at first, but told me she had searched her feelings and was clear we couldn't make each other happy. This meant she was tired of that co-dependent cycle. She then cited all of my flaws, mistakes, and differences. She asked me to move out and told me she wanted a divorce.

THANK YOU FOR THIS SITE. IT HAS GIVEN ME SUCH HOPE. I reacted poorly the first night, but then have been observing the 37 rules and have read the DR and am working on DB. I respected her boundaries, am staying in a friends basement for now. I haven't pursued, and have been very poised about the situation.

We have been communicating through email. I have been business oriented but pleasant, confident, and cooperative. This has been hard. We've exchanged emails every day discussing details. The first week her messages contained everything from resentment, to confliction, to regret, to resignation, saying things like 'I wish this could have worked but it's clear it can never be between us'. Then, the night (Monday) when I said goodbye to the children she was borderline gushy, saying things like 'I know we'll be better off after this, or we won't and we'll be better together'. She has mentioned the potential of growing closer and how she thinks it would be nice to have me as a friend, and how you never know what the future holds. Finally, she sent me an email accidentally that she had written more for therapeutic practice, in which she said she'll always love me and hoped I'd be OK because she thought this was best for both of us. She told me that sending it had been a mistake.

But then on Tuesday she started meeting with a lawyer, and since then the tone has changed. She's been rushing to get this done, trying to get me to give her the house keys, move my stuff out, etc. She's said some hurtful things about getting rid of my things to get rid of the 'negative energy', etc.

I am trying to ignore all that I hear and half of what I see. I have been doing my best day by day to grow from this, see where I failed her, and improve myself. My plan is to grow stronger for three reasons:

1. Maximize the chances of a miracle occurring
2. Maximize the chances that we'd work together better if a miracle occurred
3. Be in a healthier spot should this be unavoidable.

I'm trying to control ME. I'm trying to detach. I'm working on 180s. And slowly I will be trying to GAL, this is part of it. I started the coaching program, GOD SEND. First meeting yesterday, and I was advised to write her a note for when I see her Sunday to visit the kids. It isn't asking for reconciliation, just acknowledging the hurt I've caused and my regret it took until now to recognize it.

So I am trying, but still struggle day by day at times. I love her with all of my heart, and it is soul crushing to think of not knowing my 3 year old as I'm watching her grow up through a telescope. Even at work I feel empty as I've come to learn that everything I've always done has been out of love for her, my life has been one long love song. But I was told it was ok to keep loving her, just accept the pain of not getting anything back at the moment. Finally, I am terrified that this divorce process will diminish any hope as it truly is a scary process that seems to put fear into people and turn even loving partners into people reacting out of fear and protection.

Please support me and welcome me, and if you have any immediate advice let me know. I feel I know you all already and appreciate so much this group. I LOVE MY WIFE and want to get her back if it's meant to be, and if not know that I did everything I could to be the best husband I could until it was too late.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[HopefulStill]

Zeus,
It sounds to me like your wife is in an affair. The things she is saying and the speed with which she is moving you out all indicate it to me.

Don't bury your head in the sand. Look for evidence of what is really going on here. If you want a fighting chance, you must know what it is that you are up against.

-HS

[sandi2]

I'm trying to control ME. I'm trying to detach. I'm working on 180s. And slowly I will be trying to GAL, this is part of it. I started the coaching program, GOD SEND. First meeting yesterday, and I was advised to write her a note for when I see her Sunday to visit the kids. It isn't asking for reconciliation, just acknowledging the hurt I've caused and my regret it took until now to recognize it.

I am not familiar with the program. I am assuming it is sponsored by your church?

You will need support getting through this. There are good people here. I hope you'll post often.

There are a lot of programs and material about marriages. Along with them come different viewpoints and advice. A newcomer can get somewhat confused at times over the differences. We follow MWD principles she teaches in Divorce Remedy, which you've read. I'm glad you have felt the board has already helped you.

You mentioned your W was tired of the co-dependency. Was she referring to you? If so, do you agree?

Do you hold down a full time job? What about her?

Then, the night (Monday) when I said goodbye to the children she was borderline gushy, saying things like 'I know we'll be better off after this, or we won't and we'll be better together'.

By "gushy" do you mean happily excited?

It sounds as if she is definitely calling all the shots, while you follow her instructions.
I am sorry you left the home. Why exactly did you? Just b/c she wanted you to leave?

The other question I have is the statement you made about respecting her boundaries. What do those particular boundaries consist of.......and does it affect you as the head of your home?

[Paz2014]

Welcome Zues!

First, realize that there is no immediate remedy to your pain. It stinks and it stinks big time. So, get comfortable with all the negative feelings you are experiencing. Feel through them and then let go. It looks like the initial shock has not worn off yet. You're feeling a surge of emotions and it will feel like a roller coaster from day to day. Take comfort that you are not alone and the things your W is saying and doing are driven by fear. It's hard to apply the "believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see" when your S is leaving you in the dark. Or, if she is putting all the blame on you. But, as the days go by and you start having a life it will be easier to manage the pain. Just when you think the worst is over...there's more. So, prepare yourself mentally for the worst this way you will not be hijacked by your own emotions. And, of course know how you will respond when you do learn/discover something new.

It's only been six weeks for me and it feels like eternity. I've relied heavily on my faith to get me through my lowest moments. I pray, read books, talk to close friends who are pro M, post on this site, go to IC, speak to a DB coach, and re-read the same books so I don't fall off the wagon. The hardest thing to control right now are your thoughts...the negative ones. Your physiological response creates a sort of frenzy in your body that your mind will find ways to alleviate it.

If you're applying the DR techniques, make a journal of your progress to refer back to when you become discouraged. Any small positive step is still a step so celebrate it. Remember that this stuff takes time and it will require all your patience if you're truly sincere in making your M work. If hypothetically your W is having a A...what are your thoughts on this? Write it down. How will you respond and feel about it? What will you do? And, even is she comes out with it and is remorseful be prepared for it to continue.

In the mean time I will echo what everyone else will say if they haven't already...GAL! Take care of yourself. Turn things around by loving yourself. Go to the gym, try a new hobby, do something totally different that your W will never expect you to do and then record her responses. If she notices...you're on the right track. At first, the changes in you will seem questionable to her and she may even become angry with you. This happened to me but I just kept on. Eventually, I realized that the changes I made were for me and not for him. I was starting to like myself. I recaptured a little bit of my confidence back.

Post often if it helps you to calm your mind. There are a lot of good people here that are rooting for you. You've made a conscious decision to preserve your M rather than running away from your problems...that's worth a big pat on the back.

[recng]

Why would you move out of your own home? Listen, we all make mistakes at first when we got told of a possible divorce as you aren't totally sure what to do, but if I were you I'd move back in immediately.

You should list all the issues she had with you. Also give your version of the relationship. What does she mean by
co-dependent?

[Zues126]

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN! You guys are awesome, I am so appreciate of this site. I know these posts are long and time consuming, and it means a lot that you know I'm a real person and need the support. Let me reply to some of these things.

First off, let me explain the moving out and co-dependency things. I was never physically abusive. Unfortunately my problems and hers seemed to mesh in the wrong way. What I did wrong is that I was DEMANDING. See- I am a professional level competitor in a couple of sports, a very successful professional at work, etc. All because I was raised in a family that demanded a lot. So (STUPIDLY) when I was married I wanted an awesome marriage. I thought that meant that we both should read books, learn each other's love languages, spend time together, listen to each other's fears and dreams, then try to make ourselves the best partner for the other we could. That's fine if I want to do that, the problem is that she didn't. So I got disappointed and frustrated that she wasn't putting more into the relationship. In my mind she was giving 99% to the children and 1% to me. MY DESIRE FOR AN AWESOME MARRIAGE MADE IT MEDIOCRE.

She is the opposite. She is very timid, and soft spoken. She doesn't expect much from me, but in return just wanted to be 'loved for who she was'. She felt she lost herself in the relationship, that I always wanted to change her, and that she was never good enough. To make it worse, she has massive anxiety issues and is very sensitive to anger so when I got frustrated or angry she would react as if I'd beat her physically.

I'm not minimizing this by the way. I screwed up big time. BIG TIME. I feel like I was a drunk driver that killed someone in a crash. The woman I love more than anything in the world, truly love, and I hurt her to the point she had to shatter her hopes and dreams to escape from me. She is terrified of me now, because her life has been about losing herself trying to find ways to make me happy while never measuring up to my expectations. Was I a complete monster, no, I obviously have a lot of love in my heart and tried to pour that on with every action for years. But only now do I realize how terrible expectations are, and how I need to find happiness outside of a relationship.

When she said she couldn't do it anymore she told me she didn't feel safe in the same house as me. I've hurt her enough. I honored her request. And this is naive, but it's true- I don't care what is done to me from a legal standpoint. I WANT her to have full custody, she's been a stay at home mom for 10 years and I've been a mediocre father. I've made strides over the last year or two, but I am not ready to raise kids. And honestly if I see my children a couple of days a week uninterrupted and call them during the week that's probably an improvement from my relationship with them when I was dealing with all of this turmoil. And she can have the house, so the kids are stable. And I make ok money, she deserves a big chunk of it so she can provide. The fact is she has my heart, there's nothing else I'm too worried about. Yes, I'm letting her call the shots, but even if I knew we'd never get back together and knew she was already with another man (which I don't believe at this moment, but I've visualized it for therapeutic reasons) I still feel it's fair based on what I put her through and what's best for her and the family.

Now I've been the one terrified. Every email sent I start shaking, thinking about what it means, looking for any sign that maybe this nightmare could be over. But I'm getting through it. I am STARTING to accept. I am looking at her as an ex-wife now, and that is helping. I am starting to realize that I can do all the 180s I want, but the reality is it sounds like a real long shot that we have a future.

Still. If that's the case, I want to grow from it so I never hurt anyone like this again, so I can be ok on my own, and so that my next relationship is brighter. The coaching I was working on is the DB phone coaching, next appointment in the morning. I've already made progress on several 180s which I can get into in another post.

I need to keep that up, keep accepting this as reality, and GAL. It's hard to find the balance between detaching and giving up. For the millionth time, I love her so much and would love nothing more than a second chance. Every day I feel like my heart as bleeding. But I can only control me at this point, and I can't undo the damage I've done.

Again, thank you for your support. I think the biggest thing you are doing for me is accepting some of the love I have in my heart. I have so much to give at the moment, and no one else to share it with. Love you all.

[MrBond]

Your post is extremely vague. Can you give us specifics of how you acted in anger towards her? What did you say? How do you act?

You said she's "afraid". Of what?

[Zues126]

Sorry. Some shameful things, hard to come out with. Before I tell you what I did, I'll explain how I let this happen.

I was frustrated with our sex life, and was very vocal about it at times. I felt like I had tried to explain to her how important it was to me. It was a way I felt understood and accepted and loved, and I really craved a relationship in which we could be playful, passionate, experimental. She spent hours and hours reading how to be a good mother, but did she once go online and read tips on how to please a man in bed? Her view on sex was that is was there when we both wanted it. I disagreed and was upset. She always made sure the kids got everything they needed, but the one need I tried to express seemed to be dismissed.

Maybe I'm wrong to feel that way, but there is no doubt I was wrong how I handled it at times. There were a few instances that she'll never forget.

One was after a long string of no sex and rejected attempts to initiate. I was really resentful about it, and somehow we had a conversation in which she had asked me 'what's wrong'. That infuriated me. I marched over to the calendar on the wall and circled a date that occurred like 3 weeks ago and said something like "This is the last day we had any type of physical connection. That just doesn't work for me. And what's really bothersome is that you have to ask. I've told you this is important to me in every way I know how, but somehow you just don't get it. Either you can't understand this one concept or you just don't care about me." I probably went on to say that if I was ever in a bad mood again just ask herself if we've been intimate in the last week and if the answer was 'no' don't bother asking. To this day she says she remembers the rage in my eyes when I circled the calendar and says that something inside of her broke at that time.

Beyond that, there were instances in which I pressured her to having sex, and doing things she wasn't comfortable with. I knew I was pressuring her, but somehow thought it was ok because I was only getting what was reasonable. I felt like we loved each other, if she loved me she should give me what I wanted.

I also used pornography during our entire relationship and was upset she wouldn't join in. I never hid it, but felt like she was being unreasonable and prudish that she wouldn't participate and use it as a chance to get closer to me (sharing fantasies, etc).

So while I never hit her or did anything physically, there is no question I was guilty of some terrible things.

I still battle with some of these things. I have read that there are supposed to be 'no expectations' in a marriage and that we are supposed to find our own happiness. But what if I told her I would never work again? What if I told her I would never talk to her again? Aren't providing and communicating expectations? Why should sex be so different when it mattered so much to me? At some point there is a minimum that is not met that is a deal breaker. This is the point of view I'm trying to break little by little. In my relationship I honestly felt I was trying to get her to a minimum that I could live with.

But I am learning. I have spoken about this and thought about it. I have realized the hurt I caused to a woman I love more than I can put into words. And as of Saturday I decided I wasn't going to look at porn again. It's a very new 180 I've added to my list, and it's only day 3 so I'm not saying I've done it. But now I just link it with the hurt I caused, and I see how it deluded my mind. MY FANTASY'S OF HOW MARRIAGE OUGHT TO BE DROWN OUT THE BEAUTY OF THE REALITY THAT I DESTROYED.

I'm still sorting through this. Even should a miracle occur and we get back together I still am in a place where I'd hope she could grow in understanding and meeting my needs better, because in all reality she has room to grow there. But that is a grain of sand on the beach of where I have to grow in terms of letting go of expectations, and being compassionate to a partner when I don't get everything I want.

I am so sorry for the pain I caused. It's really eye opening to put this out there. In my heart I see myself as a very loving person, it's twisted how far you can fall from what's in your soul.

[MrBond]

Wow you diminished ALOT of what you did in your posts. You do understand that for the majority of women, pornography is something that diminishes their self worth, don't you? And the fact that you were demanding that she like it shows what an @$$ you are.

And the fact that you compare sex (which is a personal privilage when a woman or man gives themselves to another person), to having a job, shows you really haven't learned that much.

I can now see why she's afraid of you.

"But what if I told her I would never work again? What if I told her I would never talk to her again? Aren't providing and communicating expectations? "

So her not getting into pornography upsets you even though it makes her feel worthless? Hmmm I guess she's lucky you weren't into rape fantasies or else you'd demand that of her to, right? I mean according to you, that's her job. To make you happy.