Have I any hope... (part 2)

[Mat]

I'll let vets chime; only remember you have a daughter as well. You can't be sure what her intentions are regarding her care.

Also, there are no strict guidelines in the UK as for maintenance to my knowledge. I mean that in the sense that a judge could adjust it any way they see fit. From moneyadvice.co.uk:
"Maintenance for a spouse or civil partner depends principally on the potential recipient's needs, own income and ability to earn income. There are no set formulas and the amount payable depends on the payer’s net income, among other factors."

So I am not sure what you mean by "more than she's entitled to"?

Finally, if you don't want a divorce, it would be quite self-defeating to sign the papers for the sake of "not chasing". If you're not ready to divorce, I'd suggest you say so, and offer to support her through the enquiry. By the way, is she even entitled to benefits if you pay her an allowance?

I think we're going a bit beyond DBing here. I don't want to give bad advice. If you can't afford a solicitor please find a Citizen Advice Bureau near you to talk this through.

Vets?

[bashy]

Thanks Mat. Just about to meet her. Won't let on I have letter. It's a holiday here till Wed so that'll give me time to sort a response hopefully with the help of some vets.

[bashy]

Well kinda good news. Solicitor is doing a letter for WAW for tax credits and the divorce letter is separate for me. So I'm not gonna deal with it for a while till she brings it up. From the conversation we had she wasn't expecting solicitor to do this and doesn't seem convinced but I suppose this is mind reading.

Anyway, did her letter. Asked did she need anything else from me with my name on it and she said no. I said ok. Gd luck in sorting everything. She then complained it was really hard doing this, plus IVA docs plus moving. I said nothing. It was at this point we both got up to leave. She said nothing on way out.

Interestingly she had me in a shopping centre carrying stuff for her new house. It was annoying. I had waited outside with D then got a text asking for help. Then when I'm in with her she's going on about how 'this is lovely, or that is lovely'. I ignored her and talked to D. Then she looks in a big mirror at her figure saying loads of people had been saying she had lost weight. I said nothing again. Then a long pause before she asked what I thought. I said she looked the same as last time I saw her. Then in my house out of the blue she said she didn't really like my new shoes but that I was looking really well. I said TY but didn't return the compliment.

Soooo, as far as I'm concerned she doesn't need my help now. So it's GAL time and continued detaching.

[oad]

yes bashy...detach more..don't get stuck like I sometimes do in a situation where you are forced to deal with walk a way wife. My wife tells people how hard it is and that im probably trying to make it hard on purpose. She is very pridefull and stubborn and sticks to her guns no matter what. Detach and indifference is the key here. Let her get her own stuff for the apt. tell her while you go shopping bring me the D. tell her to text you when she gets back so you can drop daughter off, and leave.

[bashy]

Thanks oad. More detaching needed. Will be concentrating on this with counsellor next time.

[oad]

yes and on my thread sandi2 posted a good chunk of info on being indeferent and what WAW think on being friends.

[bashy]

I read your thread oad. Some great advice which I've been trying to follow.

Interesting thing happened today. It's holiday weekend here were I live and D and I stayed up late to watch a bonfire with my family. Anyway WAW never contacts me at the weekend EVER when I have D until it's time to collect her.
Well, lo and behold I get a phone call at 8am on Saturday (today) by WAW sounding very jovial - the total opposite to how she left me yesterday. Asking could she speak to D and did we have a good night. I wasn't even awake when she rang which was gd for my response cus I was too tired and my senses hadn't awoken either. I told her D was still asleep and we had a great night... and left it at that. She said ok and that she'd ring later. Call lasted 15 secs max.

Soooo, Sandi's points could well be working for me. Me and my WAW as friends ie me the puppy dog?!?! No more!!

[Mat]

Great stuff man. Enjoy the long weekend. Jealous about the bonfire it's been ages since I was near one! That and swimming in a freshwater lake. I don't think I'm I the right part of the world right now...

Hope the weather is nice there. Just take brief moments of mindfulness to enjoy your feelings of peace, and the company of your daughter. Allow yourself not to worry about crap until tomorrow night AT LEAST!

[bashy]

So just before dropping D off to WAW on Sunday I get a call out of the blue from my cousin's H. Invited me to watch the World Cup final with them and my other cousin and BF. Was delighted. I never get that sort of call but I suppose my new GAL is being seen by others who now know I won't say no like I did in the past.
So I dropped D off to her mum. We spoke briefly to confirm I'd collect D this week for the day as WAW is at a wedding. Not much said. All pleasant. But she complained while brushing her hair that chunks of it were falling out.... I said nothing, gave D another big hug, hit the road, worked like a trojan in the gym then had the best night watching the football with a lovely pizza (just to build up those calories I'd burnt off at gym lol).

Had a bit of a downer for a day or two after but today sat down and looked at my finances.... should I move out of my dads and rent a new place for myself or not? Tough choice. Loads more money if I stay there but it's kinda awkward with D there at the weekend as it's simply not our own place.... BUT, with the extra money I have I can treat her to things I never could have before.
It's a tough one but I'm gonna think it over more before deciding. I wouldn't be pennyless if I got my own place but my choices of a social life etc would be limited for me and D. One good thing to come off it... I thought less of WAW.

[bashy]

So my WAW is DBing me lol. Wouldn't answer my texts about collecting D today. Then rang and told me her worries about tax credits and IVA etc. I listened and again told her I can support but not advise. Then told her I'd be down to her house next week to sort through paperwork.
'Thought you weren't going to help me' she said. Well I'm getting my papers and can sort that. She says would I help her move by driving a van. I said the day she needs me is my day with D. She seemed peeved.

Then a call just now. Basically in tears. She has no plan B if her money is cut and can't afford new apartment. Says that the government investigation was unfair on her as it involves me. Be careful she says, they could come after you. Told her I don't care cus I can't afford more than I've agreed with IVA. I asked what would she like me to do more than I've done. Sit down with her, she says, to go over paperwork. Sure I did that last week I said. She then goes into a huff and says goodbye.

Any thoughts anyone?