180s When Separated

[LBSinTX]

I'm separated going on 6 weeks. I've thought of some 180s but really don't know how they'll make a difference when I have limited contact with my W. Is anyone else going through a similar situation? I have limited communication but I'm focusing on making that communication more effective and avoiding words and behaviors that might have opened the door to arguments in the past. Working on my appearance and in general just being more responsible. The whole separation in itself has been a sort of a 180 because I've turned around my tendency to pursue, plead, beg etc...

[Cadet]

What kind of DAD are you?

How can you be better?

[LBSinTX]

Cadet,

That is number one on my list but haven't really thought about it being in relation to her. I'm working on being more nurturing and understanding with all of the people in my life but none more than my children.

[Cadet]

You make the changes for YOU!
To be the best YOU that is possible,
not to win her back.

Believe me a GREAT DAD is VERY attractive to a woman,
especially when they are her children too!

[dawgy]

Very wise words Cadet . This is part of my strategy for being more attractive . Being a great Dad is at the top of my list and should be on any LBD s

[hope224]

I am going through a similar situation but I have more contact with my H since we have a 7 month old together. To be honest, I feel so much better being away from the negative energy. I have yet to adjust to a normal routine. I work full time so I dont thinktoo much about it. H seems to want to make contact with me as much as possible while telling me he is firm on his decision on getting a divorce.
But, I am working on my communication skills and things have been pretty ok between us so far. I have not had time to start exercising but that is my next goal to GAL.

[ssmith]

Good point cadet... I'm new to divorce busters wife and two girls moved out just over two months agoat first I was smothering them not realizing how I was doing more harm than good now I try to focus all my energy on being a fantastic dadI can't control what my wife does but I can control what I do..hopefully in time me being the best I can bewill win her back in the end but that is not up to me to decide

[Pyrite]

Bump - OP - this has been my concern as well. I didn't consider it so, but I have been doing a few 180s. There is no way for her to know these details. I suspect like has been said above, the 180s are for you, not to impress him/her. I think it is all part of creating a new, improved you - and thats what becomes visible to your spouse.

[PigPen]

I"m in the same boat guys, separated, NC, and spending a few months out of the country.

Even though we have NC, I'm talking to a therapist every week, staying sober, and being 100% honest with everyone that I meet about my situation. All of which are 180's that she will never know about. I believe that we're going to have to see each other at some point when I get home and like most things, the truth of how I've been and how I've changed will be written all over my face.

Either that or she's just feel the difference in how I carry myself. Do the work for you, you're either going to come out of this with reconciliation or with a future relationship at some point. Might as well get started on taking care of yourself, and learning about who you are either way.

[ILYNOT]

So me and my wife have been separated for 3 months, she was at her parents and now she has her own apartment, Im going to counseling twice a week, one day for anger management, one day for Family counseling, I also joined a bootcamp fitness class last week, I am detaching, no more texts, calls, etc. just simple replies to anything she texts me about the kids. Im reading DB book, listening to Christian upbeat music, going to church. Still miss her a lot, the weekends are the hardest for me since the house is so empty. but Im still hanging in there, being positive.

[ILYNOT]

180 while separated for me:

Be the greatest dad ever to my kids.

Read self help books.

Exercise.

Laugh.

Relax.

[asitis]

RG, you'll get more advice posting in the Newcomers forum (which really isn't a good title, since it is sort of the main thread), but I was perusing the other forum and saw your latest.

I'd respond to what do you mean by being the greatest dad? Are these ways that will show your W that you have changed in ways that address the issues she had with you?

For instance, my W complained that I was too critical of her. I realized that despite making big changes in how I dealt with her, that she claimed she didn't see them as big enough to overcome trust that I would be good for her, and that she was likely seeing that while my parenting style has definitely improved that I still spend too much time correcting my kids and not enough time praising and complimenting them. Hmmm, I wonder why my wife isn't convinced that I have changed enough? I use myself as an example, because I think we tend to pat ourselves on the back for improving an area (I'm definitely a better dad in the past year for a number of reasons), but don't always see that the specific improvements in one area of our life don't reflect the ways in which our S has concerns about us as a H/W. So, they see change in the way we deal with them, and they see change in the way we deal with our kids, but they don't see the changes they want for themselves exactly reflected in the ways we deal with our kids and so they don't see the changes as convincing. This, of course, drives us crazy as we swear it is their fault for not seeing the real progress we have made, but maybe it is not so crazy after all. Maybe they are just picking up - consciously or not - that everything doesn't add up.

So, that's why I'm asking about specifics on what it means to be the greatest dad you can be as a 180 (setting aside the obvious, as I doubt you were the worst dad before, which is what this literally is saying)? Is it reflecting the changes she wants in her relationship with her, or is it an improvement but doesn't give her "proof" that the changes are trustworthy? See what I mean?

This has been one of the most important lessons I've learned (and I'm still struggling with it), so I offer it as food for thought.

Good luck!

[ILYNOT]

I used to never have time to listen to my kids, I am beginning to listen to what they have to say.

I used to get angry at my kids all of the time for dumb things, I am taking anger management classes and learning to control myself, I am much calmer now.

I am giving a lot of time to my kids, I tell them I love them more often.

Now I just need to change the way I communicate with the WW, I have to learn to walk away as I argue with her, I have a long way to go.

[ILYNOT]

So proud of my kids today, S14 graduated today from middle school, D12 graduated from elementary yesterday, my nephew also graduated yesterday from high school, too bad the WW had the kids or else they would be with me celebrating with my family my nephews party. Oh well. I get my kids tomorrow, thinking about taking them to the movies or somewhere new, maybe camping, fishing, who knows.

[Raul]

You make the changes for YOU!
To be the best YOU that is possible,
not to win her back.

Believe me a GREAT DAD is VERY attractive to a woman,
especially when they are her children too!

I was told this as well. But in my case, this has no affect with my W. I'm assuming since I have always been caring and nurturing to my two Ds 6,9. My W has always told everyone that I was the best father to our Ds. So when she left, she left me our two daughters and told me, not to worry, she is not looking for a father for our daughters, she looking for someone for her...visualize her with a knife stabbing my heart because that is how it felt.