180s When Separated

[ILYNOT]

180 while separated for me:

Be the greatest dad ever to my kids.

Read self help books.

Exercise.

Laugh.

Relax.

[asitis]

RG, you'll get more advice posting in the Newcomers forum (which really isn't a good title, since it is sort of the main thread), but I was perusing the other forum and saw your latest.

I'd respond to what do you mean by being the greatest dad? Are these ways that will show your W that you have changed in ways that address the issues she had with you?

For instance, my W complained that I was too critical of her. I realized that despite making big changes in how I dealt with her, that she claimed she didn't see them as big enough to overcome trust that I would be good for her, and that she was likely seeing that while my parenting style has definitely improved that I still spend too much time correcting my kids and not enough time praising and complimenting them. Hmmm, I wonder why my wife isn't convinced that I have changed enough? I use myself as an example, because I think we tend to pat ourselves on the back for improving an area (I'm definitely a better dad in the past year for a number of reasons), but don't always see that the specific improvements in one area of our life don't reflect the ways in which our S has concerns about us as a H/W. So, they see change in the way we deal with them, and they see change in the way we deal with our kids, but they don't see the changes they want for themselves exactly reflected in the ways we deal with our kids and so they don't see the changes as convincing. This, of course, drives us crazy as we swear it is their fault for not seeing the real progress we have made, but maybe it is not so crazy after all. Maybe they are just picking up - consciously or not - that everything doesn't add up.

So, that's why I'm asking about specifics on what it means to be the greatest dad you can be as a 180 (setting aside the obvious, as I doubt you were the worst dad before, which is what this literally is saying)? Is it reflecting the changes she wants in her relationship with her, or is it an improvement but doesn't give her "proof" that the changes are trustworthy? See what I mean?

This has been one of the most important lessons I've learned (and I'm still struggling with it), so I offer it as food for thought.

Good luck!

[ILYNOT]

I used to never have time to listen to my kids, I am beginning to listen to what they have to say.

I used to get angry at my kids all of the time for dumb things, I am taking anger management classes and learning to control myself, I am much calmer now.

I am giving a lot of time to my kids, I tell them I love them more often.

Now I just need to change the way I communicate with the WW, I have to learn to walk away as I argue with her, I have a long way to go.

[ILYNOT]

So proud of my kids today, S14 graduated today from middle school, D12 graduated from elementary yesterday, my nephew also graduated yesterday from high school, too bad the WW had the kids or else they would be with me celebrating with my family my nephews party. Oh well. I get my kids tomorrow, thinking about taking them to the movies or somewhere new, maybe camping, fishing, who knows.

[Raul]

You make the changes for YOU!
To be the best YOU that is possible,
not to win her back.

Believe me a GREAT DAD is VERY attractive to a woman,
especially when they are her children too!

I was told this as well. But in my case, this has no affect with my W. I'm assuming since I have always been caring and nurturing to my two Ds 6,9. My W has always told everyone that I was the best father to our Ds. So when she left, she left me our two daughters and told me, not to worry, she is not looking for a father for our daughters, she looking for someone for her...visualize her with a knife stabbing my heart because that is how it felt.