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Originally Posted By: mdu
So H and I seem to be on the very cusp of piecing. And it scares the Poop outta me. I'm trying to find a thread in the piecing forum that is successful. But it seems whenever I open a thread and read the signature the final line is: 'Separated again' or 'OW/M #2 discovered' or 'D final xx/xx/xx'

Anyone have links to successful piecing threads?? I want to get a realistic picture of what's sure to be a windy, bumpy road ahead. And most importantly, what WORKS.


I think what happens a lot of time, mdu, is that by the time we successfully piece together our marriages we are SO burnt out from posting, and generally just feel put thru the wringer, that most people don't bother to stick around here and pay it forward and share their success stories. It would be very useful, I agree.

There are still some of us around however who did put Humpty back together again, who can guide you.

I will say that piecing, for me, was probably 3-4x more difficult than DBing and affair-busting. And it IS qualitatively different, too, and calls for different strategies, tactics and attitudes.

I think Jack Three Beans has an excellent thread over on the Piecing forum about just that -- I'll try to link to it here for you. In the meantime, you can always ask anything you want and we can try to answer.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Starsky and mdu.

That's a lot better explanation for the low number of posters who are restoring their marriages!

I know if my H were here and we were working on things, I wouldn't be posting much either.


OTOH, the idea that "piecing" is going to 3-4x more difficult than everything so far..well, I'm trying not to worry about that.

IF I ever get there, I know I can handle it.
If the last 19 months haven't slain me, that's a good indicator.

I have read a lot of Jack Three Beans' posts and there are plenty of gems there!

---GG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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I know it sounds daunting, GG, but there are fits and starts along the way and the good stuff begins to outweigh the yucky stuff. My wife and I had a wonderful "honeymoon period" for a few months, then some tough fits and starts, and things got slowly better over the next 6-24 months.

It takes awhile to destroy (or near-destroy) a marriage; it takes awhile of hard work to piece it back together. But it's sooooo worth it! When I look into the face of my happy granddaughter (another one on the way!), or see my family gathered for a NOT split holiday, I realize that all of our hard work was worth it!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Right after the discovery he agreed to work on things and was doing everything right for about 2 weeks, then suddenly became very ambivalent and it all went South. That's when I told him to leave the 1st time, he left for 10 days then we reunited in MC office and he declared he definitely wanted back in. He immediately came home and I'd say within less than a week things started going South again. He hung in there for a full month but his ambivalence and disinterest in really doing the work steadily increased until I asked him to leave the 2nd time. He's been gone nearly 2 months this time and we've basically been 'dating' the past 3 weeks.


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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I haven't shared an update recently. And H and I are still in the beginning stages of piecing. But I see how confusing it all seems.

After H's first A in 2005, we did it ALL wrong; it was allllll "honeymoon period," with no tough work. This time, we are putting in the work ... and it IS difficult. But it's also very enlightening and rewarding.

I think the main ingredient for a success story is having two people who BOTH agree to make changes in themselves and their relationship. I've done A LOT of "going-outside-my-comfort-zone" (re: being my H's "recreational partner"), and he is meeting MY needs like never before by actually spending time TALKING and listening. He is religiously taking me out at least once a week and even insisting on us meeting outside for at least 20 minutes every afternoon once he's home from work, just so we can talk about our day.

"His Needs, Her Needs," following the advice/support I received here and in DR for re-attracting my H by creating changes in ME, can likely be credited for saving my M and family.

I'll post more later on an update. (And, yes, I'm still in the infant stages, so I don't yet call myself a "success story".) But I'm still here, reading all the time, and can answer any questions from my own experience, mdu. smile


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Originally Posted By: Train
I haven't shared an update recently. And H and I are still in the beginning stages of piecing. But I see how confusing it all seems.

After H's first A in 2005, we did it ALL wrong; it was allllll "honeymoon period," with no tough work. This time, we are putting in the work ... and it IS difficult. But it's also very enlightening and rewarding.

I think the main ingredient for a success story is having two people who BOTH agree to make changes in themselves and their relationship. I've done A LOT of "going-outside-my-comfort-zone" (re: being my H's "recreational partner"), and he is meeting MY needs like never before by actually spending time TALKING and listening. He is religiously taking me out at least once a week and even insisting on us meeting outside for at least 20 minutes every afternoon once he's home from work, just so we can talk about our day.

"His Needs, Her Needs," following the advice/support I received here and in DR for re-attracting my H by creating changes in ME, can likely be credited for saving my M and family.

I'll post more later on an update. (And, yes, I'm still in the infant stages, so I don't yet call myself a "success story".) But I'm still here, reading all the time, and can answer any questions from my own experience, mdu. smile



Oh Train, this gladdens my heart so!!! I have been remiss in not checking on you, as we've been overwhelmed with health issues with my wife's parents lately, but I am so glad to read your update.


smile smile smile


Keep up the good (and hard) work!!!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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I may have never met you, Starsky, but I will always have a special place in my heart for you, HS and Wonka for all your help and advice during a couple of the darkest months of my life. Y'all's words of wisdom will always be imprinted on my mind and in my heart. I am indebted to all of you. And so is my M.

Done with my hijack!

Update soon, I promise! Hearts to y'all. And keep digging, mdu!


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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PS Starsky, hope things turn around soon for your in-laws!!!


M: 40 H: 44
Married 14 years
S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M
2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart
Piecing: April 2014
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Thanks Train and thanks AGAIN Strasky. I will echo Train's sentiments, I really hope that things take a positive turn with your in-laws!


So my next challenge is H's b-day is next weekend. I'm trying to decide what to do. For Father's day I wrote him card, essentially thanking him for being a good Dad (very true). I was thinking of doing similar for his b-day. Here's what I came up with. Getting it out there now so I have plenty of time to edit. It's very brief but about what I could handle with complete sincerity right now. I believe his LL is words of affirmation so I think this will be the most meaningful gift I could give. Any feedback, always much appreciated!

"Dear H,
Happy birthday! You are a special man whose infectious smile always brings joy to all those around. I wish you all the very best on this special day.
Love, MDU"


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 768
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Had an eventful night. Lots to process. I screwed up a bunch but I think there were some good points (I hope). Time will tell, I suppose. I’m trying to forgive myself for all the mistakes, it’s tough.

As part of our reconciliation discussion H and I talked about MCing. I mentioned to him that I had been speaking to a marriage coach and that another option would be he could speak with her and see if he thinks that’s useful (my DBing coach and I had planned this suggestion if H and I ever got to this point). H agreed. So we set up an appt with DBing coach, I quickly debriefed her on the latest happenings then got off the call and H called her to speak. I was not on the call while H and DBing coach spoke. H txted me afterwards and asked when we could speak, I told him after the kids go to bed.

So, I call him last night and ALL THREE of my weaknesses got the better me: expectations, impatience and anger. I expected H to immediately tell me all about his call with the coach. When he did not, I started to get annoyed. In an effort to manage my anger I quickly got off the call. But unfortunately I continued to ruminate about my frustration so called him back and immediately got on him, letting out my frustrations about all that’s happened and feeling like I don’t know what’s going on with him. He said he was going to tell me about his call but that I got off the call too quick. I reiterated that I am just getting so frustrated and fed up because he does not communicate and I don’t know how we will ever make all this better. Obviously I realize that harping on him isn’t the way to get him to open up but to be fair, this was a BIG issue in our M and raises a lot of fear in me with the prospect of reconciling. H is a ginormous avoider and rug sweeper. I told him I’m so afraid that he’s not going to change that behavior and next thing you know, I’m shocked to discover that he’s absolutely miserable and having another A. He said I know, I told the coach I need to work on that and show you I can change it.

Then we talked a bit about some discussion he had with coach about coming home. He actually does NOT feel ready to come home now. He wants to work on the M but he’s afraid to come home and then things that were not good about the M will upset him again and he’ll want to leave. He said that when he was here the first time there were triggers that made him think ‘this will never work, we will never be happy’. I said you’re making it seem like I have to be the perfect wife or else you’ll bolt again. He said no, I realize that I need to change my attitude and not assume that just because we have a bad day that we can never be happy. Having said that, it just underscores the fact that he is clearly looking for consistent changes from me (of course we all knew that’s part of the process). Yet another reminder to work on me, me, ME! He also talked about understanding that I have triggers bc of the A and he discussed a bit with the coach how we can deal with them together. I thought that was really positive.

I must admit, it scares me that he is not really begging to come home. I think his reasons are sound and valid but I feel like I’m supposed to have the upper hand here since he had the A and it doesn’t quite feel that way anymore after this discussion. Does that make sense? Is this bad? Having said that, it seems pretty clear that he does want to work on the M and I get the sense that he will do what it takes to try to fix things with me. He readily talked to the coach and even with my anger during our discussion (which I was able to eventually calm down and apologize), he hung in there and continued to talk to me when in the past he would have shut down, or gotten angry himself. And I think we had some good discussion in spite of how it started.

Feedback, thoughts? Man, this is exhausting already!!


M: 42
H: 43
M: 8 years
S7 and D4
H has D19 and S25 from previous M
Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA
1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail
2nd separation: 5/1/14
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