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MLP,
You are amazing! Your strength and dedication to your H in all of this is inspirational. I gave up so quickly when my W went WAW on me. I really wish I'd been strong then (and found this community and the DR book immediately) as I wouldn't have done more damage to the R.
I was watching SportsCenter just now and they were showing highlights of the ESPYs. One of the recipients of an award (he's battle cancer) quoted Jim Valvano (died of cancer a long time ago) who said "Don't give up, don't ever give up" and said those seven words guide him in his fight. They seemed really fitting to your handling of the situation. Dawgy, you too, if you're reading this, I've read quite a bit of your situation too.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
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Hey MLP , you are doing a fantastic job DBing . You are soo strong and whenever you feel like you dont wanna do this anymore remember your not alone . Many many people deal with this type of sitch and only the strong survive . All those couples you see that have been together for 40 , 50 + years , I guarantee theyve had their share of affairs to deal with . I know my grand mother had a rough time with my grand dad . She said he had an OW for 3 years but she stayed in different and it ended . Theyve been together 52 years .And get this she had an A for 2 years after he had his lolol .So you see , a LTR can go through alot of tough times but the real relationships survive .


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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Posts: 334
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Eatsma Offline OP
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Ha - I'm not so sure I'm doing a fantastic job DBing, but I'm doing what I'm doing. It's a process....That said - I kind of hate to think of all of the relationships that have had affairs. It makes me sad. I guess I really believe in marriage being between one man and one woman. It's funny (pathetic) that I still believe that eight months in. It really depresses me that I didn't have that.

Journaling:
I am in an interesting place this morning, feeling quite detached actually. It's a little curious. So much has changed in the last week that I need to look at it a little bit...

1) Last week I learned that our 15D knows that Daddy has been unfaithful. She has talked to me about standing up for myself, but understands that I'm standing up for a marriage. I've talked to her a little bit about MLC and the stages, and she definitely agrees that H is not himself. I've tried to explain that working with someone in MLC is a little bit different because you can't really reason with them since they're dealing with their own mental crises. She's totally rattled (understandably so) that he is untrustworthy and has broken promises to his wife and family. I've offered to have her talk to a counselor, which she has turned down. (My IC thinks that the way I've handled this so far has been outstanding and suggests nothing further.)

D has become quite distant from H. I wonder if a) he will notice or b) she will initiate a showdown. I'm not certain.

I have not told him that she's in the know.

If she confronts him, he will be blindsided. I figure it will be a consequence of his behavior, and I won't protect him from that. He will, probably, blame me for having kept the books someplace where D could find them. a) if he hadn't had the EA/PA, I wouldn't have needed the books. b) I'm not sure where I could have kept them in my house where a child might NOT have found them. Not going to get defensive or worked up about that.

2) H is like a wave right now, in a state of advance and retreat. Yesterday morning's silence in the car was replaced by a flurry of IMs ("I want to buy a sports car!" "You probably should."; "I think I should play WoW with S more." "Great. Why don't you." "You should play with us." "Er...I've never played before." "We'll teach you." "Okay." "Really??? Okay???" "Sure...I'll give it a try."

So - after dinner with the family and D's boyfriend (unexpected--we had thought D and her BF were going out but they elected to stay, and it was lovely), I learned how to play the game with H and S13. Both were so excited that I was playing. So - gaming with him...that's a 180 for me. He's been asking for me to play this game with him for YEARS.

H was complaining that he wasn't feeling well as we went to sleep. Stomach issues. This morning I woke up before the alarm went off, so we didn't see much of each other. As I dashed off to take my son to school, I yelled Goodbye over my shoulder. No kiss goodbye today - something that we've continued to do in front of the kids for 8 months. He didn't advance to give me one, and I didn't retreat to the kitchen to make sure that it happened. I realized as I drove son to school that I didn't make H his cup of tea this morning, either. I think this is the first time in YEARS that I didn't do that. Detached? Yep - seems like I'm becoming more and more detached.

So retreat (silence), advance (lots of IM and playing games), retreat (silence again today....Really, I've heard nothing since goodbye!).

3) One comment that H did make this morning is that his status with the hotel where he stays in OW's city hasn't been upgraded. He's mad because they should "know how awesome he is." (Seriously with the MLC self-centeredness. Honestly - it's so disgusting.) He is headed back there next week. So - I'm starting to feel a little bit of anxiety creep in about that.

So much has changed over the last 8 months. We went from a relationship where we had no secrets to one where we both have secrets (he doesn't know that I've told friends, for instance). I've watched him go from openly texting and emailing OW, to hiding in his office for hours so he can do so quietly, to seeing him deliberately spend more time with me and the kids and NOT IM or email her....So, he's making that concession.

My last conversation with him about OW was over a month ago, when I suspected they were going to see one another on a business trip to another office. He confirmed my suspicion. I have not asked about their interaction there. He has suggested that nothing happened, but I've not taken the bait to engage in a conversation about it. Eventually we will discuss that - but for now I'm completely dark on talking about his affair, be it EA or PA. He will have to wrestle with that all by his lonesome. I figure talking to him about it is pursuit of its own kind. He knows how I feel about the OW. But not talking about this anymore...another 180. Not sure if it's the right one, but it doesn't seem like it's hurting.

Honesty and fidelity. That is what I want to get back to. I have no clue how long that is going to take...I wonder if I need to totally detach (to the point where we aren't living with each other) or if the relationship with OW will crumble to dust and blow away on its own. At some point though, and I don't think it's yet, he and I will need to talk specifically about honesty and fidelity....I think the affair needs to burn out first, and since I'm not sure that it has, it likely hasn't. He knows that I am disgusted (and not fooled) when he tries to suggest an alternate reality to me. He is a little bit spooked by my sixth sense. (For instance, in the spring he was going to her city and he told me that she wasn't going to be there because she was going to be in a different office. I said, "Sure. But she's not going to be in the other city for the entire time you're in her city, is she." He blinked, and admitted that she was not going to be elsewhere for the whole trip. Do not lie to me. It is disgusting and totally not okay. Seriously - he's like a child in that he thinks the lie will make things better, when it actually only makes things worse.)

The business that they work for was put up for sale last week....We'll have to see if he/they even have a JOB in six months. Oddly, this doesn't stress me out that much! Perhaps I'm hoping it will force their separation. Hahaha--there's no perhaps about it!




Last edited by MLP; 07/17/14 02:00 PM.
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I really admire that you're there. I go in and out of that kind of detachment and we've been separated three months. I wish I had been able to get there when he was still at home.

Keep up the good work, MLP!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Originally Posted By: MLP
Uh oh. Long flowery email from H about how he wants to spend every moment of his life with me. Time away from me is time wasted.

This from the guy who says I over romanticized the relationship.

Nice words, but what do I do with this????


Hi, MLP. I've not read your entire thread, but just wanted to remind you to pay attention to H's ACTIONS, not his words.

As far as putting up with any Affair, just make sure you aren't baking him any cakes... know what I mean?


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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ForeverYoung -

This has been something I've wrestled with since the very beginning.

So many books (including DR!) say that to deal with the MLC affair, it's really best to ignore the affair.

How do you stop cake eating if you're not acknowledging affair?

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I agree MLP . It seems a bit of a contradiction when you ignore what they are doing and trying not to allow cake eating . Cake eating is totally going on in my sitch . But I detached from the sitch , so it seems to allow that behavior . One thing I have trouble with is determining what type of affair my wife is having . It certainly looks like an MLC. Also I want to agree with Forever young to only pay attention to his ACTIONS not his words , because you'll likely see him do things counter to what hes saying . Ive seen this alot with my wife . You are doing a great job MLP . And there will be days you feel alot more detached than others . And If your like me there will be days yet that you still feel very close .


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
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You don't get it.

There's no problem "acknowledging" the A. However, too many times, people make that the sole source of focus and they concentrate just on the A without changing themselves. Without change, why would the WAS want to come back?

Plus you definitely don't go and tell everyone you know about the A. That does more harm than good.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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I agree with MrBond. No cake until it is 100% certain the A is over and the OW is out. You've got your health to protect too. Emotional and physical.


Me: 34 W:33
T: 10 M: 6
S: 6 D: 5
BD: 5/14
Still together(ish)
Not giving up: 7/14
D talk has slowed, a lot.
Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms.
Slow and Steady wins the race.
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,077
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I'm finding myself agreeing with MrBond a lot in this thread. Dawgy, it seems you're missing the focus here: work on YOU.


M: 37 H: 36
M: 13 T: 18
D: 7
Bomb: 6/30/14
Separation: 8/11/14

Be strong enough to let go and wise enough to wait for what you deserve.
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