Finally found DB...New here

[Eatsma]

ACK! One last thing (I'm all over the place today...)....

So - our kids are going to camp in a few weeks and we're going to be alone.

H wants to go with me to his parents summer house, and then he wants me to go to Toronto. He will go to work. I will work from the hotel room. (My job is flexible like that.)

I think this is another way that he gets to go work in the city where OW is with a babysitter (in this case, me...). He hasn't been there since May. His next trip he is going with a co-worker (and I think I remember that co-worker and his wife nearly caught H and OW at the hotel very early on).

I'm really struggling with this. I don't really want to go to her city and potentially run into her. That said, I appreciate the fact that he feels that he will restrain himself from his addiction if I'm around.

He's said he wants to talk about this tonight. Every time he brings it up, I'm silent. I'm really stuck in a place of stillness and silence right now.

[Eatsma]

Well....

We didn't talk about the trip last night. Instead, we worked on my resume. (I'm applying for a job and he asked me a few days ago if I had "the courage" to send him my resume and cover letter. Fascinating. Why wouldn't I have courage? I'm a smart woman and can write a letter. When I sent it, his response was, "Try as hard as I may, I have no improvements to make to this letter." Thank you, Mr. Important Businessman.)

We did all of our "work" remotely from one another. He disappeared into his office, I stayed in my kitchen...Communicating over iChat seems to be where we do the most "talking" these days.

At any rate - things are still shifting. He asked me last night if we had any "sleep tea." I guess he really is struggling with sleeping these days. So, I said yes and he asked me to make him a cup, which I did. Then I left the house to get our daughter. Honestly, I had hoped that he'd be asleep by the time I returned, but he was still on top of the covers, waiting for me. I said good night and we went to sleep..

There seems to be a heavy blanket of silence between the two of us now. This morning we lay in bed after the alarm went off for about 45 minutes. At one point I asked him if I was supposed to be encouraging him to go for a run or a bike ride. He said no - it was his rest day from training (and I was supposed to know that since he's sent me his schedule). Anyway - the total silence is new. It's weird. New stage? Not sure. Can't mind read, so I'm just observing.

He mentioned the other day that he wants to go bowling with the whole family before the girl goes to camp for a month. Tonight was the night that could happen, and I told him so. Do I remind him of this, or do we just see if he remembers? Planning something but not executing it seems to be one of his specialties right now.

Lastly - I had to take the boy to his summer school class this morning, and H was in the bathroom when we left. I sent him a text to say good bye, and he answered, "C ya."

It sent me right clear around the bend.

H is a college educated 43 year old man who has NEVER resorted to text speak, and who used to mock those who did. I KNOW that is language that OW uses in her messages (because he used to make fun of her poor grammar and spelling skills).

What a flipping setback that was for me. It felt like the straw that broke the camel's back. I had a cry like I haven't had in a while.

So today I'm pondering how much patience I really have. Is it time to ask him to go away? (Over "c ya"?) I don't even know what's happening there. Is he going into the depression stage? Does he have ANY idea that he may lose me (I doubt it....although he has pursued some since I've been detaching....but I don't think he fears losing me. Can't mind read!)

So much to do today. Got to work on applying for this job, and signing up for volunteer work....and generally moving on without looking at this flipping nightmare anymore. It's so exhausting.

[Heart14]

So much of your last post resonates with me. My H is also really great about mentioning plans and then not following through with them. It's like the pressure is too much or something.

Good luck with job! {{{hugs}}} Keep your head up and focus on the positive.

[Eatsma]

It makes me crazy.

A while ago he asked me to come up with three ideas for something that we could do together that would make me happy.

I thought and thought. All morning he would send me messages: "Any ideas?"

So finally I sent him three ideas. Things that were pretty out of the box for the two of us, but that would be fun.

He sent me back a message that we would definitely do one of them that weekend. (Go for a bike ride and then go out to breakfast at a diner.)

We totally didn't do it.

It's so frustrating to watch him do this. I know that his head is just stuck on some crazy loop right now, but this is NOT the man to whom I was married for 18 years!!!! It really is as if aliens have taken him.

[Eatsma]

And now the IMs about travel while the kids are at camp.

Deep breath...

[dawgy]

MLP , Ive tracked you down on here just to say thanks for the posts on my thread . I really relate to your sitch > Its practically identical except your dealing with a husband and Im dealing with a wife . And as you put it an ALIEN . I dont know where my real wife went or if she will ever be back . Its disheartening to say the least but at least we are still together in some respect which gives a me hope of my marriage pulling through someday > The part about the crystal ball being shattered is so true . If your like me , you had a future planned and this wasnt part of it .

[Eatsma]

Dawgy...I'm sorry that you find yourself in the same situation as me. I'm really sorry for everyone here.

Okay...So, here's where I am today.

H wants me to go on a business trip with him to OWs city. Both kids are at camp, so I can do this easily.

At the end of May he said he was ending things, but then confused me when he said, "She thinks I'm breaking up with her every time we talk.". In June he seemed to be waffling on "ending things" - I have not asked if they have spent time or had any physical contact since I knew they last had contact in May.

He has a trip to her city next week. He has told me multiple times that a co-worker is going with him. I believe this co-worker caught OW leaving the hotel last winter and suspects an A. No mind-reading...just noting that talking about the co-worker being in the city at the same time has been a theme of his.

So...Invitation to go with him.

1) I know that one thing I need to work on in our marriage is prioritizing him. He always feels like I have excuses not to go with him on trips or whatnot. I turned him down for a week long trip to Europe a few years ago. Other than our dog, since both kids will be in camp I have no reason not to go on this trip with him.

2) We'd be staying in a lovely hotel...where he has had physical interactions with OW. I know this. This is a bitter pill to swallow.

3) He WANTS me there.
--3a. Is he sending a message to OW by bringing me on this trip? No mind reading, I know.
--3b. He IS sending a message to me. He has said to me that he always wants me with him. By inviting me along, this reinforces that message.
--3c. Along with the stronger efforts of not messaging OW in front of me and spending more time with me, do I do anything with this information?
--3d. This is a shift since going dark about the relationship a month ago. We haven't talked about the elephant in the room for over a month. At what point do I open up Pandora's Box again? Will that just send him back to her again? Do I even know that he's not with her now? I do not know....

DR says I just have to go with the flow. I can't ask questions or make demands. "He needs time to think, feel, and experiment, even if part of his experimentation involves another woman. If you start making demands right away, you will probably lose him. There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things that you can do to make things worse like interrogation and issuing demands." p. 259

So - go with the flow...go on the trip....I can use the time to do work in the hotel and he's promised me a nice dinner out. (Again - potentially to a place he's already been or that OW will recommend. Ugh.)

Jim Conway writes this of affairs, "It will help if the [spouse] can keep perspective and realize that the affair is probably just that - a temporary affair that will soon be over. If she can temporarily put up with his craziness and work at areas in her life that need improvement, then she will be able to accelerate the healing in both of them.
"But it's painful for a [spouse] to put up with all this deception....
"This short-range affair probably was brought to the surface by anxieties the midlife man had - his fading youth, fear about sexuality, concern about work, or just the impending awareness of death. It will help her to realize he must work through these problems. The affair was the wrong way to do it, but the affair will lose its power as the problems begin to be resolved."

So...180s. Pay more attention to husband. Accept offers to spend time with him.

Phew.

I feel like I'm lost in the dark.

[Old Dog]

So - go with the flow...go on the trip....I can use the time to do work in the hotel and he's promised me a nice dinner out. (Again - potentially to a place he's already been or that OW will recommend. Ugh.)

MLP, you choose where you go for dinner.

[Eatsma]

True...just not my city and I don't know where they've gone.

Things moving at warp speed today. D15 feeling very emotional and betrayed by dad. Will have to figure out how to help her. She does not want IC. I think she wants a showdown with dad, and an apology, but I don't think that's a good solution right now. Any good resources for teens? She's looking up information on divorce, and I told her that's not on the table right now.

H has been texting a ton today. In general I see a big increase in how much he talks to me. It's much more like the old days. I'm still letting him do all the initiating.

This afternoon he said that he realized that S13 was right the other night--that we don't just sit down at dinner and talk to each other. At the time, he yelled at the boy and told him to be quiet. Now he realizes that we should prioritize family. He wants to go out as a family tonight. Ok.

Little baby steps. This is a big change.

He told me that he has been deliberately not going to his office to hide every night the last few months, focusing instead on spending time with me. I told him that I had noticed, and that I also know that he loves movies, so I will watch movies with him, too. He seemed pleased by this.

I've got to steady myself. Marathon, not sprint.....

[Cadet]

MLP - please be careful, have you ever heard of cake-eating.

You dont want to permit that. OK?