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GoatGal -

Yes - boundaries with H are bizarre for me. We've never had them before. In talking with one of my oldest friends (who has known me since childhood and is now a therapist) this is a little weird. I have GREAT boundaries normally. I was the girl who never let a guy get to second base. I was the one who didn't smoke or break rules. (Until I did...but it was MY choice to do so...) I didn't cave to peer pressure.

So, what is up with this?

I was reading the blog today of a woman who blogs a lot about MLC...and I think I came to the realization that the reason there's no tried and true road map for this is that every situation is different. We can read these boards and find the script....We can look for the situation that seems most like ours and try to create our best fix-it plan. But ultimately the bottom line is we have to let it go...and we have to get a life of our own...and we have to be there for ourselves. The fix-it directions are that we can't fix it. Our spouse has to heal him or herself. And we can't make it go faster and we can't force it...

The universe is unfolding as it should.

Boundaries with H....I'm creating them. They look different from those of a lot of other people. I TOTALLY understand why people throw their spouse out of the house, or the bedroom, or what have you...That said - I also understand why some people decide to just step aside and try to create as normal a life as possible for the rest of the household (if that is possible!). That's what I'm doing. My H is crazy, and I can see it. I feel badly for him sometimes. I suspect that his work can see it (my suspicions for that grow every day as I interact with people on the periphery of his business). But so far - the kids seem pretty clueless. And if they can remain feeling safe, then I've done my job. Once they feel unsafe - I will re-evaluate (and talk to their schools to start establishing THEIR safety nets).

Am I safe with H? I am becoming safe because I am making MYSELF safe. When I was so terribly, terribly emotionally injured by this, I wasn't safe. For a while I was actually pretty unsafe, actually. But - I talked to my doctor. Then I sought a therapist. And I have a very small group of friends in the know. And I realized that I have a pretty amazing safety net out there - even if people don't know my situation...I can see the invisible threads of that spider web reaching out, and between my friends and my faith, I know that I have support. It's there. I know it now. I'm not actually alone.

So - boundaries. As time goes on, my boundaries may change. I think this is definitely a work in progress. Today seemed like a big change for me. But for today, I feel okay with where I am with the kids. And that's good. And I'm sure I'll re-evaluate as time goes forward and as the situation unfolds.

This is a good place (meaning this site!). I've learned a lot here and I think there's a lot of amazing support here for people who are all on different journeys, but all have similar goals. I'm so thankful for the frankness and candor of folks. I think the DR book is outstanding. I look forward to referring to it over and over again...seriously!

So - onto thinking of some good personal goals for myself now that I feel suddenly free of the burden of trying to change what I cannot change!

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Originally Posted By: MLP
I came to the realization that the reason there's no tried and true road map for this is that every situation is different.
We can read these boards and find the script....
We can look for the situation that seems most like ours and try to create our best fix-it plan.
But ultimately the bottom line is we have to let it go...and we have to get a life of our own...and we have to be there for ourselves.
The fix-it directions are that we can't fix it.
Our spouse has to heal him or herself.
And we can't make it go faster and we can't force it...


EXACTLY ^^^^^^^^

Keep reading your own advice over and over.

You got lots of TIME to do that.


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Originally Posted By: MLP


The universe is unfolding as it should.



MLP, I've caught up with your story this morning, and so much of it hits home with me. You are way ahead of me in the making peace with it department, however. Good for you.



"Don't look back, you aren't going that way"
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Just read your story as well MLP. Sounds to me like you're switched on. You know what's happening and you know can do something about it.


M: 57 / EW: 52
T: 21, M: 8
S: 18, S: 15
Bomb: 1 Jun 14
EA Aug 2014 I think
PA Feb 2015 possibly sooner
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I’ve just returned from a week-long family reunion with my crazy family. Phew! The stories from that are worthy of their own post…It was a relatively stressful week. That said, I’ve returned much better from the trip than I have in the past! Honestly, some of the survival techniques for the craziness that we’re enduring are applicable to other areas of life. Maybe I WILL come through this a stronger and better person! Nice!

One of my brothers (who lives in Spain) announced that he’s never seen me so happy, and that I’m having a second youth…So, I guess it looks to the outside like my life is great. Tah dah!

My H, who generally avoids my family, spent lots of time talking to my parents, even choosing to spend time with them alone. They all reported a pleasant time with one another. (To quote Caddyshack, “So I’ve got that going for me…which is nice…”)

Just before we left for the trip, the clarity of dropping the rope settled into my brain…or at least more so than before. It’s hard to drop the rope when you’re still living in the same house, (and harder when you go on vacation together!) but – mentally I got to a place where I really understand that this is his journey, and I’ve got to set out on my own. I’m prepared to do my own thing and let him wrestle his demons. I feel much more detached. Some days (some hours) are better than others, but overall, I’m feeling a little more centered. It is funny that when you start to detach, they kind of start to pursue. Interesting.

Anyway – H is on a real roller coaster. His emotions on this trip were ALL over the place. On the 12-hour car trip he was a monster to the kids (so much that the boy texted the girl, “Who has his man period?”). When with the whole family, he was much more predictable – he can put on a good face in public. Still – now that I’m starting to detach, I find myself not making conversation. He and I spent many hours quietly sitting next to each other on the beach. I read my book. He stared at the ocean. He spent hours by himself staring at the ocean. When I was ready to leave the beach, I would leave. Sometimes he would come along, sometimes he would stay, but as a general rule I’m starting to get the hang of “This is what I’m doing, you’re welcome to come along….”

Every now and then when we were sitting in the chairs he would reach out to hold my hand. He’s never been much of a hand holder before, so that’s new….

He’s also not sleeping. As a general rule, I wake up throughout the night to go to the bathroom probably two or three times. This week, he would ask me, “Where are you going?” He admits he’s not sleeping well because he has a lot on his mind. He complains about lots of physical aches and pains. He complains about getting old. He’s pretty wrapped up in his own little world – he doesn’t ask about anyone else at all but talks a LOT about himself.

The self-centeredness of MLC is a little remarkable, actually. After the bomb drop in November I lost 25 lbs in about six weeks. This week he posted a picture of me and our daughter on the beach, and a lot of people wanted to know my weight loss secret. The party line is that I’ve been running, biking and doing yoga—I don’t let people know that the weight loss is a by-product of my husband’s mid-life crisis. What he wants me to tell people though (and what he believes in his brain) is that I have this new body because he is such a great provider…His job allowed me to leave my full-time job for an at-home consulting gig two years ago. He actually wants me to say to the world that my sleek new body is thanks to my super-supportive husband….I don’t have the stomach for that just yet. I can see that it would stroke his incredibly delicate ego and it seems that this type of 180 is what he needs. Gotta dig deep for that one. But seriously – he is looking for validation for being a great provider. Gah! (Wonka - I'll have to read your Validation Cheat Sheet!)

One night the 15 year old girl had a pretty big meltdown in front of the whole family. Afterwards I invited her to go for a walk with me to see what the REAL problem was. As we were walking she revealed to me that she knows that Daddy has been unfaithful…She found one of the books that I’ve read in a bedside drawer. She’s devastated and said, “Who am I going to look to now as a model couple? I had always thought that you and Daddy were the perfect couple.” I explained that I thought that Daddy was going through a midlife crisis and that it was very difficult, but that I was working hard to hold the family together. I told her that I had been trying hard to keep her and her brother safe from the crazy. She said to me, “I just have one question…No, actually, I have a lot of questions…but the only one I’m going to ask is this. When?” I told her that I wouldn’t tell her that. Sweet girl – I think she thinks it was a one time thing….(sigh)

I asked her if she’d like to talk to someone about this, and she declined. She hasn’t brought it up again…Will have to keep my eye on her. She did tell me that she thinks I'm very strong and brave. I hate that my 15 year old has first hand knowledge of this, but the affirmation was still a little nice.

Anyway – working on dropping the rope. Working on my 180s. Applying to a new job (which will allow me to detach more). Trying to figure out what to do about the family.

And watching…Watching H from farther afar than before. As far as OW goes, his communication with her seems to be much more subtle than it used to. I don’t know if that means that they’ve gone dark or if he’s just being more secretive. I guess with detachment, it doesn’t matter.

Last edited by MLP; 07/13/14 03:51 PM.
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You seemed to handle the reunion well. And you seem to at least have a good understanding of what your H is going through and how it translates to his actions. I hate your D had to find out. That must have been really tough. I really do not have much to add except for your last statement...

Quote:
I guess with detachment, it doesn’t matter.


YES...EXACTLY!

Best of luck to you!


Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Oh - I almost forgot his new party trick....

One of the things that he likes to point out to me from time to time now is that he is "my man."

:rolleyes:

I basically stay silent when he says it....because until I hear otherwise, he made me share. That's not what I signed up for. And I don't consider him "my man," if I'm sharing him.

If he continues to push it, I guess we'll have to talk about it, but I've been avoiding that conversation. I'm going to let him keep playing with the puzzle pieces. They still don't fit the way he wants them to.

(Come to think of it - I kind of like the puzzle analogy. All these broken pieces to put together! There are some that don't belong in the puzzle at all, and he has to sort through and figure it out!)

One last thing....I find myself breaking out in acne again. I'm 43 years old for pete's sake! Stress? Has anyone else had this symptom? Seriously - this isn't fair.

Last edited by MLP; 07/14/14 12:39 AM.
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I hate the 14th.

He told me about his "friendship" on the 14th, exactly one month following our anniversary.

So, today marks 8 months since he told me about his other friend.

It also marks one month since I've stopped talking to him about it...new beginnings, I guess.

Still, spending the day feeling nauseated and out of control. Have to pull it together by tonight. Went for a long run today (training for two marathons this fall) and realized that one of my 180s will be praising him. The man is desperate for positive feedback, (he sent me an email today from a co-worker about a photograph that he took last week and mailed to everyone since he missed a phone call). He has told me that OW filled this void for him..."She's like a faithful puppy!"

(Sigh)

So - give him positive feedback while distancing and not being a doormat. How do I do THAT? Too soon????

Sometimes this all feels like it's too much. Sometimes it really is a wonder that I just don't run away!!!

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MLP, you have some really good insight. I'm sorry your having a tough day. Hang in there! You give me hope that I can detach more from my sitch too.


Me: 30
H: 35
M: 5 years
S2
Signs of MLC started Feb 2014
BD - PA July 2014
Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
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Because sometimes the universe is just funny....

I split my 14 mile run today into 10 miles and 4 miles. I don't typically do that, but I had to because we're expecting strong storms and I just couldn't get all 14 miles done before I had to pick up my son at noon.

Anyway - my 15 D ran the last 4 with me (she's a cross country runner), and we got just past 2 miles when she said, "Look! A bird!"

Indeed. A young, injured blue jay was floundering on the ground.

OW is from Toronto. Where the Blue Jays are. Her first initial is also "J."

So, I picked up the damaged "J" and I took it to a local bird sanctuary, where it will be rehabilitated.

Karmas gotta give me SOME credit for that....right? wink

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