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Hi MLP,

I did scan your sitch and I'm sorry you find yourself here. My opinion of your h's *flowery* email? It sounds like your h is a * flowery* writer/speaker in general. At this point I would probably shrug. Actions speak louder than words. That's just my 2 cents:)

It gets better:-)



3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
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Georgia -

Yes - you're right. He's probably just a flowery writer/speaker in general. THANK YOU.

(UGH. I feel so played. How completely cruddy.)

Both of the kids went to the movies last night, which meant that H and I had dinner alone. In the flowery email he talked about how he just wants to sit across from me at dinner and talk to me and look at me....

Guess what he did?

He sat and read his iPad. At one point he was IMing someone (and he's not supposed to IM her when I'm in the room per an agreement MONTHS ago). Here's the thing though - I don't want to obsess anymore. a) he could have been IMing lots of people. I don't know that it was her. b) How do I detach and not ask about the affair if I'm flipping out about IM?

So, I guess I did a 180 and did nothing.

He was moving around, repositioning himself in the house. (Don't care.) I sat and did my work (he positioned himself so he could look at MY computer screen).

At one point I cheerfully suggested that we play a game together, but he declined, so I said, "Fine! No problem! I have lots of work to do anyway..."

When we went to bed he suggested that we play the game (it's an online card game) so we did, and I beat him (twice!) which makes him grumpy (whatever...I mean, I guess a 180 for me would be to throw the game and lose so that I could stroke his ego but do I really have to go to that level???). Then I went downstairs to wait for the moviegoers.

So - here's the thing. One of my goals is that we say good night to each other every night. SUPER SMALL goal. I guess I made that a goal because he sent me a list of 10 things that happy couples do and he felt so proud that we already did most of those things (seriously - what the heck with him sending me 10 things happy couples do???). One of the things was be honest with each other (missed that one, buddy). Another one was say good night every night, even when you're mad.

We definitely USED to say good night to each other every night....But we don't now. So - that's my goal.

When he was in Europe, he would IM me that he was going to bed, and I would say, "Good night." Not once did he respond good night.

Last night, I climbed into bed. He pulled me close to him and I said, "Good night." Again - no good night.

(sigh)

So, my frustration this morning is this...

I need to detach and let him go.
I need to have NO expectations of him.
I think I need to switch my goals.

Is it premature for me to make goals for US? I guess it feels like it is. This makes me feel very, very, very bummed out.

I'm just so frustrated because we used to function SO WELL together (and in his crazy brain, we still are functioning very well together). And now, I'm feeling very much like none of my needs are being met. And I can't tell him that, because it will only push him away!

So - today I'm feeling discouraged. It doesn't help that we're about to go away for a week with my dysfunctional family (yayyyyy).

I think I'll feel better once we're back and I can actually start to implement some of my GAL techniques. Right now I'm mired in organizing three teenagers (H being one of them) for a week away. Meh.

Oh - lastly...this morning we were lying in bed and chatting and he kept talking about how he's "my man." He thought he was being playful and flirty....I just felt nauseated. Again - pre-OW I would have been totally engaged in that conversation and flirted right back. Does he say to OW that he's her man, too? (Vomit.) I can definitely imagine that she's way, way, way more fun to flirt with right now than I am. Seriously - I am going to have to work on my acting skills. Gack.

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The thing about goals is that they should not be relationship oriented.

Best to make goals on things YOU can control.

Like

I will go out once a week.
I will do 25 sit ups everyday.
I will not drink alcohol

I will have a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else.

You can not CONTROL him,
dont try to.

Make sense?


Last edited by Cadet; 07/03/14 01:44 PM. Reason: punctuation

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That makes total sense.

I need to take a deep breath and remember that I am a work in progress.

I wish working on myself felt better than it does right now. I guess I just have to hope that in time, it will!

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Originally Posted By: Cadet
I will have a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else.
OOPS this should have said NOT

I will NOT have a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else.


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Cadet -

But I AM in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else!

He is still living in my house and actively planning activities with me. His relationship with OW has gone completely covert (which is different from how he started the crazy, when he wanted me to know all about his friend and be happy for him. Bizarre. I told him to stop the relationship. Surprise! He didn't. He just stopped telling me about it because it made me so unhappy. Then I would ask or suspect and ask...and...well, we all know how this goes. It goes poorly.)

I'm not sure how to disconnect from the relationship if I'm not acknowledging the affair.

Thoughts?

Last edited by MLP; 07/03/14 03:22 PM.
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Originally Posted By: MLP
Cadet - I told him to stop the relationship. Surprise! He didn't. He just stopped telling me about it because it made me so unhappy. Then I would ask or suspect and ask...and...well, we all know how this goes. It goes poorly.)

I'm not sure how to disconnect from the relationship if I'm not acknowledging the affair.

Thoughts?

You had a boundary of no relationship with OW and you, but he figured out a way to break the boundary and what was your response?
Not verbally but with your actions?

You can still only CONTROL one part of this - YOU.

Are you worried he will leave you if you confront him?

Guess what he is already gone.


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Yes, that's true...

But I think the DR book suggests that if you force the hand that you may not get them back.

So...I'm not forcing the hand--at least not today. Is that crazy? So far it has felt like the right thing to do.

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So, today I had a mani-pedi. Little something for me, and I was somewhat gregarious for a change. The people there recognized this and said it was nice to see me laughing.

Anyway, was doing a little reading about MLC while there, which made me feel okay about standing.

Then I went home. H had been sending me tons of messages and emails while I was out. I poked my head into his office to say I would be picking up dinner after I'd been home for a while. H was pretty detached...he did as he always does these days: he told me what he was in the middle of, but did not ask anything about me or my day.

And Cadet, that's when I realized that you're right! He's already gone!!!

It was like a lightning bolt.

You know what? I'm okay. Somehow this realization brought with it a remarkable sense of calm.

It explains why our best communication is email right now.

Anyway--for the first time in a really long time, I feel okay!

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MLP,

I'm struggling with boundaries as well.

It's hard to think about enforcing certain things because of the "what IFS?".

But you also need to figure out what boundaries are necessary for you to maintain your well-being. (At least what's left of it, and give yourself what you need to build that back up.)

For me, when I discovered OW, I threw H out.

Then we kind of worked on things awhile (not very well) and when he served me, I threw him out again. He's still gone.

I just couldn't take living like that.

But you may be different and able to handle it better.

So maybe it's not that you toss him into the street, but even in the same house you don't have to have a "relationship" with him.

You can choose to treat him like a boarder, but without the continental breakfast and free laundry...

You don't have to talk to him about anything other than required day-to-day things.
He doesn't get to force you to be his "pal".

So you think about what YOU NEED to feel that you're not being pushed around or harmed in any way, and then find a way to act on that.

Whether or not/how you communicate that to him is another discussion.

But it seems some boundaries have to be established here for you to feel safe and well.

---GG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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