He blames me for divorce! Why is he so angry?

[Lostinpain]

Hi cmf,

I think I completely dropped the rope after seeing the final divorce date. Two questions often asked on here; are you willing to try for reconciliation if there's an affair? Also, are you willing to try for reconciliation after a potential divorce? I thought about it and because of my personal believes that a marital vow should never be broken (with exceptions to annulments and abuse), I did not want to reconcile with someone willing to break such a sacred vow. In California whoever files (that was him) is the only one able to withdraw. I would have never filed although I threatened to idly, because I meant those words when I said I do. But also, we didn't have children, or a house, so I completely understand those on here who try for reconciliation after the fact.

Like most at first I begged and cried and screamed. Then I went NC with only friendly interactions over finances. He didn't react. After some time I thought this divorce might actually happen so I started to work on myself. And in time when I saw that divorce date something clicked in me that I finally knew I didn't need him to be happy or fulfilled. I knew I wanted something better. So for me he was no longer on my radar. But this took months of working (and still working) on myself. I didn't just snap my fingers and stop hurting. But its a hard decision to drop the rope and it depends where you are in life. Everyone is different.

[oad]

CMF how ya doing? just checking in

[Paz2014]

He came to counseling! Not in the pretense I would like but still he showed up. Despite him speaking in negatives I believe it was a positive experience for him. He got to voice his feelings in a safe environment and it helped me validate him and show empathy. Afterwards he was completely different...nice and friendly. Perhaps out of guilt...i dunno but I just rolled with it. Should I celebrate? Maybe a little.

The following morning he got up early to take me to the airport. I was expecting it to be a curbside drop off but he parked the car. Took care of the luggage, checked me in, walked with me to the security checkpoint, and waited til I made it through. I looked back and for a second I thought I saw him wiping a tear away. He insisted that I text him to let him know each time I boarded and landed through all my flights; which I did. I also emailed him the address and phone numbers to which he replied hoping that my flight went well. I received two phone calls from him. One to ask if how my flight went. He shared a little bit of work drama and I shared vague details about a planned camping trip and cut the convo short. He called again later in the afternoon to open and read my mail to me. We have not had this much contact in quite a while. I enjoyed it but I was also skeptical. I texted later this evening to see how his first day by himself went. I kept it casual and friendly. He was polite but seemed withdrawn.

Also, prior to leaving for the airport I made a conscious decision to take down all of our pictures and wedding mementos. My way of detaching...not sure if this was good or bad. Since he walked in the bedroom and asked me why I had taken them down. A part of me wanted to last out. He gets to rewrite history while I sit surrounded by evidence of our love together but not being able to show/receive it to/from him. I told him because I wanted to. What I really wanted to say was "because you've obviously moved on and have removed me from you heart so I'm doing the same." I'm not sure to what to make of his response. Why was he shocked when the night before he was telling the counselor that he no longer feels for me like he used to and no longer wants to be married.

I arrived safely at my hometown and have taken the opportunity to just relax. It feels good to be out of that negative environment. Betsey, you are right. I am learning things about my H that I don't like. He's like a completely different person...possessed somehow. It kinda frightens me and leads me to believe that I married a complete stranger! Some days it feels like one big nightmare that I can't wake up from.

I'm feeling very melancholic this evening. Homesick even. After landing and smelling that San Diego coastal a sense of relief and nostalgia came over me. I was back home in my home town but yet out of place. Then I thought back to the home I left in VA and remembered this awful situation and suddenly the home my H and I made together no longer feels like home.

Wounded, to answer your question...my pattern stems from my abandonment issues. When I get triggered a sense of panic comes over me and I react in ways that push people away. Which is the complete opposite of what I want but still, I push people away to protect myself. I'm working on it.

I think i will schedule my next coaching soon. In the mean time, any suggestions on how to communicate with my H while we're in separate states?

[pilot]

Let him initiate the contact. I think you will do much better apart from your H. My life got much much better when my W and I began our S. We are 4 hours apart. I have a feeling he will try to communicate with some frequency. Be sure to not be overly available. Make him miss you and wonder what you are doing.

Good luck!

[Underdog]

CMF,

I hope your trip home is what you need to take a breather, so to speak. Who couldn't love San Diego in the summer??? FTR, I often feel like you do when I come home to Virginia myself. Kind of like a fish that just doesn't fit in the pond anymore?

Danger, Will Robinson!

He gets to rewrite history while I sit surrounded by evidence of our love together but not being able to show/receive it to/from him. I told him because I wanted to.

I'm coming at you from a POV of pure empathy and understanding, so please know that what I say is not meant to be the 2x4, okay? I was in your shoes once, and the hurt is something I know very well. It's sometimes difficult not to react to it, *especially* if this is what you normally do. (Which is exactly we say here to do a 180 for behaviors that are cheeseless tunnels.)

I did that. I also removed my wedding ring, and changed the home voicemail to exclude his name. And you can bet your ass he noticed. This backfired on me. It gave him all the fuel he needed to justify that I didn't want to be married to him. And instead of him seeing me vulnerable and hurt, I put up those protective barriers that further hammered the nails in our marital coffin.

Since you're here, I KNOW you don't want to divorce. So please stop giving him ammunition to justify his position.

Why was he shocked when the night before he was telling the counselor that he no longer feels for me like he used to and no longer wants to be married.

Ummm, have you ever considered that he might truly be trying on these shoes to see how they fit and isn't completely closed to the idea? He just needs to see you change in order to go first? I can tell you first hand that this was definitely true in my case. And he noticed it.

OK, now it's time for you to relax a little and gather your thoughts and do something different.

In the mean time, any suggestions on how to communicate with my H while we're in separate states?

Is he expecting you to go incommunicado because you're hurt? Then do the opposite. Text him once a day with something breezy and at a time that you know he's receptive to getting it. If he tells you to leave him alone, then honor it. Maybe try sending him a text photo of something amusing or near and dear to his heart? That has always worked well for me. And my XH too.

Wounded, to answer your question...my pattern stems from my abandonment issues. When I get triggered a sense of panic comes over me and I react in ways that push people away. Which is the complete opposite of what I want but still, I push people away to protect myself. I'm working on it.

LOL, work harder! Because I can guarantee you it's coming into play right now. I can see this very clearly because I have the same issues. I thought I dealt with all of them until today, in my IC session some crap reared its ugly head. Again. And now my face looks like I've been bawling (which I was) and mottled. So back to work I go too. It's the gift that keeps giving. CMF, I can tell you with all honesty that it's a lonely place behind all the barriers and walls. UGH.

Have you read Susan Anderson's Journey from Abandonment to Healing? I highly recommend it. And do the exercises. They're really tough. I'm going to have to buy it again because I lent it to someone who never returned it. Damn it. It might help you understand the behaviors that get you from A to Z in 3 years???

One other suggestion that I share which was shared with me by Laurie, who was my uber awesome DB coach here. Keep a solutions journal. Try new behaviors and monitor results. That way you can notice patterns and how long back slides cost you (mine was exactly 2 weeks) and it will help you deal with those feelings that make you want to lash out.

The one thing I always asked myself before I said or did anything, "Betsey, is this going to bring you closer to your goal or move you further from it?" And it often was the only means I had to prevent myself from "speaking my mind". Arrrgh.

Good luck, and try to find some joy every day you're there. Use this time to reflect.

Betsey

[Paz2014]

Thanks Betsey for slapping sense into me...again. I will add that book to my reading list.

You're right. It's freaking hard to act like I don't care because I do care. Detaching has been tricky for me. I know that the term 180 implies the opposite of something...I actually tricked myself into believing that taking the pictures down would be seen as me compromising. I thought that if I showed him I was moving on too and taking him seriously that he would relax a little. I realize what a big mistake it was to take down the pictures. It was weakness in me trying to take the moral high ground.

I'm thankful for the temporary space between us. I've been able to relax instead of walking around feeling so tense. Ventured out for the first time today and took a nostalgic tour of my childhood hometown. I felt like me again...strong and confident. Betsey, he would expect me to not communicate. This is my usual style...silent treatment. Despite the distance he can still perceive it as a silent treatment. So i did text him once today to see how his day went. He replied with "Doing okay. How are you?" I couldn't help but respond with the natural emotion I was feeling at that moment...happy. I professed giddiness over the weather and the absence of VA's summer humidity and the uninterrupted flow of traffic. He replied with "That's cool. Glad you're having a good time." I left it at that.

Just a heads up that I will be camping for the next several days so I won't be able to post until Sunday evening. I will miss ya'll. I will definitely start with the solutions journal. I prefer to keep a mental note but having it on paper to refer back to will be greater evidence of my teeny-tiny successes. I will be thinking about my newly discovered DR/DB friends while I'm out in the mountains. May the next several days be tolerable if not good and may each one of you partake in a mini-celebration in your own DB/DR journey.

Off to bed I go...

[Paz2014]

Hello All!

I'm back from my camping trip. Black Mountain is gorgeous! I appreciated the opportunity to be out on my own but it was also very lonely. It brought up memories of my H and I and our excursions together. The camping trip would have been so much better to have him to share it with. This is the kind of stuff that he and I did. We had fun where ever we went and this is probably the strength in our R. The fact that I was the only one there without a spouse made my loneliness even more of a reality. I truly miss my best friend.

I couldn't avoid the negative feelings that were snowballing inside me. I received a reply to my email on Thursday. I had forwarded him some info for the new build. He replied with "Thank you and hope you're having a good time with your brother." I replied back providing him with need-to-know info and wished him a happy 4th of July. I have not heard back. As a matter of fact it's like he just disappeared from the radar.

The children have tried to contact him but apparently he has not responded to them. This leads me to believe he is hiding...of course he's hiding! My female intuition kicked into OD. There was something going in and I felt it...down to my very core. It felt as though the other half of me was being violently ripped away. I couldn't escape it but I went to bed that night feeling only half myself. The reality of him having an EA is becoming more and more permanent in my mind. I mean what would motivate a man to suddenly want to jump ship? Nevertheless, I have been mentally preparing myself for this. I accept that it's a very real possibility. I have read and re-read the success stories of DB and DR. It does provide me with hope and want to believe that an A is a symptom of a problem but I am new at this. I drew a line long ago that I would not tolerate A in my M and yet here I am. I realize that running away is not going to solve my M problems and that I can't continue on running. Will this A be the worst thing that could happen in my M? To me...yes. It would be devastating and would only justify all my attempts at self-preservation. I know that God forgives all things and that I am called to forgive in the same manner...can I? Will I be able to when the time comes?

"What will happen when he does confess? How much more hurtful will he be after the fact? Do I have it in me to endure through it all? Will I lose myself in the process?"

Please ring in anyone! How have you dealt with it?

[artsy]

CMF,
My entire life I thought and declared out loud "I would NEVER put up with an A". Well, here I am trying to save my M. Truth is, until you go through it you have no idea what the line in the sand is.

He may never confess- would you want him to, really? You already assume the worst. To me, when someone confesses it is to ease their guilt, not make things "right". My H has never officially confessed, but I have an unusually strong intuition. I can say, based on that, that the OW isn't there anymore- I'm sure the EA/PA ruined their friendship and made things awkward for all of their friends and co-workers. He has told me on several occasions he "ruined his life" and his "life is a mess". I don't think he's only referring to our M. My point being, I would rather have a sliver of doubt than a confession that puts a mind movie in my head for the rest of my life. How about you?

If you start working on you and GAL, you will not lose yourself through this. In fact, you may find yourself. It's a horrible process and you will have really tough periods where you feel like you're back at ground zero. Keep moving, and you will be fine.

Do you have an IC? If not, you may want to get one. Mine was a huge help to me (I can't afford him right now, but I would still be going if I could!)

I really can't stress GAL enough- find some new things if old activities like camping make you sad. I get that- i do. I have the same problem. So, I took up running, joined a running club, started goin to church again, etc. none of those things ever involved H so I can enjoy some things that don't remind me of him. I think that is key.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!! Lol!!! I've been stuck in mine for various reasons the past 2 weeks and my PMA is suffering tremendously as a result. I'm going camping this week (never been before!!!!!) so my cabin fever will end soon. If nothing else, the past 2 weeks have reinforced the importance of GAL for me.

I know it sounds cliche, but it really does get easier with time. We promise you. You just started, hang in there.

[Underdog]

CMF,

Glad you had a great time, despite the stuff you like to dwell on. So off we go.

I replied back providing him with need-to-know info and wished him a happy 4th of July. I have not heard back. As a matter of fact it's like he just disappeared from the radar.

It doesn't sound like what you shared required a response?

The children have tried to contact him but apparently he has not responded to them.

Perhaps he has wisely decided that he doesn't want to put the kids in the middle or involve them at all 1) on an issue that is between the two of you only; and 2) make them the go-betweens; and 3) make them feel like they would be betraying you by involving you?

This leads me to believe he is hiding...of course he's hiding! My female intuition kicked into OD. There was something going in and I felt it...down to my very core.

You may be right. But then again, you may be dead wrong. You do a lot of assuming here, and that won't help you one bit. All the posturing and mind reading after this sentence actually hurts your overall cause.

"What will happen when he does confess?

IF and WHEN this happens, cross that bridge when you get it. Personally, I'd try to find out the why. If he's not a serial adulterer, then you might want to find out the why.

But let's get back to reality here. You simply have to stop putting the cart before the horse. You're preparing rebuttals and conversations in your head. Doesn't that make you tired? It's also unfair to him, and more importantly, to yourself. I can tell you that when I did it, I just walked around one angry woman. And it made people uncomfortable around me without me even opening my mouth!

I'll pass along some really great advice given to me by our MC:

If you look for sh!t, you're going to find it. Why not give each other the benefit of the doubt and tell yourself that he or she is doing the best job they can at that given moment with the skill set they have.

That turned out to be really great advice. We all come to our relationships with baggage. You have engaged in silent treatment and P/A tactics in the past, and they clearly haven't worked for you so why not see it from a "glass full" perspective?

I'm not saying he isn't in an EA or PA, but as Artsy said, is that reality going to change things at this moment in time? What would you be doing differently than you'd do without it?

Serial adulterers aside, there is a reason why typical people go seeking another R that they believe fulfills them or meets a need that is not being met. I've met a few folks who've gone down that path (not to mention being related to some) where they stated their needs, those needs were not met and someone else came along that filled at least some of that need. I've found that MWD was dead on when she said, "If you don't have an affair with your spouse, someone else will." Try to approach any reality with that in mind, okay?

I was the one who almost embarked on infidelity, so I understand the why. The only reason I didn't consummate that R was the fact that my heart knew it was WRONG. But my XH had checked out of our M some months prior and stopped having sex with me; and when I asked him to share what was going wrong, his patent answer was "nothing". We were in a horrible place, there was nothing positive happening for either of us, and it was 3 months before he announced to me that he was moving out. We were living with a massive amount of resentment, and I can say with conviction that score keeping and living with resentment is like living with stage 4 cancer and hoping it won't be fatal if you look the other way.

Take a deep breath and hit that reset button. Nothing good comes from where you are in that living within your head thing.

Hugs,

Betsey

[Paz2014]

Artsy,

I appreciate your candidness. Would I want him to confess? You know...i'm not sure but I know I will always wonder and I don't want to be there either. I would rather get things out in the open so it can be dealt with in the appropriate manner. To me there's no true healing without honesty. I don't completely understand it but right now I feel like I need to know...as if somehow I will feel justified in giving up/in. Or that this will somehow explain his current behavior towards me. I don't want to give up/in but I feel like I can't continue on this way either. How many times does he have to beg me to release him before I realize that's what he really wants? Am I to continue behaving "as if" when he makes me feel like crap for wanting to save the marriage? I mean...I want him to be happy too.

I have begun with GAL and yes it is incredibly difficult. You are right, I have assumed the worst. I have followed the advice of a book I'v read called "Love Life for Every Married Couple" by Ed Wheat. There's an entire chapter dedicated to those wanting to save their marriage without the help of their spouse. It says "prepare for the worst" so that I won't react to every new circumstance with fresh pain and bewilderment.

There's seems to be a fine line between detaching and giving up and I find myself in the middle constantly. When I'm enjoying myself without him it feels as though I have left the marriage...betrayed him somehow...betrayed myself. It feels unnatural--dishonest. I don't want to advocate any more dishonesty. I'm stuck today...

I hope your situation is where you'd like to be. Thank you for your reply. Please continue to share your experience as it will help me and many others in my shoes to get through another day.