This was your opportunity to validate what he is saying. Keep yourself calm and let him tell you all that crap. It doesnt mean anything. They all say that. They think of nothing but the negatives in the R. Even if you try to point out a positive, they disregard it or downplay it. I feel like maybe he got frustrated because he doesnt think that you are actually listening to what he is saying.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
CMF my wife does the same..before when I would not agree with her it was because im selfish and I will never change and that is why she has too divorce me, remember they are justifying to themselves why they are doing what they are doing...stay cool and calm and I bet he calms down as well...I finally did that last week and low and behold my W now talks to me somewhat normal...she still talks pooh behind my back but we don't fight anymore, I think that the more interactions they have with us that are pleasant, eventually they will start to think. stay strong Girl, we got your back
Me: 42 W: 39 D: 2 age 6 and 9 D-Day: Dec 29 13 Seperated: 3/20/14 Mediation retainer : 5/20/14 She filed: 06/25/14
CMG, sorry you're here. I think a lot of our spouses have hit that anger stage. I think in part like oad said it occurs as a sort of justification. You can't reason with anger, and sadly this stage might never go away. My XH still often times will talk with hate and anger and I believe this to be a result of him being uncertain of the decision of the divorce and built up resentment. Since I have decided to drop the rope it no longer is really a bother to me, but I can remember and understand the beginning stages and how it felt to go from love to hate. Its going to be a difficult journey but there are so many great people on this website to help you through it. Stay strong!
CMF my wife does the same..before when I would not agree with her it was because im selfish and I will never change and that is why she has too divorce me, remember they are justifying to themselves why they are doing what they are doing...stay cool and calm and I bet he calms down as well...I finally did that last week and low and behold my W now talks to me somewhat normal...she still talks pooh behind my back but we don't fight anymore, I think that the more interactions they have with us that are pleasant, eventually they will start to think. stay strong Girl, we got your back
I completely agree with this. If you can remain calm during your talks, it makes it hard for your spouse to keep yelling or getting angry. You need to mix in some validation and just listen. Eventually they will calm down and you can have a civil conversation.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I have to move out after 90 days of signing. Well, I still need to find a job and a new place without relocating the children to a different school. That's a tall order to accomplish in a three-month period. He's being very accommodating settlement agreement and went as far as releasing me from the contract of the new build so that I will have no financial liability. But no, I have not had an attorney look it over but I am working on it.
First, ****IANAL****
Are you comfortable with the separation agreement? As you mention, that is indeed a very tall order of things to do in the next three months.
If not, why are you agreeing to it?
Side notes:
Because "He" releases you from the contract for the "new build" usually does not equate a release from the people you entered into the contract with. So be careful you don't sign away your interest in the new build, but still maintain the liability of the new build.
Personally, I would not agree/sign anything unless looked over by an attorney.
Also, do not sign just because you think it might "gain favor" with him.
Again: ***IANAL***
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
Thanks everyone! I truly appreciate the support. It's good to know that I'm not alone. Wish we were all local so we can meet up.
Anyway, so from my last convo w/H I made a comment that there needs to be a third party mediator since our convo can get intense and escalate. Then I always have to excuse myself before I become destructive. He on the other hand insists that we stay in th room and talk it through. He says "we've already tried counseling and you said it was a joke." This shut me up. A while back I said (jokingly) "How do you think our counselor can help us with our M if he is divorced himself?" I admit it was a bit crass but I was trying to lighten things up. He took it the wrong way and months later it is repeatedly biting my butt! However, yesterday he comes home from work and asked me when my next IC appt was. I told him in the morning. He then said that "since you want a mediator I will go with you but you'll have to change the appt to an evening appt. And then he added "I still don't get what you mean but I will go if you want me to." Now...haven't decide if this is good or bad yet. I didn't want to push it so I just said "okay." I'm not sure if he thinks we'll be discussing divorce or if this is his passive way of agreeing to counseling again.
I've noticed that since I started having a life that my I'm becoming indifferent towards him. I feel myself pulling away...I'm getting fed up with his childish games. He still wears his wedding ring but now it doesn't seem to have weight for me. He drills me when I tell him I'm going out but yet I can't do the same because it makes him feel like I have him "under my thumb." He got annoyed with me for not coming home until midnight one night and said that he never did that how could I? I've detached myself emotionally but I'm afraid if I continue this way that he may think I've moved on.
Betsey, I see that it is now XH instead of H. Can u please expound? What worked and what didn't? And, how long before it was finally over? Also, I've noticed there are many on this site that have been on this journey for quite some time. This makes me anxious because I don't know if I will have it in me to push through.
Google is your friend... lots of acronyms used here.
Me: 43 M: 10y S:15 ILYBINILWY 2/18/13 W moved out 2/18/13 Filed for D: 2/17/13 Got DB: 2/20/13 Got DR: 2/23/13 180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13 D Final Dec '13
May I ask why you decided to drop the rope? Which techniques did you try and did the results turn out the way you wanted? And, is it possible that your H didn't really want the divorce but instead was feeling lost and was looking for a motivation from you to withdraw it? But...since you dropped the rope...you gave up the fight? Forgive me, i'm just trying to understand.
I think it's so petty that people will resort to anger up to the point of destroying the very thing that means a lot to them. I suppose my idea of an ideal divorce (not that i'm condoning it) is that it's a mutual decision between the H and W and that there is no anger and bitterness. Otherwise, the anger and bitterness is really just a cover up for what's buried deep down...love.
I have been diligent in practicing this when talking with my H. I have to constantly remind myself that the things he's saying aren't true but...oh they feel so true sometimes. I'm sorry that your W talks pooh about you. I can't recall ever being so angry that I was hurtful that way. My anger is usually a cry for love not hate.
Today he took his anger out on the children. They're back from camp and will be leaving tomorrow for their 6-week summer vacation. I understood that there were a lot of times when i would veto him in disciplining because I felt he was just too uptight. So today, i hung back a bit and watched. Finally, I took him to the bedroom and flat out told him "that you can be mad at them all you want for the things they are not doing or are repeatedly doing wrong but you will only be in their lives for a little while longer and then I will be the one to clean up the emotional/psychological mess you've made." This worked apparently since he calmed down a bit and even apologized to my son. Since then he's been really pleasant and helpful...helping my 14-year-old how to shave and my 10-year-old to pack her suitcase, doing the laundry. He got really talkative with me and stayed in the bedroom as i was ironing his work clothes. It was such a pleasant exchange that I even laughed at his jokes. It felt like just another normal day before he dropped the bomb. I'm not sure to make of this behavior. Is it out of guilt or is it sincere?
