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Married 3 years w/kids from prev. marriage. H says he wants to separate May 22, '14. And now he says he's done but he's so angry and I just cant understand why. It's a complete 180 from who he was a month ago. I am not perfect and was working towards change but then one day he wakes up and calls it quits. I get the i do love you but i'm not connecting with you line?! I cant get him to calm down enough to have an honest convo. I feel like he's trying to blame everything on me. What the heck?


M:33
H:37
T:6 years
M:3 years
ILYBNIWY:5-22-14

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Part II

The betrayal is just too much to bear some days...most days. I've read so many books in that past month looking for answers, comfort, direction. I'm standing tall one day and on the floor sobbing the next. What an emotional roller coaster. H wanting out has been a total shock. If anyone was wanting and threatening to leave the marriage it was me. I knew we were having issues but nothing major enough in my mind to throw in the towel. What's even more confusing is that just two months ago we signed a contract on a new build. We were going to try for a baby in July and I was ecstatic. Our relationship was finally moving forward and now this. I cant confirm if there is OW but I have my suspicions. He has split the bank accounts and left me some money
since I am unemployed. I just completed a great semester of college and was eager to celebrate with him. Never got to since he left on a business trip and came home with the bad news.

I'm a Christian and I find it difficult to apply some of the DR techniques and mentality. It goes against the biblical teachings of Ephesians 5: "Wives respect your husbands and husbands love your wives." I'm so distraught right now that I'm desperate to take any advice. I feel like I need to have someone to talk to constantly. My kids don't know anything and I refuse to include them in my marital problems. But H insists that they need to know. I can sense that he is burdened with guilt as well. Some days it feels as if he's providing me with subconscious hints to help him snap out of it...to fight for him...to stay and fight for the marriage. When I try to get closer and touch him while he's expressing his hurt feelings he pulls away and comments that my touching doesn't make him feel better. I know he still loves me even though it's been three weeks since he last said so. How do I break through his wall? Should I try to break through?

I know I haven't been the best wife but it's not for lack of trying. Now that I am free for the summer I have really stepped up with the ironing, cleaning, cooking, errands. He had been taking on most of the load this past semester so that I could concentrate of my classes. He says he feels used which makes me feel like a user. Some days he comes home angry and some days he comes home nice and polite. I'm not sure how to handle his kindness. Somehow it feels like he's pitying me. I don't know if I'm going left or if I'm going right. My church leaders don't seem to show an urgency for my sitch.

I booked a flight to visit my bro for 3 weeks in July. My kids will be with my parents for 6 weeks and felt this would be a good time for a moment of reprieve. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle alone. I've relied heavily on God to get me from one day to the next but the hurt is...please help!


M:33
H:37
T:6 years
M:3 years
ILYBNIWY:5-22-14

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Part III

With my kids gone for the summer the atmosphere in the house has been tense. Silent but tense. I've done my best to not be home when he comes home from work. On the first day after the kids left he actually came home before dinner time. He took care of dinner and was very polite. I didn't know how to respond but played it cool. I've been gone for the past two evenings leaving him to himself. I figured we both needed space from each other.

Yesterday I came home after him and proceeded into the bedroom. I locked the bedroom door and he knocked and flipped out about my locking it. It seemed so silly to me that moment why he would choose to be irritated over something so minute. Then I realized that his gym bag was behind the door. Perhaps he thought I wanted to snoop through it. Anyway, he proceeded to talk about his work day and I listened and then he started in on the R. It made me uncomfortable but I listened anyway. Of course, he starts out telling me everything I did wrong and that I'm the reason why we are at the point of D. Yes, I too threatened D one too many times to elicit some kind of response or change in him. I realize how foolish this was and vow to never do it again--but this didn't seem to phase him.

I have made some changes in myself. I realized that I was angry at him for not being who I wanted him to be. Of course, I didn't know that's what I was feeling/doing at the time. It's never my intention to hurt my H but somehow I still do. So I'm flawed but human. I've been more attentive around the house and doing acts of service that I know he would appreciate. This seems to work I think. I mean he hasn't asked me to stop so I figure why fix it if it ain't broke.I listen to his grievances and do my best to understand him. It didn't help matters each time he told me that I never listened or don't listen or don't understand. In my mind that is all I want or am trying to do. After some time a light bulb came on. What he has been trying to get from me is empathy. What can I say...he's a sensitive creature. I'm very literal and to the point.

So towards the end of the convo he was begging me to release him. That he can only be whole again if we go our separate ways and that I broke our marriage by being self righteous and making him feel less of a man. And that because of this our marriage was not a biblical marriage. This hurt me so much. There's this nagging voice that tells me he has other motivations for wanting this D and feels haste to finish it sooner than later. He was calm and did his best to be polite during the convo. However, he went as far as saying that I will be okay financially. That if I canjust find a job that I will be good and not hurting for money. So no harm done, right? And then he had to audacity to admit that he knew what he was asking for is a sin and that he has been asking for forgiveness every day. I'm just as confused as ever. My bro says that men retreat to a dark place when they feel they've had enough but that it takes patience, love, and understanding to pull them out of it. It will be painstaking but it can be done. I don't have a problem fighting for him but how can i do this when im met with rejection, opposition, and hostility? Does he really want me to stay and fight or is he really asking me to let him go?

I replay in the mind the "don't believe anything you hear and believe only half of what you see" but I feel like I don't fit in to that category. He pressures me or tries to talk me into to signing the separation papers at least once a week. I've said OK to the D since I know that I will only be able to delay for so long before I have to sign. However, signing the separation agreement would shorten the waiting period to 6 mos instead of 1 year. I feel like a stranger in my own home. What do i do?


M:33
H:37
T:6 years
M:3 years
ILYBNIWY:5-22-14

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CMF,

Welcome. You're in a really tough spot and some of this takes me back to my early days of separation. We had a lot of anger, for lots of reasons, and the best thing you can do to turn this ship around is to relieve some of that pressure that makes him angry and focus on everything that's wrong with you and your M.

I personally cringed when I saw that you went in the bedroom and locked the door. Seriously. If he had done that instead of you, you'd probably be pissed off too. That's an action I'd expect out of my sullen teenage girl and not a mature, loving woman. So you're going to have to focus all your behaviors, words and belief systems on doing more of what works and less of what doesn't. Pursuing him, touching him, and wanting R talk is guaranteed to make him angry and more withdrawn.

You need to take a deep breath and back off. Focus on YOU and changing yourself from the inside out and really use what he's told you to make those changes.

For example:

Quote:
I realized that I was angry at him for not being who I wanted him to be.


Why? What did you want him to be that now you suddenly are okay with him being who he is? What did you do/not do, say/not say, believe/deny that made him feel less than, emasculated, unwanted and unlovable?

Quote:
It didn't help matters each time he told me that I never listened or don't listen or don't understand.


Uh, sounds like you have a major communication gap here. How do you "listen"? Do you prepare rebuttals for his gripes about you? Are you defensive? Righteous? Need the last word? Need to be right?

You realize that if you're on that end of the spectrum, he's on the losing one. Nobody - and I mean NOBODY - wants to lose. There has got to be compromise and respect. And quite truthfully, if what you're stating is true, he sounds henpecked and unappreciated and you sound like a shrew.

And for the record, this was exactly where I was when I began this journey too. Part of it is his own fault - for not standing up for himself, for not fighting you on issues that were important to him, for not managing conflict with you. But part of it is you and your style too.

Are you up for the work it entails to figure this stuff out?

I hardly ever come out of the gate and recommend this book, because it's a toughie even after doing a lot of work, but in your case, I think it might help you actually understand. Then maybe the empathy part will come forward. The book is called Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. It addresses a man's POV on his masculinity and what he's all about.

I'd also suggest that you stop focusing on preventing a SA. That might be the one thing you can do to let some of the air out of the tires, so to speak. It will give you both structure to the separation, and you can use the next 6 months to: 1) becoming the person you'd like to be; 2) making your life the one you want; and 3) becoming the wife he needs and wants you to be and nuts to let go.

Use your time wisely. It's your friend.

So... why don't you start by telling us specifically what he told you he hates about you? And then tell us why and what he might see from his POV?

From what you've shared, sounds like you have some work to do to push your pride to the basement and let the love come through.

Remember: do more of what brings you closer and less of what pushes you away. That's the golden rule here. It's going to take some time to work on the resentment and anger. And the first step is to get you to stop keeping score. I promise you're going to lose now if you do this. Besides, score keeping is a really lonely way to live, right?

So tell us more. I'd really like to know why you justified empathy with you being literal and him being sensitive. That's a pretty telling statement...

Good luck, and hang in there!

Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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BTW, I am a believing practicing Christian myself. Get off the soap box. He is desperate enough for relief that he's willing to break vows to get what he needs. Please understand that although it's always been HIS choice not to address this stuff with you, it must be beyond difficult to be willing to grasp at the last straw with the highest risk to do it.

What I did instead is to ask God to change what was in my heart. That's the one prayer He answered swiftly. I had to continually work my program, but it was my main prayer for a long, long time.

Another soothing book I'd also recommend to you is The Power of the Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. It gave me the strength to fight my own demons so that we had a chance. Put your faith to work for you, friend.


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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Welcome CMF!

Have you read DR or DB?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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Thank you Betsey!

It didn't occur to me how self-righteous I had been. I locked the bedroom door not to get a reaction out of him. I was simply wanting some privacy to change clothes. It's very awkward and i'm still learning how to behave in the sitch. This is my third marriage and this is his first. My first marriage ended in infidelity on both sides and I married the man I had an affair with. My second H were divorced 9 mos before he passed away in a motorcycle accident. I came into Christ at age 27 and decided not to follow in my parents footsteps. I came from a divorce family and that stuff stays with you.

When I met my H, I was a single parent with two kids working and going to school. So, my life was busy. I had goals and knew where i wanted to go and was doing my hardest to get there. Past hurts has made me tough so to speak. I realize I couldn't be weak if I were to get anywhere in life so I took on a more masculine outlook--at least outside the home. But this apparently carried into my relationships. I expected my H to think and respond like me. I thought since we were in agreement with a lot of things that we were on the same playing field. I became impatient when he would provide me with passive answers of "I don't know, what ever you want." Eventually, I started taking over decisions I knew I could knock out on my own. This is where it started I guess. I felt his passivity and it made me want to compensate some more. When it came to decisions I felt that my decisions were always the best. So, I can understand where he would feel "cut off at the knees" as he would say it. I thought I was just doing him/us a favor by taking one more thing off his plate that he was indifferent about. Naturally, since I didn't feel any opposition from him I thought everything was good. Little did I realize he was bottling it in. This I think made him resent me and now he sees me as selfish and controlling. Which is hard to swallow because I did my best to include him in decisions. I wanted to make sure that he chimed in on things too. I wanted him to feel included. I can't help that he didn't speak up when things bothered him. And yes, I become defensive when we argue. He articulates so well that I get lost in the convo and I can't keep up with what he's saying. I get even more discouraged when he says things like "You don't understand" or "You're not trying." I feel manipulated somehow so my wall goes up. My second H was verbally abusive.

I am on day 31 of "The Power of a Praying Wife" and I actually gave the "Wild at Heart" book to my husband to read. He got through a few pages and now it's collecting dust. I will be sure to start in on that book tonight.

I was angry because he was not truthful about his past. I learned about a girl he dated off and on. Well, she started to text trying to rekindle again. I confronted him and he tried to minimize it. He said would take care of it but a week later she was texting again. Apparently, the girl did not know about me or that we were engaged to be married. For the second time, he said he would take care of it. The text did stop and eventually he got a new number. I felt betrayed and angry. I had just left my life and moved to a neighboring city to be with him and he couldn't be honest with me. He would say that "an omission is not a lie." If I didn't have any children, i would have left. It was a deal breaker for me. But, i gave it a try anyway because I loved him. But I grew increasingly suspicious. Till this day, i don't have access to his credit cards even though I'm an authorized user on one of them. There are no statements that come in the mail but I see payments coming of our account each month. When I've asked he retorts with "well, i don't have access to yours either!" So I offer to exchange info but he doesn't take the bait. Hence, my continued suspicion. I feel that things would not be an issue if he took the time to reassure me (in my language) that I was the only one in his life and give me access to his accounts. I feel that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage and everything needs to be shared or out in the open if there is to be any sort of accountability.

I do want to understand him and give him what he needs but sometimes it takes a while for me realize what it is I need to do/change to accomplish this. I'm seriously considering on signing the separation papers. However, since the condo is in his name he was requested that I move out. I feel this is unfair since it would not just be me and my stuff. It would be me, the kids, the furniture and the possibility of the children changing schools. I told him last night that it may be best if he moved out but he insisted that he wouldn't since this is his home. Well, it's my home too and i don't have a job yet. My children and I packed up and moved to be with him. It was decision i didn't come to lightly and now I'm expected to just get out.

Woundedfool, I've read DR. I've tried "Do something different," 180, and LRT. It has helped softened him a bit but then I get discouraged when the next day he pressures me to sign the separation papers. I read that I should try to stay in the same house and not separate but I feel like the only way I can get him off my back is to give him his separation.


M:33
H:37
T:6 years
M:3 years
ILYBNIWY:5-22-14

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Originally Posted By: CMF
Woundedfool, I've read DR. I've tried "Do something different," 180, and LRT. It has helped softened him a bit but then I get discouraged when the next day he pressures me to sign the separation papers. I read that I should try to stay in the same house and not separate but I feel like the only way I can get him off my back is to give him his separation.


How would you say he "pressures you" into signing them? Did you have them looked over by an attorney?

Is he asking you to leave the house or something really big in the separation agreement?


Me: 43
M: 10y
S:15
ILYBINILWY 2/18/13
W moved out 2/18/13
Filed for D: 2/17/13
Got DB: 2/20/13
Got DR: 2/23/13
180 & LRT Began: 2/25/13
D Final Dec '13
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CMF,

Wow, you really have had a difficult path, haven't you?

Wounded asked a really great question too. The answer will be kind of telling.

Quote:
Past hurts has made me tough so to speak. I realize I couldn't be weak if I were to get anywhere in life so I took on a more masculine outlook--at least outside the home. But this apparently carried into my relationships.


Sigh. I know this one awfully well myself. It dogs me to this day (I've always been a leader and never a follower), and I'm now willing to address it in my IC sessions. It's been tough. Especially because it seems to be very much intertwined with my insanely debilitating trust issues. Your words resonated with me.

And from what you have recently posted, it sounds like both of you have some big barriers there as well. I understand yours - 3 marriages with kids (which is not a valid excuse not to deal with these childhood wounds), but you are a first marriage for your H. Where do you suspect his issues originate? What is his past history there?

One thing your H and my XH share in common is a passive aggressive personality. They are conflict avoiders, because somewhere along their journeys, they were shut down when they dissented. My XH also said what yours said about omissions not being a lie. He also iced that cake by saying to me (in MC): I just feel that what you don't know won't hurt you. Ummm. Not really.

He may very well be entertaining on the side. Until you know, I'd suggest proceeding as if there isn't. I'd make a heartfelt attempt at fixing you. Your history sounds as though you might not manage fears well, or at the very least, your belief system is not congruent with how you live. What I mean by that is this: Are you more afraid of living alone and making things work as a single mom again or being afraid of being alone? If so, what is preventing you from living the life you sound like you really want?

From here, I see a determined woman. You obviously are not afraid of getting down and dirty and making things work. But there is a distinct difference between surviving and thriving. I don't doubt for one second that you are a survivor. (BTW, that's a huge compliment... you sound gutsy.)

Quote:
I feel that there shouldn't be any secrets in a marriage and everything needs to be shared or out in the open if there is to be any sort of accountability.


You're absolutely right. There *should* be transparency and trust. So why do you think he chooses to keep you away from whatever truths exist under the surface? My guess is this translates across the board. And please know that I don't think you have the ability (or should) attempt to change this. You can only change you. And just maybe he'll take a cue from you and respond appropriately. I wouldn't be happy about any of this either.

So in the meantime, what are you going to do about gainful (and hopefully meaningful) employment so you can eliminate that albatross hanging around your neck?

How old are your kids and how do they feel about all of this?

Quote:
I was simply wanting some privacy to change clothes.


Gotcha. But wouldn't just simply closing the door be sufficient? In most societies, a closed door implies a knock is required to gain entry?

Quote:
I am on day 31 of "The Power of a Praying Wife" and I actually gave the "Wild at Heart" book to my husband to read. He got through a few pages and now it's collecting dust. I will be sure to start in on that book tonight.


Holy crap. I didn't get that book until at least a year into my separation, and it was a suggestion by a male poster here. I guess he must have seen a bit of a ballbuster in me then too. wink So read away with some kleenex.

I also neglected to say earlier that through this process, you may find out a whole lot about your H that you didn't know before. And please know that his half is HIS responsibility to fix. But that can only work if he's willing to fix it. Until then, you have to fix yourself. I'm not sitting on a pedestal here - I was guilty of a lot of sins in my own marriage. I'm not perfect either, but once I made significant progress in seeing the picture from his perspective, it humbled me enough to see how my actions and words hurt those I love the most. And topping that list was my oldest daughter, who told me when he left, "You scare me, Mom. You're the angriest person I've ever met in my life." Luckily, she no longer remembers that me. She was 8 years old then, and fortunately, I decided that I needed to do a lot of work on myself before I could even consider working on my marriage.

No matter what, you're worth the effort, right?

I'll try to check back on and off this weekend. I'm usually gunning and running these days, especially since it's the weekend before a holiday.

Take care-
Betsey


"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."

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He initiates a convo about M. Then he explains why he feels the way he feels and goes on about all the wrong things in th M, what I did/didn't do and why he needs the S. When I tell him that I don't agree with the S, his voice escalates and he gets angry and tells me I'm being selfish. Then he'll make another point about why th S is good...round and round he goes. I sit there and try to listen. Eventually he gets so frustrated that he walks away.

I have to move out after 90 days of signing. Well, I still need to find a job and a new place without relocating the children to a different school. That's a tall order to accomplish in a three-month period. He's being very accommodating settlement agreement and went as far as releasing me from the contract of the new build so that I will have no financial liability. But no, I have not had an attorney look it over but I am working on it.


M:33
H:37
T:6 years
M:3 years
ILYBNIWY:5-22-14

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