19th Thread - Invincable Summer

[job]

T,
I am very proud of you because you've been super patient w/your w. I'm glad you didn't say anything to her or the children about the way she's been about providing the paperwork you needed to file for a divorce. Keep in mind timeliness is not one of their strong suits while in crisis. Time has no meaning to them, especially when we are waiting on something from them.

A new year is not far off and I can honestly say that there will be many new and exciting adventures and experiences in store for you and your children.

"Dad", you've done a great job of being there for your children and they aren't going to forget the way in which you've handled a very frustrating, nerve wracking, and basically uncomfortable situation. My hat's off to you today!

[Jack_Three_Beans]

T2,

Impressed and glad for the knowledge you have, and your ability to share that with others in need.

This is your story, it only ends when you're no longer in it. Meaning...who knows what will happen down the road. Well, with the exception that this time you'll be doing a lot more of the steering.

[TSquared2]

Thank you all

[Wet]

Hi T^2, your story is not only compelling but inspiring to all of us for how well you handled yourself during the long battle, and thru all that was thrown at you. There are some gaps for those of us who are reading this after the fact, and if you will permit me, I would like to ask some questions:

- has your W reached out to you during the divorce process?

- is there any part of your story where you think things may have turned out otherwise if something was done differently?

- on 12/11/2013 you wrote that you "always worried about quitting right before the finish and also worried about hanging on too long." I know your W made the final decision to end the m, but looking back would you have ended this any earlier if you had to do it all over again?

- I see two major turning points in your description. First, on 2/10/2014, you found your W's note saying "Find true love", and you carpet-bombed her with many "truth darts". Do you know when this note was written?

- why do you feel that this note hit you so hard?

- what do you think was the ultimate impact on your R of your confronting your W after finding the note?

- The 2nd turning point was when your W decided on the 2 month separation. Why do you think she asked for this?

- Did you see any other women during 2014?

What strikes me about your sitch is how many times you mentioned progress, her coming out of the tunnel, her opening up to you, initiating convos, sharing her feelings, texting "sending you a hug", and you saw your W trying. I know your W ended this, but do you think more time could possibly have resulted in a different result?

Thank you for sharing this amazing story, and any insights you care to share looking back.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi T2,

I feel like we are at a similar place in our situations. Your continued patience with your wife over all these years should be an inspiration to others who are faced with this situation. You continue to show a class act and that will register with your children now and into the future.

I am sure you get the same question I get from others, "What will you do if someday she comes back to you?" Have you thought about this and where do you stand on it right now?

[TSquared2]

I will answer LT's question first, it's easier...

If I am not in a committed or serious R, then I will at least hear her out. I promised her Mom I would. See if she has conquered or at least got her demons under control. See what she has learned, see if she has done the work.

My biggest concern would be (at the moment), that she would "run" again in some fashion, whether eating disorders, obsession with psychic/new agey stuff, other men, internet addiction, or physically, again, when things got less than easy/fun. Because all those are escape/avoid tactics, imo.

If I am in a serious or committed R? Hmmm... I would probably want to hear her out, whether out of curiosity, closure or validation (ego), I'm not sure, but probably all 3.

Would I? That I would have to wrestle with at the time. Assuming I have properly done my work on myself, and connected with another person who has as well.... why would I look back?

I'll figure it out then if that ever happens.

[Mighty]

Well said, T.

[TSquared2]

Well Wet, you have your revenge on my thinking questions to you...

Here goes:

has your W reached out to you during the divorce process?

Post her ending the marriage we had some talks, which I posted the highlights here. Otherwise, aside from kid, finances or divorce? No. Wait, one time she texted me that she was sorry for hurting me.

is there any part of your story where you think things may have turned out otherwise if something was done differently?

I have pondered that a lot. I made many mistakes. Maybe if I would have stopped pursuing quicker? But I really don't know if it would have made any difference in the outcome. Probably not, because it is her process/journey, imo.

on 12/11/2013 you wrote that you "always worried about quitting right before the finish and also worried about hanging on too long." I know your W made the final decision to end the m, but looking back would you have ended this any earlier if you had to do it all over again?

No, I had to see it through, see her in a "saner" place so if she did leave, she would be better able to handle things alone. And I had to do it for me, so that I would not look back and wonder "what if".

I see two major turning points in your description. First, on 2/10/2014, you found your W's note saying "Find true love", and you carpet-bombed her with many "truth darts". Do you know when this note was written?

Sometime that January.

why do you feel that this note hit you so hard?

Aside from "it hurt"? It pointed out reality, that she wasn't looking "here", but still "out there". And it slammed home our fundamental difference in a world view. I think/believe "true love" is made, created, worked-on, arrived at over time. She believes it's "out there" and "shouldn't" be much work (her words). This crumbled my illusion that with enough love, work and patience, anything can be overcome...at least with her. That theory requires BOTH people to believe that, and she doesn't, right now.

So the reality of things, as they were, shifted my perspective and that maybe it was time to live my truth.

what do you think was the ultimate impact on your R of your confronting your W after finding the note?

She did say that she respected me more, standing for myself and the boys. But I think (mindreading here from bits and pieces she has dropped) it also was a mirror showing her what she was really doing, which I think triggered the "run" response. She felt judged.

The 2nd turning point was when your W decided on the 2 month separation. Why do you think she asked for this?

Per her, to get a break from the sitch, the kids and responsibility so she could think without interference/influence. Knowing her, it was also a trial run, to see what it would be like, if she could do it.

Did you see any other women during 2014?

After she ended the marriage in June, yes. I dropped my shields after processing the anger/hurt. (Finally get to drop in a Star Trek reference...) I was open to wherever life was going to go. I was done.

What strikes me about your sitch is how many times you mentioned progress, her coming out of the tunnel, her opening up to you, initiating convos, sharing her feelings, texting "sending you a hug", and you saw your W trying. I know your W ended this, but do you think more time could possibly have resulted in a different result?

Well, I did discover during the last 3 years or so that I am an insufferable optimist deep down... Truth is, I wanted to see those things as turning, was it real? Only she knows.

I feared failure, I don't typically fail at things I put my mind, heart, soul into... and I put those into this stand.
So was it more loving to continue to stand, partially driven by fear of failure, and put the family through more limbo, tension and unhealthiness? Or more loving to hear her and let her go?

The other thing is that, over the summer 2013 through to that truth dart barrage, I had been discovering my own worth. Lots of people in all different situations, here in DB-land, work, grocery store, business conferences, etc, reacted/responded to me in ways that were mirrors I didn't look into before. Showing me a "me", that neither I nor stbxw saw. The coming together of all this work we do here on ourselves.

And I started wanting better, with, or without, her.

And the "more time"? I just don't know. I was getting to "done" since summer 2013, slowly but surely.

[TSquared2]

I know your W ended this, but do you think more time could possibly have resulted in a different result?

Thinking more about this, Wet, they say the MLC is on THEIR timeline, and no one knows what it is. The LBS gets to decide how long they are willing/can wait.

In one of the talks we had, shortly after she ended the marriage, she talked more about finding herself, that she got lost in the role (that she loved) of being a young Mom with young kids, and when the 2 younger ones started moving into independence and away from her full time, of them needing her so much, her "life ended". Ironically this is the same summer her father died.

And once she found herself again, she wanted to date, because she missed out on that in her teens and twenties due to her issues.

The take away I had at the time..."replay" in full combat gear, nothing holding her back. And knowing her the way I do, I realized I had to let her go, this would never go away until she actually did it.

In Star Trek, Mr. Spock had the famous line "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one"...all this time I thought she was the one and the boys and I were the many. But I finally realized that fear up there ^^^^ (and a couple others) and the reality that I was enabling her to stay not fully developed by continuing to try to get her to work on the M/R.

I realized the "one" was really me. The kids and her were, the "many".

That was a humbling evening.

The kids had needs, deserved a peaceful life, she needed to do what she needed to do, and I was fighting it, because I did love her, but there were my ego demons at play.

And as mentioned, I was wanting something better, which included peace and something better for the kids.

So I accepted my reality, her reality, the kids reality.

I got out of the way.

And started moving on.

I haven't thought about this in a while. I did try to tell of what I thought at the time, without the hindsight clarity of the present.

[kat727]

Don't forget thou that Kirk did turn that around onSpock when he went to get him. It doesn't always make sense that way and some may see it as selfish but not the way Kirk did it.

Sometimes the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many. He went to save Spock when anyone else might have just gotten the he!! out of their. Kirk likes to change the rules to fit the best for his crew. Make the impossible possible.

WAW spouses aren't thinking of their families in the way the LBS does. My ex cared only about his happiness and believed everyone should be happy for him. His was the selfish interpretation.

Live long and prosper.

kat