T, You have done a great job throughout the three years and you are doing what is best for your wife, you and the children. You've thought long and hard about this and I think your decision is a solid one that you can look back on and say "I gave it my all".
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I agree with FY - there's a line around the block! So I am grateful and happy you recognize your values and are sticking to them. I think you will continue to be glad you did. You sir, are a classy HUMAN being
Be well!
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
So far, the D negotiations are going okay, especially when the financial reality of the past 5 years or so was brought into her awareness. My L said I am being very "noble", especially since I didn't want this, and the infidelity, taking the bulk of the debt in trade for any house equity.
She has been getting advice from co-workers and friends who are from out-of-state, or who have no assets, etc. So I encouraged her to do some research and get some facts. She appreciates that I am taking her earning power now into account, that I HAVE pulled out a calculator and crunched the numbers, she hasn't. I encouraged her to do so for herself, to see things without my income in reality, and not just take what I say.
We are focusing on the kids needs first, at the end of the day, so far...I know that can change as it gets closer, but here is to hoping her clarity remains present.
We also did some post-mortem on the M, a little. I wanted to share a couple things from that that may be very helpful to people, especially the newbies. The things we are advised here are right on target... listen to job, Mach, AJ, UR, etc. They are right!
These things are right from her...
First:
The cheating was an escape from the depression, the internal loneliness, low self-esteem, and her fear of loneliness. She never learned to be alone, and gets addicted to things (eating, PA's, online affairs, the internet, etc), even when she was 18 and her roommate wasn't home much, she really got into the bulimia.
Second:
She sees now, that the past 5-6 years aren't about me, never was. Though she thought it was, she realizes it is and was about HER, all along.
So, take heart, and the advice, offered here folks...it's valid, and was just validated by a mlc'er herself.
She still doesn't remember a lot of her behaviors, words, spew. She gets mortified when I bring up some things as they relate to the D, or when she tries to make sense of what happened. I don't push them on her. When she said "I am angry that I can't remember so much", I replied, "Chances are, you will in time".
So the journey continues, with CHD, compassion. I am making sure I sleep well at night and my kids see a great role-model.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hi T2, You sound like you're doing great. I hope your W can find some peace going forward. I was wondering, now that she is realizing that the last 5-6 years weren't all about you and you weren't the cause of her unhappiness, why does your W still not want to at least give your M a chance? Maybe some IC and MC. Seems like with kids involved, that might be a way to go. Does she want to learn to be "on her own" since she never did? Is she just too unable to face the hurt and damage she caused?
Now that my W has left and filed and I'm alone when my D is at her mothers, I do have to be careful about getting enough sleep and eat right. Funny how I lose track of time or just don't want to bother to make a decent meal "just for me"! Hang in there and I think by the way you are handling the whole D situation, you are definitely being a great role model for your boys!
T, She has to grow up and learn to be out on her own, i.e., not depend on others to smooth the way for her. She didn't do this when she was a teenager/early 20's, so she's gone back to that time and now needs to understand what it is all about and discover what she thinks she missed.
In your case, I think, she needed to go the entire path to a divorce in order to figure things out. No amount of counseling will take care of this right now...but down the road, she may very well decide to see a counselor to figure the rest of the whys, ifs, ands or buts out.
Right now, she's still fragile to see/face what she's done. She needs to get stronger and healthier in order to face the damage...but the question will be...is she a fighter and wants to get better or is she the type of person who will walk away at the end of the day and leave the destruction in the past and not deal w/it? That's the million dollar question and one that none of us can predict right now. This may be years down the road or she could hit bottom after the divorce and realize what she's done...time will tell on that.
Continue to be the person you are and I know you are there for your sons. They have a great role model and mentor.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you job, and for all of your wisdom, advice, support to me and others...you are amazing.
At least I hit one of my goals, standing long enough so she is more stable as she goes on her journey.
One thing she said is she wants to learn how to not instinctively run or avoid. I hope she does for her own sake, learns those coping skills she never really developed.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Had a long, wonderful talk with stbx-MIL. Brought her up to speed on the D discussions, what I am proposing and WHY. She is awesome, my stbx-MIL, just awesome.
She said they ALL know I have been wonderful to W, and what I am proposing she agrees with, and is very thankful I am still thinking of and through everything and caring towards W's well being. That I am always going to be part of the family, they are there for the kids and me as well. She thanked me for standing as long as I did, and that they all know it is not me, and that there is nothing I can do.
She also agrees that I should have full custody right now, W is not in a place to deal with 50/50, school, etc.
Talk about validation....
I assured her that unlimited access (with pre-notification) to the boys will be written into the decree, that I am not going to try to keep the boys from their mother, Mom's are too important to young (and old) men...
And she said W has a mess in her head still. MIL wishes W would go back on meds and get REAL therapy...
I am really getting excited about my new life that is unfolding...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
