I think I found somebody like that T. She sits in my backyard and squirts water out of her mouth. I should add she really likes birds, doesn't talk much, and is pretty much there whenever I need her. Likes all kinds of weather and is a great listener.
Want I should get another one for ya?
Just teasing, my man. I'm glad you're still processing. As UR pointed out (wise one, that UR) you will feel this all over again only faster. Don't sweat it. It's surprising at first, and then liberating if that same happens to you.
Via Con Dios, Amigo.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I had my first band practice last night since BD#4. # hours of no thinking about sitch things... Just on creating and practicing music.
Epiphany hit me...
The importance of GAL.
And GAL with things you didn't do with your spouse.
I had started looking for a band after BD#3 last year when I started dropping the rope in earnest. After xmas I found the band project, and we actually like each other and have become good friends. They were there for me. W and I never got around to doing music together, so this was something that was always a separate activity not connected to W.
Contrast that to my garden this year, aside from having to be single Dad doing everything, this was something that W and I did together, so every time I went out to try to get going on it, I would be reminded. So this year it isnt very good. And that's okay, a year of rest on most of the beds will good for them.
But the take away is....find GAL activities that are NOT connected to your spouse and M/R.
My music, backpacking, camping, reading sci-fi/fantasy, etc, the things we did NOT share, are a great joy, comfort and satisfying.
The things I like to do that we did share are tough yet.
This also points to another reason why in a R, you DO need your own, separate activities from your partner.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
T, you are correct in that we need to be ourselves in a relationship and together. If something happens (death of a marriage, death of a spouse, etc) then we do have those things that are still us. It also helps during the relationship.
While you process those things, know that you're not alone with that. The things you used to do together will hurt for a while. Some you will drop completely and you will pick up new ones. That is just how it works.
One of my thought processes was that if I liked doing something, I was going to do it regardless. She made her choice to leave and worked hard to make me out to be the bad guy. Common, but the net of it is that those were her choices. My choices are mine, and if I want to do something, I won't let somebody else's choices get in the way with that.
I wish my ex and her H a long life together. I mean that in a good way But I won't stop mine if there is something I want to do. At first it was painful to do some of the things. It has been hard being in the house we lived in for so many years. The memories etc. It's been hard being around the neighbors we used to be so close to. To have them tell me things (unprompted; it's their way of dealing I think) and the way I felt they looked at me.
Now, years later I am happy to say that staying in the house has helped me much more than it hurt. It took time, T. It took effort. But little by little I clawed and scratched to create a life and new memories.
Do I sometimes miss what I had. Not any longer, T. I look back with some fond memories. Some not so fond. But they are memories that are blended with other memories of a new life I built.
You are right that the things you do are some pleasant and some not so much. I know many of us ran from activities we did previous to the great explosions. I found that going back to those to evaluate if I wanted to do them or not was therapeutic. Several I've dropped, but some I've resumed and I'm glad I did.
And I'll tell you something. A lot of conventional wisdom says to run at the first sign of trouble in a relationship. "It's not good for me, so I'll end it and get a new one." That's an attitude I just don't buy. That's a consumerism attitude and one designed to keep you from risking and being hurt. You cannot grow without risk and hurt. Kind of like plants that need grafting and pruning, right? Or weeding.
I applaud your commitment and I know that it will eventually be the thing that really sets you apart and helps you heal completely. Had you walked away a long time ago, you wouldn't have that benefit, T. Also because of not walking away, you're having to deal with the loss now instead of completing that years ago. Had you walked years ago, you would have always wondered and had difficulty finalizing the healing and growth from the experience. You'll be glad you did what you did.
Walk softly, my friend. Enjoy the activities, and keep working on you. It'll go faster than you think as you internalize and accept the feelings. I feel for you, but I know you will do very well in time. Take the time to feel the feelings so you can finalize them. Stop and smell the roses from time to time, so to speak
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I applaud your commitment and I know that it will eventually be the thing that really sets you apart and helps you heal completely. Had you walked away a long time ago, you wouldn't have that benefit, T. Also because of not walking away, you're having to deal with the loss now instead of completing that years ago. Had you walked years ago, you would have always wondered and had difficulty finalizing the healing and growth from the experience. You'll be glad you did what you did.
You are right AJ, I am glad. I can move on without any lingering "what if's", and that is important to me. And my kids.
This "journal entry" will be a bit rambling...
W and I had an very good couple of discussions yesterday. She validated the heck out of me, what I have done the past 5-6 years, and through all of our marriage. That this wasn't me, she sees that now, her IC helped her quit blaming me for everything. She acknowledged that she knows very few men would do what I did. I amaze her.
Some of the highlights from her brain:
-When we met, she hadn't had the experience of being alone and on her own, making mistakes and figuring out how to deal with life, etc (true). She was barely out of her parents when we moved in together, and me being who I am, a good man, always had her back, always bailed her out, etc.
-She always relied on me and how smart I am to figure out stuff, she needs to learn to do this for herself, but even if she stayed and I didn't help, she would look to me to help, and be mad at me for not helping, though she didn't want me to.
-She needs to grow the heck up and become a confident, capable, independent woman, and when difficulties came, she knows she would look to me to help her if we tried to stay together now. She is tired of having the knee-jerk instinct to run, she needs to figure this out without anymore damage to the family. Her words.
-She needs to figure herself out and what she wants her life to look like before she can even be in a R with me, or anyone (has she been reading here? lol). Her empathy is back and she doesn't want to mess up any more lives and continue to hurt me and the boys.
-She knows she is giving up a good man who loved her deeply and would do anything for her. She does love me very much. But she knows inside herself that she has to do this, this way. Though she is very scared.
-She apologized deeply and earnestly for the h3ll she has put me and the kids through the past 3-5 years, her actions and words (her words).
I told her, after thinking about this a lot the past couple weeks, searching my soul, that I agree with her, and I do.
Those were the interesting highlights, she validated me in a lot of things both from standing and the whole R. We talked about my mid-life transition, and how her's commencing snapped me out of mine. She knows she blamed everything on me these past 3 years, and she knows that she was wrong now, that she had a part in the M issues, especially not speaking up until it was a major issue, for example.
There was a lot more, I found it bemusing how much she still hasn't remembered of her words and behaviors... She admitted she is starting to remember some "things" she said and did, and I praised her and validated.
I also discussed how even IF she wanted to reconcile, with the kids starting a new school, and the "re-training" I need to do there, and just jumping back into the stresses of family life, that it wouldn't be good for me, or the kids, or her, or the M, with where she is at right now, to move back in. Everyone needs some stability and calm to make this transition. And that I like the peace in the house right now, the tension went out the door with her when she moved out, and she said she knows....the boys have told her, and she realizes it's truth.
I am feeling (and thinking) okay about letting her go and find herself. Very okay. It is the only rational thing to do.
And I'm at peace.
Though I still am cycling through these feelings, more and more I stay in acceptance and peace mode.
The anger is almost completely gone, and I do not resent her, or that my my stand "failed". No bitterness.
Job, you are right, there will be a time when we can become friends, with enough time and space between us and this particular journey.
While I'm missing the past some, I am looking forward to my future and whatever it may present to me, more.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Hi T2, You are very lucky to have gotten the validation that you have from your W. What I wouldn't give to have my W say half of what yours has said to you. What are your (and W's) plans moving forward? Has she or you thought about filing for D?
It does sound like she may be progressing to another stage in her MLC journey. I really do hope for her, your and your boys sake she can come through and find peace. I wish you the best T2. You sound like you are handling this with grace and that isn't an easy thing to do!
We will be divorcing. Some can come through this without leaving the M and family, some cannot. She cannot.
And I need a D to allow me to fully move on as well. I will not cheat, and I would feel like I was cheating if we just stayed separated. Whenever that next person comes along, they deserve to have me fully present.
I'm getting some closure... and my "stand" got her to some kind of stability before she walks her journey.
And the grace is because of the people here, making me dig deep, looking at the reflections they offered me, of me. And doing something about those reflections.
If I would have walked or kicked her out 3 years ago, it would have been horrible to have her out of the street in the state she was in.
Last edited by TSquared2; 07/10/1406:58 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Comes along? Heck, there's a line waiting all the way around the block for you buddy!
Quote:
I'm getting some closure... and my "stand" got her to some kind of stability before she walks her journey.
And the grace is because of the people here, making me dig deep, looking at the reflections they offered me, of me. And doing something about those reflections.
If I would have walked or kicked her out 3 years ago, it would have been horrible to have her out of the street in the state she was in.
Wow, talk about showing love. This to me is what true love is all about, and you sir wrote the book! I'm so happy that your W is now able to see all you gave to her. You continue to be my hero, and inspire me to give my W and marriage my best.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
But I won't stop mine if there is something I want to do. At first it was painful to do some of the things. It has been hard being in the house we lived in for so many years. The memories etc. It's been hard being around the neighbors we used to be so close to. To have them tell me things (unprompted; it's their way of dealing I think) and the way I felt they looked at me. 
She admitted she is starting to remember some "things" she said and did, and I praised her and validated.