It's been awhile since I've updated my thread/story.
First of all, Thanksgiving was absolutely awesome! The boys and I had a great dinner, my two younger ones each made a side dish with my coaching, the dinner table convos were fun, full of male humor and banter. When it was time to go around and decalre what we were thankful for, the boys touched me with being thankful for the great food I cook, the new school we started this fall, etc, (oh, and video games and girls, naturally). I said that I was thankful for them, the kind of men they are becoming, and for the opportunity to finally get to be the father I always wanted to be.
They then went to their Mother's for dessert, she baked them a pie (she was good at baking). They came back a couple hours later. They didn't say much and I didn't ask.
So the beginning of the first holiday season without her was just awesome for me, content, happy, peaceful, at peace...at times I was almost giddy. Compared to the last 3? Definite improvement.
Backing up a bit, we had an unseasonal dump of snow two weekends before Thanksgiving. Sunday morning at o'dark thirty stbxw texts me wanting know what meds she was on before that seemed to work. And where I had gotten the estroven she took. So I gave her the info. Naturally, with her history of depression, I wondered...
Tuesday morning she texts me wanting to talk, I told her after my coffee kicked in (and I energized my shields).
First thing when she got on the phone she bombarded me with compliments, saying how amazing I am, how I've dealt with all this, what an awesome job I'm doing with the boys, etc, etc. Yeah, I triggered, turned shields up to 85%. I thanked her.
Then she started in with how she isn't doing well, that her car is really bad in snow and is stuck in the driveway (it has a slight down slope). She said she didn't even think about winter when she bought it (it's a 90's Mustang GT...probably one of the worst cars in the snow possible, when she bought it, I wanted to say something, but thanks to the STFU ninja techniques taught here...I said nothing..no protecting, no rescuing). She had a very hard time getting home from work the night it snowed, etc. But a volunteer at her store, a man in his 60's, is helping her get her car out (she's very good at getting people to help her, especially men). She wanted advice on what she should do, and I told what I would do.
She was spinning in a deep depression and wanted me to research meds and therapists for her. She "always" appreciated that about me...Thankfully, I installed brand spanking new tachyon "anti-Hoover" shields on Starship T2 and turned them up to full power and did not get pulled in emotionally. Mr. Spock was fully present on the bridge and in the captain's chair. She went on about how her IC may not be enough, etc. During the discussion I suggested to her, again, that with her HPD traits and that I thought that she possibly could have been suffering with bi-polar type 2 all these years (no usual "manic" cycles, just a return to "normal" usually, sometimes a very mild manic phase) that I agreed she needs more than her IC (I saw the same IC 3 years ago too), she needs a real psychologist who does DBT, it is known to work with the cluster "B" disorders (I do have a degree in psych and counseling experience). That the touchy-feely talk therapy with current IC is good as an adjunct, but she needs more, in my opinion, and knowing her half my life.
Her Mother was also sending her money for therapy, as she hasn't hit her deductible yet and can't afford the out-of-pocket (this is amazing, usually she hit her deductible on our plan by April).
I did as she asked though, because she IS my kids' Mother, and her getting better is in their interest. I texted her back some info on some Psychologists who are trained in DBT, some info on meds. But I was curious, so I called her Mom.
And yes, her Mom said she was in a spinning depression/anxiety cycle. That stbxw was wondering if she made a mistake moving out. I asked her about that. She said that stbxw "missed the kids, and that I was so good to her, took care of her, etc". But that stbxw was afraid if she came back, that when she got better she would want to leave again...
This is where MIL gave her "what fer", paraphrasing here (picture a 70 year old sweet URworthy, fired up, with a Minnesota accent ):
"T2, I told her, if you're thinking that way, Dee, you need to get yourself straightened out and figured out. Don't you DARE do that to those wonderful boys of yours. Don't you DARE do that to T2, you've put him through so much over the years already (this was "interesting"...other people seeing things I didn't). You get yourself some real help..." etc, etc.
I told MIL that there was NO WAY I was going to disrupt the calm, structure and clean house/good food with the boys, they are doing too well in school, and in life, for her roller coaster to be brought into the picture and un-do the stability.
MIL agreed, and said that when she heard I was getting the kids, she was relieved and happy, that she knows they need a stable parent.
I then asked her, "so just that she missing her kids and that I was so good to her? Any other reasons?" (my Ego just had to know)
She replied, "No, T2, no...just about her needs and herself...I'm sorry".
Yup... no surprise here.
So after the spin cycle, back to dimmest/dark. Only contact about the kids, the D, and finances, and I almost always initiate those.
NC/dim/dark is a sanity-saver.
And Tachyon Anti-Hoover Shields?? Priceless.
So that's the latest drama with stbxw.
I am so glad to be off her roller coaster.
I have been wiping a lot more of the rose-smear on my glasses regarding our M/R...and figuring myself out as to what I was thinking, did, the nasty "why's" and fears...it's good for me, but still crappy going there.
My life is so good, amazingly good. I can't describe the difference...and maybe that was an unconscious fear I had during my stand, and, during the M, that I would find I'd be better off and happier without her...
What would that say about her? Or,... me? I avoided that weed big-time.
And looking at my current R with NW/GF? I'm floored at what a very drama-free R feels like, how it works.
But I'm new to this.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I am very happy for you. You've come a long way and your life is unfolding in ways that you never expected. Thanksgiving sounded awesome!
Keep up the good work! I can't wait to hear what happens over the holidays coming up!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Glad to hear how well you are doing, T2! Funny, my W sounds much like your W only she wants to believe that she doesn't need IC or meds anymore because I and our M was the cause of her depression. I wish my MIL had the guts to talk to her D the way yours did. She feels the same way, will say the same things but won't say the words to my W for fear of being seen as "unsupportive". The thing is she is losing her D day by day as W has totally stopped caring about her and her mothers side of the family and only about her father. Someone really needs to have a talk with her about getting help. Not me of course, as all that would do is make things worse. I really hope your W gets the help she needs so badly. Every time my W started to feel better about our M before she left, she would say the same thing about being afraid that she would just want to leave again later. Must be a common fear.
Awesome to see how well you and your sons are doing. I have only girls myself, makes for a whole different atmosphere and conversation subjects! You are so lucky to have them most of the time. I really feel most natural, at my best, when with my girls. You sound like a great dad, T2. And a drama free R? I wonder what that must feel like!
Her family opened presents on x-mas eve, mine x-mas day, and this works for both of us, so no trading back and forth, splitting the days or every other year. That will be good for the boys.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I agree, the no back and forth/splitting of days will be ideal for your sons.
You have been an inspiration to the readers, not only w/the way you've handled you situation, but w/your growth, sage advice and your humor.
Keep up the good work and please don't be a stranger here. You are still part of the family even though you are blazing new trails in the world called life.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It was a very warm and fuzzy reading for me to see you updating all of us about your 'new life'. Seems you've hit many milestones in your new life...even NW/GF!!! Way to go. Your boys do need you as the positive male influence and they will be watching you how you treat their mother (and GF) for they will learn how to treat a woman with respect regardless of how they respond to you.
Matt, she was trying to stay off them and fix herself, herself. But she told me she realizes she may not be able to do it naturally, via herbs, etc, right now.
I love having full custody (she gets unlimited visitation time, I just need to be informed ahead of time). Sad thing is that 2 of the boys have issues being with her (though I have made it clear I expect them to spend time with her), and she doesn't initiate much visitation time outside of picking them up from school on her days off during the week.
But I know my responsibility is solely to not damage their R's...but I do try to encourage every now and then, like over Thanksgiving break I texted her, and them, to maybe see if they could do some stuff... nada.
Drama-free R? It feels weird sometimes, lol...yet refreshing. Kind of gives you some perspective, which is why I'm digging into myself some more, as "less than fun" as that is, it needs doing, ya know?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I still read and follow sitches job, sometimes comment and try to help, especially for the guys here. I want to pay it forward, the blessing this forum is and how much you all helped me, helped me grow into the man I want to be.
Thank you Wonka, and I read your latest update, congrats (I think...lol) on meeting with EXW and feeling "nada"...
I am acutely aware of being watched, I think I've done well so far
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I did fail to mention that one of the things that had stbxw spinning was that I paid my L retainer and the petition is in progress after doing all the legwork. That it was real now...
My L front loaded all the discovery into the petition, so the judge has all the info needed and demonstrated that she is actually coming out a wee bit better financially than I am. I will most likely waive child support, but I might just take a fraction of it to avoid having the stress of her voluntarily giving some financial support and having to contact and nag. Not sure on that one yet.
She (my L) also wrote in a default clause that if stbxw did not respond within the 20 day state mandated "cooling off period", that it would go through as stipulated.
We shall see, my L has a trial that is taking a lot longer than she expected, but we should be filed here soon.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
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