Just some random thoughts, thinking about all this....
IF she wants back in, these are the questions I want answered:
What has changed that brought about this desire?
Why do you want me to be a part of your life again?
Why do you think I should allow you back as a part of my life?
What steps are you going to take to make yourself better?
What steps are you going to take to make our relationship better?
What are some things you can do to show that I can trust this?
What are some things we can do to keep the R safe?
I don't want the kids and I to have to go through a second leaving, if at all possible. No free pass, she has to want "me" in addition to the kids and lifestyle. I have peace, order, decisiveness on my own which is good for me, and my kids, we are happy, they comment on the consistency. I'm not willing to "give" that away.
If she wants out, or wants back in for the wrong reasons, then I will let her go walk her path, the story line splits and diverges, no anger, no retribution. Just a D and ending done with Class, Honor and Dignity, on my side at least.
Need more coffee...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
come back for reasons other than being head over heels, Hollywood "soulmate" , porn-star sexed starved for you...
LOL!!
I don't expect that.
Those questions ^^^ and my rambling thoughts are to try to determine if "TRY" is a valid thing with her...that she truly believes/thinks a new, better R with me is possible, if not guaranteed...And will truly put in the effort. That is one area of broken trust with me. Based on her past behaviors, even pre-mlc.
I'm not usually an all or nothing thinker, but I have learned to pay closer attention to the grey areas.
What I don't want is someone who is only in it until the kids are out of the house and they have advanced their career, then they leave again. I want better than that for myself and my kids.
"I" have to be part of the equation, the desire to come back. Worth the work.
Because I am.
Gah!! Need more coffee...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Whoa, we're getting a clipboard AND abacus out? Count me in!
Mach, I really liked what you said - "Typically, when the MLCer returns, the LBS is light years ahead of them in terms of relationship skills....
What YOU might view as being a lame attempt...
SHE might be sayin..
I'm given 'er all shes got Cap'n !!!
I would suggest that you think about what that might look like for YOU too..
What signs, tell you that she is trying...
What signs, tell you what YOU need to see, and know
What does a reconciled Marriage look like to you ????"
T, you are worth the effort. We know it. Mach would even almost switch teams for you - LOL!
The thing is...what I've been personally seeing... Is that the MLCer's mind is still in such chaos on the way out of the tunnel. They don't know what to trust, everything they "thought" they knew for sure (we're evil, their life is the worst, they can find happiness with OP, etc) is now in question.
Simply put... They don't know what the hell to think.
So while I believe there will come a time when they will need to prove their commitment to us and the marriage if there's any real chance of rebuilding, I think it's something that evolves slowly. They need to be sure they can trust us first - and I can only imagine how difficult that must be.
Drink some more coffee T, mull everything over in your T brain. You've done the work, being the best T you can be, but MLC seems to take FOREVER...
Good thing time is on our side, right?
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
My second crush...you raise good questions and some I don't think is in the right direction.
IF she wants back in, these are the questions I want answered:
What has changed that brought about this desire?
In my experience, it was a slow and gradual realization that my chit was mine to own and it was all on me all a long. As I've regaled in my previous threads, I came out of the fog and the picture was almost Claritin clear to me. Same thing occurred to Raine's and rH's husbands when they slowly shifted their feet back into their marital home. This process comes in dribbles. Usually doesn't happen in a fell swoop.
The desire also comes back ever so gradually. This isn't The Notebook movie you're viewing starring you and your W. Sorry to put a damper on this scenario in your head, buddy.
This is the MLCer mind at work. This is something you need to be mindful.
Why do you want me to be a part of your life again?
I am sure your W will have her own reasons. What's usually universal in the MLCer is that they buried their love for the LBS and it does come back slowly once the MLCer's fog is cleared out. We miss the true essence of you, view you as our true anchor in life's storms, and the history involved in being connected with you. Cannot deny that at all.
It is not "wanting the LBS to be a part of the MLCers life" line of thinking that you should be entertaining. We WANT to be a part of you, the marriage and the family. We are drawn back to that. That is if we get our chit together and realize that happiness is internal.
Why do you think I should allow you back as a part of my life?
This sounds unforgiving along with a mixture of self-righteous indignation. Am I 'warm' here, T? You make it sound as if W broke into a bank, stole a Trans-Am, or some other perceived law-breaking activity.
Would you tell a puppy who has deep, physical wound to bark/tell you why it should be allowed back into your life? Hell no! You'd scoop up the puppy and give it lots of TLC. Likewise with the MLCer.
What steps are you going to take to make yourself better?
That will have to happen much, much later. As I've urged Raine in her threads that she will have to be her H's wingman and act as a mentor to him. Most of DBers are at the Calculus level and the returning spouses are at the 2nd grade math. Whatcha gonna do? Just let W flounder and turn back on her because she' hasn't progressed beyond the 2nd grade level?
I get that you really want a partner to be supportive, loving, and encouraging in walking the same path as you. You gotta need to adjust your expectation levels in this area.
What steps are you going to take to make our relationship better?
Why don't you show the way as W's wingman? A true forgiving spouse will give the MLCer allowances for there'll be some stumbles in the reconciliation phase. Kinda like re-learning stuff again. In my case, I count myself very, very blessed to have walked the DB path for it allowed me to view my patterns, behaviors and habits with a different perspective.
What are some things you can do to show that I can trust this?
You are freakin' fearful of having a bomb dropped on you once again years down the road or W going through MLC once again. To me, based on what I've read here and elsewhere, I have not seen any former MCLer go through MLC twice. I would guess that the odds of that happening are very, very low.
You'll know it when W is getting back to the M. You've seen rH's and Raine's threads. Jack Three Beans too.
What are some things we can do to keep the R safe?
You need to look within and dig really deep as this is a reflection of your fears. Fear of a second round of MLC. Who knows...you just may get hit with MLC later down the road. It's happened around here too.
T, When the mlcer begins to make their way back to the spouse and the relationship, it is a very slow process and it doesn't happen over night, i.e., just as they went into the crisis in a very slow way. Wonka says it best, i.e., "dribbles".
She's not going to be able to answer your questions for many months after she returns because she will still be fragile and learning to live in her new skin. As others have pointed out, the lbs is miles ahead of the MLCer in growth, which means she's got a lot of catching up to do and she will do it if she wants back into the relationship and in your heart. This is world patience will come into play more than ever.
T, I kid you not, reconciliation is the hardest part of the journey because both of you have taken different paths during the crisis and now must come together and learn how to live as a couple once again. It's starting over fresh and just like any new couple, it takes time.
So, drink another cup of coffee and mull those thoughts over...but remember, it will take 18-24 months after she's moved back home for things to truly settle down. There will be days when there is confusion, ups and downs, and yes, second thoughts...but the bottom line is this...both of you will still have much work to do that will require patience and little or n no expectations.
BTW, when she comes through her crisis, she will not have another one. The only time a person goes through a second one is if they have been snatched out of the crisis that they are experiencing or it's been interrupted by something going on in their lives...so, do not be afraid that she will have another one.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I have not had my coffee yet, either, but I'm going to have some, then read some more. Meanwhile, I was sort of "all hopeful" for a minute, until I remembered that we're nowhere NEAR doing any of this stuff.
*sigh*
OTOH, I didn't wake up feeling that way right off the bat this morning. That's a big improvement over weeks past. Baby steps...baby steps..coffee..
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
