M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Found out today my H filed for divorce, 2 8weeks before our 15th wedding anniversary......
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I'm sorry to read that he's filed. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Just curious as to what people do to forget/forgive the ugly,mean and the cheating the spouse does? One minute I'm okay I'm past it and can move on and the next I think about it and hate him. It's hard to continue on with the stages when...with are you doing this for creaps in. Then I think are you crazy?? especially when you have a H that hates you 1 minute and wants to be friends the next. I try as best I can to limit contact and only for kids.
I know it's part of the process but I just wondered how other people handle it?
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
We don't handle it. We accept what it is and work on ourselves. Read as much as you can about forgiveness. This will help you to accept your S as is at the time. Remember, you can believe any that is said and only half of what you see. It's true.
As I was driving on a 9 hour drive a in remembered a letter my H to me. In it it said he hasn't been in love with me for about 2 years. Not sure what happened 2 years ago but doesn't really matter. I guess he was starting his MLC then??
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M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Actually something happened 18-24 months prior to that letter. But, yes, his mlc was going into full swing w/the letter. I'm sorry the memories are starting to surface. Feel the pain and the release it.
I hope you are doing well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Lately my H will call me to talk instead of just text. This is the guy who "hated" me and never wanted to talk again... He told me "you're not my mother"..wants to call me to talk and "be his mother" ??? Isn't that the gf's job?? Lol
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Oh and asked me to help with some applications, which I used to do. I said why can't your gf do it? He said she doesn't need to be involved in that.. Wth?? She is a LD relationship 2 hrs away and see each other maybe once a month.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
"mom", Sounds like your son is lonely for the human connection and is seeking you out to chat with. He also needs something...someone to help him w/some applications. May I ask...why can't he do his own applications? He's a big boy and he'll never learn how to do things, if "mom" continues to do them for him. I think it's funny that he doesn't want the gf involved. Yes...wth?
I think I would step back from call for help from your h and let him do the applications himself or if you feel bad about it, you can sit him down and be there as a mentor and allow him to do them under your watchful eye.
BTW, he does see you as "mom" because he knows that he can always rely on you to do things for him, just like a mother.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The first time I'd ever heard him say was not his mom. It was during an argument about somewhere he was or something. Never before.
As far as his applications. He has been but not too well. They are complicated and time sensitive. He doesn't really ask just hints he could use help.
Yes, not sure why he can't/won't get her involved. I'm sure the long distance conversation. I love you, miss you no content conversation gets boring. I have heard from him its gone from 25 texts/ calls a day to a few. He must need more conversation with someone who can have more of a conversation and understand?? And then in the next breath talk about the divorce.....still on that roller coaster..
To answer the last question Yes, he has always relied on me to do everything. I don't know if you remember but somebody had made a comment about me doing and reminding him about things. He must get mad and think I'm nagging. I said he has never in 20 years said that. So I asked one day to see and he said "no"..
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
He is trying to get a firefighter job and its tough. That is why I do it. Plus I want him to get a ff job to make more money..that is my reason for doing it.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I haven't been doing it for a couple months. He's been messing them up. I have selfish reasons for doing it.
He has been trying to have more contact with me and longer conversations prior to saying he's been messing up his apps. So I don't think he is doing that just so I'd help. He would have just asked. When I said why doesn't gf do it he said forget it I'll do it myself and then she doesn't need to get involved in that. He says they are still together so idk??
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
If you feel comfortable in assisting him w/the applications and have no expectations, then I see no reason to say no since you've been doing them for a while...but he's got to learn how to do them for himself at some point, i.e., especially if there comes a time that you officially end the marriage.
Sounds like the GF is just a convenience and he doesn't want her to know his business when it comes to his past employment activities, etc. Is he trying to get a private or Federal Government firefighting position?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He is trying to get whichever he can. It is just one issue after another with it. He has applied for about 30 positions. In CA, there are very few jobs and lots of applicants He was hired and the city put on a freeze. Recently he went and passed his test but HR said he didn't do the online test reservation. He was on the list! They don't give confirmation for it....he went to take a test and got there 1/2 hr prior to test on the notice but it was an hour prior.. Goes on and on. This has been 4 years. That was the start of the mlc in my opinion. So yes, I do it and don't have any expectations.
As far as GF I guess. Its all superficial and nothing personal as far as I can see. I guess that is what he still tries to get from me??
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
He has commented that he tells her about testing or whatever he does but I guess doesn't fell she needs to help with the process. He has never been a deep talker so I'm sure he doesn't express much about himself with gf?? He must feel more comfortable talking to me because he talks to me if he hates me or not...
I need to keep my distance like I've done for the last month. He just always try to sneek back in?? Especially now that he is not talking to her 24/7...he never visits her she always comes here for a 12 hour quickly every month or so. So I am sure he needs the interaction.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Hi NAP, I think he doesn't want gf involved because he would have to be honest about everything in order to fill it out right. You know, who he "really' is, she just knows what he wants her to about him. Can't have the fantasy person he makes himself out to be get messed up with who he truly is! She might not like who he really is!
By the way, here in Texas, being 2 hours away isn't a long distance relationship! Takes me over an hour just to get to work in the AM! If they really wanted to see each other more 2 hours isn't gonna keep anyone apart. Maybe things with gf aren't what he makes them out to be??
I agree if they wanted to see each other they could or would. She has her kids every other weekend and that is when she tried to see him. But he tries to spend ad much time with our kids if not working. I think he likes it that way. He would like an EA only probably but she seems to push for more. From what I've read. He is not a sex driven man so he doesn't need it all the time. When he is stressed his sex drive is even lower. He definetly needs the emotional smoke blowing she gives. It seems to be not as exciting for him anymore.
I guess he wants to look like Mr. Wonderful to her I guess. The work history is a mystery. But I guess its TMI about him because all is superficial and roses. Either that I have always done all and he wants a different independent life. If so he better figure out how to do all.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
So, I asked H if there were any applications I needed to send as he is getting the notifications now not me. He sent back a text saying thank you, but he will do them. Its not my responsibility. Then he sent me a text saying that he would take the trailer to the dump tomorrow. I said thank you, but its not your responsibility :-). I said if you don't want me to do then that's fine. He said I just don't want you to feel you need to......I said if I didn't want to I would not offer. Idk I think he wants me to help but doesn't want to owe me??
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
NAP, Part of my W's MLC is a need she has to NOT need me. I would always save her when she was in trouble. I would always take over when she needed help. It really bothers her to "need" me! Maybe this is what your H is going through. He wants to be able to do things for himself. He wants to be independent, be the guy who takes care of himself (why he likes the OW blowing smoke). It doesn't bother him to help you but he bothers him to need your help. He's a young, capable guy! (In his mind) He doesn't need anything from the person who ruined his life and he has to get away from, right? I'm willing to bet it bugs him to no end that he needs your help doing the applications.
Be careful with this. You and I know you are doing it as a favor, because you want to. He may not like that you doing it for him because it bothers him that he needs the help. This is something I needed to learn about my W. The more she needed my help, the more she disliked me because of HER need.
Matt, I am sure you are right he does not want to need me. Because that's what he is running from, me!!! I'm sure it drives him crazy to need me and/or even want to talk to me. This is not the first time he asked me to help and then didnt have me do it. Because he wants to be able to do it on his own.
The last thing he wants now is to know I am right about any thing. lol
On the other hand he wants me to need him!! Even after I told him I didn't need him to take the trailer he said I don't mind dumping it for you. He has always offered to do things for me around the house or whatever and I keep telling him, thank you but I can do it. Guilt? It's part of our co dependency problem.
I have contact with gf stbxh. He told me to tell my H Gf's car needs fixing. My H Said I'm not fixing her car. It's not my problem! The next week he took my car in to be fixed. I'm sure she wouldn't be too happy!? I'm thinking the fantasy is wearing off not doing it for him anymore. More and more signs of this. However, she thinks they will be together forever.. Doesn't mean he won't find someone new though.... For the most part now I don't see H or try to talk very little in the past month, like I said in prior post. I'm trying to keep it this way for now. When he calls I always try to hang up first.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
My kids and I have spent the last week on the coast having a great time..back to reality tomorrow.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Back home and my H said he is coming over tomorrow to put shoes on my horse. He is a semi retired Farrier. I told him that he does not have to do my horse or take the garbage. I will have it done. But he is insisting on doing it. Now this is the man for 20 years I've been fighting, bagging, pleading, offering $, sex. You get the idea. He hated doing our horses.He suffered with a bad back frim shoeing. I get it but only the last 10 years. He just did not like doing ours. This is the reason of career change.
I don't get now why does he is want to do these thing? We've ben separated 9 months. He mention in the beginning that he would do things around the house. But that didn't happen due to fighting not getting along and whatever else. We still don't get along great for civil. a lot of eggs shell walking. I guess this is just part of the process? But strange to me.... during all this he will mention getting a divorce then like is just a part of a conversation.
I just agree with whatever he talks about. ..
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
He came and took me to drop off rental car and shoe my horse. The kids were around tje whole time. Just like when we were married. I love my kids but I do blame for part of our problems over having kids. My daughter is always between the two of us. Jealously? ? Our fault for allowing it!! One reason we didnt have a lot of alone time. H does talk but when I start conversation and very little eye contact. When we talk it's usually one word answers but then every once in awhile it's like he forgets and keep talking. Never ask about me. But that is how its always been...so nothing new. He is now off to work 3 days straight. Back Tuesday to check and see if kids did chores and go to dump...
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
For the record. I don't see this as him wanting to return. He is also still heavily involved in his relationship with his gf. As much as you can be texting and talking ??
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I agree...he's not to the point of wanting to return...but he still needs that connection to know that you and the "routine" are still there.
I'm glad he came over and did some things around the home. At least it shows that he feels comfortable in doing them, even w/the children around.
Keep the focus on you for a while.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. Yes, I am. And I better ride my horse everyday and wear those shoes down so he sees I'm riding... I make sure I never bring up gf as well.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
As far as the kids I think in his mind he is doing it for them..except he knows the horse is for me. Regardless of what he thinks its a HUGE deal he did it. He'd rather cut off his arm for sure and it was a MAJOR issue and faught about it whenever needed.
Its been months since he's actually gotten out of his truck and he actually came in the house!! I will continue living MY life and enjoy my kids ❤ I also thanked him again and said how much it meant to me he did this for me...
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Yes, this was a huge step in the right direction and I'm glad you thanked him for coming over and doing things around the home, especially w/your horse. Now that he's taken this step, who knows...he just might begin to come over more because he discovered it didn't kill him to do so and it was a "safe" environment for him.
Continue moving forward and enjoy the rest of your summer w/your children and doing the things that you love to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
My goal now is to lay low and not contact H. I will wait for him to reach out to me . I will continue to live my life. Dating, disastrous first date but at least I went...enjoying the rest of the summer with my kids. Time will tell what happens next.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Dear Beautiful Girl, What are you willing to let go of today? Life is so much about knowing what to hold on to, and what to let go of -- and having faith that it will all work out in the end. Your heart and your gut know exactly what you need to let go of, even if your brain is giving you all sorts of reasons to clamp your fingers around it. There are seasons and times to have different things, relationships and situations in your life, and then the seasons change and it's time to let go of many of those things. Change is hard, but change is absolutely necessary. We've all got to let go of old habits, old situations, old behaviors and sometimes even old relationships to make room for what is meant for the next part of our lives. If we just get quiet, get brave, and listen very closely, our hearts will tell us what to let go of. This doesn't mean it will be easy. It just means that it is what is meant for now. You can do this. Listen to your heart. Be brave. xoxo
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I had a thought. It's just running in my head why H would shoe my horse. It's just something he never would do. Always a HUGE battle.He'd say you're never going to ride. He was right. I didn't make time. When he asked for the list of things to do while on vacation I just threw that on. Never once complained or asked why..i even said 2-3 times don't worry. I'll take care of it..but kept insisting.. I'm not looking for an answer. I know it's impossible. Really just journaling because its such a 180 for him....maybe he's just trying to get me to co-operate with divorce?? I'm sure he didn't tell his GF but lucky for him since she lives 2.5 hrs away he doesn't have to since they hardly ever saw each other. I'm sure that's a huge bonus for him. I think it would be for me. Ha hs
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Accept him for who he is today and try not to "over" analyze anything he does. He's different now, so maybe he just went ahead and took care of your horse for you. I don't think there is any hidden agenda here w/what is going on in his mind right now.
No, I don't think divorce is on his mind right now and I wouldn't even think about this as a stepping stone of niceness to pave the way to one.
Let it go. Be sure to thank him for doing the things around your home for you. Again...accept him for who he is today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Its been a while since I posted. H seems to want to be civil no matter what. A good thing. We went about 3 weeks getting along great the the sh*t hit the fan and we had an ugly day of fighting where I got the usual kind words like he hated me and never wanted to speak to me again. Then a few hours later he wanted to get along....I have been very stand offish since. Communication very short and about kids only....I'm really starting to not care about any of this bs any more. We still haven't done anything about the divorce. During our fight he was going to leave town and tell the attorney just to stop. He later said he was just leaving because he was mad. We have a court date on Aug 3...we'll see. I also asked if he still was with his gf he said she's not his gf...hmmm I said you're not in love with her? I thought she was your soul mate and love of your life? H said yes I like her...really like her??? He said she live 3 hours away we don't see each other very often. She visits sometimes like 1x a month.. I'm not sure why he has been so nice last few weeks?? Although their relationship has always been this way. I guarantee she feels different.. I am at the point now I just want to get along for the kids..I don't see us getting back together this time...
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
No, she's not his gf because in his state of mind, she's nothing more than a fxxk buddy. Keep in mind, that he's still thinking like a young adult and he doesn't see their relationship for anything more than a friendship, not the true deep love that comes from a mature, committed relationship. So, what he's telling you is true in his mind.
The getting along and then having a day of arguing is typical and you aren't dealing w/an emotionally mature adult right now. He's going to get mad at things, and most likely silly things, and then stomp off and say he hates you, doesn't like you, i.e., like a kid.
Maybe he's being nice because he knows that the court date isn't far off. Maybe he senses that you are detaching and distancing yourself from him. Keep in mind, the more he senses you are distancing yourself from him, the more he's going to pursue you one way or the other.
I'm sorry things have been all over the place for you, but hopefully things will settle down after the court date. Keep the focus on you and your children and allow the man upstairs to work on your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When say that "I don't see us getting back together this time" I mean because my feeling have changed. Plus I highly doubt he will.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
NAP, I understood what you were saying. It's difficult not to have your feelings change when a crisis comes along and your world is turned upside down. The longer the crisis goes on, the more the people change and sometimes, they go their separate ways. No matter what happens, you are a success story.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Jobs. As usual great advise. Yes, he just has a true temper tantrum when ever I do or say something he doesn't like. I was surprised how quickly this time he stopped and said he was sorry and misunderstood..that was new. It could be the court date but we were supposed to turn in our paperwork before and not go. We've agreed on everything. The date was his greedy a** attorney..however time was ticking and he's always too busy to meet me. He knows if we go to court it ugly for him.. I guess we'll see what happens to his attitude after the date. Yes, I have detached quite a bit and when we talk its about kids only...
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Thank you!!I didn't see your post when I wrote this Yes,true. 7 years ago this too happened and when I was feeling "free" he came back....too soon,even though we'd been apart 8 mos. Almost the same time now. But I know now we weren't ready. Nor are we now!! It would be a lot different now and don't even think I can do it again. I guess I've grown too!! I was so desperate last time and I see it different now.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I wonder why my stbx won't look at me when he talks to me? Just wondering...
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
The reason he can't look at you is because he feels guilty or he's lied to you about something. Sometimes they can't look at you because they don't want to see the pain that may be showing on your face...but I would sit quietly and the answers will fall into your lap very soon.
Ggrass, It all depends upon the individual as to how they can handle their emotions when facing the spouse or someone else when it comes to guilt and lying. Some are excellent at hiding the guilt and lies and can play a game of poker quite well and never give anything away. Then, there are others who can't deal w/the shame, guilt, lying or having done something to screw the spouse over and will try to avoid the spouse at all costs and when in close proximity w/the spouse, will look everywhere else and not have eye contact w/the spouse.
IMHO, those who can look you in the eye and lie till the cows come home, have made an effort to harden their hearts and emotions towards the lbs while having to communicate w/the spouse on a one to one basis. They had done a darn good job of vilifying the spouse so that the emotions/empathy chip, have been turned off when dealing w/the lbs.
Once the MLC trip has begun, in their minds, the life that they once shared w/the lbs, is over and they do not think of themselves as still married. In their minds, they separated and divorced us 18-24 months prior to the BD, so it's far easier for some to lie or avoid the truth at every turn. They do not think it's necessary to be honest w/the lbs as it is of no concern to them or, in some cases, they think that the less the lbs knows, the less pain that they will cause by telling the truth.
Again, it's an individual "personality" trait during MLC and how they handle things.
Ggrass, was your h a good liar before the crisis or could you "read" him when he told a lie or avoided the truth? While they are in crisis, you have to learn how to really listen to what they are telling you and you can then sift through the conversation because they do tell on themselves, just as their body language will.
I replied to this but I guess it was lost in changes. Can't remember what I said. Lol
H,kids and I went together to s football game 2 1/2 hr away. We did to save gas $. We did the same TT by next day for daughters gymnasium meet. It happened to be in the same place. We got along fine. The first night H Seemed quiet and a not grouchy. I didn't sit with him. I kept thinking all night how I didn't miss his demeanor. I didn't realize how fence he made me and I was always trying you get him in a better mood. The next day he was much better. We talked and sat together.
He told me his GF was mad because we went together. Ha! It was also her weekend off with kids! They only see each other 1-2 times a month anyway.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Last week we had to go over our divorce paper. After her left he sent a text. Thanking me for getting together and doing that I know its not an easy thing. I still want to help you do things that needs to be done around the house.
I sent back you're welcome and I appreciate the offer but I don't think your GF will be happy about it. He said she doesn't have a say and none of her business....
When we were driving to the game this weekend it was brought up. He said she'll have to deal with it I'm doing it for mg kids. I said yes, but its really for me. Its my house and the kids don't care if something need to be fixed or whatever. He said you're right. I left it at that..... We talk almost everyday. He has always been a clinger even when he hates me and wants me dead! The next day he'll say he doesn't want to fight and talk about kids.
Should I keep the communication going after a year of this? We are getting along nicely. But I'm think I should pull back and not communicate while I'm on top? Meaning getting along instead of fighting? I know the divorce is looking enevitable and don't have much hope of reconciliation but a piece of me still hangs on. Nothing in our lives have changed in last year. He is supposed to get a fulltime job next month and will have regular hours. That may make him happy. Funny D14 isn't feeling well and he just texted me to see how she was feeling instead of asking her.....
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
NAP, You are the only one that can decide if you want to go another year or not you want to communicate w/him. Why not try going dimmer and not dark for a while. He's quite happy status quo and why should he even think of changing anything when he can have his cake and eat it too, w/ice cream on the side?
One change that could be made at this time is that if he's interested in the welfare of his 14 yr old daughter is for him to contact her directly and not ask you. She's old enough to respond to his inquiries.
Divorce won't change anything in the way that you all have been communicating unless you want it to. Again, only you can decide if and when you want off the coaster.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I haven't read your entire sitch, although your list caught my eye. For your own sanity, you may want to pull back a bit. It won't hurt anything and it can most importantly help you get where you want to be.
And in regards to the new job finally making him happy, he may be okay temporarily, however it won't *make* him happy. That's what my crystal ball says.:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hi Job, I agree. I really need to not communicate with him as much. He really needs to know he can't count on me. He needs to know what it is like without me! He hasn't because we are still very much in each others lives. I am going to try that now as difficult as it is with kids but I don't need the chit chat and stuff like that. I will just keep it as little as possible. Here is what it's like. So I said yesterday, he called me about D. This am he called her on the way to school. He asked her how she was feeling? She hit her head yesterday pretty bad. She said it was still sore. 15 mins later he called me and asked me??!! I really feel he hates me but can't leave me alone?? Always has to have a hold? I need to pull the plug on that one and let him go down the drain. I think it is the same for me. I need to let go to full get on with me. I have dated and I don't think of him all the time but I do still get sad. And have some hope in the back of my head. Thanks
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Part of my H MLC I believe is his lack of getting the job he is trained for and wants. H has been going to school for 3 years prior to BD to be a paramedic fire fighter. He has applied to many, many, many fire depts. and it is very hard to get a job here. He has been working as a paramedic for the last year and it's part time. He can work as much as he wants but its just hours he gets. He will be getting a set schedule and full time. Yes, he maybe happy a while correct as it is not a fire job that he wants. He is still (I am still at times) applying for jobs all the time. This is something I used to do all the time for him. I only do it every so often for him now.
Thanks
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
The reason he can't look at you is because he feels guilty or he's lied to you about something. Sometimes they can't look at you because they don't want to see the pain that may be showing on your face...but I would sit quietly and the answers will fall into your lap very soon.
Job,
You were so right on the next day he went to a concert with his gf instead of working. Who cares. I obviously know he's with her? I guess he still feels guilty and hide. Hr says I'll just get mad. I said no it doesn't bother me anymore. But that's something he always does (lie) to avoid getting in trouble. At that time anyway. He was always caught (by me) and it would always have been a better outcome if he'd have just been honest.....never going to learn!!!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I'm sorry that I was pretty much on the mark w/this one. They would rather lie than tell the truth. Why? Because they don't want to hurt us or they don't want to hear the disappointment in our voices or see it in our expressions. So sad.
Will he ever learn? Time will tell. Keep the expectations very low or zero. He's still trying to figure things out for himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh, well Job, I pretty much new he was not really lying to me just not telling me something. He obviously feels guilty still and doesn't ant to get in "trouble". There is no reason to hid it but that's his personality.... He is making a huge effort to get along and wanting to do things around the house. He wanted to fix my door knob and said he'd do it when he dropped off the kids. I sent him a text saying he didn't need to do it. He replied back why?? I didn't respond. When he dropped off the kids he came in with his tools to fix it??? I don't know I am confused about his actions. I guess still wants to feel as if we need him or needs to take care of us?? I have also noticed he really shuts down arguments. Which is good! but also something new. Usually, he will get mad and fight will last a day or so. I should be happy I know, just confused by his changes. Any advise as to how I should proceed. Insist he doesn't do things, or embrace it? He still has his "love of his life" not that, that matters. I have been really trying to keep communication short and only about kids when necessary.
Thanks
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Continue as you have been. If you are comfortable w/him doing some jobs/chores around the home, especially those that need to be done, then go for it. However, if you don't feel comfortable w/him being there, then tell him you would prefer he not do them.
They do have a way of "skirting the truth w/o actually lying. It's sad because it's far better to tell the truth because none of us can keep the lies straight if there are too many to deal with.
Do what you think is best for YOU.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I would love for him to do my whole list. This is a man who would do anything for everyone who asked and not for me or at home. So, this is a little strange. I have no problem being around him and enjoy it. I know not to expect anything to come of it. I am just wonder if it makes it easier on him? Or he is thinking differently about our sitch? Or probably just being nice still feeling guilty?
Yes, he will never, I am afraid, ever stop the lying to avoid confrontation or getting caught. That is just him He will always say when I say why lie about it? He says I didn't want you to get mad. This was learned from childhood!!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
As far as me? I would be happy for him to complete whole list!! At least after all these years get something out of him and to take time away from GF who already gets only a couple of days a month. He has said she gets mad oh darn. Yes, a little revenge there!! Seriously, I need the work done. Why not let him...
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Well, its been a while since I've been here. Not much as changed. Still trying to divorce but my husband's attorney is an idiot! But anyway. We still talk daily and he continues to do stuff around the house. No gf talk although I think she got tired of not seeing him and it's over. He has a permanent shift now and has kids on all his days off. No GF time. Anyway i have a question. I and or the kids have asked H to do things with us and he always says I have to check I was going to work overtime or something. I said to him tonight, if you don't want to do something when we ask just let me and/or the kids know you don't have want to do something with me there. He said I'm just not ready to do that yet. I said I understand. Thanks. Just wondered what others thought about this. Thanks!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I do want to add when we separated 7 years ago for 8 mos. He would call when drinking and on sometimes we would ML a few times a month. He had a gf some of the time then too. But he wasn't in love with her like he says he is with this one. Maybe he's scared to get to close and have feelings?? He definitely makes an effort to not be around me and rarely will come in the house unless fixing something. I know he really wants a divorce and doesn't want to get back together. I did ask him one day if he had ever thought about not getting a divorce? He said no. I said well I guess because always done is fight? He said yes.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I think you've pretty much figured out why he doesn't want to do things w/you....he doesn't want to get close and actually feel something for you. They tend to make excuses when we ask them to do things w/us, not only do they not want to be around us all that much, but they also do not want to commit to anything. They like to "young and free". They never know what might come up and they don't want to feel like the bad person should they need to cancel. You mentioned to him about not wanting to do things w/you and you got your answer for now...he doesn't want to do things w/you at this point, so stop now you know not to ask him.
As for asking him about the divorce and if he's thought about not getting it...you may want to stop asking him. The questions you ask are not giving you the answers you are seeking. I'm going to suggest that you not bring up any more topics on your relationship and divorce w/him. The more you ask about he divorce, the more determined he's going to want it.
Try to keep the focus on you and your children. I know you have questions, but his answers are most likely going to be negative and not what you want to hear. I'm sorry, he's still in the deep part of his tunnel for now.
Thanks for the comment. Yes, I won't be asking anymore. And as far as asking about the divorce, we were talking about all the issues his attorney keeps creating. It just slipped out. I have not asked about the divorce or the OW in a long time. I just wanted to see if I was thinking correctly about H not wanting to get to close for fear of feelings. In the past he'd just say no. I don't want to be around you. The "not ready yet" shocked me as he would say that last split up a lot. When I would ask about something and he'd say I'm not ready yet. He said that in the beginning this time but quickly changed to no, never, no going to happen. I now longer expect anything anymore. Just was shocked by his statement. Thanks again.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi all. It's been a long time since I've been here. Not much has changed still getting a divorce, sort of its on hold.H's attorney is still doing all she can to milk money cause conflict. They cancelled the court date in October because she couldn't get our documents together. So we made it through Thanksgiving and Christmas. Christmas was bad we had a huge fight over nothing he was just angry and lashing out. Then I found out that his gf was supposed to come up here and see him over Christmas because he did not have the kids, I did. And I guess he told her not to, he wanted to spend time with his family. But boy was he angry at me. I have noticed that when he has conflict or fights with her he takes it out on me. Of course he does! I've always been as whipping post lol. So since December I have decided to do all I can to be super sweet and super nice. Then Friday I said something he didn't like and game on he lashed out at me and we got in a fight. Later on that day, I sucked it up and called him and apologised and said I was wrong. Even though it wasn't all at fault. He did tell me that these broke up with her because she's long distance he works too much and the rest of the time he spends with our kids. He's rather be with our kids he said. They made it one year. Anyway he sent me a text saying we can never get along you just can't do it. You only made it three weeks and we started fighting. He hates me and leave him alone. I guess I should be happy that he was counting the weeks that we got along. I was just shocked that he even noticed. He still determined to get a divorce he said he called his attorney last week I'm just trying to get another court date. Its fine. Maybe he's always been an angry person and I just never noticed I don't now. Maybe he's angry at me because they broke up or he just really hates me!! We don't talk about anthing except the kids anymore, he doesn't ask me to help him with any of his job hunting. He is determined to be independent. Thank you for listening.
excuse my typing mistakes if there any I'm doing this on my phone.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
He's angry, not at you, but at the entire world and yes, the biggest one...himself. Just leave him alone. If he wants to see the kids, fine...but you don't have to participate in the visits. It's time to step back and allow him alone time w/the kids and you do something for you. It's time he begin to realize that w/a divorce things change. It's time for you to keep that focus on you.
He's not ever going to miss you if you are always there for him. Let him go. He needs to grow up and learn to appreciate what he had and lost.
You are far too much living to do to be playing "mom" to this man child. Your world has been rocked, but it's been rocking for some time w/his back and forth relationship. You need to your balance and begin living your life for you.
Keep the focus on you and allow your h to twirl in the wind by himself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. Yes, I've just had no communication with him for over a week. That's probably the longest we've ever gone. I'm determined to just stay away and not talk to him . Well today he called and I let it go to VM. Left a very nice mesh starting with good morning ending in have a great day. I waited a few hours and answered via text. It was about kids. Then late this afternoon he called again when he new I'd be off work. Again to VM said he forfogt to tell me some other stuff like bringing the truck over after getting a new tire and bring wood if needed. Ha. Funny how after NC again with the wanting to do things for me. I just texted back politely we are good and no thanks for the wood. I feel so empowered and good. Took a year but finally I'm okay without him. oh I'm sure now that I have decided finally let it go and be without him he won't be able to handle it. I will not give in this time he knows that I will start talking to him if he calls and is nice. Not this time.
Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 02/14/1503:29 AM.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Its been 11 days of pretty much no contact. At least for me. He will call or text very friendly and I will text back a few words. No hi how are you? back from me. He called me 2 times in a day last week I only texted a few words back. Today, I got the hi how are you? bla bla bla. I just texted back OK. I know that doesn't seem like much nc but in the year since separatation we have never gone more than 3 days we text/talk multiple times a day. Not always pleasant. It's taking all I have but I'm doing it and will continue. I can't go on the way we've been. He knows I'll always be here and also talk to him. No more!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Well its been forever since I've been here. Not a lot has changed and a lot has at the same time. We are not divorced. Stbx says it's my fault. We are using one attorney he hired. I have turned in all that is asked. She hasn't done anything since October. He keeps saying when I bring it up every once in awhile she said she'd contact me. He is still with the one you left me for and she is still long distance. However she comes up every other weekend to see him. And she says when my kids are there what really bothers me but I guess there's nothing I can do. We get along for a while and then something is said he doesn't like and the s*** hit. I rarely contact him anymore because he's always so angry. And when I don't contact him then he's nice to me. He now lives down the street closer. I asked my son if I could pick him up and he can help me move something and I bring him right back. He asked his dad and came back and said no its his weekend do it when I have it. So I called my stbx and ask him why I couldn't haven't for a few minutes and bring him right back since technically it was my weekend can I let him come over to go away with him for the weekend. He said I never told him that I told him to tell you we were busy and had to go to town. I've been asked if you could please bring me my check if you. She said fine and he brought my son. My son said to me mom he did tell me that. I asked my stbx he would say that and he said it's none of your damn business what I tell him we were busy. Nice daddy is the frozen cat under the bus. I did not know the girlfriend was here and I have learned that when he is really nasty to it's when she is here or she can hear him talking to me. Otherwise you try to be nice to me especially if I'm ignoring him. I've learned that he is a narcissist and I am codependent. I am solely trying to work at this and realize that my relationship really was never good I was always longing for more and wanting something that he could not or would not give to me. I feeling sad a lot especially now when I feel that is girlfriend is taking over my life with my kids. I realize I will always be there mom but it still hurts me to know that they like her even though they know what she did to us. I have tried to go on dates but I haven't found anyone special yet. I have to finally get over the fact that we will never be back together and even if we were to it would not be right for me.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I'm sorry to read that your divorce hasn't taken place.
So, you've turned in all of your paperwork to the one attorney and nothing has been done since October? Don't ask your h again about it...call the attorney yourself and find out what is going on. For all you know, he's told her not to do anything w/the paperwork. Besides, why would he push for a divorce when he's got everything just the way he wants it? He's got you right where he wants you. He does love control and manipulation and if you were to divorce, that control would go away.
As for calling him up on weekends...now that you know that the ow is there, I wouldn't do so again. I would also treat him as a "just a friend" when he calls being so nice, etc., when she's gone. It's time to step back from him and detach even more. Only have conversations w/him about your son.
Do yourself a favor...call the attorney today to inquire about the status of your divorce. It's unacceptable that she hasn't been in contact w/you since October.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I won't contact when ow is there. I had no idea she was there. She wasn't supposed to be there at all My stbx had her drive 3 hrs to do daughters nails. Crazy in my opinion! The go go the next day because they were going to a concert. Advice taken! Nice mics nice. I will call the attorney. I left it up to him because it was he who hired her and wanted/started the divorce. Yes, he thinks I won't and don't want the divorce. True but at this point I have no choice.I am sure hell be who shocked if I do it. Thanks again.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Sorry not sure what I was trying to say in part of the above I am curious so as to why you said I'm sorry that I am NOT divorced yet. I know I go back and forth about wanting to be with him. and you say that by not getting a divorce this is his way of controlling me? To keep me around? you feel that if I went ahead and proceeded to finalize divorce that takes his control away? and to make him feel different about it or seeing us in a different way? I'm just curious as to why you said that. Things are quite different than they were seven years ago when we went through this. I honestly feel he will never want to try and reconcile with me. He seems truly in love with his other woman even though it is long distance.Thank you.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
NAP, I'm not sorry that you are divorced, but I am sorry that he's been dragging his heels and keeping you strung along on the issue. I'm sorry that things haven't progressed further along so that you know where you stand in all of the mix. Limbo is not a good place to be for any length of time.
I'm still of the opinion that you need to contact the lawyer to see why there hasn't been any progress on the divorce. This doesn't necessarily mean you are in a hurry, but I would venture to say that your h hasn't been totally forthcoming about why it's at a standstill. It could mean he owes the lawyer money or he may have told her to table the case. It's worth a call just to find out what has happened. Whatever the case, do not rely on him to be truthful and to do things in your best interest.
If, and when you are divorced, you will move on w/your life and your h will no longer have any control over you, i.e., you will not be where he left you. He will not be able to control anything that deals w/your life, except where it concerns your children. You will be free to date and if the right person comes along, possibly remarry. Right now, by staying married, it may be in his favor in several ways: 1) he can use you as an excuse as to why the divorce is dragging on and on; 2) he can use the excuse of being married as a reason not to marry the ow; and 3) he may very well look at you as Plan B if things don't work out. BTW, he knows you well enough to know that you would take him back, so he's in no hurry to rock the boat of getting divorce even though he said it a while ago. Besides, it costs a lot of money, money he didn't realize that he would need to cough up to pay it.
MLCers do not like for us to move on, be happy and leave them in the wind.
However, knowledge is power and you need to know what is going on so that you can be prepared one way or the other.
Perfect info! Thank you and contacting lawyer now.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Stbx and I have been texting about the kids back and forth. He then replies back to me. Because I asked for him to answer something he skipped over. He took money from my check for tutoring and I had already paid directly like I arranged and he needs to take care of both! Kids when he has them not just one. Example, my D has to babysit this weekend and he wanted to go visit his sister and GF of course since she lives on same town. He told me I needed to keep daughter and take to babysitting job. He replied....
There's nothing that I can say to you that's going to make anything better. Why do you have keep beating a dead horse, I don't understand. The only thing would be for me to go back, that's it. Sorry for, "who I am". I don't know what else to say to you, maybe someday we will be cool with each other.
He doesn't answer anything to avoid all at all costs!
Anyway, message to attorney is done!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
To clarify. To go back he means to go back to me. He thinks that's all I want. Really? No!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
OMG that is such a MLC response. My xh still occasionally lapses into this mode. There is a vast area of civilized behaviour used by normal people that they skip across because they think it is the marriage or nothing. Ummm at this stage, no, thanks but No thanks.
Reasonable would be nice.
I sometimes think a tiny bit of them wishes they had never left, but they cannot go there and continue to stay upright. Not our problem though.
Bea, I agree that many of them wish that they had never left or done the things that they've done...but to admit that they were wrong isn't something that they can do. They have too much pride to ever be wrong until one day...they have nothing left to prove or they are on their death beds and want to actually revisit their lives before their last breath.
Like you said...not our problem.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
NAP - Just read your sitch. Wow, what a rollercoaster you have been on with him. You have gotten some great advise. The reading about co-dependency is great because it seems there are some patterns with the choice of men which you allow to get close to you. What need is stxH meeting in your life now? It seems like you have both become stuck (I can relate). It is OK to put your needs first.
H: 48 Me: 47 Married: 19 yrs T: 20 yrs 2 teen-Ds and S H-MLC (started 2012) and H-Unemployed (11/2014) D-Bomb: 2/2015 H left country but hasn't moved out: 7/2015 I filed: 7/2015
As nasty as he get he Always! Seems to apologize. I do to but he does mane an effort to do the. Or ignore the past argument and next conversation back like nothing happened.
"Well as always i have to apologize for every little thing! I'm SORRY!!!" He always says during or after an argument all he wants to do is get along! Really? I just want him to go away. It seems very important to get along and friendly on his terms. Basis silly shut your mouth talk about nothing and well be fine. Nothing includes everything from Kids to the weather.
I am actually glad he is finally spending more time with the GF. It's been almost 2 years and it's time she sees the real him. All I can say is there's no man that I would drive 3 hours for to visit for one night or even tonight and he's not home he's out with his kids or he's working. While she makes dinner and cookies. Maybe that's why we're divorced lol or trying to anyway :-) Since going on 2 years now I always wondered why the people here that had been here longer, would say after all this time they didn't want to be with him. All you can think about in the beginning is getting back to them. I have spent a lot of time thinking back about our marriage and how mean he was to me. And when I see him what tension there is and how I feel. I honestly am so at peace being alone. Don't get me wrong, I miss him and a lot of things that we used to do together but he was so mean and selfish. I woke up about 1 o'clock in the morning in a sheer panic that I've never felt before. It wasn't as scared feeling like my heart was racing it was almost like I was a trapped animal. I was terrified that he was gone. almost the feeling like when he first left. I couldn't catch my breath I felt like I needed to run, it was the strangest feeling I was terrified. & I kept telling myself he left long time ago what's wrong with you. I actually had to take a xanax because I was so freaked out. Never been like that before. I don't know if it's because I called the attorney or what? Anyway thanks all for the advice.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Dejavu2. Thank you. Yes, codependency and alcoholism is a big problem for me. Codependency for me alcoholism for the men in my life. My father and now my second husband. My first husband didn't drink now looking back besides his cheating lol he was the best for me . however, he to last for another woman after 11 years. I am now learning a lot about codependency and why I stay. My parents were divorced wnen i was 9 I did not care if my dad left because he too was mean and drank. And now I have that with my stbx. I just don't like losing people in my life I moved a lot went to nine schools. It's an issue for me. And it's hard for me to get close to people and especially now when I know they can leave. But I'm working through that and a lot of people say I need to go out and date which I have but I seem to be very picky which I don't know is a bad thing. I think it's just my way of not falling for the wrong person I don't know? Or I'm still hanging on to my ex that could be the reason too? I will read up on you too Thank you!
Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 07/22/1504:41 PM.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
He definitely uses #2. It's all my fault we aren't divorced as and also his bad attorney, H says. 3. He prepaid a big retainer and has done nothing yet. She better not have used u o all $$. but nothing about her would shock me she is shady, shady, shady. I read reviews about her and they were horrible and told him at the time and he hired her anyway. That's his problem. However she has not gotten back to me which par for the course I guess. but then she could have called him and he probably didn't call her back. We'll see I'll give it a few days and try again.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Well the attorney responded by saying she was waiting on STBX to respond. He has decided no to agree to pay support through college, if they go. We had supposedly agreed om everything. Glad you could have told me that. instead of she supposed to be contacting you to finish up.it's just one lie after the other with this guy he even throws his own kids under the bus. He will say but he didn't say something to them and they say he did then he calls the kids liars. Unbelievable.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Well, well, well...looks like your h is the one dragging his feet on this matter. I had a feeling he was throwing a monkey wrench into the mix. They will promise you the moon and say anything and everything, but when it comes down to the bottom line, especially if there is money involved, they will do everything to ensure that they don't lose the money. I do not think he was ever planning to tell you about this. He was hoping that things could continue as they are and you would not find out. Let's be honest...he thought he had you fooled and you wouldn't call the attorney. He just knew you bought everything that passed over his lips. Boy, he's going to be very surprised when he discovers you made the call.
I'm very glad you spoke to the attorney, now you know that when his lips are moving...he's lying. I wouldn't believe anything that comes out of his mouth.
So, what is your next move? How do you plan to handle this new info? Are you going to play it cool and see just how much he lies when you ask him if he's heard from the attorney?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job. Yes, I figured he was dragging his feet. Because as soon as I sent in the documents needed it all stopped.He know I didn't want it and wanted to delay it and when I agreed he stopped! To say he won't agree on that is silly since he already said he would and partly his attorney is telling him not to pay support if going to school for some reason. They can put a cap for years ( whick we did) and if they are away it will go to them anyway.... He knows I contacted her as she cc'd him. I'll just see if he says anything to me..
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Maybe I should just say take until college out and be done! Then see what he does? He pays me alimony and child support. He have me the house when he left before 10 years ago so nothing else left. I don't think he's stalling because he doesn't want a divorce. He's a good dad and takes care of his kids very well so that is a really stupid excuse to stall divorce.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
The attorney sent an email that said my stbx has made an appointment to update info? Whatever that means!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
It will be interesting to see what he has to say after his appointment w/the lawyer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well stbx sent me a copy of an email to his attorney who he had not heard from since January. I looked at the date July 1st. Prior to that we've been getting along pretty well and around the 29th we got in a pretty good argument. So right after that he sent an email to his attorney to find out about the divorce. She is trying to say that I'm asking for is not OK with the law? Whateve that means, I'm asking for child support till the kids are out of college and my alimony. he then said he hasn't heard from her since then. She told me he has an appointment this week he didn't answer when I asked about that. He gave me the house over 10 years ago when he left before. She keeps telling him the house is going up in value and he needs to get half of it. She is one sleazy lawyer. He keeps telling her he doesn't want it he just wants a divorce. my point being when we're getting along he does not pursue the divorce when we get in a big fight that's when he contacts her.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
NAP, Yes, that's generally the way MLC works. When they aren't happy and are questioned about something they did or are doing, they push for the divorce. When they are left alone to do whatever and not be questioned, then the word "divorce" is not mentioned.
If he's paying the lawyer, then she should be doing what he's requested...getting a divorce. Yes, she's doing her job by advising him of what he can do or get, but if he opts not to pursue those things, then she should be doing what he's asked her to do. Yes, she's a sleazy one who knows a MLCer when she sees one and that means "money" to her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, I guess. We have had it all done prior to going to her. We didid it all online and he took it to her when he got mad a year ago when I didn't want to finish. from day one it has been nothing that he asked for. Yes I guess she can see he will do anything or say anything to get a divorce and she just keeps playing the game. yes I can tell he only ever brings up the divorce when he is pushed or mad at me. Why is that I wonder they really don't want a divorce? He seemed so adamant about it and being with ow. even when we go weeks with getting along there is no inkling that he ever wants to be together again. last time this happened I could always tell the door was partly open. He would say to me I'm not ready for this or I'm not ready for that. Even though he said he didn't want to get back together ever. I'm just curious. and its funny how he always says he wants to get along and be friends. Although his friends means just having a conversation about the kids. not much else. He will talk about himself, like his job or whatever, if I ask but never about me. actually that's not true. when getting along he will ask the kids if I have a boyfriend. I guess in his mind if I have a boyfriend I am happier and get along with him? I don't know. The funny thing is the kids always tell him yes I have a boyfriend lol
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
This is my personal opinion from where I'm sitting:
1) not getting a divorce means he has an excuse to not marry the ow if she puts pressure on him to wed; 2) not getting a divorce means that he's not sure what he wants and you are right where he left you just in case he needs a Plan B; 3) He figures that if you are still there, then somewhere deep inside of him knows that the connection isn't broken and he can still rely on you to listen, validate and be there as a friend; and 4) He knows that if you divorce, there is a very good chance that you will meet someone new and just maybe remarry. BTW, they do have this quirky little thought process that even though they do not want to be w/you right now, they still don't want anyone else to have you either.
They are very selfish individuals and do not want to see us happy even though they say they do. As for friendship...it is usually one sided...their side.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Pretty much nailed him. Scary how they all seem to be wired in the brain the same. I'm guessing that if I start acting nice again do what he wants he'll just drop this thing again. But I want it over.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I'm sure that if you were nice and didn't mention it to him, it would be swept under the rug again. If you are absolutely sure that you want it over and done w/then maybe it's time to move forward w/the divorce. Of course, you will have history w/him from the past, but also he's going around in the present and future because of sharing children.
Whatever you decide to do, we will support you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job. And I agree to all of the above.I think because of out last history with this does make it more complicated. Although it is seemingly different than before, it seems more permanent this time. Although he does seem to want to have some sort of relationship with me. Not physical or even emotional just a friendship type in his own way. And yes it is always one sided. He texted me today after not hearing from him for a few days and I can tell he wants to get along and be friendly. That's always what happens after we have an argument or disagreement. So we agreed to try to get along again... It's a vicious cycle and nothing ever comes of it. So I've decided to just disconnect from him as much as I can not answer his text and he can go through the kids to plan things. I can't wait around any longer to see what happens. I'm going to keep working and taking care of my kids and living my life without him. Then if something happens someday I'll take it from there. I will wait to contact his attorney next week and see if he really met with her. He doesn't not expect me to do anything to move the divorce forward. He thinks that I don't want to divorce and I won't do it myself. He's in for a shock!
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Well guess who's back being nice and texting. About kids and thing like weather but Mr Friendly. My vicious cycle! I'm keeping it short and ignoring non kids talk.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
He's so predictable! I think you've got the right idea about keeping things short and ignoring non kids talk. BTW, he'll figure out what you are doing and every communication will be about the kids.
You earned your wings and halo a long time ago!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That he is! Thanks Job! by the way my girlfriend and I went to a tarot card reader for the first time. she's going through the same thing I am but she's 3 years and I'm 20 years. Our ex's were good friends and I swear clones of each other lol her gal told her that she will find a new man and not want to get back with her ex. Mine told me that my ex's OW has a hold on him but he would come back. He doesn't love her..Ha ha. it was a little freaky I've never been to one and I said very few words and there were several things that she was right on about. I never said he had a girlfriend and she asked me if she was Hispanic? What she is and she said she has wanted him since they were very young. true they were boyfriend and girlfriend in 5th grade :-). she told me I had 3 kids I told her 3 times I had to she said no you have 3. I was pregnant with triplets and lost one so she was right and I forgot. Kind of crazy. anyway back to reality lol
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Nor Cal. She was at the State Fair but has several locations in Central and northern. do you believe in them? I have never been. Reader told me I needed to do prayers and use crystals to break the negative energy ow has cast on us. I don't know about all that?
Last edited by NotAgainPlease; 07/30/1512:33 AM.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I forgot to say though the reader that my girlfriend was with ex again and only used other woman for sex, X responded to a text that she sent to him saying are you sure you want this divorce? They had just gone to their hundredth meeting. and he said I don't know how we can not if we did it would have to be at my own pace. so I don't know who's was correct lol I thought about going to another one to see what they say?
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
NAP, You might want to think about starting a new thread. This one is going to lock very soon.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I guess I've grown too!! 