ok... he just called (work related). After a few moments I enquired about his mom's injury & got more details of the fall, the dislocation & how long they were at the hospital. I told him that I had left a message for his mom on her vm. and to let me know how I can help (as he feels she will be taking up a lot of his time, not being able to function fully). She has a specialist appt today & will be requiring surgery.
GM... when you say to not take it personally (I DID).... but don't understand how not to take it that way. How do you mean its not about me? (I know its not) ... trying to understand how you mean.
Personal vs. Business..... how does keeping it "business" sound & look? If he was my business partner only... I would ask "at work" how his mom was and leave it at that... but, how can I really do that (she was my MIL for 20 years... I care). Am I not expected to bring over a meal or something?
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I am hurt/confused!!! why wouldn't he keep me informed? .... Why wouldn't he keep me in the loop? Can anyone explain why he wouldn't want to tell me?
never in your description did you mention that you txtd him to say sorry that his mother was hurt, or that you hope she's well, it was only about keeping YOU posted.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
yes, but you didnt say that to HIM. Thats what i pointed out. YOU wanted him to provide YOU with information. but you never acknowledged HER. She's the one who got hurt. She's in the hospital. but YOU want information. and YOU got your feelings hurt when he didnt do what YOU wanted.
"In a ham and eggs breakfast, the hen is involved, but the pig is committed".
Hi MM, I understand that you are surprised by his not keeping you informed as the last 20 years you would have been a big part of all this. You're NOT anymore. That is part of what comes with no longer being together. If you still want to have a relationship with exMIL (I still have one with mine) that's great. But it's not through him now. You can keep in touch with her all on your own. These are the changes that come with the new reality. You didn't choose to end things, he made that choice for you. It's going to be up to you now to keep in touch with any of the people from your old life that you still want in your new. I take it she is your D's grandmother? Then you will be seeing her and a part of her life BF still there or not.
This is just the start of the changes you are going to find come with this new life. Try and think about the other people and how they feel as well. I'm sure your BF's mom is upset that you aren't together anymore. D and break up's affect everyone in our lives. My W's family is very upset about what my W is doing. They hurt as well.
These are the things that the MLCers in our lives are going to need to deal with all on their own. They will see just how much it [censored] when you don't have that other person in their lives that was always there for them in the past. Part of both their journey AND ours!
Matt is correct. ...Due to the fact of 20 years I did not know how to respond it react in this case. My dd feels that he was playing a game. Not that I am not concerned about her. If course I am. This is the age of instant texting. Waiting in the hospital for hours, I am certain there was a moment to update me. I think he was pissed yet again that he was being responsible while I was out having fun. Not replying to me was likely punishment (same behaviour he always has). This is yet another occurance that I had fun and he did not. While speaking with him today he indicated that his mom will require more of his attention and he will require me to sell more product. If I had applied my old behaviour, I would have been pissy and asked why he didn't text me last night. His bs reply would have been that he didn't want to disturb my concert. (Have heard this before, it means he's pusses I'm having fun). He does not take the time to have fun, feels an imbalance of partnership. Gets angry that he doesn't have a life. Then I feel guilty and try to compensate/fix/pretzel and accommodate.
Matt is correct, I was searching what my position is now when it comes to family. Yes. I can have my own r with his mom on our terms. We are just starting to work on that. My confusion was him and his expectation vs mine. I did not fully respond the way he wanted with 100 questions. So when he called today, we discussed work and then I enquired. Then got the whole story.
Just now he seems a little more interested on behaving in a personal way by texting and calling from the hospital (appt with specialist) and asking if I could maybe pick her up while he pick up another vehicle for client at 5 pm.
Please show me where/how to be business mm vs personal here. Thanks!!!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Yes, its mind reading because I know his past/current same behaviours... not revolving around me. I can see why you state that, but he is selfish & is not all into his "mom's condition" like you see. Yes, he cares & is concerned but there is another element to this & my daughter pointed it out to me. So posted it here for you all to comment & for me to figure it out once written down.
Please understand that I am just trying to understand. I am just writing down my expectations vs. his.... and playing out the outcome on paper.
I was and am genuinely concerned about his mom... and will direct my concerns to her.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Going back to an earlier post here, but these statements seem to continue showing up after you dropped the rope.
Quote:
I have a concert again tonight... not sure how to approach it, again as I will need to leave at 5. GRR
Why be concerned about it? Why make it a big dramatic deal? You've had several people draw a picture of what that would look like, so why why are you saying you're not sure?
The next news was about the OMG statement from xbf over a pretty girl, where you admit it bothers you. And again, you analyze and wonder how to handle it.
Quote:
NOW, they bug me & not sure why he does it (not thinking??) & how I should handle it.
Magic, do you really read what people give you?
I have to wonder if the pretty girl incident (b/c it bugged you how he acted)was the foundation for being hurt that he didn't keep you more in the loop about his mother.
Quote:
I am hurt/confused!!! why wouldn't he keep me informed? but not sure how to respond/react towards him today. Why wouldn't he keep me in the loop? Can anyone explain why he wouldn't want to tell me?
Do you really have to ask why? My question to you is why should he? You want to break off the emotional & personal ties with him, and yet you are hurt and confused he wasn't giving you "more" information than the update he had already given. And he did give you an update!
You are not his W and this was not your MIL. He didn't have to tell you anything. When R's cease to exist it changes the entire dynamics within the family structure. Whether it's a death or divorce, nothing will ever be quite the same again.
I am not saying you can no longer love his mother or show concern for her health issues. But don't depend upon him as a life-line to her. Don't go through him to reach out to her, if you really love her that much. Don't use either one, and don't try to make brownie points with either of them.
Do not allow yourself to fall right back into your old thought patterns about him. If you will be honest, you know you used this unfortunate occasion as your excuse to contact.....and keep contacting him. His mother was the bait you put on your hook. He didn't bite the second time....and now you are in a tizzy. (But I'm glad you didn't cancel the concert to sit by his side. )
Take it from a gal that has spent many, many hours in hospitals waiting.....sometimes there's simply nothing to update! Maybe he told you as much as he knew. Maybe he had his hands full. Maybe he's a jerk, IDK. But he didn't owe you anything b/c you are no more than a business partner, remember. Those are cold, hard facts that you would like to be able to dish out to him...but you can't handle the same in return.
You have already had two things to happen that could test your resolve to not pick that rope up again. One was with your D's accident. BTW, I thought you handled that pretty well. I was really hoping you wouldn't use it as a crutch. You seemed to have gotten through that experience without making it (or his actions)into more than it was.
Now, the second thing has happened in a few days. The first was your family member, the second was his family member. Get through this with the same inner strength, grace and poise you would see the Queen of England showing. Afterwards, you should be able to deal better with the smaller situations b/c you passed through the tougher ones. Right?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
This is sure a test on me. I am being honest in my feelings.
I guess as a person who is letting him go. I cannot concern myself of how things make him feel (angry). I did what I felt was my duty. He didn't accept or want to indulge. I am sure that I will do lots of things that will piss him off now and I guess I can't care about that.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Magic, The dynamics are changing in your situation and let's face it...you don't like it. Your XSO had more than enough on his mind at the time w/his mother. I don't know how old she is, but I'm going to guess in her 70's. Bones are fragile and it does take a lot of time for admittance, seeing a doctor, waiting on x-rays and seeing the doctor once again. The call he made to your D about crutches was done w/o thinking.
I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS MAN WAS PLAYING A GAME WITH YOU! Why? Because this time he had more than enough on his plate w/his mother and what she had done to her ankle. There are times to play games and this wasn't one of them.
As for the woman he was gazing at earlier...well, that's another story and a lot of men and women, both, admire the opposite sex at times when they are walking down the street. It's nothing to get your panties in a wad and don't deny it...it bugged the heck out of you.
As Matt pointed out, your situation has changed quite a bit in the last year. You are no longer living under the same roof w/your XSO or his mother and now whatever interaction you have w/her should be between the two of you and leave him out of the mix. If you had a good relationship w/her before all of the drama began, then I think it would be a very nice gesture to go visit her in the hospital and take her some magazines, a nice book or even a nice vase of flowers... but do not talk about your relationship w/her son. This interaction should be about the two of you, but mostly importantly, how she's going to get along once she's home, etc. Maybe you could offer to sit w/her or help her out a bit. Of course, it's your choice as to what you would like to do for her...but the clock is ticking and can always call her at the hospital if she's still there or you can sit there and stew about how hurt your feelings are...the choice is yours. I say put on your big girl panties and check on her yourself. Do not rely on him to tell you anything about her situation.
As for this paragraph: "I cannot concern myself of how things make him feel (angry). I did what I felt was my duty. He didn't accept or want to indulge. I am sure that I will do lots of things that will piss him off now and I guess I can't care about that." Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your posting sounded like a selfish spoiled little girl who didn't get the attention that you needed form your XSO while he was dealing w/a crisis w/his mother. You are angry and stomping your feet because he didn't jump through hoops to call you periodically w/an update. Guess what? There may not have any updates until late in the evening. Why call you and tell you that? I have to agree w/Gabby, the world doesn't revolve around you.
Also, now that the crisis is under control, he's been providing you w/more info about his mother. Why? Because things have calmed down. It's not a game when it comes to someone being taken to the hospital and people do have more on their minds when they are there comforting their loved ones.
Whatever you do, think about this...you can call or visit your XSO's mother to inquire as to how she is doing or offer to do something for her or you can sit there and sing the song of "me, me, me". It's your choice.
)
