KGirl - post-move

[KGirl]

Feeling really defeated today. Like, crying in the grocery store parking lot kind of defeated. I submitted two pre-approval applications online for car loans so I could see what I would qualify for, and one just outright said they couldn't process my application, and the other said I'd have to call and provide more information (which I can't do now until Monday). I'm hoping it's just something innocuous like clarifying my address, because I have excellent credit so I don't know what the issue would be.... unless my debt to income ratio is too high because my name is on a mortgage AND an apartment =| It's like H's wish for me to not take out a loan has been broadcast to the universe and set up a bunch of barriers. It makes me question whether or not I want to hope things will change. I still want answers to things that don't have answers, like: How can someone not even be able to decide to try or not try to work on our M? It's not as if he has to commit to sticking with me forever.. just trying to see what happens. How could someone you counted on for things (like basic transportation) just say adios and then get angry when you have to take steps to arrange those things for yourself since they've chosen to take themselves out of the equation? I don't know. Staying married to H seems to be causing me more trouble lately than it is worth.

[KGirl]

Earlier I had posted about H being out of town and how that was stressful because I didn't know what he was doing. I thought he might be visiting his sister and her kids, but now I've found he's actually in Chicago for the weekend. Again. He was in Chicago with his same friend less than a month ago for a weekend. And inbetween those trips, he went to the city where this same friend lives for the weekend. All of these places are a 2-3 hour drive from our city so they also involve travel time. This really got me upset this morning, and there's a lot of reasons why (and here's where I probably need some 2x4's about how unreasonable or assumptive I'm being, or something...
-the cat. It makes me sad that he had to have the cat but he's gone all of the time. She gets lonely when we're gone and if she was with me, I'm here more and she would definitely be taken care of.
-he said he needed this time to think things through and figure himself out. I don't really see how he has time to do that when he's off vacationing all of the time. Seems like he's running away/avoiding things instead of confronting them.
-labug, I was thinking about something you said awhile ago about maybe this is the "real" H (leaving the house and yard in poor shape, etc.) If this is the "real" H and who he really wants to be... I don't think that's what I want in my life. I had also posted awhile ago about balance between "us" time, individual time, and time with others, and this is becoming wayy too unbalanced on the time with others side for me, if we started talking about a future together but he kept these activities up at the same level. In the past when he started to do more things (playing soccer 2-3x a week instead of 1, happy hour after work every week), he'd still spend the same amount of time on his individual activites, so the time that would be cut would be "us" time and "obligation" time (chores, dishes, yardwork, stuff like that.) If the "real" H's balance of activities is like it is now, I can't do that. And I'm only seeing SOME of the trips/whatever he's doing, not everything.

I feel like I'm being overly codependent about this and trying to control the situation, but I'm struggling with how to rethink it. I just have trouble believing that he's thinking things through and being introspective, but rather just out having fun because he doesn't have me there telling him he needs to balance all these friend-activities with other things that need to get done.

[Maybell]

You're only six weeks or so into the separation, right?

Still getting used to the new reality, exploring what it's like to be on your own again?

Give it some time. Use this break to think about yourself, and getting your own needs met. Since he's not indicating he's thinking, or that he could want to get back together, you don't have to worry at this time about who he really is. You can wait to see which guy shows up if your contact with him improves.

And yes, I realize this is advice I've been getting and not doing a great job of following. Sometimes I feel like Alice in Wonderland.

[KGirl]

Thanks - yes, we've only been physically separated for about 6 weeks. Since BD was back in December I still expect to feel farther along, like 7 months along, but I need to keep in mind that the clock on grieving/moving on/etc. reset itself when I moved. It is often easier to give our own advice than follow it

[Georgiabelle]

K Girl,

Have you thought of asking h if the cat could stay with you for a couple of weeks? I just wonder if you do that (proposing it as a visit) that your h may agree and it may make you feel a bit better as well. Couldn't hurt. You could say" h, I was wondering if you would allow Kitty to visit for a couple of weeks." Your h (since he's gone a good bit may actually agree-especially at this point.

In regards to whether or not he's thinking, only he can truly answer that. I will say that some people simply are unable to reflect or dig deep on themselves. Can I ask you a question? Does your h have a difficult time being alone? If he does , then sadly he probably is avoiding looking at himself because it's too much for him. That's just mind reading though as I don't know if your h is that way.

Hang in there ! You really are doing great:-)

[labug]

Why do you want to rethink it? I'm not sure I understand what you mean?

[KGirl]

labug - maybe that wasn't the best choice of words. "Reframe" might be better. I feel angry because H isn't doing what I think he *should* be doing with this time apart, and there's probably a different way of thinking about it from his perspective that would be more understanding/less judgmental.

GB - re: the cat, H actually asked me before I moved if I would take her for two weeks while he was "out of town," and I said no, partly because I didn't want to be his cat sitter, and partly because my apartment's policy is that if you have a cat you have to fill out a lease addendum and pay an extra $25 a month. I suppose I could sneak her in here "illegally" but I don't really want to get in trouble (and don't want to pay all that just to have a cat part-time!) I met a cute little long haired black cat yesterday at the humane society that I'm thinking about getting. Re: H being alone... hmm. There are a number of activities that he can spend a lot of time on that are solo activities but they keep his mind occupied, things like fantasy sports stuff (drafts to managing league websites to trades to research on players), video games, watching TV. He tends to need to have something to "do" or something in the background - he would always turn the TV on when we sat down to eat, for example. During TV commercials he'd need to do stuff on his phone. He's not much for reading or quiet activities. So, hard for me to say how he feels about being alone.

I called the bank back about the loan they said they needed more info for. They asked a bunch of questions along the lines of "So you're paying rent, but you have a mortgage, too? And you don't live in the house? But your husband lives in the house? So you live separately? Is your name staying on the house?" UGH. It didn't feel good to explain that we were separated physically but not legally to this random loan lady on the phone. Then she said "I'll submit it and we'll see what happens. Your debt to income ratio is pretty high" because they take into account the mortgage AND my rent AND my student loans, despite the fact I'm not actually paying the mortgage, it's still in my name though. GRRR. I had an angry crying hour or so where I wished H would just divorce me and fall off the face of the earth, or at least take some sort of action one way or another because "limbo" is now screwing with my finances. Thank goodness she got back to me and I was APPROVED, as an individual, no signature from H needed, at the lowest interest rate they offer. Now to see if I can get the car I want for the price I want!

[labug]

Life gets easier when we let go of trying to control others. I found I had a lot more free time to focus on me when I could say "Hmmm, not my problem" and really mean it.

labug - maybe that wasn't the best choice of words. "Reframe" might be better. I feel angry because H isn't doing what I think he *should* be doing with this time apart, and there's probably a different way of thinking about it from his perspective that would be more understanding/less judgmental.

Can you reframe it now?

[KGirl]

Maybe not yet. I think I need some time. I'm really angry and frustrated with H right now so it's hard to reframe anything he's doing as anything positive or even neutral. I received a letter in the mail about why the one bank wouldn't approve a car loan for me: my "obligations are in excess compared to income," thanks to the fact that my name is still on our house so it is still considered my debt, even though I'm not paying anything for it, plus my name is on my apartment. I did get approved for a loan from a different bank but it expires on August 23. I'm worried about them reapproving me or getting other financing if it would have been a better deal (like from the car dealer). Then I thought "well at least I could get a cat..." but actually getting a cat will increase my monthly rent, which could further hurt my ability to get a car loan in the future. So I'm angry that H's indecision about how to proceed is affecting some of the financial things I would like to be able to do. I feel like I'm getting the cr*p end of everything, while he gets to sit in the house we picked out, with the cat, and a nice car. If I knew it would be worth it to hold out on dividing things officially and whatnot (via filing for D) because we'd get back together... I could hold out... but I have no way of knowing. He also neglected to transfer another bill he was supposed to pay from his own checking account. I texted him to ask what was going on with that, and instead of apologizing, or telling me he'd get right on it, he sent a story about how his computer has been broken for the past two weeks so he hasn't been able to make the changes. I call BS. He works at a desk job, on any given day in the past two months he could have gone online and switched account numbers. Just excuses. I'm kind of fed up with him right now.

I know people have much worse stories on here of spouses who ring up tons of credit card debt, just don't pay bills at all, etc. I'm very responsible with my money and bills and I'm becoming uncomfortable with relying on him to pay things that are in my name, not to mention the fact that the debts/housing payments are preventing me from obtaining other credit. It's very tempting to ask him what's going on and if he is headed in any particular direction yet. It's hard for me to imagine him actually taking any action either way. I honestly think this will go on until I'm tired of it and will file myself, because even though he's 99% sure he wants a D, I don't know that he'll ever be able to pull the trigger. I just want to live my life how I want to live it and I feel held back right now.

[KGirl]

Today I'm visiting my MIL, FIL, SIL, and neices/nephew for the first time since BD. SIL had a pampered chef party awhile ago and I ordered some stuff online that I need to pick up, and the kids have been asking about me, so I figured it was time. I know I have to tread carefully - on the one hand, it's an opportunity for positive things to get back to H. On the other hand, it's also an opportunity for negative things to get back to H...so I need to be careful about complaining, spilling too much, etc. I know his MIL knows about his work "crush" because she told me H had told her about this girl he had been sharing things with, became close to, etc., but I don't know that his sister knows anything about that. I'm also not 100% sure if they support us getting back together or not. Sis periodically talks about how she hopes things turn out... but early in our R I don't know that his family really liked me and had made some negative comments about me (they thought I was "stuck up" because I wouldn't gossip about the other family members after holiday outings, things like that. They can be pretty judgy and I try not to get into that if possible). So, wish me luck!

I'm also wondering if people have thoughts about staying completely dark vs. experimenting with light comments/thoughts and when it's time to switch tactics. I'd been as dark as possible for awhile now, only sending messages about bills/money/logistics. Yesterday though I thought of H when I learned about a flower that's in our yard and how it's a big bee attractant... we had this running joke about bees from when he killed one early on and I sent him a brief text about the flower and how he should watch out for bees. He then sent me a three message long text about how does see lots of bees, and hummingbirds, and how this woodpecker is interested in one of the trees but he hopes it goes away. So it seems like he wants to talk. And you don't get anywhere unless you start somewhere. It'd be nice to show him how things COULD be. But on the other hand, maybe he's just being "friends" and I'm concerned I'll start getting expectations if we talk more, and that maybe I need to put my foot down and have NO friendly contact until something has actually changed. Thoughts?? Maybe the compromise is don't initiate, but talk a little if he intiaties (and end first, of course)?