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#2461005 06/17/14 01:35 PM
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Time for a new thread, last one here:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2453401&page=11

GB, your last post on my prev. thread was worrying about things I don't have control over. Yes... I know... ugh... I think I'm getting better at it but it still creeps in. I couldn't sleep last night wondering what H was going to do while at his work conference this week, if he'd go out and get drunk and make poor choices.

I ended up texting H over what I think was necessary for logistics. Several tornadoes touched down in our area last night, and he's out of town, so I'm concerned about the house and how it's holding up. He has someone coming to feed the cat but no idea how often or if they'll check out the rest of the house. So, I reached out to him.

Me: Don't know if you're getting weather alerts.. may want to ask the person to feed the cat to check for any big storm damage like broken windows smirk

Me: I may try to drive by the house today. Seeing too many pictures from our side of town w/ roofs ripped off, trees down.

H: OK, thanks for checking. I'd hope the neighbors would call me if that was the case, but it doesn't hurt for you to check too.

Me: OK, didn't know there was someone keeping an eye out. /did you ask whoever to check the basement if there is heavy rain? [ our basement regularly floods in heavy rain]

H: Well, I mentioned to the neighbors I'd be gone. I did not ask anyone to check the basement so if you wanted to do that that'd be helpful since I wasn't anticipating heavy rain nor would I want to show them how to clean up the basement if it did have water.

H: My mom just called now too. If you can go check the house/basement to see how everythign's looking and let me know, that'd be greatly appreciated.

Me: I can do it after work, not before. Hopefully if there was something big that was urgent, a neighbor would let you know 'cause it'd be obvious.

H: Yes, I think they would. And checking after work is fine obviously since it is better to check today than 3 days from now.



Since I'm still co-owner of this house, I didn't think it was over reaching to check on its well-being... but maybe I did too much? I wasn't going to drop work and everything to go check it out. Anything I should have done differently? Is it bad that I'm annoyed that he didn't seem to take me seriously until his MOM called??


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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How about: We've had some bad storms here, wanted you to know I'm going to check the house. I'll let you know if there's any damage.

No conversation involved. Just you checking on your asset.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
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Thank you. I needed an outside perspective. I'm feeling on edge (and obviously not detached enough) cause H sent me a text with a pic of some chairs and said "thought you'd like the color of these." So he's thinking of me...but I don't really want that, if that makes any sense. I don't want it unless it means something. Even though this has been going on for 6 months, the physical separation has only been a week so I'm a complete newbie on how to handle that.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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Posts: 667
labug - question for you. I seem to remember that you had responded to someone else about them not wanting to hear what their H was doing or was up to because it would hurt them (maybe bluesgal or 3boyzmom?), and I found your response helpful and told myself "I need to remember that for when I'm really down about that!" and now I can't find it anywhere. Does that sound familiar? Can you re-share your wisdom? smile


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
I don't remember specifically but it was probably something like, if you can't hear what they have to say without it having meaning for you, sending you off on a"what does this really mean" tangent, then don't hear it. Keep yourself out of that situation.

Yes, he was thinking of you in some way when he texted about the chairs but you don't know what the context was, what his intent was.

Don't bite the hook.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
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I did some digging since I had unexpected free time on my hands and found the post, will put here so I can find it again!

"If you are OK right now in this moment, you can be OK in the next, you can be OK tomorrow, you can be OK next week, etc. It's there inside you. It's usually our thoughts and interpretation of those thoughts that bring on the not-OK.

Your H is doing those things that cause you distress whether you know about them or not. But you're able to OK when you don't know about it. Your life is good. So it's not what he's doing that causes the distress, it's you knowing about it and the stories in your mind about his activities. You can change how you think.

Your OK-ness doesn't have to be tied to him, shouldn't be tied to him."


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
K
KGirl Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 667
It has been a rough few days. The weather has been very dangerous here in Wisconsin. None of our IT systems have worked at work the past few days, which is kind of a problem when you have hundreds of college students coming from all over the country with their parents for orientation, and they get there and you have to tell them "sorry, we can't advise you on what classes to take, or enroll in any classes, because we can't access any of that information!" So I guess all that stress just came unloaded tonight when I went to get my hair cut and the hair stylist said "So [H] told me about your situation... I'm really sorry." I haven't cried in a while when talking to people about that, but I ended up crying in the middle of the haircut. I felt a little better that she said he sounded like a huge d*ck when he was explaining it and that it was good that I didn't have to interact with him smile She also said she'd still cut his hair and wasn't going to go all crazy and ban him from the salon. That would be interesting, though.

I set up an IC appointment for tomorrow due to feeling down... but I'm not sure what there is to talk about any more. I'm trying to work on changes for me but so many of them were about how I interacted with H, so they are hard to do when not interacting with him. H and I are still friends on facebook but I've un-followed him... I struggle with not clicking on his profile to see what he's up to. I just feel kinda stuck, like I don't know what to do next. The novelty and "nesting" for my new apartment is starting to wear off, and I don't feel like I have a plan for what's next. I'm guessing the advice would be to just live in the present and take it day-by-day but it feels like my life is without purpose if there isn't a goal in mind. I feel adrift right now.


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 2,799
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Hey Kgirl,

Sorry you're struggling. I think you just need time to establish some new routines. Once you start to get some consistent routines, you'll start to balance out.

Try not to worry about what WAH is doing, I know it's hard not to obsess. I'm sure this isn't a cake-walk for him either. He sent you a picture the other day, you were on his mind.

I think if you can stay dark, he might start to wonder about you. It hurts like hell, but it really is your best option IMO.

Hang in there.

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Glad you found it.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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Posts: 9,676
You can and should have goals, living in the now doesn't mean you don't have goals.

K, what is something you've always wanted to learn or do? What are your passions, things that make you feel alive?

Come up with 2 and find out how you can get involved in those things. Does your city offer lower cost classes/activities for adults through Parks & Rec?

And then there's meetup dot com

Put yourself out there, get to know people(M&F) who enjoy the same things you do.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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