mlc rut

[job]

pbetra,
Own only your portion of the demise of your marriage. Do not take on the entire problem. It takes two to make a marriage work and if he's not been there to work on the marriage, then he needs to own his portion. Mlcers always point the finger at others for things that go wrong. They never take responsibility for their portion and even if your marriage was perfect, he would say that you were at fault for it being perfect. Take what he says w/a grain of salt. Work on those areas that you know you may have been "slack" in.

I'm sorry that things aren't going well. Please continue to post. It's difficult and painful when you decide that it's time to separate, but maybe it's best since he's still stuck in the blame game and can't see the forest for the trees.

Please take care of yourself. Try to keep the focus on you.

[pbetra]

Thanks AS ALWAYS Job,
you are always 'spot on' re: me (& so many of your other posts). I

pbetra,
Own only your portion of the demise of your marriage. Do not take on the entire problem. It takes two to make a marriage work and if he's not been there to work on the marriage, then he needs to own his portion. Mlcers always point the finger at others for things that go wrong. They never take responsibility for their portion and even if your marriage was perfect, he would say that you were at fault for it being perfect. Take what he says w/a grain of salt. Work on those areas that you know you may have been "slack" in.

I have to pay attention here for sure. Fear has affected so much as certain issues should have been dealt with earlier. I do take ownership.

I'm sorry that things aren't going well. Please continue to post. It's difficult and painful when you decide that it's time to separate, but maybe it's best since he's still stuck in the blame game and can't see the forest for the trees.

Please take care of yourself. Try to keep the focus on you.

h has come to me several times since R talk this AM. my head is spinning. he 'took back some', said it was "a bit much he knows" I do think on some level he is concerned but he has 2 think of where he can go as well ($$).
I went for a brief walk as parent was napping (!?) & QUIETLY RETURNED. H found me! Again trying to explain - which I acknowledged. Told me I cud relax w/him in his room. Told him I needed to wind down, Im sure u understand" I wasn't angry, & he hasnt been since the R talk - however I just needed a break from the frequent "this is whys, & you dids"... & the intensity of it all.

Thanks again job,p

[job]

Hang in there. It's a rough road that both of you are traveling, but the only difference is you are dealing w/the fall out head on and not finding outside sources to make you happy.

Try to remember that there are many times when they are projecting on to you how they feel or what they did or didn't do. When he's spewing, just tell him you are sorry he feels that way and walk away. Do not engage into a heated discussion w/him, which further justifies why he wants to leave or divorce you.

Now is the time or you to take care of yourself and leave your h in God's hands. You can't fix what you didn't break.

Take care.

[pbetra]

he's nice
Since the above developments, yesterday h told me he "has always loved me." There was an interest in returning to master bedroom (!) vs spare room. Today he's very nice & paying for everything. Frequent touching, stroking as we pass by in common areas of home (been a while - these gestures). Compliments ... His actions have completely changed over since the R talk (which had 'brutal' components to it). So it's quite a contrast. Did I mention my head was spinning?

I do entertain the possibility that he may be 'sincere' (as only he/mlc-ers can), but it is temporary b/c so much for us is not yet resolved.

Maybe this was some sort of wake up call for him (I already got mine, mlc!) ... the possibilty that he cud lose everything home, family??

While this 'cud b' so, the vascillating between a possible wake up call & the need for mlc monster to give itself expression is not a ride I can take right now. Maybe he's just being clever and buying time? Who knows?

Didn't re-pot some plants as planned. I had many errands & was tired
Couldn't flesh out work but will try again later

(I need space. A clear head .. Life is ironic, he needed space, & now he won't give me any )

Hi Job, I read your responses over & over - it is a 'compass' of some sort, keeping me 'due N' & not off track (since the mlc behaviour/mlc is so erractic, hard to read ... just 'plain crazy').

I am thinking of:
ownership/ me
projection/ spewing
next steps /child

he's HERE !! 'submit'

[pbetra]

Today I am de-cluttering as much as I can (the 2 c's - computer & closet). I will have help today. I should go out but feel a little drained so will prioritorize to see if necessary. Want to re-pot some herbs, flowers - therapeutic 4 me.

h is 'supposed' to be trying to get place i think between the next month to beginning of summer (?) - hasn't said anything. I havent asked as I am not 'certain' of my thinking right now so will err on the 'safe' side & do those things that need to b done or are therapeutic.

[pbetra]

Hi there, finally have a bit more time to complete.

Well, time is passing by & Summer is fast approaching! As expected, this has been a roller coaster - some days better than others. I have felt out of sorts on occasion. Since that turning point for me, h has 'switched' - but that's mlc for ya, we r 'fine', then there's a switch & 'ta da,' it's mlc, & now he switched (?) again. This is very confusing for me.

H:
He stopped going out, hangng out with the boys
would account for his time out (even though I never ask!)
started contributing some financially
found biz opportunity and immersed himself in it BIG time. fills me in on developments re this (even though I never ask)
calls out when he leaving home
tried to be intimate (many times)

me:
Sadly, I didn't feel anything much after the cruel, 'impactful conversation' (was not able to shake that numb feeling at the time )
I am beginning to 'thaw' a bit (but am not able to be intimate with him)
I am NOT getting even w/ or punishing h. I cant feel the way I used to - something happened to me that day. I changed & he experienced it (big time!) I was distant, indifferent, 'cool'. Then he 'changed' (big time) a few hours later.
I wondered if I should try since he seemed 2 b trying
Generally, h has been very observant. he asked me about how pensive i was & what was I thinking? I said that I have a few things on my mind that I need to sort out - no biggie)
At times, he seems sad & realizes that he is not reaching me
I occasionally experience times when I want the M. but feel no hope for it. h is very 'b & w' ... 'fixed' in his thinking. very confident ( & for good reason, he IS smart). It's just that you can't always speak w/someone who feels that they are right so much of the time. I mentioned something re: my father & immediately rec. "that's no excuse" - it wasn't, we were talking & I was being honest. I answered his question. This is typical - what I say is often nonsense or excuses (the 1st, 2nd 8th (!!) time, Ill let it pass, BUT come on! I've have enough of 1-way understanding).
I felt he responded the way he did (switch) since he had no options but I also suspect that he thought very much about the layers of LOSS. It hit him. He never expected me to be 'ok' with him going ... actually I never thought so either! I surprised myself, never thought that I wud live my old age without him.

I was amazed at h transformation.
The (apparent) *switch took about 2 - 3 hours (started while I went out on my errand). By the time I got back, he was clearly into the reconcile mode (I wondered - * Is this due to fact that my actions communicated how serious I was? had changed so much? that I did something that he thought wud NEVER happen? OR was it yet another 'act??!' ( dunno, & not concerned about figuring out either)

When I returned from my errand that day, he clarified some information re the fateful conversation. I was so confused and ready to move on it didn't matter. Tired, I was changing, getting ready to do the '@ home ' things ... and again, he appeared explaining something else. By the time this song & dance episode was over, he had (apparently) forgiven all the evil I had done & I was wonderful again ( "let's put it behind us, move on, blah blah ..")

The touching complimenting, thoughtfulness continued every day after that. At night, was no different.
I see these actions as 1 of 2 things ... or a combination.
1 - the typical manupilation tactics of mlc behaviour
2 - a (eh hem) 'changed' mlc-er. This is not a stable mind so anything is possible if it serves their needs. At the beginning of this mess, h made me the enemy b/c he HAD TO, it served his needs at the time - it gave him the permission slip to do what he wanted & a nice, 'safe' person to dump all the crap on.
So why not is a 'switch back' a possibility? If switching serves current needs, then switch back we will! Anything is possible in this 'state of mind,' isn't it? Anything. There is so much coping & desperation (which is NOT a great combination).

Although I fell for this last year (trying after seeing him 'try' & standing 4 M), I no longer have the endurance to keep at it, or the belief in anything this 'frail & unstable'. I think he will get frustrated eventually & revert ('tick tock'). No resolution (re real issues), no change.

H is already showing signs. I sensed some anger at some point ( re intimacy) but h was careful not 2 be too obvious. He tries to turn down the rage around me. Although I am saddened about how this is unfolding I cannot support the level of entitlement/sex. Consistent & ongoing sex (as if all is dandy) is no solution, if other areas needing attn. are ignored. He's ignoring other areas!! It's as if b/c he switched (back) that I should just pick up where we were and 'feel feelings.' Am simply not there yet, I dont have that particular switch!
We are pleasant to each other in spite of the persistent strangeness that surrounds us in daily life. He seeks me out to chat with me. I am not interested in getting back so I return the pleasantries.

Me again! w/child, C.
On a good note, spent loads of QUALITY time w. child (last year at this time, I did not know what on earth was happening as I was just entering the wacky world of mlc & all it brings). I have been organizing bit by bit. C is doing so much better! We also DO more outside b/c the weather has been so good (kite, biking ... ice cream) board games when we can't get out. The outdoor time has been good for both of us & improvements at school are obvious! Even the teachers are surprised. I continue to work at keeping C happy.

I also got a mini assignment!! Am enjoying challenging my mind. There's a bit of money coming in as well. When I get my first paycheck, I will take C out to eat at fav restaurant (including dessert! ) Just the two of us!

So that's it for now. Thought I would fill you in re: the switch but ended up reading other posts when I came by to post my own. p

[pbetra]

H is 'quieter' & distant. Probably realizes that I am not falling for anything. He is 'careful. Tries to conceal rage. 'Also wanted favor recently (the proposal comes w/some risk). Feels entitled - expectation of me is like that of a spouse b/c it serves this particular need/purpose. We're NOT, we are roommates ... I am 'expected' to (conveniently) oblidge (but am NOT afraid to say "no" this time whenever sitch comes up)

H was more communicative yesterday - dont know why. Was less so today. Has other things on his mind including work which is proving to be more challenging than hoped.

I am also beginning to suspect that accomdation options may not working out as planned either - but will see in June, early July.
(See what happens when 'party animals' have to sacrafice for each other? )

[pbetra]

Just need to put this on 'e-paper' ...

h is mad this AM, real mad but it's the 'quiet type of mad'. if looks cud kill, I wud b dead right now.

We have been civil whenever we cross paths in home. I got the usual greeting, but it was short. Recently he has been nice, we have very short conversations - shallow but light hearted comments and then I leave to give him his space.

This morning the coldness & 'killer' looks followed the greeting . I did not make conversation after that (In the past, I would have tried to smooth things out. Its been a while -> I no longer 'reward' this behaviour w/attention)

I can only sumise that it is 1 of 2 or 3 or all things:
1 - he's NOT getting through re: another place & time is passing by quickly (also here is damn good! he will lose a lot - it's nice, warm .. pets, plants, good culinary smells from kitchen, the kid when he wants him, me when curious, music). The sit down areas are nice too. Nothing is new or designer but plp who come here do like it. h has also been bringing buddy to hang out around the various nooks & crannies that I managed to make warm, cosy, & just plain 'feel good.' They drink and talk 4 hours.

2 - I have not taken him up re (at risk) request/ proposal
I know he is desperate but I can go out of my way or try with someone who is not yet ready to end this sham.

3 - he tried very much re intimacy. The timing was off for me after the cruel conversation - it was all timing. That I KNOW for sure would affect him. I wish i cud b a good fake but am not & fake is just that. IT TIME TO GET REAL

Whatever it is, the reaction is a temper tantrum re not getting his way. I realize he thinks I 'owe' him big time. His perception was much greater than reality. I never took much b/c I know my mil would 'throw it all in my face' one day if she cud. Good thing I did b/c it isn't her I ended up having to prove this with but him. He has no case - I was always 'low maintenance b/c I was practical. He was the spender.

I am 'hiding' right now as I write - soemthing I did thoroughout the past year when I was dim/dark. This is what we do when we live with the mlc-er - aviod seeing them, interacting w/.

I am not affected the same way though. I have calmed down a bit generally speaking However, at one point today, it affected me as I was not 'expecting' this hostility so early in the quiet of the morning as I worked on my assignment. I guess it was a sort of 'corosive intrusion' come out of no where on my quiet karma.

I went outside to do some stretches. I have a mtg with my client this AM & will break from the home in a few hours. When I get back, I hope to get space from him until he calms down. I hope things work out for him as we both need to sort our selves out b 4 any serious progress can b made.

Going to organize my things for later this AM.
Keep good 'all,' p.

[pbetra]

Yesterday, h returned much later in the day a different person. Was pleasant, warm, talkative. Gave me update re current project (as if I intend to 'partake' re risk to ME). Some of his concerns were resolved so the mood change was evident. He obviously left with much on his mind, but people are also nicer when they want something as well. 'Twin' that with the selfishness that pervades the mlc mind, & that's to be expected.

I thought to myself -
mlc is (almost ) like science, observing kinetic energy to restful state

> drop object ('round,' for illustration purposes), witness 'lotsa energy'
(BOMB! BOMB & 'even more BOMB'! )
> object bounces up, down from left to right, 'closing in on the height' with each 'set' of kinetic actions / energy
('bouncy, bouncy' emotional flux, raging etc, 'chemistry')
> height from floor continues to decrease as object gets closer to rest
(decrease of anger, a little calmer w/time but NOT (!!) quite 'there' yet )
> & finally a restful state (!!) ... that 'knock, knock, knocking sound', becoming less & less so, like dropping a marble before it settles down
(out of tunnel! - re the lucky ones)

I left 'his science' & 'chemical reactions' behind me though. Had a good meeting although things got scaled down so I won't make as much $$ as I had hoped. Had made plans re: child, 'C' during holidays/GAL ... so will tweak to suit. However, it's great (!) to have something else other than domestic related stuff & mlc, to challenge my mind with!

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Pbetra,

Sorry you are here but as you know, this is the best place to be for a lousy reason.

I also apologize for the length of this post.

I read your thread. A few questions I have are what are your ages? And are you able to financially support yourself without your h's income?

Sounds as if his support has been so erratic, I have to ask you, what's the worst that could realistically happen if he leaves? And, or, if he stays and spends all the money?

My h's ordeal cost us quite the fortune.

Also, I could not help but notice that despite your growth this past year, 90% of your focus remains on HIS mood and HIS behaviors.

How about not looking at those at all, for a day? And then make it a week? You can always "Check in" to see what he's up to after you do a LOT MORE GAL and you must;

We hammer the GAL here for one reason; it works. You are NOT detached from him and you can't really detach, imo, without GAL.

GAL is not about our WAS but ironically, it tends to be the single thing they most notice and that most intrigues them. In some small ways you have already noticed this yet your h remains in his semi Walk Away or "cake and eat it too" (or MLC) mode.

Btw, I don't think labeling it "MLC" is all that helpful b/c in some cases it means the LBSer sticks around with the misguided notion that MLCers always return to the marriages. But They usually do not return.


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. We had 3 kids and then, that included a baby.

Inertia is the greatest enemy to GAL. Overcome that, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your h.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter. Later served on the Bd of Directors & it was a great network connection for me.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).

I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).

I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too. Met fun creative people nearby.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv in Hollywood. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, became a better shooter.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I learned to drive a snowmobile ("snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly cold of their long winters).

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group
Took a class in Conversational French
Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost a lot.

Other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or quite cheap.

You must meet NEW people who don't know your situation and who thusly help reduce the obsessing about your h.

I know you hurt less now and that's great But the obsessing is still pretty full on and you'll make yourself crazy.

The early posts of yours indicated that you realized you only control YOU.

So that is where your focus must be. Next time you begin to notice HIS behavior or mood or wonder if he is in "replay/revision of marital history" or MLC or whatver

get a mirror out and work on you.

Good luck!