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Matt165 #2489046 09/16/14 04:10 PM
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Originally Posted By: Matt165
Hey pbetra!
Not a lot to add, just want to say to be careful and tread carefully. Your H is still all over the map. The phone conversation about maybe getting his own apt. comes to mind. Don't allow his "need" for you financially and his actions to secure that, give you hope he is "coming out of it". One of the things my W said to me was that one of the "reasons" she was leaving was because now that she was back working full time she felt she "could" do it. Never mind all the years that I stuck by her as the only one working.

Hi Matt,
nice to see you over at this 'neck of the woods'! Your support is invaluable! This forum & posters like yourself are my only safe lifeline now. smile You understand, so it's always nice to 'see' you here, regardless of what you 'add' (all matter, ALL add up! So thx! ...)

Years, computer data
You mention all "the years you stuck by W"/LBS support, pre MLC. Sadly, I realize that 'all those years' don't matter. All those years are like data re: the lives we had. MLC is like the computer virus, wiping out so much of that data! Line by line of code & data, recording an account of our year by year lives with S. All wiped away by the MLC virus destroying R. If I think of it too much of it, the sadness returns so I don't - most times I manage. Other times? ... well that's the life of the LBS! frown My helper is here today so I may go on my walk after preparing meals (parent meal is low salt, 'low everything' of course. Growing body of child is opposite ... smile

apt, $
Re: apt - I know, agree with you. The fact is I can't afford much anyway - I can 'just about do' basic needs - food, shelter, a phone for emergencies. Since I was 'discarded' for the others, it is for h to turn to them, the ones he chose over me. Let THEM walk the talk. (already heard $ woes the last few hours).

Trust, the fine lines
I am struggling with trust so this won't be an effort for me Matt. H is good at acting (caught him one day & in an sec. the expression changed!) There are moments when sadness must affect them and when they may be genuine (I use that loosely - as much as can be expected given this strange 'condition' crazy For me, there is such fine line between figuring out mlcer as it relates to 'LBS approach', and then trying to know what to do next re sitch, with whatever, if 'figured' out.

My challenge is the balancing act. You see, with your wife, the duration of your M & what is currently taking place with your Ds, I think is clear that W cannot be trusted, at this time in her MLC experience. Her trigger/FIL is around. And he's a biggie (!!), we're talking massive, where psyche is concerned. A parent!!

For me, I am not trusting h sitch AT ALL. However, I still have to keep observant (somehow) to the 'little nuances' of other behaviours - these may indicate baby steps. My lack of trust is obliterating some areas of my vision. I am not 'seeing,' not getting the panorama view with ALL the 'content' confused ... This can impact of solutions as you can imagine. This is the difference between 'dad for c, or no dad.'

btw Just heard about his financial hardship again ... h has backed off re sexual advances today, as he realizes it's a 'no go'(also VERY sensitive to 'rejection'). However, h is in good mood & is very nice to me. Seems to be trying - 'seems (there's that 'illusion word'!) I was updated re another job (have to give him As for trying) Anyway, h is all pumped up after meeting w/friend of many years. If that works out, it is highly likely that there will be 1 of 2 scenarios.
  • I will be 'history' b/c like your w, he "could" do what he wishes. If this trigger/employment expresses itself in making him secure, then he could be 'off & running', armed with cash to LIVE LIFE!

    (h mentioned having to stay a little late in superm. b/c of the lines - that's "time that I will never have again." This is insight into thinking - subtle urgency re losing TIME! It's no wonder we're 'history' unless needed, useful or convenient - like BF re her h mail/likes convience)
  • The other scenario is that he may stay (& this one WILL shock me) ... although will stay on fence. Keeping fam AND looking for opp./OW as he has been doing. H hasn't 'self medicated' long enough to fill his void. Many urges still need to be expressed. The only reason why I (remotely) entertain this scenario is that $$/employment is his big trigger. He's gone through too much, for too long & has fam issues re: $$ (as I wrote in earlier post). Whenever I noted changes in mood, it was job related. I did not recognize at the times before (twice before). Each time was worse. This, the 3rd time where job stress arose was the final straw I guess. MLC resulted (from reoccuring job issues coupled with milestone birthday & illness/relative). However, I saw behavioural similarites which I did not recognize in the past. On reflection, the mood changes & some distance were similar, but the differences related to greater intensity with each occurance, until this.
Sex was very important connectionbut I have changed that - so in a sense, I may have damaged the potential for a better outcome, with such a 'harsh' boundary.

Quote:
When you say you feel he may be being more interested in being intimate because he thinks this will make you feel better and "placate" you, I would listen to this feeling.

h 'strats'
Ok, I will. H is also judging me based on his family values (even the women). 'love' really means sex. Maybe this is why he got so affected recently. I will eventually become placated with authenticity - sex is meaningless for me right now (feeling like robot with a on/off switch when summoned).

H has asked me to join him re job prospect out of city (I guess for the drive as we used to go on drives, or maybe for the company). I am thinking about it ... shocked

Take care Matt, thx again for input. smile pb


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

pbetra #2489426 09/17/14 02:39 PM
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Originally Posted By: pbetra

H has asked me to join him re job prospect out of city (I guess for the drive as we used to go on drives, or maybe for the company). I am thinking about it ... shocked

Well h decided 4 me. h was going thro' finances eek re growing biz. Has expenses re this, but blew on good life! Now he's in trouble! (Party before responsibility ya know?)

Was in foul mood after & that was the end of that 'idea'! I was hesitant anyway b/c it's so far - what would we say (!!) for duration? But was thinking about it, in case of baby step, in light of my recent 'harshness.' h probably felt same w/ bad mood (2 go alone).

This morning my foot is swollen, arch, my ankles hurt ... & my right arm is painful, knuckle in prticular, (may have sprained something 'turning' parent during change time). My back is also killing me! I think I need 2 thro' in some strength exercises. Pay closer attn 2 diet (not just eat '4 hunger',when I started eating 4 health) Anyway, all in all it would have been too much 'work' to talk & PMA w/ h. Way too much - I will enjoy the peace, rest & do some db reading grin (my helper is late has her own concerns & may not come out, but 1 thing at a time. Enjoying my coffee 1st & will attend to parent very, very s l o w l y & mindfully with music in background).

I may not comfortable re: body, but am 'with mind'! I can relax with the space ... it's weird, I seem to need that now cool

I will see how h is since this is employment related ... what happens when the trigger (with possibility) shows up again.
h was actually quite pleasant, although a litte distant on leaving (had been harping - had "no $ to get there", interesting - but he made it).


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

pbetra #2491340 09/26/14 02:49 AM
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just perusing the forum .. stopping off here, there ... when this thought occured to me.
The 'quest' for intimacy continues. What should I tell h in a case like this? Back off? (very tempting) laugh

It's typical I suppose - the mlcer wants sitch to be a certain way without confronting the issues. H suggests that he doesn't 'get it', how I changed (really?! after all that's been going on?)

I am wondering how to approach this without engaging in the 'suicidal' 'R' talk - or should I just leave it?


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

pbetra #2491466 09/26/14 02:09 PM
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  • Should I answer h when asked about my widening the gap between us after standing for M the way I have?(re recent actions)
  • 'IYO' does this damage any minute progress up to that point?

Just putting out 'feelers' ... thx, pb


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

pbetra #2517611 12/16/14 01:17 AM
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Hi there,

it's been awhile I know. I had hoped to drop in, wish everyone a happy thanksgiving but it didn't work out (at least I made it before Christmas right? smile

Been a little tired & sick (?!) on/off - energy has plummeted!

Things appear to be getting a bit better since my last posts, but I am hesitant to believe this. Maybe it is 'self-preservation.' However, I wish to observe h when his job prospects do materialize. At this time, it seems so.

As recent as early September, there was disconnection. We had a R talk (not intended) & it seemed that he wanted to talk, but may not have known how to initiate. We both vent - & then he left! Said he had to leave to do a few things. I heard the familiar reversing sound of vehicle & thought it was over. Hours later, he returned & came to my room to inform me of his return - politely I might add shocked . This was the first time since March that we spoke about anything 'R.'

After that he tried to reach out - chatting, light touches and I reciprocated. Things seem better, but then again, it's 'famine' for him on many levels. The test is 'feast' - when $$ comes & there is independence, will h continue with his 'initial quest' since the opportunity would be there (re financial)? Only then would I know if any of this is real. There is still so much rage - 'road, other people etc' ... so I continue to wait. Another few months would make it year (!) since this experience began.

I hope that you all have a meaningful Holiday Season - until next time, take care, p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

pbetra #2517687 12/16/14 10:37 AM
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Sitting looking at the tree. Thinking about some other forum members - & like myself, how different this year would be for them.

Just sitting ... thinking.
Last Christmas was magical (!), it really was. We did so much together. I think that this is why the 'March BD' was a shocker - not long after the 2013 holiday season coming to think of it.

Right now, h is expecting $$ ($ = sig. mlc trigger) and it will be late in coming I think. He is pleasant but a little distance has returned. I ask God, who ever 'he, she or it' actually is, to get me off this pendulum next year! grin LOL Am fine on some level with h's mlc quirks though. He even acknwoledged my birthday earlier on ... & I didn't acknowledge his before then! h was VERY busy 'living HIS life' at the time 'sans moi.'

Got a major disappointment recently re: another relative (with whom I felt close to frown ) & I suppose everything is making me look at my own life so far.

2015 has to be better for me. 2014, the ordeal that is was is practically history now. I do feel drained with this level of upheaval & so little financial room to maneuver. Have to think of solutions re finances for 2015 - somehow. If that is in place, I will have peace of mind re: bills & resources to enjoy a few things to get my mind off the less pleasant.

These are the things we should learn in school!! Not simply academics re: how to make a living, but 'how to make your life' in your YOUTH when you have the energy!! grin Well, let me take my 'tired, busted up' self & >>>

HO HO HO ... HOpe! p.


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

pbetra #2523230 01/04/15 04:31 PM
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Just came by re: more thoughts as it is 2015!

2015:
BUT (!!) before I go on, I wish you all a very happy / or 'happier' New Year! laugh One that will give you strength and courage - & ultimately peace of mind as you create (or continue to create) the life you wish for your family &/or for yourself.

Sitting alone:
I found myself sitting alone quietly this AM with a cuppa joe.
Two thoughts occured to me.

  • Cadet - "trust the process" and
  • how it's all about mental stamina as one continues to "trust the process"

I don't have anything overly 'dramatic' to report. This may be because I go on with what I can & leave h the space to sort himself out. However, like many of you, I have had to reflect on events/2014 with the New Year.

What will life bring me/the family?
Last year at this time, I was happy (!) as we were planning a few things - vacation times etc. Family stuff for 2014.
Just under 3 months away, little did I know that MLC would strike and everything would be changed - forever eek .
(Like h, I too was also thrown into my very own emotional state of chaos, even though it seemed more 'exclusive' to the MLCer..)

The LARGER question at this moment is how much more(!!), can I create my own life??! Control those areas I can control by re-evaluating and subsequently identifying new areas for attention & improvement.

I can't control another's MLC experience but there are things I can control for me. This must NOT be taken for granted or lost within 'draining fatigue' or occasional despair ... This is a very important 'mental stickie' for 2015.


So far - recent developments.

An opportunity presented itself re h. It was a temp. one that could have other leads and was a welcome drop of water, in what seemed to be an ongoing drought for h.

With this opportunity, my birthday last year was acknowledged (!) shocked although I did not do so re: his (as per db advice).
I was given $$ to help with bills & talk developed re gifts for holidays including what I might want! shocked shocked H also spoke with me more (again) & clearly wished to spend more time with me just hanging at home (vs the tendency > isolation).
Also spoke of planning a little family time away!! shocked shocked shocked ...

Until (!), the lead fell through ... frown
I knew something was wrong when the raging returned (it never really left - traffic, long lines etc would bring out the lack of patience & intense anger, but here at home it HAD 'subsided!' )
The TRIGGER was set off - again.
$$/financial security = progress (more distance covered within the tunnel).
Lack of $$ security = MLC behaviours.
My company is no longer sought as before. Some isolation has returned. I continue to hear the angry words ... frown

On a positive note, h is generally pleasant to me, in other words h tries to keep the anger away from me & tries to be nice. Actually he has been most times! 'Strange at times but nice'
This is when the thoughts 'decended' on me -
  • Cadet - "TRUST THE PROCESS" &
  • mental stamina needed to continue to trust this complex process.
So I continue reflecting on the two, as I continue to try to source more income myself as living expenses really ARE driving me nuts!! Geez! crazy

I still feel soooooo tired sometimes. Tend to get sick a little often, but overall, it's 'ok'. Things are not too bad or 'serious' in the 'grand scheme of things,' so I am appreciative.

Bye for now:
Well, will wrap up here.
Again, I hope that this year will be good for EVERYONE here (who are often inspiring in addition to being supportive of course smirk ) ... my sincerest good wishes to you, as you go on with YOUR lives as best as you could, regardless of each of YOUR circumstances at this time.

I will be catching up a 'bit' later today after so long!!!. It's close to lunch time & the family will hungry soon.
Take care, p. smile


pbetra
----
M: 15 yrs (in 2014)
BD: 6/03/2014
Infidelity ('known' from July 2014)
Denied PA Feb 2015
2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact.
Back briefly 2017 (after family death)
Separated 2017

pbetra #2523262 01/04/15 05:57 PM
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Quote:
The LARGER question at this moment is how much more(!!), can I create my own life??! Control those areas I can control by re-evaluating and subsequently identifying new areas for attention & improvement.


This right here is the KEY!

kml #2523321 01/04/15 09:17 PM
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Originally Posted By: kml
Quote:
The LARGER question at this moment is how much more(!!), can I create my own life??! Control those areas I can control by re-evaluating and subsequently identifying new areas for attention & improvement.


This right here is the KEY!



Amen!


M- 48
XW- mentally 17
KIDS- 3- S19, D23, D28
Married- 17 years
Divorce final- 10/16/09

pbetra #2523469 01/05/15 06:38 AM
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So great to hear from you pbetra! I was worried about you as we haven't heard from you in so long!
Happy New Year! It sounds as if you are doing OK. Like you I am still not in anywhere close to a decent financial state but am working hard towards getting there. As for me, W has been pushing hard to finalize the D and the last meeting didn't go well for me. But I'm not hear to talk about me. I just wanted to let you know that I'm glad you're back and I'm rooting for you!

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