The thing about being an LBS (left behind spouse) is that we CAN ask ourselves these kind of questions and change the things about ourselves and our lives that NEED changing. The MLC S doesn't do that.
I disagree, I think they ARE trying to fix some things about themselves, just in a way we don't particularly like, or particularly adaptive for regular life. But they are.
One thing that was very tough for me to "get" is that they are not doing this to us, necessarily, but rather for themselves.
W, who is seemingly leaving the tunnel, even said as much...she didnt "want to hurt us"...she just was compelled to do what she did and lost her empathy chip for a while.
Until I "got" that, I was running around all butt-hurt and angry/emotional, and not at my best for my kids.
Once I did, MY healing and journey truly began.
My 2 cents...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
that's an excellent point tsquared2.... well said!
Me - 42 exH - 56 Married 10.5 years Together 17 bomb dropped 1/6/14 signed papers 2/4/14 H moved out 2/22/14 D final 4/4/14 Dropped the rope 5/17/14 2 cats, 2 dogs
T2 is 100% correct in saying that MLCers are trying to fix some things about themselves. They go back to a time where they were emotionally stunted to try to figure out why and how it happened and it is at this time in their lives where they have to begin growing up. Many of the MLCers were abused in some fashion, others were not recognized for their accomplishments, some didn't receive affirmation and some were ignored when there were other siblings that may have been far better in academics or sports. Whatever the reason, they have to go back to that age and deal w/their demons, accept the things that they can't fix/change w/respect to authority figures, losses, etc., and hopefully then begin to grow up and become better, more mature individuals on the other side of the tunnel.
What they do and how they go about it is not the "adult" and/or "mature" way of going about things because they are on a "emotional" journey and when emotionally charged, they don't think rationally or act like adults. Unfortunately, we all tend to forget that we have to learn to accept them for who they are today and not who they were pre-crisis.
One day, hopefully, they will come out the other side and be someone that is mature and far wiser than they were going into the tunnel...but time will tell on how they bake up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good point T2! I guess I should have said in a way that makes sense to us. One common theme I have seen from those that have come through the MLC tunnel is that, once they get to the other side, almost all of them see that the things that they tried weren't the things that they needed. They looked to the outside, to the people or things around them when where they should have been looking all along is inside. It isn't until they see this that they truly are able to find peace. How many find that losing weight, buying sprees, dumping S, having an A, etc. actually make them happy? It's not until they try all those type of things and still nothing changes that they start to make real progress.
You are right. They aren't doing anything for or to anyone but themselves and I know that in my case my W isn't punishing me or doing anything TO me. It's just, like you said, "not particularly adaptive to regular life".
They may well be trying to fix themselves, but at least some of them are deliberately trying to hurt and are cruel to their former spouse and family
Some of the damage is collateral, some is vindictive. OK it may be due to their hurt. I used to believe it wasn't personal, now I think that a lot of it is.
I think beatrice, that some of them are so unable to face that the demons they face are their own, they need to blame someone or something else and of course that is the person they were closest to. My W has said when she was lucid, that she has tried so many things to be "happy". She was a mother, she was a wife, she lost weight, she threw herself into her work and nothing changed. Now she thinks that the biggest change she can see is no longer being married. She said she was never "depressed" before she got married so maybe once she is own her own, totally in control of every part of her life (who is?), she will be happy.
Of course she was never depressed before she had kids, lived in TX, had 3 dogs, etc. No, easier to blame her "bad marriage" as that can be fixed without the pain of looking inside herself for the answers. They also seem to not like that we aren't in pain like they are. They are angry because they want to blame you and make you feel as bad as they do! That's just a thought. I could be wrong. But like T2 said if the "empathy chip" is not working, they can't care about anyone else!
Maybe my xh's anger stage is still going on - nine years of anger!! Seriously I would not wish my xh's behaviour on anyone.
He is so angry with everyone. It is like a volcano. When it isn't erupting it is steaming and smoking!! And he used to be such a very very nice kind person.
Hi Bea, Just read some of your thread and my goodness, your ex is fruit loops!The weirdest part of all that, is how he was such a loving and caring guy before his MLC! I have seen how they can change from loving and caring into a selfish, only care about what they "need" (away from us is usually #1)person but he has become something out of a movie!
Of course the line about the only reason people think he is acting "wrong' is because you poisoned them against him is so par for the course. My W hasn't even left yet and is already accusing me of PLANNING to do just that. Not even that I have! She just knows I'm going to do it! I think what she and your exH really "know" is that they are in the wrong and are afraid of facing up to what they are doing is wrong in almost anyone's book.
I wish I had something that could help but I have no idea what you should do. Witness protection? For a guy who decided to leave his wife and family for some OW he sure seems to think he is such a saint! Not sure how some of these WAS's live with themselves. Must be really awful being THAT angry all the time!
Oh he didn't 'decide' to leave his wife and family - we should never have married. For reasons he doesn't understand he just stayed around and participated in family life (without ever enjoying it)
My absolute favourite is his claim that the OW had nothing to do with it (well in a sense they don't) but really it is right up there with 'the dog ate my homework'
Sooooo he was unhappy for 35 years, and then this woman comes along (and boy was OW1 strange - even my xh admits that now) he decides to leave. Ummmmm it makes sense to him, and I really am too punch drunk to care.
It is actually pretty funny when it isn't too painful!
