FINALLY SURFACING

[lovethehub]

hey F!

I have to agree with Sandi2. I think it is time you start to bend a little toward your w. It was my first thought when your W wanted to talk a few weeks ago and you mentioned that you didn't offer to reschedule things (if you could have, it might not have been a bad idea). Even though I haven't posted in a while (nursing school was a ton of work!) I occasionally caught up on your posts and I find myself thinking that if I were your W, I would not have the impression you had any interest in R. There were also times when friends were asking if you were dating, how you felt about your W, etc. that I wondered if she was trying to temperature check through them.

It seems to me your W tries to put invitations out there to you frequently and you can't say for sure if they are for her to have family time, or time with you, because you typically decline. Start leaving some room in your schedule to accept some of these invitations when you pick up/drop off the girls.

I haven’t heard anything from W for nearly two weeks. Some part of me thought/hoped (not expected and therefore no disappointment) that she would text me a short status since she got so pleased with the one I send her during my vacation time with the children….but none so far.
Otherwise nothing new – W and sit is still on my mind and I miss the children like HE77!

Next time, send her a text and don't always start off with something about the girls. Maybe just a "Hi, how are you?"

What comes through in your posts is that you are very closed off to your W and any attempt at her reaching out to you. It's time to start changing that a little and see where it takes you!

[Fartiltre]

I DID IT
Saturday I completed my triathlon in 1.08.35 and thereby below the 1.10 I had as a goal.
I still feel so good about this and now I want to do better.

The weekend has been full of GAL.
The run Saturday, barbecue at friends in the afternoon, concert with other friends Saturday night and then some bars until late. Chilled all Sunday with a friend.
Splendid weekend.

At the barbecue (Friend M’ed to Ws friend) my friends wife asked me if I would take care of their plants and Ginny pig while they are away for some days. Friends W has gotten so much nicer towards me during the past month or so.
Little things like this makes me feel good!

W called Sunday morning. She talked about their vacation, what they had been doing and not doing. Good talk and then D5 came to the phone. So nice to talk to her!
Afterwards W and I tried to plan this week and we ended up in an argument. W had put in her calendar that Ds would be with me this week – I didn’t and I have no memory of making this arrangement. (We agreed on getting back to this matter IMO) When I told W this she got mad “It is in my calendar”, “Why would it be in my calendar if we didn’t agree on it” and so on. I tried very calmly to explain her that I couldn’t explain that and then she set totally off. “It is always about you being right”, “I have the Ds 50% of vacation and so do you”, “I have scheduled business meetings” and so on. I had no chance of getting through, she kept interrupting and was just plain angry – so I ended the call and told her I would get back to her later.
I did in the evening and we settled things with the Ds. I also told her that we need to have a talk soon, that I do not understand why she gets so angry with me and that I mean her no bad or harm, that our planning is not good enough and that talks like the one previously ruins good time. All said very calmly and she agreed to this.

I have been thinking a lot about her sayings but can’t seem to find my way through this. She is right about (old) me wanting to be right but this seems to come from somewhere else. She gets so angry and it makes it almost impossible to have a normal convo when she gets like this.
Sometimes I think that she gets this way because of my changes. I mindread that she feels anger towards me because I didn’t do this before, suddenly I can do it all, only seeing me happy and so on.

I will pick up the Ds later today and am really looking forward to seeing them


LTH,
As always thank you for your advice and support!
I fully agree with you and Sandi!

W is now back from vacation and I will have the talk with her as soon as possible. Hopefully that will bring me a little clarification.
I will follow your advice about trying to open up a little and keeping my schedule free on the “right” days so I can actually accept an invite.

I hope you are doing good in all regards and that your R, work, studies and busy life in general brings you good times.
Take care

[Fartiltre]

I picked up the girls yesterday and it was so nice to see them again

I stayed at Ws place for around an hour or so. Played with the children and talked to W about their vacation. She asked about my trip to Poland and I told her. It was good time – all calm and nice.
She hugged me when we left.

She didn’t extend any invites and seemed rather busy. She talked about being glad that holiday is over. She wants to start working again so she can make some money. (She is self-employed)

Earlier on I wrote about not receiving a text from W about all being good. Today I emptied my mailbox and there were two holiday postcards. One from each of the Ds. They both arrived last week but I don’t look in the mailbox that often.


I also had a short talk with my partners. In short I told them about my thoughts about leaving the business, me not being happy about my tasks, me not feeling focused – just all of it. I told them that I didn’t need to talk right now but that I wanted to tell them about my thoughts to give them a chance to think about theirs. It felt good getting this of my chest and hopefully we will get to talk more deeply about this in a week or two.

Also found out that a couple of neighbors are splitting up. I feel sad for them. I have talked with both over the past 8-10 months about this but he seems so stubborn. He doesn’t have a clue about why she is leaving – only due to him not looking. They both blame the other and they do not have the capability of looking inwards. I have tried my best to open his eyes but he won’t.
She packed her stuff while he was away and left the keys to him – ouch! I will support them both the best I can.

[sandi2]

I DID IT
Saturday I completed my triathlon in 1.08.35 and thereby below the 1.10 I had as a goal.
I still feel so good about this and now I want to do better.

WOW! Congratulations!

[Fartiltre]

Nice days with the Ds. S10 joined us yesterday and that was great!

I have had a good talk with one of my partners yesterday and I will talk to the other one tomorrow. Right now it seems like these two great guys will accept that I have special needs due to the time available in my life…if so I will be a happy man. I will also do my best not to let them down again – I need to get more focused on my work!
I have no expectations about this but some part of me hopes it will turn out this way. That will buy me some time to make the decisions needed.

During the talk yesterday I told my partner (and close friend) that I am not the work-focused guy I used to be and that I will never be the old working me again. He smiled and told me that he knows.



Short text convo with W this morning. We had agreed that I would set the Ds off at her place around 16.00 today but I have to go for a drive earlier and could save 40 km so I texted:

Me: “Goodmorning :-)
I have an errand in [city] today at 14. Could it fit you if I set off the girls around 13.30”
W: “hmmmm I counted on 16 but just come by with them. I am working”
Me: “Can easily wait….get some work done then I will be there at 16”
W: “Perfect”

It is “funny” how this past 1½y have changed the way I look at convo’s and the way I communicate. W’s first answer contains IMO some annoyment (mindreading) but instead of just saying no she goes the other way around this and hopes for me to withdraw my request by placing some blame or bad conscience.
THAT is so much me 1½y ago and today I see it all around.
Some part of me wants to tell her to just say no and tell her about what I have learned. I won’t but I might start doing exactly that with friends.


Tonight I will take S11 to the movies and Saturday I have 20-25 guys over for a summerparty. Jokes, Beers, clay target shooting (before the beers) and just guys fooling around. Monday is first school day after the holiday and then work and a normal daily life waits.

[Eatsma]

Well done on the triathlon and you sound like you're doing great.

[Fartiltre]

Ds have been missing W a lot. I have had a short talk with D7 about this. I mostly just validate her feelings but also asked her this time about her feelings about the missing in general and she still wants more time at my place. She wants it to be 50/50.
D5 expresses her missing often and out in the open. That makes it so much easier. D7 just pulls back and gets sad.

Time with the children has been great.

I sat the Ds off around 16.00 yesterday.
Short talk with W about Monday when D5 start in the new kindergarten. W invited me over for breakfast and I accepted that (with a smile). Afterwards we will take D7 to school and the D5 to the kindergarten.

S11 and I went to the movies and had a splendid evening. This morning I sat him off at XW1 and witnessed her giving him a hard time because he didn’t want breakfast.
I see my own old patterns so many places these days!

MLP, Sandi
Thanks for your kind words about the tri

[Fartiltre]

Weekend is over and what a weekend
Friend over Friday – we talked and enjoyed ourselves until late. Saturday I had 20 guys over for a long day and night. Everything went great. Sunday I cleaned the house and surroundings, did an hour of exercise and then crashed on the sofa.

Today I went to Ws place to have breakfast before taking the girls to the first day at school/kindergarten after the holiday. It went just fine. Good talk and good time.
I overheard D7 talking about a family birthday at MIL. W texted me about this about a month ago but I haven’t replied since we haven’t talked. (Ws wish is that I wait on things like this)
As I understood D7 she said they were going but Ds are at my place. So I called W and we had a talk about this. W actually agreed that when the Ds are at one place it is important that we do not pick them up and take them back and forth. That’s totally new – normally me saying no to things like this have made her angry. She might have reacted this way because she didn’t plan on taking the Ds anyway but in the general talk about this she agreed to my POV. I have experienced this more than once during the past 2,3 or 4 months. That is W changing her views from her originally to one closer to mine.
At the end of the convo she reminded me that we need to have the evaluation talk soon and I believe it will be next week.


Two small incidents for my journal.
MIL bought a present for S11 when she was on vacation with W and Ds

Last time when I sat the Ds off at Ws place W called afterwards and asked about a certain CD that D7 likes. I told her and said something like “You will love it!”. It is NOT Ws type of music. That ended up with a little humorous texting.

[Fartiltre]

Had a few texts back and forth with W the past two days and we settled on meeting up Thursday next week in the morning for the evaluation-talk. Texting has been nice.

Yesterday I received a text from W:
“I have just talked with the Karate-club. Due to changes at the school they can’t have the gymhall as usual. Therefore training is moved to Wednesday from 17:30-19:00 (Friday from 18:30-19:30) Have a nice day :)”

This gives me a major challenge due to:
Wednesday is shifting day and Ds and I haven’t seen each other for 9 days. Ds are not themselves on these days. Therefore I have normally kept these days quiet and without any stress.
The timing is wrong. Karate is a 20 min. drive. We won’t be home until 19:30 and getting home before practice is not an option due to work and driving time.

I replied “Damn it!” immediately and a little later:
“Karate won’t work for me. We can take it on the phone if you want but D7 needs to know that she won’t go tomorrow. I will take the general talk about this with her”

W: “Yes, and [D7 friend] also needs to know. It is something they have together”

Then I tried to call W but line was busy.

Me: “Yes…I have tried to call you”
W: “I am on the phone myself”
Me: “Give me a call when you are free”

We had a talk for 15 min! The tone was mostly calm but W seemed angry and accusing.

I (once again) told W about my issues with Wednesday and also the timing on this one. We have been over this before on several occasions. She blamed me and told me that I never wanted to take the children to anything. This time I asked her why she says things like this since I do not recall stating this and that I have taken Ds to many things. I also had to state my boundaries once again – I need to get firmer on these. She then pulled out some old examples from S11 and I told her that I understand her POV. (I can see where this comes from and to some extend I agree with Ws POV – I also find that her “truth” has been twisted a lot)
W wanted me to call D7s friend about the cancellation tomorrow and I said I couldn’t see any reason for that.
I kept my voice calm through the entire talk – W almost did the same.
I felt her being gone through the entire convo. I try hard to see her POVs on these and other matters but at the same time I feel blamed and like she will never try to understand mine. It feels like she don’t want to accept that D has a major effect on children’s life. I have discussed my boundaries with mutual friends and shrink and they seem to understand my POV.
I will have these talks once again to make sure I am not on a wrong track.

After the convo I realized that off course D7s friend should have a call, so I called back W and told her I was wrong and that I would handle it. At the same time I suggested that we look for another activity that the children can go to. W liked it and we agreed upon me contacting D7s friend’s parents.

I had a short talk with D7s friend’s mother. She understood me but also said that she felt sorry for the children. I told her I feel the same way and then we agreed to look for something else.

I called W back afterwards and told her about the talk and that I would keep her informed.

The Friends mother told me they would give me a call in the evening - but they didn’t.

[Fartiltre]

I texted W yesterday:
“I didn’t hear anything from [D7s friends] parents yesterday but I will give them a call this evening. I will let you know when I hear something.
I will pick up the bag around 15:30

I have thought a lot about the Wednesdays and I am still convinced it is in the Ds best interest to keep these days free. Therefore no activities! I will have the general talk with D7 one of the days.

Talk soon :-)
Fartiltre”

W: “Fine. I will be home when you pick up the bag”

When I came to her place I changed my “normal” routine so I went in and initiated a convo. We ended up talking about the Ds for 15 min. The talk was pleasant. W cried at some point because she is having a hard time setting D5 off at kindergarten. D5 is talking about missing and so. W is very emotional and cries easily. Nothing special about it – just a nice talk.
I did prepare for W to be mad about my decision but it wasn’t mentioned with a single word.
W also brought up that D7 still asks for more time with me and I told her that we will go over this issue next Thursday when we meet up.

So good to see the Ds again and today I picked up S11 as well. My little family is back together

I have had a talk with the friends parents and they totally understood my POV. We are looking for another activity for the children now. Hopefully we can find one!

I had a FANTASTIC talk with my partners today. About me, the work I do, my missing focus, my life….a lot. They are astonished about the changes they see in me, the way I handle my private life….it all - but they are not pleased with my focus at work. I can certainly understand why!
They want to keep me in so they offered me to stay if I wanted to, to keep my salary but also to cut my hours. I offered them to cut down my number of shares and to give them a bargain when they had stated their intentions and furthermore said that I will work on my work-focus with the same motivation as I have worked on private-me for the last year. I also told them that I will never get back to old me, that I can’t and won’t deliver the hours, that my children will always be my first priority. I stated some boundaries….it was a good and honest R-talk between partners and friends.
Bottomline: I get to keep my salary but take a major cut in hours….and I get to do it with a good conscience. At the same time I will work hard on my work-focus when there!
If I succeed in this, it will add a major pile of happiness to my life in general - so I will do the work!