A trip like this makes me realize – once again – how much D affects children AND parents.
W texted yesterday and asked me to call since she had news about D7 stomach-aches. I had very poor signal but texted back and told her I would call the today and asked if it was important news. Got a nice answer back stating all fine and not important.
Today I called and she asked about our trip. I told her it had been a blast, some few facts and that we were tired. Then I turned the attention towards D7. W told me that she had taken her to the doctor again and that they had a good indication of what is affecting her stomach. She gets medication for it and it seems to help. This is very minor but nice of W to inform me. I guess I would have informed her when we meet up on Sunday. At the end of the convo we arranged Sunday when all of us goes to the Cirkus 100km of here. I told W that we will be at her place at 8am. She then asked if we have eaten breakfast when we arrive. I told her yes and that we will have to leave immediately.
I mindread that this was an invitation all though not a direct one.
A little later I texted W and asked if she wanted to bring her car or if she plans on the train if kids and I stay in the city for an extra day. I had told her that this might happen but decided to text so she couldn’t pull the “You never told me”. She replied “I will just jump on the train :-)”
Originally Posted By: Mat
I'm only at the start of my journey, and you're an inspiration. Keep it up - it's really good to read about successes!
Thanks for the kind words Means a lot! I do not consider myself a success yet, but time will get me and you there if we do the work. I am familiar with your thread. Keep moving forward and keep working to become the man you really want to be! I am 16 months in and some time still feel that I have not even begun
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Yesterday W and I spend the entire day with children together. We met up at 8AM and W was supposed to leave around 1PM but I invited her to stay the afternoon with me and children and she accepted and stayed till around 6PM when kids and I left for our hotel.
The day was fine! W did most the talking as usual. She started of the day by telling about all the people she and Ds visit and have over – she simply seems to be all good. She tells about her and Ds upcoming vacation and that she has invited MIL to come along because she thinks Ds will enjoy themselves when camping. She asks about our canoe trip, what Ds and I will do for vacation, how the business is doing…all kind of stuff. Tells me about her back problems and ask about mine. Tells me about a mutual friend that have told her how well Ds, she and I handles the situation. Tells me about her house renovations.
W also told me that she plans on visiting my brother and SIL – that came as a surprise to me. W has always hated SIL and badmouthed her a lot. Now she plans to visit them. Her choice - but took me a little time to digest. I do not talk to my brother anymore – BD wrecked that as well.
Our conversations has been natural. We had a few moments to ourselves and talked just fine in these as well. We interact as a couple. Holding bags, sharing costs, splitting up and finding back together when kids want to do different things and so on. I took over an issue with D7 when W gave up. I asked W if she wanted my help and she said yes please. It works splendid and oh boy it is easier to be two adults around the children. Few touches but nothing that couldn’t be between two friends.
She texted me yesterday evening ( I didn’t see until this morning): Hi all of you. Thanks for a lovely day at circus and planetarium. It was VERY hot inside the train I took so I really needed a bath when I got home. I hope you have fun at the hotel and that you have a great day in [city] tomorrow. Hugz mom
I answered this morning: Likewise :-) Lovely day! Kids were so excited about the hotel. Treasurehunt in the lobby, playing room and disneychannel…. I pulled all through long and hot showers (free and plenty of water) yesterday and it was needed. They are still sleeping but will have to wake them up shortly. I have promised them ALL day at the aquarium but first a big breakfast. Talk soon. Fartiltre
I could mindread (or analyze) a lot on all of the above this truth is that the picture I get is that she is happy and gone. At the same time I remember not to trust anything. After a day like yesterday I feel like giving up because she seems so gone and at the same time I feel like standing firmer than ever, because I can see how good this is to the children.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
But I thought the conversations were getting better. They were getting longer and with no anger. Why do you feel like giving up now? And exactly what do you mean standing firmer than ever?
Do you feel that she simply wants you in her life as a friend and it won't progress beyond that level?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Two weeks of vacation with S11 is unfortunately over. It has been so great! I have let XW1 know that she can anticipate me asking to have him for three weeks next year…she seemed a little reluctant but I believe it will be all right. Furthermore winter holiday is settled so if I can find the money S11 and I will go skiing.
The past week with 3 kids and I have passed so quickly. At times it is hard to be alone with them since they are some pack but it is amazing to observe me I feel so good about this that I can’t describe it!
A few interactions with W through sms about some glasses and an upcoming birthday. I haven’t spoken to her since Monday.
Next week I have the Ds here and while I look forward to some time alone with them I will miss S11 very much.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
But I thought the conversations were getting better. They were getting longer and with no anger. Why do you feel like giving up now? And exactly what do you mean standing firmer than ever? Do you feel that she simply wants you in her life as a friend and it won't progress beyond that level?
The conversations over the past weeks are better and a thought has sneaked in on me several times over the past days. It is difficult for me to describe accurately and it comes and then I dismiss it….but something seems to have changed. I can read it positive and negative in terms of R – I really don’t know. It is not that she has opened up in any way but still something feels different….and it could be a lot of things. IDK – it could just be me (This is not the old me twisting and spinning my brain about everything.)
W seems more agreeable. I have experienced more than once that she didn’t get angry or use harsh words when I expected her to. (Expectations only due to history) W seems to admit that some of my views on the children are right. We had this half an hour long convo about our experiences and she actually asked to meet to evaluate how things are going. We haven’t done this but just her asking…. W is not liking my post on FB anymore. She has done this almost every time I have posted for a long long time, but for the last month or so – nothing. (MIL, SIL and other of Ws family and friends continues to like my post so my thought is that she un-followed (not unfriended) me because it annoys her to see all the things I can do now compared to prior to BD. Mindreading or guessing – I know – still she has expressed this in words more than once.) We communicate less than prior to vacation. This might be due to vacation since there is nothing to coordinate these days. We spend an entire day together and it was a nice day Her respond to D7s request about spending more time with me.
When I look at W I see her gone and I have done this for a long time now. That’s the reason why I wrote that some part of me feel like giving up. I do not see the above as progress. Right now I see it as W digging in to stick with her decision and yes I see it as her wanting me in her life as the father of her children and perhaps a friend – but nothing further, but once again I am focusing on and mindreading W.
On the other hand I see my children hurting and I see them so happy on a day when they have us both. I would, more than anything, love to give them a family and that means to R with W. Thats the reason I wrote that I feel like standing firmer than ever but that might not work in English What I meant was that seeing the children motivates me further, adds patience, helps me keep the hope and helps me keep standing.
…so I guess, in moments, that I feel torn between giving up and digging in! Then again - I honestly wouldnt even know how to give up. I do not believe it a decision I can make - if it comes, it comes by it self.
Case is that I am NOT about to give up! My life is good at the moment all though I still struggle with all of this, some financial and work issues and then off course the lack of time….bottom line is that my life is good and the only things I actually have influence over is the work, the financials and prioritizing my time. I feel at peace with me as a man and especially as a father. I am not entirely happy as we have discussed earlier but I am getting better and happier every day.
Makes sense? (Sorry it became somewhat long )
Originally Posted By: LuckyLuke
Hej Far, More power to you - it is encouraging to read your posts! Luke
Thanks Luke – means a lot
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
If you "gave up", what would be different? Would you be doing something you are not doing now?
Not much in physical life; if anything at all! I believe I would live my life the way I am right now.
…but I would hope for some changes internal – mindwise!
I would be able not to let my mind wonder due to hope and thereby focus more intense on the present time and task. That would definitely be good especially for my work but also in daily life. I wouldn’t spend so much time wondering about her The children’s hurt wouldn’t affect me in the same way since the cure would be non-existing I wouldn’t feel hurt myself I would be able to stop living this “double-life” where I do not speak my true feelings to many close friends. …and then some….
…so giving up would be good for me, but – again – I simply don’t believe it is a decision I can make and then just live. Time will bring it on me if R not happens.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Just having a quick catch up. This really struck a cord with me: Looking back at the past 15 months makes me sad and at the same time I almost start to laugh. I have been blessed with so much well meant, sound and good advice in here, but in many of the cases I wasn’t even able to comprehend the advice and therefore I couldn’t live or do it.
Looking back at it all gives a totally different perspective doesn't it? It seems easy to comprehend, at the time it's like trying read a foreign laungauge.
M36 W31 S4 S2 T5 M4 BD Jan12 S July12 Recon Sep12-Nov12 ILBINILWY Jan13 OM x 2 in 2013 W wants R July 13 I start D. Jan 14. Meet GF Nov 13 Have I changed enough? Jul 14
Means a lot!