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Hi Matt

well from my experience I can tell you what not to do....do not talk crap about her to anyone..i did and it got back to her and threw me back into the abyss..its hard but now I just say that I prefer not to talk about it and im moving on. (even though I still have hope ;))


Me: 42
W: 39
D: 2 age 6 and 9
D-Day: Dec 29 13
Seperated: 3/20/14
Mediation retainer : 5/20/14
She filed: 06/25/14
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I would take it a step further. What you need Mat is to detach and go LRT. This means you truly need to give her the space she needs to figure things out. Part of that equation means you need to take yourself out of the equation. Right now there is nothing you can do or say to anyone including her to make her want to be with you. So that means the only answer is to not be there. She has to miss you to want you back. She has to think you are no longer available to her for her to try and WIN you back. And this is important. If you are just 'there' for her to have for free, it means nothing to her. Everything we work for has more meaning than things we are given for free. Use this time to work on yourself, and where you made mistakes in your relationship. GAL. Do your 180s. You have to become happy with yourself, otherwise no one else will be happy with you. Once you truly detach, your life will become much easier to cope with on a daily basis, and that is the point you will see her take another look at you.

In other words, I would not keep up with your mutual friends. It is a way for her to keep tabs on you and see how you are doing. You want to be mysterious to her.

Last edited by pilot; 06/30/14 06:38 PM.

Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
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Mat Offline OP
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Thanks guys - it does help though you bring different perspectives.

It's tempting to find loopholes in LRT operating through friends. But the same principles apply. No debate here.

I have called the employee helpline with work health insurance to book some counselling. They're a bit stingy on the number of sessions but I'll take what I can. Time to start working on inner fears and bulk up these happiness muscles!!

Last edited by Mat; 06/30/14 07:02 PM.

M:37
W:38
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EA discovered 06/07/2014
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Question -

How does this article, which I also saw in DR,

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm

...fit with detachment and LRT? This doesn't make sense to me. Having read this early on, I made a point of telling my wife that I would be a friend to her and helpful at all times. But this doesn't ring right anymore at all.


M:37
W:38
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EA discovered 06/07/2014
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It does not fit. It just illustrates that every relationship is unique. That relationship seemed to be saved because of the OM screwing things up and pushing the W back to the H.

Then again, he was not undergoing the LRT. Remember the LRT is the LAST resort. It is for when nothing else works and the ONLY chance you have at saving your marriage is to truly let it go. So perhaps he was not at that point.

Last edited by pilot; 06/30/14 07:55 PM.

Me: 42
W: 32
Married 7 years together 8.5
S1: 7 S2:7
Bomb #1: 09-16-13
Recon #1: 11/13
A discovered 04-03-2014
W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me
I filed D 12-02-2014
S 05-31-14
Divorced 5-19-16
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 131
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Mat Offline OP
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Thanks. I need to start work on my goals and 180s instead of picking holes in the booms anyway. It does help my confidence when I feel I master the material...


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Great article Mat. But how does this work when your WAW only rings when she needs you pilot... ie don't be a doormat etc. How do you differentiate?!

Last edited by bashy; 07/01/14 01:24 AM.

M 35 W 31
D 10
Married 3 years
Together 11
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Moved out Dec 13
ILYBNILWY, 'I don't want to be a boring housewife, 'I don't fancy you any more'
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See I disagree. LRT is not an actual last resort. According to DR it says that if youre physically separated, then start LRT immediately. It doesnt say see if this doesnt work or something else doesnt work, then do LRT. It says to start right away. I feel like it really should be SPT, standard practice technique. Its pretty much what everyone ends up doing anyway.


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Hi Mat,

I feel your pain, as my W moved into a new place of her own today.

Thanks for providing the article on being the WAW's friend. I also saw this issue on p. 161 of DR, which brought up "unconditional" friendship being what worked for "Don".

But it just seems to make more sense to stay away, don't pursue and let your W work on these issues herself. Good Luck.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
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Mat Offline OP
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Thanks all - sorry to hear about the move Wet. Hope you're feeling OK! My W is picking her stuff up next Saturday. I need to find somewhere else to be for that day. Any ideas? I'm thinking I'll want to be with people, so may end up inviting myself over at someone's place.

On reflection, maybe the article depicts the "post-LRT" resolution in this guy's story. Like pilot says, the mending would have been accelerated by the bad boyfriend (OM). So maybe she started reaching back, and for all we know he would have been disciplined about not jumping up and doing cartwheels whenever she beckoned. Maybe he was just a strong but disciplined presence at the right time. And article mentions that it was always under the guise of family or logistical stuff, that he never pressured her into a date. So he wasn't chasing. Eventually they started having a good time again... This is written from his POV after they got back together, so he emphasises the friendship bit at this point...

Just thinking out loud. Maybe I'll run it by my coach, though I want to use the session on action-oriented, forward-looking stuff.

If that's right, then the right answer is still to go dark, and respond appropriately when she contacts. Helpful and decent, but not clingy, and as scarce as practicable.


M:37
W:38
No kids
Together since 2006, Married since 2010
EA discovered 06/07/2014
W moved out 06/08/2014
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