... oh and maybe I got a bit smug at the beginning. She was really asking some questions about the music festival I'm going to, so I thought she was getting jealous. Asking whether the friend that invited me was still single, remarking on how pretty she is, asking who else is going to be there.
That said, she may really be keen to see me move on, and hoping I have a tryst with someone!
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
Asking whether the friend that invited me was still single, remarking on how pretty she is, asking who else is going to be there.
That said, she may really be keen to see me move on, and hoping I have a tryst with someone!
Sorry you are going through all of this. As it was pointed out to me, you might want to avoid any situation where you find yourself involved in a potential "fling" with another person. I invited an ex gf to my 3 year olds birthday party knowing my wife would be there. Yea, it might get your W thinking...but in the end it is not going to benefit you. So in the future I will just avoid any reference to another woman I am associating with, even if only friends. Better to let them just wonder.
Best of luck to you
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
I need to have Sandi's rules tattooed on every part of my body. Just had a conversation with W on the phone. At least it convinced me that I really need a coach now, but I wonder if I messed up too much.
After my somewhat unsuccessful dinner (chronicled above), I decided to start figuring out the practicalities. Genius that I am, I sent her a mail with ideas for apartments she could get and ways we could split marital assets as part of a D.
She ended up calling me just now, a bit upset about bringing up D without having talked about it first. So I apologised, and took it as a sign that she was hesitating and starting to be open to the possibility of working things out. I proceeded to violate all kinds of rules, talking about the future, questioning her reasons for wanting to end the divorce, re-explaining why I was against it, referring to the book... she then accused me of having sent that message to manipulate her, using techniques that I read in a book!
I really thought I had the hang of this. I should be smart enough to do everything right; it's common sense and I was not feeling emotional when she called. I'm just so upset with myself now. I am really close to the precipice. She has reiterated, at the end of the call, that her views are still the same. She does not see herself ever changing her mind.
All I had to do was follow the 37 rules!!!! GRRRRRRRR
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
I need to have Sandi's rules tattooed on every part of my body. Just had a conversation with W on the phone. At least it convinced me that I really need a coach now, but I wonder if I messed up too much.
After my somewhat unsuccessful dinner (chronicled above), I decided to start figuring out the practicalities. Genius that I am, I sent her a mail with ideas for apartments she could get and ways we could split marital assets as part of a D.
She ended up calling me just now, a bit upset about bringing up D without having talked about it first. So I apologised, and took it as a sign that she was hesitating and starting to be open to the possibility of working things out. I proceeded to violate all kinds of rules, talking about the future, questioning her reasons for wanting to end the divorce, re-explaining why I was against it, referring to the book... she then accused me of having sent that message to manipulate her, using techniques that I read in a book!
I really thought I had the hang of this. I should be smart enough to do everything right; it's common sense and I was not feeling emotional when she called. I'm just so upset with myself now. I am really close to the precipice. She has reiterated, at the end of the call, that her views are still the same. She does not see herself ever changing her mind.
All I had to do was follow the 37 rules!!!! GRRRRRRRR
Yeah Ive gotten the same response when I told my W that I didnt want to talk anymore until she was ready to work on the M. She accused me of trying to get a reaction out of her, which I admit I am guilty of doing in the past. This was not one of those times though. Probably not a great idea to even mention the D at all unless you have to talk about it. As far as the quote I highlighted above, thats nothing out of the ordinary and it doesnt mean anything. I wouldnt let that get you down. They all say that. Wish you the best of luck!
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Well tonight I leave for the biggest music fest in the world! Will meet W tonight as she brings back the car, and will stay in the house over the long weekend since it's free.
Last contact was a quick discussion about arrangements. Very factual, by text only.
So priorities are: - NOT talk about relationship - Showcase my nice life - Be nice - not too nice - Get out of the house as soon as I can!
Since I last posted I got a phone coach (overdue a phone call, need to get that booked!), and I've also had a psychological assessment via my health insurance. I will have 5 sessions of holistic therapy initially. Will see how that goes. I have communicated to them that I need to work on identifying, processing and communicating my emotions better. And set better boundaries in life. I think that will help me in future relationships. As much as possible, I will save talking specifically about my marriage for my coaching sessions and this board.
Mood is getting better. But I am very pessimistic about my odds. Everyday I grieve a little for what we used to have. Every object I bought while we were together reminds me of her and the times we won't have again. Really crappy. I must make sure I think about the awesome weekend ahead when I see her, and keep my snide and negative tendencies in check! I am sure she'll try to get information on how I'm feeling and what I've been doing with myself. I'll practice what to say on the ride home tonight...
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
Well, now it's for real. She signed a lease and is moving out next weekend. I truly don't know how I'm going to get through this.
I am more pessimistic than ever. I am starting to even question the LRT. My call with my coach cannot come soon enough.
It's so tempting to make a plea. If the original problem was that I didn't express my feelings, and that we weren't in love, wouldn't a grand gesture mean something? I don't intend on doing it, but I can't help doubting.
She was just here, as she was staying at the apartment for the weekend while I was at a music festival since Thursday. It breaks my heart to see how happy she is. I thought that when I saw her on Thursday she looked sad, was looking away from me. But today she was a lot more upbeat. Maybe she just wasn't interested in talking to me.
I feel like I won't be able to seduce her again. Just now we hardly had anything to talk about. I feel estranged and it's killing me. Truly feel this is it.
Thanks for reading
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
Thank you so much Thornton. I was curious about how recent your own breakup was so I read your thread. Our situations have quite a lot of similarities. I hope things are starting to feel better for you.
I am quite humbled and inspired by how helpful you already are. I should probably start to pay forward too.
This Saturday she is coming to pick up her things. Friends of ours will be helping her.
BTW I haven't yet come across advice on what to do about common friends. I had expressed interest in keeping in touch with a couple we both know. She obviously relayed this to them; she told me they do want to keep in touch and I should do it. She obviously wants to help me through this; I have mixed feelings about that. I don't want to be pitied, I want to show how independent and strong I am! And to be honest, I don't want her to be the big, helpful person on the high road.
Anyway, do you think it's advisable to hang out with our friends, how should I avoid them so as to more fully detach? What topics should I avoid? I would obviously ask for their discretion about anything I share with them, and to not attempt to chase her on my behalf...
What do you think? Everyone welcome to contribute of course.
Thanks
M:37 W:38 No kids Together since 2006, Married since 2010 EA discovered 06/07/2014 W moved out 06/08/2014
There's no right or wrong answer. If you feel comfortable, feel free to hang out with them.
I would avoid R talks with them at all costs though. Just tell them you are thinking things through and leave it at that.
Talk the friends you have that don't know WAW. So there's no chance it will get back to her.
Also, when hanging out with your common friends, stay upbeat. Dont mope. If WAW hears you are hurting, she won't have any reason to come back. Make sense?
