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#2459073 06/10/14 02:53 AM
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Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
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I need some help here. Those of you who have visited may remember my sitch, but here's a quick synopsis followed by my question.

H has filed, we have signed a marriage settlement, the divorce is to be final in late August. H has OW (at least I think he still does). I have been dark for a while, only answering if first contacted. Or only initiating if it is a legal or bill matter. At marriage settlement signing (late April) I was devastated but tried not to show it until he tried to get me to hug him afterward. Told him I couldn't do that - walked away and have not seen him since. We have talked a couple times on the phone but I've tried to keep it to business. Haven't talked to him in two weeks. Been having a very difficult time since the signing - am going to therapy - have deep issues which are causing me to be a bit stuck, but working on it. In two weeks he will be leaving for Spain for a month.

Last night at 10pm I happened to look at my phone, saw I had a missed call at 8pm. Was my H. Voice mail said, "Just calling to say "Hi". I'll talk to you later." What the heck? Why is he calling just to say hi? I don't want to return the call because hearing his voice makes me lose it - the voice mail was bad enough.

I say stay dark. Don't return the call - he didn't ask me to. But I don't want to appear unfriendly. Yet, I think I should just let him call me if he really wants to 'talk.'

Am I right not to call?


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
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Quote:
I say stay dark. Don't return the call - he didn't ask me to. But I don't want to appear unfriendly. Yet, I think I should just let him call me if he really wants to 'talk.'

Am I right not to call?


T, I think you answered your own question. :-)

He knows how to reach you, right? Let him figure it out.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Thanks LB for your response. Geez, it is rather obvious -and how sad is it that the guy can cause me to go through such questioning over a missed PHONE CALL!!!

I feel like I am in the Bermuda Triangle of relationships. On the one hand, I just want him to go away and not contact me anymore. It's all too painful. On the other is that ever so small sliver of hope that he will come back and say this has all been a huge mistake - that he is willing to try. At least give us that chance. But then after what I have witnessed so far, I kind of think he's just not mature enough to handle it.

No matter how you look at it, it really does boil down to taking care of yourself and making your life the best it can be.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
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Quote:
On the one hand, I just want him to go away and not contact me anymore. It's all too painful. On the other is that ever so small sliver of hope that he will come back and say this has all been a huge mistake - that he is willing to try. At least give us that chance.


I don't think this is abnormal thinking at all. My XW quickly rushed into another relationship and wasted no time marrying the OM. Even after all that she has put me through and is remarried, I guess there will always be some very small sliver of hope. I think alot of us will always want what was....or atleast some of us will.

Has there ever been a sitch on this board where the MLCer rushed into a marriage and then woke up and came back? Doubtful but.....

It's funny, I still have a slight bit of hope, but on the other hand, I don't think I COULD take her back in a million years. Kind of weird.


Tad

Last edited by tadpole1025; 06/10/14 06:13 AM.

Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Feb 2014
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Tboned, so good to see you got your new thread up and running smile
That's a "touch and go" I think. They like to just reach out and tug on the rope. Make sure you're still there. I don't know why it is all so complicated. Mine contacts me via email or text every few weeks, you just never know what will happen. I usually respond after a few hours but keep it like talking to a coworker. No expectations. You're right though, it is easier when they leave you alone. Our minds seem to do the most damage. Shake it off and keep on livin' smile


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
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Tad, thanks for your post. Yes, I know what you mean. Even though I think nothing would make me happier than for H to come back and at least try to fix this, there's always that bit of doubt about being able to handle the new reality. I'd like to give it a shot, however, because it could possibly be the thing that propels me into moving on. That's the frustrating thing about all of this - he didn't allow US to make this decision to split.

TL, thanks to you I finally got this thread started. I hope all is going well for you. I've been saying that little mantra of yours every morning and sometimes again later in the day. It does help a little, although I don't feel much resentment towards him,just little bouts of anger and LOTS of cases of 'the misses'. At which point most of the time, my logic kicks in and says, WTF - he's a jerk for leaving someone like you, right now he's not the guy you fell in love with, and he certainly has a lot to figure out for himself. Just let it go. Set him free and if he comes back, deal with it then. In the mean time, I NEED to take care of myself. Something I am not doing a very good job of, IMO, but I am my most harsh critic. My therapist says otherwise -he thinks I'm doing well,but that I have a lot to deal with.
Here's another poem from that book that describes me at the moment:

How I
love you and hate you.

How bound I am to you.
How bound I am to break my bondage.

I want to be free!

I want to be able to
enjoy the day again,

and give me back my nights.

Unfortunately, I think the Phoenix is, at the moment, stuck in the mire!


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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Tboned, I still say the mantra, I still have little bouts of anger once in awhile. My mother is very ill, I was just thinking last night how that effer left me and I was there for him for every horrible thing that happened to him during our marriage and now that I have had bad things happen he's nowhere in sight. Feeling sorry for myself, I wasn't part of the decision to divorce either, then I think - no, i'm not going to play victim here. He probably has his own problems now(obviously) and my problems/worries are now my own, so my only choice is to deal with them. I then say the mantra and move on to other thoughts. It simply is what it is. He's gone. We're divorced, have to keep on living. I do remind myself that I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else. I know it's hard to get unstuck. One minute you think you're doing alright and then you have a bad minute that reminds you of the reality. Stay in the present, focus on you and your needs. You have complete control over that.I made a list of my blessings. I made a list of what I wanted out of life (inner peace!!) I made a list of things I like to do - not what WE liked to do, but just things I've discovered that I like to do now that I'm alone. That was a change for me, I was all about sharing likes, now I've been able to break that co-dependency I think and focus on becoming an individual, a whole person. It's a process. You'll get there. We're growing and learning along the way and it will take time, but what we do with that time is key. I finally started my refi on the house... that's the last thing to do and he'll be out of my life, I do hope he's happy although somehow I doubt it.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Apr 2014
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Yes, ladies, I agree that a big part of my pain is that I didn't have ANY say in getting D or not. My W even started the B-day talk with "You're unhappy, I'm unhappy, why bother trying". So, she decided that I was unhappy all by herself. Not "What can we do to change this state of "unhappiness"", Just that we both should just throw away 25 years and that makes so much sense?

I once read somewhere that if the other person really felt that the reasons they give for wanting out of the R were real, they would notice changes the other S was making and say "Wow, that's great. Maybe it can work after all", NOT "Too little, too late". Proof that we didn't cause them to do this and we can't fix it!

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Once again, TL, thanks for your insight and encouragement. Knew I could count on you! smile Ya, I don't want to play the victim either, but it seems I've sort of fallen into that trap. Well, I think maybe my little toe got stuck, but for the most part I know what's up here. Like I read somewhere before, if you get into some negative thinking and don't get out, you just spiral down making it that much harder to come back up.

Matt, yep, I know it just feels so disrespectful to think that a person who you loved and respected, and who you would never make that kind of decision for, would do that to you. I left my first husband, but at least I warned him first there was a problem, we went to counseling, he wasn't going to change his behavior (alcoholic) so I told him I didn't want to live with it unless he acknowledged that. He didn't think he had a problem, despite being told by the marriage counselor and his parents (but who listens to their parents), so I left.

My current STBX, I never would have expected he wouldn't at least clearly reveal his true feelings long before it was too late. Makes me think maybe he didn't want to fix it then either but was too cowardly to say anything. Oh well, all speculation. Can't change the past - only what you are doing today. Because who knows if we will be here tomorrow!

Hugs to you both!


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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Have had a couple good days, which is a real relief. It has been about a month and a half. Yesterday, before I went to work I got down on my knees and prayed to the universe to take my pain for the day so I would have a good one. And you know what? I had a really good day! Even though work wore me out, I came home, put on my running clothes, and ran further than I ever have. And it felt great!

Got in the hot tub with a small watered down glass of wine, called a friend, spent almost two hours on the phone talking about anything and everything,steamed some broccoli for dinner, then crawled in to bed and slept well.

Woke up today, decided I didn't want to run this morning, so I decided to walk instead - walked two miles up to the pier, two miles home all in one hour and felt great. Been doing a little yard work,phone calls to friends and family. Am excited that I will be spending some time with a very dear friend and her family in a couple of weeks. Next weekend is a benefit concert for our pier, and me and a friend are going to that. It was a great event last year so I'm really looking forward to this year's event.

Gosh, I can't believe how good I feel today!!! Yay!!! I hope I have turned a corner....let me hold on to this feeling.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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Can't say I didn't have times today where I thought about H and sitch, but before I got sad and started to cry, I told myself to STOP and think of things you want to do accomplish today and tomorrow. Also, think about goals for next week. And it worked!

Going to friends house for dinner tonight. Looking forward to that.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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good for you T on the whole stopping and changing focus. That is a good tactic. I hope you enjoyed dinner out. You sound good, that praying every day really really helps me, I still do it, it does give me strength. It still svcks but do whatever works for you to make it through another day and after awhile they start adding up and you start feeling (gasp) happiness!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
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Originally Posted By: TL72*
Tboned, I still say the mantra, I still have little bouts of anger once in awhile. My mother is very ill, I was just thinking last night how that effer left me and I was there for him for every horrible thing that happened to him during our marriage and now that I have had bad things happen he's nowhere in sight. Feeling sorry for myself, I wasn't part of the decision to divorce either, then I think - no, i'm not going to play victim here.

I LOVE READING THIS^^ PROCESS^^^!!! You found yourself falling into the self pitying "victim" pit, and then, you STOPPED yourself!

That's what I call COURAGEOUS WORK! BRAVO! (Clap clap clap!)


He probably has his own problems now(obviously) and my problems/worries are now my own, so my only choice is to deal with them.

Exactly....and "radically simple". B/c it's seem obvious to those not in the situation, that you must make the only healthy choice, ie., deal with what is...so simple and yet some refuse. I also like how you are showing empathy for your spouse too, instead of just harping on them. Again, well done.

I believe once you commit to taking charge of your life (which we were all supposed to do, this whole time!), it absolutely gets better.

How can it not improve, when WE take charge of our lives, and stop staring at someone else to rule us?


I then say the mantra and move on to other thoughts. It simply is what it is. He's gone. We're divorced, have to keep on living. I do remind myself that I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else.

Amen to the statements^^^ and methods used, to IMPLEMENT some detachment and PMA!


I know it's hard to get unstuck. One minute you think you're doing alright and then you have a bad minute that reminds you of the reality. Stay in the present, focus on you and your needs. You have complete control over that.I made a list of my blessings. I made a list of what I wanted out of life (inner peace!!) I made a list of things I like to do - not what WE liked to do, but just things I've discovered that I like to do now that I'm alone. That was a change for me,

^^Smart specific ways to create a more fulfilling life. WELL DONE...I can't wait to see what life has in store for you around the corner if you keep this PMA up...


I was all about sharing likes, now I've been able to break that co-dependency I think and focus on becoming an individual, a whole person. It's a process.

APPLAUSE APPLAUSE^^^!!!!!


You'll get there. We're growing and learning along the way and it will take time, but what we do with that time is key. I finally started my refi on the house... that's the last thing to do and he'll be out of my life, I do hope he's happy although somehow I doubt it.


You're a good woman with a future that I KNOW will have laughter and love in it. Good job, on all counts...seriously.

I hope you'll keep posting, regardless of what happens to your h...YOUR GROWTH is very impressive and

Whenever I've seen someone do the kind of work you are doing, & showing the discipline and self awareness you're showing,

I've always, also seen them become a better, HAPPIER person, in a matter of time. So yeah, it doesn't just "happen".

Well done.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Yep, 25, TL's got this one by the horns. She's a great inspiration to us all, that's for sure.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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Look out, here it comes.

Last night I had a really good journal entry going and my computer connection at the hotel went out just as I hit Submit frown. I was too tired to try and recreate it - oh well. But it wasn't this!!

Today I got angry with my H and how he has handled this whole thing. Finally, some anger! Just got to thinking how maddening it is to see people 'gush' about what a great guy he is, blah, blah, blah, and how he says he is a good person. Well 'great' guys/good people don't do what he has done to their wives. They don't walk out without having communicated to their spouse for years that they were not happy. They don't lie or live a lie to keep the spouse from being hurt because they'd know it hurts a whole lot more the other way around. They don't act like you don't even exist, and they would have a whole lot more respect for the person they've built a life with for 20+ years by being open and honest.

I say no, he is not a good or great guy right now. And I'm really disappointed that none of his friends or family, to my knowledge, have taken him aside and pointed out what a selfish immature person he is being.

Sorry, I'm just so angry right now and sick of how everyone is so afraid to lose their friendship with him because he is so 'fun' to be with. What happened to having friends with dignity and morals. It's like he's this fraternity brother that everyone has fun with and doesn't want to give it up. Gawd, he's so charming - you all would probably fall for it too if you met him. Guess they don't know he uses people until he gets nothing in return. Then you get dumped. You only get his friendship only if he needs you.

Wow, quite the spew for me. I was wondering when the anger part of rebuilding was going to kick in. Now what I do with that anger is the important part. May help with that final sliver of the detachment tendon I haven't been able to cut.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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I refuse to be the victim here. I don't want him to control my life and happiness. I want my power back!!!


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: May 2014
Posts: 207
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T-boned, my feelings exact in my sitch..now she makes me the bad guy, has pulled out every little thing I have ever done wrong and build this case against me that all her friends now say to her "you deserve to be happy....you should just get on with your life...blah blah blah...and it pisses me off big time that everyone can influence her but not the guy who spent 15 years with a women that held it all in and acted as everything was fine until one day leaves...hang in there and keep venting...its good for the soul. Hopefully one day these selfish babies stop for a second and realize what they are actually doing. funny thing is my wife says im selfish because I put my dreams and career infront of my family...well who is the selfish one now?? I got your back T-Boned.


Me: 42
W: 39
D: 2 age 6 and 9
D-Day: Dec 29 13
Seperated: 3/20/14
Mediation retainer : 5/20/14
She filed: 06/25/14
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
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Hi oad,
You're not alone in the blame game. My W at first only heard from everyone that she was crazy to want to leave me. How I've been such a great H. Well, when they would say that she would get ANGRY and freeze them out, tell them to mind their own business. When they would say 'You need to be happy..", then she would gush and thank them for their support! They manipulate everyone and everything around them to justify what they are doing. Anyone who says that they may be wrong they run away from! I'm hearing about things as far back as 20 years ago that justify her actions today! They will think exactly the opposite from how you want them to as you are the bad guy, the M the cause of all that has ever gone wrong in their life.

Heck, I was "wrong" because I spent TOO MUCH time thinking of my family first! These aren't the real "reasons" they are doing anything. They will say and do whatever they need to to be able to justify why they are being selfish. Remember, they can't keep everyone in the dark forever. Once they get what they THINK they want and it turns out that it doesn't change how they "feel" they will either start to see the truth or keep coming up with a way to blame someone or something else. Sooner or later the truth will come out and the people who are so understanding now will start to see what is really happening. Until then all we can do is live with integrity and be the best men/women we can!

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Thanks, Oad for your support. Unfortunately, I don't know what he is saying to others, no one ever wants to tell you. But I'm pretty sure I know what it is. The unfortunate thing is I don't think he realizes that most of the things he's probably blaming me for are things I had no control over. I will take responsibility for some things because this is not all his fault that we are here. And I've told him that. But the thing that just sticks in my craw is he didn't respect me and our marriage enough to give it a chance. That's all. That's all I wanted was a chance.

Matt165 - you're right about the manipulation aspect of their situation. And my H has always been the great manipulator. I've seen him at work. Funny thing is I was apparently so blinded I didn't see him working me - at least that's how I feel right about now. I can't say for sure, but it would fit with everything else. You're right Matt, all we can do is be the best men and women we can - RIGHT ON!

Something TL posted (and I ad lib here): 'There are three things that can't be hidden for long, the sun, the moon, and the truth.' Love it!!


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
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Tbone, it's so true, we don't see them working the charm. They work the crowd and we come off looking like the bad guys. Yes the truth outs in time, but what I'm finding is if they can keep it quiet for long enough no one cares but us,

Just keep your radar on and watch out for the manipulation train, cause when you see it coming you can side step it easily.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
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Posts: 180
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Thanks for your reply, Ggrass. Ya, he's probably hoping to keep it all quiet till no one cares - seems he's got his family all on board not to discuss 'us' with me. My IL's do have contact with me on occasion, but are very cautious about saying anything.

So I'm not so sure the 'train' will be by anytime soon. He's in Spain for a month, our divorce will be final the end of August, and he barely communicates with me as it is. I have been 'dark' for a while, although when he left for his trip last Friday, in a moment of weakness, I did text him, "have a wonderful trip.' We used to have such fun traveling together. He texted back, 'Thank you.' Prior to that, he called me two weeks ago, I didn't answer, didn't hear the phone and he left a message, "just called to say Hi. I'll call you later'. I guess later means, what, a day, a week, a month, a year, 10 years? Just had to tell myself, no expectations - and I really didn't expect him to call back. And he hasn't so far.

Someone called it a 'touch and go' call to see if you are still holding on to the rope. I guess I let him know the answer to that by texting him last week. Geez, when will I ever learn.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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Don't be too hard on yourself T-boned. You responded and that's ok. I still respond every time, I just wait awhile and that's what you did. Haven't heard from my ex in a few weeks and I'm definitely ok with that now. I don't expect to either.
Treat him like a coworker/neighbor next time he does one of those touch n' go's. This trip thing is a great opportunity for you to detach and do more GAL activities and really start finding out more about yourself. I listed what I wanted out of the rest of my life. I listed my interests that were my OWN and not shared. Gave me great direction. Also worked on myself by listing my good attributes (it was a homework assignment from that group I was in) and that bumps up your self worth and confidence. It worked. After such a rejection it takes time to get back your mojo smile There will be good days and bad, after the divorce is final you may find some relief. You can only find inner peace within yourself. Take care - thinkin' about ya!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
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Hey TL, been wondering about you. Checked your thread and hadn't seen anything for a while. I was wondering how your mom is doing, and how you are doing.

Thank you for the words of advice. As always, solid stuff.

Got pretty angry with him the other day and I think I may have found a place in my head I can go to keep from seeing him as the guy I knew, and missing him. I just keep telling myself he hasn't been a good guy about this b/x good guys don't do this to people in the way he went about this. Basically, I think he is a good person, but there's something that has been a problem in his mind/life for a while that caused him to do what he's done. I never wanted to think ill of him, and I don't really, just soooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. Have lost almost all respect and trust with him. Hurts. But I still do the mantra every day. Weird how it's like habit now.

Anyway, something in me has changed I hope. Maybe it's because he is gone for a while and I feel free to 'move about the cabin' of my community and life without having to worry about running in to him and the gf (if they're even still dating).

Just getting on with it. Haven't had a good cry in a number of days which is a relief. Going to spend the weekend with an old high school friend and her family - should be a lot of fun. I'm really looking forward to it.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
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That sounds like a fun weekend! Good for you! I think you will find you cry less often, I know I haven't cried about him for a couple months now, have not heard from him in 3 weeks I think. There are little reminders, when I see a truck like his for a split second I think it's him but then it passes and I think about other things. I turn off music that reminds me of him still but it doesn't eff with my head like it did before. Too much other stuff going on in my mind lately anyway. My cat escaped, trying to find her. Now I may only have 2. Yeah I hear ya on that "good person" statement. I still believe my ex is a good person inside and he did what he felt he had to do. Just took me some time to catch up emotionally and mentally because I didn't know that's what he was going to do. They have us at a disadvantage. Now I feel caught up, no longer emotionally investing in the dead relationship. What a relief! Letting go and forgiving.... myself and him. It's really life changing but now I see it as all positive. I would not want to relive that pain ever, but now I see it as part of my journey and it all it makes me who I am today. A stronger more independent woman. I was reading through my old journal entries last night and just wow! You can see the thought process and some changes taking place. It was only a few months ago but I have some drastic changes that happened. Yeah I agree on the disappointment and loss of respect and trust. I still say the mantra too. Not as often as I did but i'm not feeling that anger/resentment anymore either. Now it just is what it is. smile have a great weekend!!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
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Posts: 180
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Do you think the finalization of the divorce helped you along? Cuz you seem to have zipped right through this stunningly!

P.S. How's your mom.....


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
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YES I do think that it helped. It gave me closure if that makes sense. On D day it was just like any other day. Of course I thought about it but it was the ending of something and also the beginning of something else.New possibilities and opportunities, I now feel like he did me a favor. A very painful process but I've grown, learned a lot, still learning. We all climb the mountain at a different pace and I guess I ran up the darn thing. Take it as slow as you need to - at the most comfortable pace for you. I still pull out my rebuilding book and read my highlights, i even read it twice and highlighted different things in a different color because as you grow and change, different things stand out as you work through different blocks. I'm trying to keep myself out of the victim triangle, no longer trying to "fix" or "rescue" in any area of my life. I am responsible for my own feelings and happiness. No one can make you feel a certain way, they don't have that control over you, only you do. I mean you feel what you feel but no person makes you. It's our own choice. I choose to live in the present. I am who I am because of my past experiences but I'm not going to let the past get me stuck. Trying not to anyway smile I am rambling. I think you're doing really well Tboned and are well on your way to being whole on your own.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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Thank you, TL. I appreciate your support more than you'll ever know. Yes, the rejection and abandonment have certainly made me feel like I no longer want to talk to or see him - had a brief little moment this afternoon but no crying - then I reminded myself why I've lost my respect and trust for him and I felt like I regained control.

Just got back from spending the weekend with my friend and her family. It was a great weekend, and I just texted her how spending time with her again has renewed me and made me feel more whole again. It's a good feeling - I think I'm almost there.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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I understand the concept of not believing anything the MLC/WAS says, that's easy, but the only 'believing half of what they do' part is a little confusing. What's a good example? Like, where does my H trip to Spain fit in, or that he got a female, married roommate? Not feeling too bright at the moment.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2010
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Quote:
'believing half of what they do' part is a little confusing. What's a good example?


I may not have this quite right, and I agree it is a tricky one. In general what people DO is a clearer indicator of their inner reality than what they say.

But with MLCers they are confused and they want to reshape reality to fit their own notions, which are emotional and shifting.

So your spouse went to Spain, but you will probably never know WHY. The roommate might appear to be the love of their life, but if you read WishingHoping's thread, already her xh's relationship seems a little sour. Their behaviours in MLC are inconsistent, erratic, and often frenetic. They are searching for something,

However, sometimes in their craziness they will do things that are real and authentic. My crazy xh is currently making a home for himself - even though he is about to remarry. This place is for him, and I see it as a good thing for him to be doing. That might sound patronising. But I think it is a part of establishing in a real way his new identity, and grounding him.

We have to be careful though not to interpret things the way we want to see them.

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Thank you, B, for answering. I agree it is tricky.

Who am I kidding - I know why my H went to Spain, because he likes and has always wanted to travel. We went to Italy two years ago and loved it. Thinking back I had given him a card after the trip saying how much I loved our trip together and was so looking forward to the next one. Little did I know he had already shut me out and I would never be traveling with him again. I guess I'm just grabbing at straws by twisting what he is doing as something crazy in order to make myself feel better about all this. I'm beginning to think he's doing everything right for himself and I am stuck here trying to get over the loss of our marriage. I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

As far as the roommate, by getting one he is saving money on rent, just extra money to use to get himself out of debt and do this traveling. This way he can go away and have someone in the house to watch over things. I don't know how long this will last - I don't think she is any love interest.

It's all so screwed up - I'd like to think he's crazy but I'm beginning to think it's me. I was doing so well this last week and now I'm having one of those nights where I feel so alone.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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I realize being the 'dumpee' I have some catching up to do as far as letting go in comparison to the 'dumper', but it is so frustrating to imagine how well they seem to be doing in their life when you are sitting in the pits of grief. I guess this is why all the vets tell us here to quit 'mind reading?' It is so difficult to do - our minds really are so powerful and can sidetrack us if we let them. Takes so much of my energy every day not to mind read or think about what he is doing. I'll admit it, I'm still weak. But I also wonder if I feel comfortable in this state because most of my life I've felt very similar. The only time I have felt truly happy was when I met, dated, and married H. I thought all things were possible. The sun seemed to have broken through the clouds and I could view life a little more clearly.

This probably explains why I am having such a hard time with this - I may still have lots to deal with from my past life pre-H.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
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Tboned - I discovered that about myself as well - stuff to deal with from the past life pre-H. We have our own FOO issues ya know? I started thinking back about the first marriage I had and how when I remarried I had changed nothing, I didn't heal or do any work at all - that's why I feel like this time I've done the work on myself, the one thing that I can control smile He may seem like he's doing well but that may not be true. In my sitch I thought that too - he was obviously acting like he was happier than he'd been in his entire life when he left me, but he now spews venom and I can tell he's not happy at all. I decided to be responsible for my role in this and he's only placing blame. It's up to them to discover that they are also responsible for their actions and themselves. It is hard to stop the mindreading but you can do it. At some point I figured out that it didn't matter what he was doing because it was no longer my business, and it changed nothing. Even if you know what he's doing or thinking it changes nothing in your sitch. Only you can change it by doing your GAL stuff and changing focus. Focus on you, you're awesome, you will find new things and people that make you happy. It does take awhile to get through the grief, there will always be reminders but it does get better. thinkin about you - have a nice 4th ((hugs)))


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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Thank you so much, TL. But I don't know what FOO means yet. I'm usually real quick to figure these acronyms out, but not this one. I'm missing something.

Anyway,I too was married once before but was the 'dumper.' First H had a problem with alcohol and some recreational drug use. At least I told him I was having a problem with it, and was getting attention from other men and liking it, so I suggested we go to counseling to try and nip all this in the bud. We did....go to counseling. But the MC told my XH he was an alcoholic - XH said he wasn't. Wasn't going to admit it, therefore wasn't going to do anything about it. We went for a few more sessions, XH wouldn't go after a while - I kept on, and decided I couldn't live life that way. At least I was honest and gave my XH fair and early warning because I still respected and loved my XH (he's a really nice guy), and valued my commitment to him. Something my current, STBX,seems incapable of. And because I once was a dumper, a 'good' one at that (you'll know what I mean), that's why I can't understand why my STBX handled this the way he did. I am not an alcoholic, drug addict, slacker, woman of ill repute, etc....But I digress.

I am working on myself especially through past issues of abandonment with my therapist. I guess it's just a slow process and I have a lot to deal with. And, like everyone else, we want instant results. I just lost it last night and some this morning thinking about and feeling very alone. At least I'm not crying all day like in the beginning. I have been busy with a couple of things today like work, and posting a piece of furniture on Craigslist. And I am doing GAL things - going with a friend up to Chico for a beer festival in a couple of weeks, and I just spent time with friends at a beach house last weekend. All great fun. And I am getting my nerve up to maybe take some sort of dance class only my work schedule is so unpredictable which generally screws that up. But I won't give up. I will find something.

I've never been a terribly social person; I have my small group of old and good friends (two I've known for 50+ years)and they are always there for me but live a ways away. One lives in Yosemite so it gives me a good reason to go up there on occasion! Unfortunately, the two local friends have had a bit of a falling out,so I will let go of that until they can come to some agreement. I don't have time for the drama. I can see both sides; they both need to take a breath and compromise, and I have told them as much.

Just wish I could find that thing that brings out the passion in me. I've been told to be patient - it will show itself but you have to try things in order to find it.

You know, just some days are better than others.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Mar 2014
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Hi T-boned! I totally get you when you are having a hard time trying to find what your new passion is...I'm having same issue. I took forever trying to get 10 to-do's in my bucket list. But that's a start. Have you tried to put a bucket list together?


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Hey cczamo, I did start one a couple of years ago but that was before all this happened the past year. Obviously, that list will probably be much different now. So no, I have not done one now that my life has taken such a drastic turn. I thank you for reminding me to do this - I think it's a great way to try and help find that passion. Right now, there's just this huge void that needs to be filled.

Have thought a lot recently about volunteering, trying it out with different groups until I find one I really enjoy. So I guess that could be one of the first. I'm afraid I'm a lot like you, I may be hard pressed to write down 10, but will try!

Thanks for the post. It feels so good to see when someone has stopped by. Someone suggested quite a while back how great it would be to have everyone who posts within this forum to meet at some convention hall so we could all meet one another. To add to that, I would suggest we'd all listen to a couple speakers and/or have a panel discussion, question/answer period as well. Make it a two or three day event!

I hope all is going as well as it can be for you - gotta get over to your thread and see what's happening.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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I had hoped Sandi would stop by here, I wanted to ask her a question about the friend situation for the women who are LBS. I take it the words she gave to Oad about this applies to us women too? Makes total sense. Why should I have to settle for a lesser position or grovel for crumbs? After being disrespected like that??? I think it's just a way for him to be okay with what he has done - clears him of the guilt. If the case were that we had mutually agreed on this divorce, then I say, heck yes, let's be friends.

I think I just answered my own question. blush


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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I feel like I am getting my power back - the power to take back my dignity. Feels good . .


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
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Hey Tboned,
you sound great today - keep that up!! It does feel good to get your power back!! You are worth it. Only you are in control of your own happiness smile The FOO issues is "family of origin" meaning your childhood and family upbringing. We watch and learn from our family. I watched and learned a lot of not so good traits from mine. I did get a lot of good things too though. The good outweighs the bad and I am able to "see" it now and self correct. For instance you can think about your main parent - for me it was my mother because my father worked all the time so she is the one I most interacted with. Think about how that person reacted or responded to situations - anger, guilt, celebration, etc. I wrote down the way she dealt with each thing (i.e. when she was angry she would scream, yell, throw things) and then next to it did a list of how I deal with those things and saw such a close comparison. There were things I knew I did not want to be like her on and I have been trying to change that about myself. Some things are so deeply seeded it is hard to change but I do acknowledge what exists and then just try when it comes up to respond in a new way, a healthier way. Does that make sense? I know what you mean about finding your passion. It took me a long time to figure out what to do with myself. I made a list (it was short) of things I like to do and then tried to figure out what I could do with those and just experiment. I ended up playing pool which was not on the list but it's a lot of fun for me. Dogs/animals is on my list and volunteering for a local animal shelter is a good way to help and also meet some really nice people. Pretty hard to do when you like animals so much and that's a hard place to be around animals. I did some remote volunteer work because they always need help with pictures, facebook pages, signs, etc. I'm not a social person either, but have developed new friendships that never would have happened had I not gotten divorced. It forces you to go outside your comfort zone. I found that to be a good thing, helps you to grow when you try new things and face some fears. Little things even like banana peppers on pizza... i just knew i didn't like those but when i thought about it I remembered I never actually tried it. So I tried it and it wasn't bad at all smile Living in the now, opening up to new experiences, life is short. Trying something new and deciding then if it's worth doing it again or move on to something else. We learn from each experience, even the little things. You are going to find tremendous strength in yourself and already have. You got this! smile


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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Hey TL, thanks for the post. Yes, my FOO (now I know what that means - read it in the Rebuilding book - just hadn't gotten that far when you mentioned it the first time)also taught me some not so great things. But many good things too. Mostly from my dad who I adored. My mom was really never meant to be a mom. She would have been better as a career woman. Even though my mom was my main parent (she divorced my dad), I didn't spend much time around her. But I did observe her reactions to things and most times it was not good. I never wanted to live my life like that and I made the choice early on not to. Can't say I escaped all her influence, but I didn't listen much to her advice. Yes, it makes sense to identify those undesirable things you may have acquired and make a concerted effort to find another way of responding. Makes total sense.

I finally sat down and wrote a list of things I would like to do and places I would like to visit. Funny, I never thought taking a calculus class would be on a bucket list but I do love math. Just never had to take it while in college. I also want to take a woodworking class so I can rebuild this cool wood chair I bought many years ago that was a little rotted to begin with. I had separated out all the parts, put em in a plastic container and was looking to get it redone by someone. Maybe that someone will be me!

I feel like I am almost completely detached. I guess the true test will be once my H gets back from his trip and we have to see one another for the first time in several months. But right now I am enjoying where my head is. I feel in control of myself emotionally.

Next Monday I have to go to the oncologist for a 6 month check up - I just hope nothing cropped up after all I have been through this past year. Stress isn't good for keeping cancer at bay. But I'm not going to worry about anything until there is something to worry about. Trying to follow that strategy in all facets of my life.

Decided I'm going to concentrate more on my health and diet now that I have some space in my head for it. Detaching helps in so many ways!
Quote:
Trying something new and deciding then if it's worth doing it again or move on to something else. We learn from each experience, even the little things.
I like the concept. Will incorporate! Thank you for your wisdom.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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You're awesome T-boned. You sound like you're doing great.
You should be really proud of yourself. Good luck at your appointment, hope all goes well. I hear ya on the health and diet - I lost about 30 pounds in 3 months after BD. totally unhealthy but I really couldn't do anything about it, now I can. I'm maintaining the weight loss (because I needed it) and am finally at my normal good weight. I feel happy in this body but I need more veggies. Already exercising but want to add a few things and get into a new routine of healthy eating. will work on that now. refi closed last night and that was the last step I had for this whole D. Now I have closure and the house is all mine. I feel so happy about that. smile Keep up the good work, no expectations when he comes back from his trip smile


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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Hey just checking in on you to see how you're doing!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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Hey TL, sorry you just experienced my submarine trick.

I'd like to say I'm doing well, but lately not so much. I've been crying every day for the past few days ever since I knew he had returned from his trip. I miss him so much. I ache for him. And then yesterday I was on my way to a benefit event in a friend's car, and guess who was in front of us? Yep. He was on his way to the OW place,I'm pretty sure since that was the way to her home. He didn't see me and probably wouldn't have recognized me anyway because of the car.

I was so looking forward to working the event as a way to keep my mind off things, but the universe threw this at me. My poor friend . . . we were having this good conversation and then I went silent. My friend knew I was hurting - she knew us, went to our wedding etc....

Anyway, all through the event I tried to change my frame of mind, and in some cases succeeded, but for the most part I felt like I was so outside of life. Just existing - no feeling.

I guess I'm still deep in grieving . . . it has been almost year. I feel like it is a little different grief now -I know some of it is rooted in past losses, but I guess just acknowledging those losses isn't enough. I still have to deal with them apparently.

I've lost my best friend; that hurts. But maybe I'll find some help in knowing that I just have to accept this for now and hope that life will bring me something different by the choices I make. Personal growth is definitely not easy or pleasant at times.

Anyway, his return and being in the area, coupled with our divorce being final on the 29th and all that represents, has me on the ropes right now. I'm still running but cry while I run and/or do my floor exercises. Thought I could see the light at the end of the tunnel but the light has disappeared for the time being. Marathon . . .


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 242
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T-boned - I hope you're having a better day today. We're on a similar timetable, but I am just now moving into (being dragged into, actually) mediation, after 1 year almost exactly. I lost my best friend too. It keeps hitting me when i least expect it. Like you, when I'm out walking or running, I often wear sunglasses so no one can tell what's going on behind them. Hang in there. The low points pass, and the more of them you get past, the stronger you will feel. As my friend told me: You are braver, smarter, and stronger than you think you are!


Me 53, XH 57
M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids
BD June '13
H moved out July '13
Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14
H filed for D Nov. '14
D March '15
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Thank you, LiveNow. Yes, I was doing so well for a while there - thought I had it licked this time, but knew not to count on it too much. Too many times throughout this year I thought I had it, but knew to expect the drop from the top of the wave (coaster). Ya, I wear dark glasses too.

Saw my therapist today, and he told me point blank (said he was speaking as someone other than a therapist) that my H was a d_ck. Something my friends have been telling me but I thought they were just being supportive and attempting to make me feel better. My therapist used to counsel each of us separately and as a couple, so he knows us both very well. Referred H to a different therapist but kept seeing me. Said he couldn't support what my H had done to me so he felt he couldn't be objective with him. Also said that H is not fixing himself - he's just going to repeat the pattern again with the OW and may never figure it out. Made me feel better hearing it from my therapist. My STBX is a charmer, but also not very authentic. I just am one of the casualties.

Sorry about the mediation - I had to be dragged in to it too, but I made H pay for it all. Told him since he wanted this divorce, and I didn't, he has to pay for it. That it wasn't a mutual agreement but something forced upon me and I didn't appreciate someone making such a life changing (shattering) decision for me in which I had no say. Where do they get off? And then they want to be friends. How ridiculous is that?

Anyway, thank you again LiveNow for your support. It has been a long year, hasn't it? I will read your posts tomorrow night so I can get caught up with you. I need to go to bed. But you hang in there too, my friend. We will make it. (((())))


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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I'm sorry Tboned that you are hurting right now. Feel the grief and allow time for it, YOU are growing and changing whether you feel that way or not. This is about you now, your journey, he's on his own. I'm glad your therapist was blunt with you on that, sort of validates you - it's not you, it's him. Keep doing your GAL activities and try to live in the present. Let the past go and take some time to work through the grief each day. It does slowly get easier. Each time you feel like you are backsliding, it gets easier to get up and back on the horse so to speak. You will find your grief appearing still but in shorter bouts. faster recovery times, eventually you'll feel whole again. Forgiveness - of yourself and him - is important. Take care of yourself, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there are great things in store for you. Thinking of you smile


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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Tboned, I'm hugging you, too. (((tboned))) I cant imagine how I'd feel in the same situation behind my exH's car knowing where "she" lived. Since exH moved out in early May, I dont look into what he's doing with any friends, or with OW, or at his fb page or her fb page, or even my former stepdaughters fb pages.(i just send them snail mail notes and cards occasionally). It only hurts me to know his social life, and ignorance is bliss in this regard. I live in a big city (Dallas) so it's easy enough to 'keep my head down' as to his whereabouts.

Perhaps you should try to think of him perpetually being "on vacation" away somewhere.? Especially if you dont share kids together? Then that way, you'll not even think it might be him if you see a car like his "used to be.?"


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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TL and cczamo, thank you for your posts,support and hugs as always! It's soooo appreciated. I do have replies, but I just got home, haven't had dinner, it's 9pm and I have a busy day tomorrow. However, I should get home earlier so I will carve out some time to answer. My love to you guys!!!


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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cc I found myself agreeing with your words and nodding my head - in regards to the "I don't look into what he's doing with any friends, or with OW, or at his fb page..." exactly, it only hurts to find things out and I stopped looking months ago and it helps tremendously with healing imo. One time a few weeks ago I did glance at something on fb, we're not "friends" but I could see his posts on a community page, that only made me think of him for a few hours and I don't want to waste my energy on that. Since the tantrum though I blocked him so I can no longer see anything and he can't see mine either and that just feels right to me. Your comments about him being on vacation are right on too - it's easier to think something like that- I told myself he was just at work on the road, he used to leave all week for work so in the beginning it was easier to think he was just off on job site. Eventually I was able to adapt and just accept he was gone but it was helpful at the time. Now I do that with my mom's passing, it feels like she's just on vacation and out of the country or something. I go to her house (my brother lives there) and she's just not home. I am probably in denial still but it keeps me from feeling too bad about it. I still think of the ex every time I see a truck like his, hoping that fades away too. It is interesting to read others posts and see how we all go through such similar feelings and pathways. I see people that just had a recent bomb drop and think "oh I feel for you" because I've been there, I don't wish that on anyone. Then a little later you're going through a different phase of this and I can remember being there too. I'm not at the year mark yet but it feels like over a year. It was the longest winter of my life and summer definitely felt like an awakening for me. I know i'm lucky my divorce is over and I hope that the worst is behind me and moving forward is up to me - happiness, my own happiness, is up to me and completely in my control. sorry to take over your thread with my ramblings. CCzamo I definitely see you have detached and are doing so well! Tboned, hope you were out having fun and enjoying yourself. I don't spend much time here anymore but I do like to check up on you ladies. laugh


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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TBoned and TL72, I too, go through periods of being positive and thinking, "I got this" and am glad the sadness and pain are behind me. Or so I thought. But then something unexpected happens, like with you being behind H's car, and WHAM, I'm two steps back. Shedding tears and licking wounds I'd thought were healing. It's less often, but still does happen.

Sorry to post this in your page, Tboned, but this struck me as being a recovery of CHOICES, mostly, and I choose to keep making myself take a positive step forward every time I have the WHAM-two-steps-back experience.


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


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Thanks TL and cc. I'm not even on FB, but I know he is and his GF is. So that is not an option and I have been pretty good about not 'looking' for anything. I always figured it would be better to just keep my eyes straight ahead. Not that I don't desperately want to look at his FB page to see what he's posting - I could go through my friend across the street and I think she looks at his stuff, but she's been good about not tempting me with it.

My therapist had me do an interesting exercise. Two columns - one with all his good traits, the other all the less desirable traits. Then draw a figure of him and fill it with both the good and 'bad' traits. Look at that and see if that is what you want to go back to. I have to say, the less desirable traits (lying, faking it, not honoring vows and a few other things)kind of overshadowed the good traits.

Got the divorce papers in the mail yesterday - Aug 25th we're done. Makes me sad he couldn't be a mature man about all this. Now it's some other womans's problem. Maybe they'll be good together. I really hope he does find happiness. But I also hope he regrets leaving, something tells me he won't though. Oh well.... Move on.

Thanks again, cc and TL.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
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I remember getting that letter in the mail too and it is sad.
For me it offered a closure date though. I think I was thinking about it less and less after it was final. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it, just not as often and not in the same context. Sounds like a good exercise that your therapist told you about. I hear ya on the "mature man" bit - just don't think they're capable of that right now, maybe not ever again. Hard to say. He probably does have regrets but that's his feelings and none of your business. laugh I mean that with love of course, just sayin' you have to stop emotionally investing in a dead relationship. These are just things I say to myself to help me keep moving forward. The past is the past now, I figure if I keep telling myself that it will eventually be so laugh. I'll be thinking of ya. Make plans for that date to have a celebration, your new freedom, becoming a whole person on your own, pamper yourself that day.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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To anyone who may remember me, I dropped out for quite a while. Moving on. It has been very difficult but I just had the other shoe drop the other day. Ex-H tells me he's getting married this June to the woman he started dating in Dec'13 - proposed to her this past Thanksgiving - not even a year having known her. And they plan to adopt a child right away (mind you she has two children ages 10 & 13). It's insane.Should be interesting to watch.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 110
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T-boned, I do remember you, and hope you are doing okay after your exH married last month (June 2015). My exH also married his OW in April, 5 months after her divorce and only 9 months after our divorce. I'm at least glad for the closure.
Please take care of yourself.

I guess TL72 is doing okay.....?


M 56 H 52
M 13.5 T 15
S 28 twinStep Ds 24
ILYBNILWY BD 1/5/14 OW 4/11/14
Divorce petition efiled 5/5/14
Divorce final 7/8/14


Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 564
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T-boned so sorry you have to deal with more fall out. I am fortunate that H lives cross country and is NC with me and our children. It used to upset me but it sure makes my life easier day to day. I mean they could tell people they're married for all I know. As longest the support is deposited I am invisible.

It is sad but sounds like you are that beautiful Phoenix. Stay strong and know many people keep you in pray and are cheering you on. You deserve all the best in life. Let XH build a life on sand and lies. It will never stand strong.

Thanks for posting. Stay on the best path for you.


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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Thank you, 123Gwen. What a surprise to check here after so many months and find a couple of posts! Thank you for your kind words, they made my day.
If it weren't so late, I'd get myself caught up with you and your sitch but I'm just about to climb into bed. Hopefully, tomorrow night I will have some time to return and check out your journey through the madness.
I am so sorry you had to go through this, too.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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Hey cczamo! I remember seeing your name quite often, and that we had some back and forth over the last couple of years.
Thank you for posting - it made my day (also got one from 123Gwen). I never expected to hear from anyone.
Turns out XH got married in May - they had to move it up so a family member could make it out for the big event.
ACKK, they even registered for wedding presents!! Here she is doing very well financially with her real estate business, driving a BMW SUV, and him with his half of our home equity and they're both close to 50! Registering for silverware, bedsheets, place settings, knives,wine glasses, coffeemaker, etc...oh the list goes on - it was disgusting and embarrassing to see. So immature and selfish. Not like they were 22 with no money and nothing to call their own. Oh well, they deserve each other.
I've come to think he is really just a, for lack of a better word, gold-digger. Looking back on things, I even think I was a victim. Some of my family members and friends feel the same way. I don't even want to talk to or see him anymore. I tried really hard to be 'grown up' and accepting of all this, but I now see him in a different light. I cannot be downgraded to 'friend' after being his wife, especially since this was not a mutual decision. So he's lost me for good. I just hope one day he realizes what he left behind once all the glitter of this relationship wears off. I hope she got a pre-nup (glad I did)- she's gonna need it.....


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
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cczamo - sorry I got so caught up in my rant, but I did want to mention TL72 - I have not heard from her in quite a while. I posted to her a while back but never got a reply. I think she checks in periodically, but think she is doing so well she doesn't need this site much anymore. I'll bet she's fine! She seemed to really have her head on straight. But I miss her...


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Dec 2012
Posts: 2,202
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Hey T, I remember you. It is good to “hear” from you. I cannot believe your xh did the wedding registry thing. I don’t know anyone who would be this age (almost 50) and do that like some new weds in their 20th. This is totally weird. It makes me think that they are living in a bubble. I guess people would do anything to keep the excitement going, LOL. Looks like house of cards that is ready to crumble any time.

I hope you are taking care of yourself.


M:50
H:52
S28 (my S from previous marriage)
M:17 + 3
BD: 06/12
S: 06/12 - H works in another state
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