Phoenix slowly rising

[T-boned]

Thank you, B, for answering. I agree it is tricky.

Who am I kidding - I know why my H went to Spain, because he likes and has always wanted to travel. We went to Italy two years ago and loved it. Thinking back I had given him a card after the trip saying how much I loved our trip together and was so looking forward to the next one. Little did I know he had already shut me out and I would never be traveling with him again. I guess I'm just grabbing at straws by twisting what he is doing as something crazy in order to make myself feel better about all this. I'm beginning to think he's doing everything right for himself and I am stuck here trying to get over the loss of our marriage. I'm having a hard time accepting the fact that he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

As far as the roommate, by getting one he is saving money on rent, just extra money to use to get himself out of debt and do this traveling. This way he can go away and have someone in the house to watch over things. I don't know how long this will last - I don't think she is any love interest.

It's all so screwed up - I'd like to think he's crazy but I'm beginning to think it's me. I was doing so well this last week and now I'm having one of those nights where I feel so alone.

[T-boned]

I realize being the 'dumpee' I have some catching up to do as far as letting go in comparison to the 'dumper', but it is so frustrating to imagine how well they seem to be doing in their life when you are sitting in the pits of grief. I guess this is why all the vets tell us here to quit 'mind reading?' It is so difficult to do - our minds really are so powerful and can sidetrack us if we let them. Takes so much of my energy every day not to mind read or think about what he is doing. I'll admit it, I'm still weak. But I also wonder if I feel comfortable in this state because most of my life I've felt very similar. The only time I have felt truly happy was when I met, dated, and married H. I thought all things were possible. The sun seemed to have broken through the clouds and I could view life a little more clearly.

This probably explains why I am having such a hard time with this - I may still have lots to deal with from my past life pre-H.

[TL72*]

Tboned - I discovered that about myself as well - stuff to deal with from the past life pre-H. We have our own FOO issues ya know? I started thinking back about the first marriage I had and how when I remarried I had changed nothing, I didn't heal or do any work at all - that's why I feel like this time I've done the work on myself, the one thing that I can control He may seem like he's doing well but that may not be true. In my sitch I thought that too - he was obviously acting like he was happier than he'd been in his entire life when he left me, but he now spews venom and I can tell he's not happy at all. I decided to be responsible for my role in this and he's only placing blame. It's up to them to discover that they are also responsible for their actions and themselves. It is hard to stop the mindreading but you can do it. At some point I figured out that it didn't matter what he was doing because it was no longer my business, and it changed nothing. Even if you know what he's doing or thinking it changes nothing in your sitch. Only you can change it by doing your GAL stuff and changing focus. Focus on you, you're awesome, you will find new things and people that make you happy. It does take awhile to get through the grief, there will always be reminders but it does get better. thinkin about you - have a nice 4th ((hugs)))

[T-boned]

Thank you so much, TL. But I don't know what FOO means yet. I'm usually real quick to figure these acronyms out, but not this one. I'm missing something.

Anyway,I too was married once before but was the 'dumper.' First H had a problem with alcohol and some recreational drug use. At least I told him I was having a problem with it, and was getting attention from other men and liking it, so I suggested we go to counseling to try and nip all this in the bud. We did....go to counseling. But the MC told my XH he was an alcoholic - XH said he wasn't. Wasn't going to admit it, therefore wasn't going to do anything about it. We went for a few more sessions, XH wouldn't go after a while - I kept on, and decided I couldn't live life that way. At least I was honest and gave my XH fair and early warning because I still respected and loved my XH (he's a really nice guy), and valued my commitment to him. Something my current, STBX,seems incapable of. And because I once was a dumper, a 'good' one at that (you'll know what I mean), that's why I can't understand why my STBX handled this the way he did. I am not an alcoholic, drug addict, slacker, woman of ill repute, etc....But I digress.

I am working on myself especially through past issues of abandonment with my therapist. I guess it's just a slow process and I have a lot to deal with. And, like everyone else, we want instant results. I just lost it last night and some this morning thinking about and feeling very alone. At least I'm not crying all day like in the beginning. I have been busy with a couple of things today like work, and posting a piece of furniture on Craigslist. And I am doing GAL things - going with a friend up to Chico for a beer festival in a couple of weeks, and I just spent time with friends at a beach house last weekend. All great fun. And I am getting my nerve up to maybe take some sort of dance class only my work schedule is so unpredictable which generally screws that up. But I won't give up. I will find something.

I've never been a terribly social person; I have my small group of old and good friends (two I've known for 50+ years)and they are always there for me but live a ways away. One lives in Yosemite so it gives me a good reason to go up there on occasion! Unfortunately, the two local friends have had a bit of a falling out,so I will let go of that until they can come to some agreement. I don't have time for the drama. I can see both sides; they both need to take a breath and compromise, and I have told them as much.

Just wish I could find that thing that brings out the passion in me. I've been told to be patient - it will show itself but you have to try things in order to find it.

You know, just some days are better than others.

[cczamo]

Hi T-boned! I totally get you when you are having a hard time trying to find what your new passion is...I'm having same issue. I took forever trying to get 10 to-do's in my bucket list. But that's a start. Have you tried to put a bucket list together?

[T-boned]

Hey cczamo, I did start one a couple of years ago but that was before all this happened the past year. Obviously, that list will probably be much different now. So no, I have not done one now that my life has taken such a drastic turn. I thank you for reminding me to do this - I think it's a great way to try and help find that passion. Right now, there's just this huge void that needs to be filled.

Have thought a lot recently about volunteering, trying it out with different groups until I find one I really enjoy. So I guess that could be one of the first. I'm afraid I'm a lot like you, I may be hard pressed to write down 10, but will try!

Thanks for the post. It feels so good to see when someone has stopped by. Someone suggested quite a while back how great it would be to have everyone who posts within this forum to meet at some convention hall so we could all meet one another. To add to that, I would suggest we'd all listen to a couple speakers and/or have a panel discussion, question/answer period as well. Make it a two or three day event!

I hope all is going as well as it can be for you - gotta get over to your thread and see what's happening.

[T-boned]

I had hoped Sandi would stop by here, I wanted to ask her a question about the friend situation for the women who are LBS. I take it the words she gave to Oad about this applies to us women too? Makes total sense. Why should I have to settle for a lesser position or grovel for crumbs? After being disrespected like that??? I think it's just a way for him to be okay with what he has done - clears him of the guilt. If the case were that we had mutually agreed on this divorce, then I say, heck yes, let's be friends.

I think I just answered my own question.

[T-boned]

I feel like I am getting my power back - the power to take back my dignity. Feels good . .

[TL72*]

Hey Tboned,
you sound great today - keep that up!! It does feel good to get your power back!! You are worth it. Only you are in control of your own happiness The FOO issues is "family of origin" meaning your childhood and family upbringing. We watch and learn from our family. I watched and learned a lot of not so good traits from mine. I did get a lot of good things too though. The good outweighs the bad and I am able to "see" it now and self correct. For instance you can think about your main parent - for me it was my mother because my father worked all the time so she is the one I most interacted with. Think about how that person reacted or responded to situations - anger, guilt, celebration, etc. I wrote down the way she dealt with each thing (i.e. when she was angry she would scream, yell, throw things) and then next to it did a list of how I deal with those things and saw such a close comparison. There were things I knew I did not want to be like her on and I have been trying to change that about myself. Some things are so deeply seeded it is hard to change but I do acknowledge what exists and then just try when it comes up to respond in a new way, a healthier way. Does that make sense? I know what you mean about finding your passion. It took me a long time to figure out what to do with myself. I made a list (it was short) of things I like to do and then tried to figure out what I could do with those and just experiment. I ended up playing pool which was not on the list but it's a lot of fun for me. Dogs/animals is on my list and volunteering for a local animal shelter is a good way to help and also meet some really nice people. Pretty hard to do when you like animals so much and that's a hard place to be around animals. I did some remote volunteer work because they always need help with pictures, facebook pages, signs, etc. I'm not a social person either, but have developed new friendships that never would have happened had I not gotten divorced. It forces you to go outside your comfort zone. I found that to be a good thing, helps you to grow when you try new things and face some fears. Little things even like banana peppers on pizza... i just knew i didn't like those but when i thought about it I remembered I never actually tried it. So I tried it and it wasn't bad at all Living in the now, opening up to new experiences, life is short. Trying something new and deciding then if it's worth doing it again or move on to something else. We learn from each experience, even the little things. You are going to find tremendous strength in yourself and already have. You got this!

[T-boned]

Hey TL, thanks for the post. Yes, my FOO (now I know what that means - read it in the Rebuilding book - just hadn't gotten that far when you mentioned it the first time)also taught me some not so great things. But many good things too. Mostly from my dad who I adored. My mom was really never meant to be a mom. She would have been better as a career woman. Even though my mom was my main parent (she divorced my dad), I didn't spend much time around her. But I did observe her reactions to things and most times it was not good. I never wanted to live my life like that and I made the choice early on not to. Can't say I escaped all her influence, but I didn't listen much to her advice. Yes, it makes sense to identify those undesirable things you may have acquired and make a concerted effort to find another way of responding. Makes total sense.

I finally sat down and wrote a list of things I would like to do and places I would like to visit. Funny, I never thought taking a calculus class would be on a bucket list but I do love math. Just never had to take it while in college. I also want to take a woodworking class so I can rebuild this cool wood chair I bought many years ago that was a little rotted to begin with. I had separated out all the parts, put em in a plastic container and was looking to get it redone by someone. Maybe that someone will be me!

I feel like I am almost completely detached. I guess the true test will be once my H gets back from his trip and we have to see one another for the first time in several months. But right now I am enjoying where my head is. I feel in control of myself emotionally.

Next Monday I have to go to the oncologist for a 6 month check up - I just hope nothing cropped up after all I have been through this past year. Stress isn't good for keeping cancer at bay. But I'm not going to worry about anything until there is something to worry about. Trying to follow that strategy in all facets of my life.

Decided I'm going to concentrate more on my health and diet now that I have some space in my head for it. Detaching helps in so many ways!

Trying something new and deciding then if it's worth doing it again or move on to something else. We learn from each experience, even the little things.

I like the concept. Will incorporate! Thank you for your wisdom.