Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 2,118
Tbone, it's so true, we don't see them working the charm. They work the crowd and we come off looking like the bad guys. Yes the truth outs in time, but what I'm finding is if they can keep it quiet for long enough no one cares but us,

Just keep your radar on and watch out for the manipulation train, cause when you see it coming you can side step it easily.


M 46 h54
Both married before
T 11y
Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads!
Ms 18 hs 26
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
Thanks for your reply, Ggrass. Ya, he's probably hoping to keep it all quiet till no one cares - seems he's got his family all on board not to discuss 'us' with me. My IL's do have contact with me on occasion, but are very cautious about saying anything.

So I'm not so sure the 'train' will be by anytime soon. He's in Spain for a month, our divorce will be final the end of August, and he barely communicates with me as it is. I have been 'dark' for a while, although when he left for his trip last Friday, in a moment of weakness, I did text him, "have a wonderful trip.' We used to have such fun traveling together. He texted back, 'Thank you.' Prior to that, he called me two weeks ago, I didn't answer, didn't hear the phone and he left a message, "just called to say Hi. I'll call you later'. I guess later means, what, a day, a week, a month, a year, 10 years? Just had to tell myself, no expectations - and I really didn't expect him to call back. And he hasn't so far.

Someone called it a 'touch and go' call to see if you are still holding on to the rope. I guess I let him know the answer to that by texting him last week. Geez, when will I ever learn.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
Don't be too hard on yourself T-boned. You responded and that's ok. I still respond every time, I just wait awhile and that's what you did. Haven't heard from my ex in a few weeks and I'm definitely ok with that now. I don't expect to either.
Treat him like a coworker/neighbor next time he does one of those touch n' go's. This trip thing is a great opportunity for you to detach and do more GAL activities and really start finding out more about yourself. I listed what I wanted out of the rest of my life. I listed my interests that were my OWN and not shared. Gave me great direction. Also worked on myself by listing my good attributes (it was a homework assignment from that group I was in) and that bumps up your self worth and confidence. It worked. After such a rejection it takes time to get back your mojo smile There will be good days and bad, after the divorce is final you may find some relief. You can only find inner peace within yourself. Take care - thinkin' about ya!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
Hey TL, been wondering about you. Checked your thread and hadn't seen anything for a while. I was wondering how your mom is doing, and how you are doing.

Thank you for the words of advice. As always, solid stuff.

Got pretty angry with him the other day and I think I may have found a place in my head I can go to keep from seeing him as the guy I knew, and missing him. I just keep telling myself he hasn't been a good guy about this b/x good guys don't do this to people in the way he went about this. Basically, I think he is a good person, but there's something that has been a problem in his mind/life for a while that caused him to do what he's done. I never wanted to think ill of him, and I don't really, just soooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. Have lost almost all respect and trust with him. Hurts. But I still do the mantra every day. Weird how it's like habit now.

Anyway, something in me has changed I hope. Maybe it's because he is gone for a while and I feel free to 'move about the cabin' of my community and life without having to worry about running in to him and the gf (if they're even still dating).

Just getting on with it. Haven't had a good cry in a number of days which is a relief. Going to spend the weekend with an old high school friend and her family - should be a lot of fun. I'm really looking forward to it.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
That sounds like a fun weekend! Good for you! I think you will find you cry less often, I know I haven't cried about him for a couple months now, have not heard from him in 3 weeks I think. There are little reminders, when I see a truck like his for a split second I think it's him but then it passes and I think about other things. I turn off music that reminds me of him still but it doesn't eff with my head like it did before. Too much other stuff going on in my mind lately anyway. My cat escaped, trying to find her. Now I may only have 2. Yeah I hear ya on that "good person" statement. I still believe my ex is a good person inside and he did what he felt he had to do. Just took me some time to catch up emotionally and mentally because I didn't know that's what he was going to do. They have us at a disadvantage. Now I feel caught up, no longer emotionally investing in the dead relationship. What a relief! Letting go and forgiving.... myself and him. It's really life changing but now I see it as all positive. I would not want to relive that pain ever, but now I see it as part of my journey and it all it makes me who I am today. A stronger more independent woman. I was reading through my old journal entries last night and just wow! You can see the thought process and some changes taking place. It was only a few months ago but I have some drastic changes that happened. Yeah I agree on the disappointment and loss of respect and trust. I still say the mantra too. Not as often as I did but i'm not feeling that anger/resentment anymore either. Now it just is what it is. smile have a great weekend!!


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
Do you think the finalization of the divorce helped you along? Cuz you seem to have zipped right through this stunningly!

P.S. How's your mom.....


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
YES I do think that it helped. It gave me closure if that makes sense. On D day it was just like any other day. Of course I thought about it but it was the ending of something and also the beginning of something else.New possibilities and opportunities, I now feel like he did me a favor. A very painful process but I've grown, learned a lot, still learning. We all climb the mountain at a different pace and I guess I ran up the darn thing. Take it as slow as you need to - at the most comfortable pace for you. I still pull out my rebuilding book and read my highlights, i even read it twice and highlighted different things in a different color because as you grow and change, different things stand out as you work through different blocks. I'm trying to keep myself out of the victim triangle, no longer trying to "fix" or "rescue" in any area of my life. I am responsible for my own feelings and happiness. No one can make you feel a certain way, they don't have that control over you, only you do. I mean you feel what you feel but no person makes you. It's our own choice. I choose to live in the present. I am who I am because of my past experiences but I'm not going to let the past get me stuck. Trying not to anyway smile I am rambling. I think you're doing really well Tboned and are well on your way to being whole on your own.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
Thank you, TL. I appreciate your support more than you'll ever know. Yes, the rejection and abandonment have certainly made me feel like I no longer want to talk to or see him - had a brief little moment this afternoon but no crying - then I reminded myself why I've lost my respect and trust for him and I felt like I regained control.

Just got back from spending the weekend with my friend and her family. It was a great weekend, and I just texted her how spending time with her again has renewed me and made me feel more whole again. It's a good feeling - I think I'm almost there.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
I understand the concept of not believing anything the MLC/WAS says, that's easy, but the only 'believing half of what they do' part is a little confusing. What's a good example? Like, where does my H trip to Spain fit in, or that he got a female, married roommate? Not feeling too bright at the moment.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 2,538
Quote:
'believing half of what they do' part is a little confusing. What's a good example?


I may not have this quite right, and I agree it is a tricky one. In general what people DO is a clearer indicator of their inner reality than what they say.

But with MLCers they are confused and they want to reshape reality to fit their own notions, which are emotional and shifting.

So your spouse went to Spain, but you will probably never know WHY. The roommate might appear to be the love of their life, but if you read WishingHoping's thread, already her xh's relationship seems a little sour. Their behaviours in MLC are inconsistent, erratic, and often frenetic. They are searching for something,

However, sometimes in their craziness they will do things that are real and authentic. My crazy xh is currently making a home for himself - even though he is about to remarry. This place is for him, and I see it as a good thing for him to be doing. That might sound patronising. But I think it is a part of establishing in a real way his new identity, and grounding him.

We have to be careful though not to interpret things the way we want to see them.

Page 3 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard