Phoenix slowly rising

[T-boned]

Have had a couple good days, which is a real relief. It has been about a month and a half. Yesterday, before I went to work I got down on my knees and prayed to the universe to take my pain for the day so I would have a good one. And you know what? I had a really good day! Even though work wore me out, I came home, put on my running clothes, and ran further than I ever have. And it felt great!

Got in the hot tub with a small watered down glass of wine, called a friend, spent almost two hours on the phone talking about anything and everything,steamed some broccoli for dinner, then crawled in to bed and slept well.

Woke up today, decided I didn't want to run this morning, so I decided to walk instead - walked two miles up to the pier, two miles home all in one hour and felt great. Been doing a little yard work,phone calls to friends and family. Am excited that I will be spending some time with a very dear friend and her family in a couple of weeks. Next weekend is a benefit concert for our pier, and me and a friend are going to that. It was a great event last year so I'm really looking forward to this year's event.

Gosh, I can't believe how good I feel today!!! Yay!!! I hope I have turned a corner....let me hold on to this feeling.

[T-boned]

Can't say I didn't have times today where I thought about H and sitch, but before I got sad and started to cry, I told myself to STOP and think of things you want to do accomplish today and tomorrow. Also, think about goals for next week. And it worked!

Going to friends house for dinner tonight. Looking forward to that.

[TL72*]

good for you T on the whole stopping and changing focus. That is a good tactic. I hope you enjoyed dinner out. You sound good, that praying every day really really helps me, I still do it, it does give me strength. It still svcks but do whatever works for you to make it through another day and after awhile they start adding up and you start feeling (gasp) happiness!

[25yearsmlc]

Tboned, I still say the mantra, I still have little bouts of anger once in awhile. My mother is very ill, I was just thinking last night how that effer left me and I was there for him for every horrible thing that happened to him during our marriage and now that I have had bad things happen he's nowhere in sight. Feeling sorry for myself, I wasn't part of the decision to divorce either, then I think - no, i'm not going to play victim here.

I LOVE READING THIS^^ PROCESS^^^!!! You found yourself falling into the self pitying "victim" pit, and then, you STOPPED yourself!

That's what I call COURAGEOUS WORK! BRAVO! (Clap clap clap!)


He probably has his own problems now(obviously) and my problems/worries are now my own, so my only choice is to deal with them.

Exactly....and "radically simple". B/c it's seem obvious to those not in the situation, that you must make the only healthy choice, ie., deal with what is...so simple and yet some refuse. I also like how you are showing empathy for your spouse too, instead of just harping on them. Again, well done.

I believe once you commit to taking charge of your life (which we were all supposed to do, this whole time!), it absolutely gets better.

How can it not improve, when WE take charge of our lives, and stop staring at someone else to rule us?


I then say the mantra and move on to other thoughts. It simply is what it is. He's gone. We're divorced, have to keep on living. I do remind myself that I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else.

Amen to the statements^^^ and methods used, to IMPLEMENT some detachment and PMA!

I know it's hard to get unstuck. One minute you think you're doing alright and then you have a bad minute that reminds you of the reality. Stay in the present, focus on you and your needs. You have complete control over that.I made a list of my blessings. I made a list of what I wanted out of life (inner peace!!) I made a list of things I like to do - not what WE liked to do, but just things I've discovered that I like to do now that I'm alone. That was a change for me,

^^Smart specific ways to create a more fulfilling life. WELL DONE...I can't wait to see what life has in store for you around the corner if you keep this PMA up...


I was all about sharing likes, now I've been able to break that co-dependency I think and focus on becoming an individual, a whole person. It's a process.

APPLAUSE APPLAUSE^^^!!!!!


You'll get there. We're growing and learning along the way and it will take time, but what we do with that time is key. I finally started my refi on the house... that's the last thing to do and he'll be out of my life, I do hope he's happy although somehow I doubt it.

You're a good woman with a future that I KNOW will have laughter and love in it. Good job, on all counts...seriously.

I hope you'll keep posting, regardless of what happens to your h...YOUR GROWTH is very impressive and

Whenever I've seen someone do the kind of work you are doing, & showing the discipline and self awareness you're showing,

I've always, also seen them become a better, HAPPIER person, in a matter of time. So yeah, it doesn't just "happen".

Well done.

[T-boned]

Yep, 25, TL's got this one by the horns. She's a great inspiration to us all, that's for sure.

[T-boned]

Look out, here it comes.

Last night I had a really good journal entry going and my computer connection at the hotel went out just as I hit Submit . I was too tired to try and recreate it - oh well. But it wasn't this!!

Today I got angry with my H and how he has handled this whole thing. Finally, some anger! Just got to thinking how maddening it is to see people 'gush' about what a great guy he is, blah, blah, blah, and how he says he is a good person. Well 'great' guys/good people don't do what he has done to their wives. They don't walk out without having communicated to their spouse for years that they were not happy. They don't lie or live a lie to keep the spouse from being hurt because they'd know it hurts a whole lot more the other way around. They don't act like you don't even exist, and they would have a whole lot more respect for the person they've built a life with for 20+ years by being open and honest.

I say no, he is not a good or great guy right now. And I'm really disappointed that none of his friends or family, to my knowledge, have taken him aside and pointed out what a selfish immature person he is being.

Sorry, I'm just so angry right now and sick of how everyone is so afraid to lose their friendship with him because he is so 'fun' to be with. What happened to having friends with dignity and morals. It's like he's this fraternity brother that everyone has fun with and doesn't want to give it up. Gawd, he's so charming - you all would probably fall for it too if you met him. Guess they don't know he uses people until he gets nothing in return. Then you get dumped. You only get his friendship only if he needs you.

Wow, quite the spew for me. I was wondering when the anger part of rebuilding was going to kick in. Now what I do with that anger is the important part. May help with that final sliver of the detachment tendon I haven't been able to cut.

[T-boned]

I refuse to be the victim here. I don't want him to control my life and happiness. I want my power back!!!

[oad]

T-boned, my feelings exact in my sitch..now she makes me the bad guy, has pulled out every little thing I have ever done wrong and build this case against me that all her friends now say to her "you deserve to be happy....you should just get on with your life...blah blah blah...and it pisses me off big time that everyone can influence her but not the guy who spent 15 years with a women that held it all in and acted as everything was fine until one day leaves...hang in there and keep venting...its good for the soul. Hopefully one day these selfish babies stop for a second and realize what they are actually doing. funny thing is my wife says im selfish because I put my dreams and career infront of my family...well who is the selfish one now?? I got your back T-Boned.

[Matt165]

Hi oad,
You're not alone in the blame game. My W at first only heard from everyone that she was crazy to want to leave me. How I've been such a great H. Well, when they would say that she would get ANGRY and freeze them out, tell them to mind their own business. When they would say 'You need to be happy..", then she would gush and thank them for their support! They manipulate everyone and everything around them to justify what they are doing. Anyone who says that they may be wrong they run away from! I'm hearing about things as far back as 20 years ago that justify her actions today! They will think exactly the opposite from how you want them to as you are the bad guy, the M the cause of all that has ever gone wrong in their life.

Heck, I was "wrong" because I spent TOO MUCH time thinking of my family first! These aren't the real "reasons" they are doing anything. They will say and do whatever they need to to be able to justify why they are being selfish. Remember, they can't keep everyone in the dark forever. Once they get what they THINK they want and it turns out that it doesn't change how they "feel" they will either start to see the truth or keep coming up with a way to blame someone or something else. Sooner or later the truth will come out and the people who are so understanding now will start to see what is really happening. Until then all we can do is live with integrity and be the best men/women we can!

[T-boned]

Thanks, Oad for your support. Unfortunately, I don't know what he is saying to others, no one ever wants to tell you. But I'm pretty sure I know what it is. The unfortunate thing is I don't think he realizes that most of the things he's probably blaming me for are things I had no control over. I will take responsibility for some things because this is not all his fault that we are here. And I've told him that. But the thing that just sticks in my craw is he didn't respect me and our marriage enough to give it a chance. That's all. That's all I wanted was a chance.

Matt165 - you're right about the manipulation aspect of their situation. And my H has always been the great manipulator. I've seen him at work. Funny thing is I was apparently so blinded I didn't see him working me - at least that's how I feel right about now. I can't say for sure, but it would fit with everything else. You're right Matt, all we can do is be the best men and women we can - RIGHT ON!

Something TL posted (and I ad lib here): 'There are three things that can't be hidden for long, the sun, the moon, and the truth.' Love it!!