Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
#2459073 06/10/14 02:53 AM
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
I need some help here. Those of you who have visited may remember my sitch, but here's a quick synopsis followed by my question.

H has filed, we have signed a marriage settlement, the divorce is to be final in late August. H has OW (at least I think he still does). I have been dark for a while, only answering if first contacted. Or only initiating if it is a legal or bill matter. At marriage settlement signing (late April) I was devastated but tried not to show it until he tried to get me to hug him afterward. Told him I couldn't do that - walked away and have not seen him since. We have talked a couple times on the phone but I've tried to keep it to business. Haven't talked to him in two weeks. Been having a very difficult time since the signing - am going to therapy - have deep issues which are causing me to be a bit stuck, but working on it. In two weeks he will be leaving for Spain for a month.

Last night at 10pm I happened to look at my phone, saw I had a missed call at 8pm. Was my H. Voice mail said, "Just calling to say "Hi". I'll talk to you later." What the heck? Why is he calling just to say hi? I don't want to return the call because hearing his voice makes me lose it - the voice mail was bad enough.

I say stay dark. Don't return the call - he didn't ask me to. But I don't want to appear unfriendly. Yet, I think I should just let him call me if he really wants to 'talk.'

Am I right not to call?


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,666
Quote:
I say stay dark. Don't return the call - he didn't ask me to. But I don't want to appear unfriendly. Yet, I think I should just let him call me if he really wants to 'talk.'

Am I right not to call?


T, I think you answered your own question. :-)

He knows how to reach you, right? Let him figure it out.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
Thanks LB for your response. Geez, it is rather obvious -and how sad is it that the guy can cause me to go through such questioning over a missed PHONE CALL!!!

I feel like I am in the Bermuda Triangle of relationships. On the one hand, I just want him to go away and not contact me anymore. It's all too painful. On the other is that ever so small sliver of hope that he will come back and say this has all been a huge mistake - that he is willing to try. At least give us that chance. But then after what I have witnessed so far, I kind of think he's just not mature enough to handle it.

No matter how you look at it, it really does boil down to taking care of yourself and making your life the best it can be.


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,326
Likes: 20
Quote:
On the one hand, I just want him to go away and not contact me anymore. It's all too painful. On the other is that ever so small sliver of hope that he will come back and say this has all been a huge mistake - that he is willing to try. At least give us that chance.


I don't think this is abnormal thinking at all. My XW quickly rushed into another relationship and wasted no time marrying the OM. Even after all that she has put me through and is remarried, I guess there will always be some very small sliver of hope. I think alot of us will always want what was....or atleast some of us will.

Has there ever been a sitch on this board where the MLCer rushed into a marriage and then woke up and came back? Doubtful but.....

It's funny, I still have a slight bit of hope, but on the other hand, I don't think I COULD take her back in a million years. Kind of weird.


Tad

Last edited by tadpole1025; 06/10/14 06:13 AM.

Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
Tboned, so good to see you got your new thread up and running smile
That's a "touch and go" I think. They like to just reach out and tug on the rope. Make sure you're still there. I don't know why it is all so complicated. Mine contacts me via email or text every few weeks, you just never know what will happen. I usually respond after a few hours but keep it like talking to a coworker. No expectations. You're right though, it is easier when they leave you alone. Our minds seem to do the most damage. Shake it off and keep on livin' smile


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
Tad, thanks for your post. Yes, I know what you mean. Even though I think nothing would make me happier than for H to come back and at least try to fix this, there's always that bit of doubt about being able to handle the new reality. I'd like to give it a shot, however, because it could possibly be the thing that propels me into moving on. That's the frustrating thing about all of this - he didn't allow US to make this decision to split.

TL, thanks to you I finally got this thread started. I hope all is going well for you. I've been saying that little mantra of yours every morning and sometimes again later in the day. It does help a little, although I don't feel much resentment towards him,just little bouts of anger and LOTS of cases of 'the misses'. At which point most of the time, my logic kicks in and says, WTF - he's a jerk for leaving someone like you, right now he's not the guy you fell in love with, and he certainly has a lot to figure out for himself. Just let it go. Set him free and if he comes back, deal with it then. In the mean time, I NEED to take care of myself. Something I am not doing a very good job of, IMO, but I am my most harsh critic. My therapist says otherwise -he thinks I'm doing well,but that I have a lot to deal with.
Here's another poem from that book that describes me at the moment:

How I
love you and hate you.

How bound I am to you.
How bound I am to break my bondage.

I want to be free!

I want to be able to
enjoy the day again,

and give me back my nights.

Unfortunately, I think the Phoenix is, at the moment, stuck in the mire!


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2014
Posts: 342
Tboned, I still say the mantra, I still have little bouts of anger once in awhile. My mother is very ill, I was just thinking last night how that effer left me and I was there for him for every horrible thing that happened to him during our marriage and now that I have had bad things happen he's nowhere in sight. Feeling sorry for myself, I wasn't part of the decision to divorce either, then I think - no, i'm not going to play victim here. He probably has his own problems now(obviously) and my problems/worries are now my own, so my only choice is to deal with them. I then say the mantra and move on to other thoughts. It simply is what it is. He's gone. We're divorced, have to keep on living. I do remind myself that I am responsible for my own happiness, no one else. I know it's hard to get unstuck. One minute you think you're doing alright and then you have a bad minute that reminds you of the reality. Stay in the present, focus on you and your needs. You have complete control over that.I made a list of my blessings. I made a list of what I wanted out of life (inner peace!!) I made a list of things I like to do - not what WE liked to do, but just things I've discovered that I like to do now that I'm alone. That was a change for me, I was all about sharing likes, now I've been able to break that co-dependency I think and focus on becoming an individual, a whole person. It's a process. You'll get there. We're growing and learning along the way and it will take time, but what we do with that time is key. I finally started my refi on the house... that's the last thing to do and he'll be out of my life, I do hope he's happy although somehow I doubt it.


Me - 42
exH - 56
Married 10.5 years
Together 17
bomb dropped 1/6/14
signed papers 2/4/14
H moved out 2/22/14
D final 4/4/14
Dropped the rope 5/17/14
2 cats, 2 dogs
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,103
Yes, ladies, I agree that a big part of my pain is that I didn't have ANY say in getting D or not. My W even started the B-day talk with "You're unhappy, I'm unhappy, why bother trying". So, she decided that I was unhappy all by herself. Not "What can we do to change this state of "unhappiness"", Just that we both should just throw away 25 years and that makes so much sense?

I once read somewhere that if the other person really felt that the reasons they give for wanting out of the R were real, they would notice changes the other S was making and say "Wow, that's great. Maybe it can work after all", NOT "Too little, too late". Proof that we didn't cause them to do this and we can't fix it!

Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
T
T-boned Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 180
Once again, TL, thanks for your insight and encouragement. Knew I could count on you! smile Ya, I don't want to play the victim either, but it seems I've sort of fallen into that trap. Well, I think maybe my little toe got stuck, but for the most part I know what's up here. Like I read somewhere before, if you get into some negative thinking and don't get out, you just spiral down making it that much harder to come back up.

Matt, yep, I know it just feels so disrespectful to think that a person who you loved and respected, and who you would never make that kind of decision for, would do that to you. I left my first husband, but at least I warned him first there was a problem, we went to counseling, he wasn't going to change his behavior (alcoholic) so I told him I didn't want to live with it unless he acknowledged that. He didn't think he had a problem, despite being told by the marriage counselor and his parents (but who listens to their parents), so I left.

My current STBX, I never would have expected he wouldn't at least clearly reveal his true feelings long before it was too late. Makes me think maybe he didn't want to fix it then either but was too cowardly to say anything. Oh well, all speculation. Can't change the past - only what you are doing today. Because who knows if we will be here tomorrow!

Hugs to you both!


Me 59 H47
M12 T22
No kids
BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY
Filed 2/12/14
OW 11/13
The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
Page 1 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard