Barrybran - [Insert Original Thread Title Here]

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I'm on Struggle Street a bit this week. My boss has had surgery so the store is in my hands for 2.5 weeks. The work side of things has gone well. I have organised myself very well and shifts have gone smoothly. I have had a lot of problems with staffing however which has caused me a lot of stress. Already one person down, I've had a number of colleagues come down with the flu, one with important high school exam trials, one going away for the weekend, one generally uncooperative and no power to hire or fire, and most of the shifts being left up to a high schooler who is only available after school hours and myself. I don't mind the amount of work; I used to work 26 days out of 28 with only a week off between work stints. I do mind that my hands are tied and I have no idea whether I'm going left or right or whether I'll be home for dinner or see my kids in the morning (I'm out of the house before everyone wakes up when I do early shifts).

On top of that, when I have been home my energy has been down. My kids have been misbehaving when I'm around which doesn't inspire me to want to spend time with them. My wife has been generally positive however it's all external things; friends, cakes, job possibilities, etc. There is no movement on the relationship front though she continues to communicate with me frequently. She updates me about most of her plans now and has even had the courtesy to ask if I minded her doing a couple of things (no problems there). I have longed for a hug a few times. Not as a pursuit thing but as an 'I've had a hard day and I just need a hug'. We're not there yet so I haven't asked for one.

I did mention the desire for a hug in a note to my wife though. I've had a rough day today and I went quiet this evening. My wife has called me out on bottling up and I decided to write my feelings down. I wrote about the kids' behaviour, my issues at work and that I wanted a hug but knew we weren't there yet. I also mentioned some soreness I had that I wanted her help with. It was all matter of fact stuff; she chooses what she does with the info and I'm grateful if she takes it on board and unfazed if she doesn't. I feel good about how I wrote it, the feelings I expressed and the lack of expectation behind my words. Kind of like 'this is where I am. Call me out on anything you find negative. I'd like your help with a couple of things and I'm OK if you choose not to.' I thought my wife was asleep however she responded that she wasn't ready for the hug but that she would have helped with the soreness if she wasn't so tired. We're on different pages but I feel we're at least working towards the same methods of dealing with issues which is a good start for us.

Relationship-wise, we are still a little far apart emotionally I feel. There has been no movement since the bedroom rearrangement but we're prepared if and when it occurs. I personally don't feel up to moving back in just yet but I am open to spending some nights with her to see how we feel about it and if it helps create non-sexual intimacy between us. Originally I was pretty well against it and then I remembered that my wife had put a lot of thought into things throughout this situation and that if she wanted to spend the night with me that she would have put thought into that too and that it was at least worth trying it as an act of good faith. We're not there yet though I'm at least mentally prepared for it.

I'm still playing soccer and I'm loving it. I was told my foot skills are improving which isn't bad for about six weeks' work. I'm still behind on my uni work though I feel I am making some progress. I received a 9 out of 10 on an essay I submitted, the first I'd written in ten years so I'm pretty happy about that. I'm expecting another result back within a few days and I have two more assignments due over the next three weeks. I enjoy learning though it's very difficult with everything else going on. Staffing issues aside, I am really enjoying the challenge of managing my store without my boss.

A bit of a long one but that's where I'm at. I work 13 consecutive days which will be interesting. My daughter's birthday, mum's birthday, anniversary (acknowledging but not celebrating), father's day and my wife's birthday are all in the next couple of weeks so it'll be a jam-packed period.

[Barrybran]

So I had an interesting situation today. My 2nd anniversary is on Monday and I decided to get my wife flowers. I found a bouquet I liked and thought she would like and as I had a couple of questions I called the florist today in case I wasn't able to organise them over the weekend. I was happy with what the florist told me, booked the flowers and that's when the curveball came - the message.

I understand that gifts aren't advised with DB. I am comfortable with my decision as it is part of who I want to be. It's not a celebration but an acknowledgement of an important day in my life and the person I share that day with. Whether my wife appreciates the flowers or not is neither here nor there. As such, I hadn't thought about a message with the flowers until the florist mentioned it. She balked at the idea of delivering anonymous flowers however I was at work when I organised them, I didn't know what message I wanted to send with the flowers, I have a card for my wife separate from the flowers and, most importantly, I don't want to invite third parties into our problems, even if they are just a service provider. As such, I left the booking as a nice bunch of flowers with no message.

In other news, a teammate on my soccer team who is also studying accounting told me about a cadetship advertised in the local paper this week. There are two possible locations, 90 minutes and 2.5 hours away from home. It may not be financially viable however I am going to look into it anyway. I would love an opportunity to work in the field I am going to be studying in as I don't have time to do work experience around my current employment and family commitments, I will be 35 when I finish my degree and I find immense value in putting theory into practice rather than sitting in a classroom for 3-4 years before trying to convince someone you know your stuff.

I would assume the best-case scenario work-wise would be 20-25 hours per week around uni commitments which would put a serious dent in my finances. There are a few scenarios that could happen and I will have an opportunity to discuss the cadetships with the firm offering them on Monday and I will have until Friday to apply.

[Barrybran]

I lost my update

Monday was my anniversary and the day went very well for where my wife and I are at. I bought flowers and a card, thanking her for sharing hers and the kids' lives with me. No mention of love or future, just an acknowledgment of her involvement in my life. She gave me a card with a tropical scene on the front (we honeymooned in Fiji), a simple cryptic message about 2nd anniversary gifts and telling me tacos were for dinner (our favourite meal), a box of chocolates and slipped inside the card a thimble (made in China - China being a 'traditional' gift) and roll of cotton (being a 'modern' gift) in our wedding colour. I expected her to not mark the occasion so I appreciated the fact that she did and to do so with some thought and references to our wedding and marriage was very thoughtful of her, especially in a difficult time.

I worked early that day so I was out of the house for much of the day. We didn't really acknowledge the day in person aside from a couple of thin references over dinner with the kids. All in all, I felt it was a good day. I hope we can celebrate properly next year but for now I'll take it.

Aside from that, a big milestone occurred yesterday with my wife asking for a hug. I had asked for one last week after a trying fortnight and acknowledged that she perhaps wasn't ready, which she confirmed. Yesterday, she asked me out of the blue and hugged me. That hasn't happened in months.

On the work front, I've been looking after my store for the past three weeks as my boss has recovered from surgery. I'm very happy with how things went and my staff have supported me very well. There was a stressful period when everyone in the shop had a cold or was unavailable but I survived. My uni work is going well. I'm still behind but I have submitted the first of my second-round assignments and will start working on the other one today. My first round assignments were graded and I did very well in both, far better than I was expecting to. I'm still behind content-wise but with the major assessments out of the way it'll be head down towards the exams at the beginning of October.

Soccer winds up on Saturday which is sad. I've enjoyed playing and I'll miss it. I am happy to have my Saturdays back leading into school holidays and my exams though. A local summer competition will start late September/early October so I'm looking forward to that.

I also told my wife I'd like to go away as a family over school holidays which she appeared to support. We are waiting on her redundancy payout from work but I'd like to go anyway after the recent stresses of work and uni. I just want to get out of town and do something fun with the kids that doesn't involve cleaning, picking up after them or getting called into work :p

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I had a bit of an awkward moment the other day. My wife went out with friends and I had the house to myself. I got home after she left for the night and since her car was there but not her keys I figured she'd need a lift home. I went to bed early because I was shattered and managed to get a couple of hours sleep before the phone call came. I went and collected my wife and her friend, dropped her friend off, went home and went to bed. My wife sent a drunken text message asking if I'd sleep in her bed (to sleep, not sex). After missing the last invite a couple of months ago I wanted to make a point of joining her so I did and she was asleep shortly after I joined her. It was nice to be back in her bed again though I'd woken up just enough to have trouble getting back to sleep. I had work at 6am so I was up and out of bed before she woke up.

After work I got home, we chatted and a while later she asks off the cuff if I slept in her bed or whether she was dreaming. I told her about her text messages and showed her. It wasn't too nice knowing that she didn't remember asking. I feel that there's always a bit of truth when people say things when they're drunk though so I get the impression that I've been on her mind but she's keeping the walls up for a little longer yet.

I've been working pretty hard lately and it, uni work and the kids/housework have taken their toll on me a bit. I came up with an idea to skip town for a couple of days in the upcoming school holidays and voiced this to my wife. She suggested a location and I started looking for accommodation. It's a stretch for us at the moment money-wise and it's not something I'd normally do. I do need a break though and I want to spend some quality time with my wife and kids away from the grind of home.

I suggested the coast and the location my wife suggested is a holiday spot her Dad used to spend time in as well as being half an hour away from where her Dad's ashes have been entombed. My wife hasn't been back there since her family laid his ashes last year and it would be good for my wife and son in particular to go there. My wife specifically mentioned visiting her Dad when suggesting the location.

Since the initial conversation, my wife has had a fair bit on her mind; some pretty important stuff too. My weekend getaway is trivial in comparison. It's important to me though as I won't have another opportunity to go away with the kids until Christmas and we definitely will be busy at that time. My wife has voiced a lot of her thoughts to me and I have listened. I've voiced some things to my wife and I don't feel listened to. In the past I'd distance myself out of protest and recognising those feelings again I understand that I am going to have to voice my feelings to her this time. I feel good about what I want to say. I'm hoping she still wants to come. Whether she does or not I have a couple of ideas about when I want to go away so I can organise the time off with my boss and plan things accordingly.

We've got a big week ahead of us. My wife should receive her redundancy payout this week or next which will clear our credit cards and give us some breathing room. My wife has a job interview on Saturday which looks promising (and also gives me a chance to do some much needed personal shopping!) and she has also applied for another job which she'll be a shoe-in for. I think things will start to look up for her though both jobs come with short-term logistical challenges with longer-term opportunities.

[2stubborn2quit]

Hey Barry. Looks like there's been quite some progress since the past few months. Keep up the good wor!

[Barrybran]

Thanks 2s2q. Very slow going but it's about being patient and building trust at this point.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I've caught myself boarding the expectations train over the past few days. I guess it's something that builds up slowly. I've really only noticed it these past few days as a few things have come up with my wife that have irked me. Once I realised it I knew I had to back off and get myself in check again.

I asked my wife a few days ago about going away for a weekend during the school holidays. I didn't receive much of a response and she appeared to avoid it whenever i brought it up. Granted, she's got a lot on her plate and I understand if it's well down on her list of priorities. I was disappointed that she showed no interest in the idea and when I asked again I received a very closed response.

I've worked hard over the past six months and I want to get away with the family for a short period. The past few school holidays have been same old same old with work, housework and looking after the kids with one extra body home. I've felt bad because we just haven't had the time or money or other things have popped up. My wife is going away for a weekend at the beginning of the school holidays for a hen's night, across the country after our nephew is born and she's gone and done a lot of fun things for herself over the past few months. Money has been tight and ideally I would stay home and save money. I feel that some time away is an investment in my sanity and relationships with my family.

So with no apparent interest from my wife I was left confused at how to handle it. I would still like to see if my wife would be open to planning a weekend away with the kids and I. At the same time, I feel it's a golden opportunity to skip town with the kids when my wife is away, treat them as well as myself and avoid a weekend at home that will more than likely result in three bored kids, one frustrated Dad, a messy house and a lot of time outs. The kids deserve better and I feel I do too.

So I'm in two minds as to whether I approach my wife again to see if she wants to plan anything. She has a job interview on Saturday two hours away from home and I am joining her to share driving and do some long overdue personal shopping. She said she any suggested dates for a trip away were subject to the result of the interview. My wife has a lot on her plate over before Christmas and if she gets a job we won't have any chances of getting away as a family until my brother's wedding in February.

On top of all of that, my wife has vented frustration at spending so much time at home with the kids and the housework that comes as a result. I've listened and validated and I understand exactly how she feels as this was my life between November and February as well as other periods I've had between jobs in previous years. For some reason though, instead of connecting over shared experiences, my wife appears to completely disregard that I've lived these experiences myself. I've become pretty upset at this for a couple of reasons. 1) it invalidates how I felt when I went through these periods and 2) I feel disrespected and unappreciated for the amount of work I put in keeping things together at home while my wife was working. Now the shoe is on the other foot and I appreciate everything my wife has done at home and can sympathise when she has days when she doesn't have the motivation to do housework or spend time with the kids.

The reason these bother me so much at the moment is that these feelings were very strong prior to my affair. I'm better able to deal with these feelings this time around and to catch myself expecting things from my wife is not something had the tools to do prior to separation. At the same time, feeling valued is important to me, my wife has read some of the same material as me and I feel as though it's a bit of a slap in the face as she has the same tools that I do and is choosing not to use them.

These feelings have me very conflicted at the moment. They are massive red flags for me and long term they are dealbreakers. At the present though, it does feel as though my wife is not going anywhere, has initiated discussion and taken steps towards a future life together, speaks about us to me and other people as husband and wife and yet still has giant walls up as though she's not yet ready to let me in.

She has been a little more distant the past couple of days and mentioned a couple of days ago that she feels as though everything she does is wrong. I'm confused by that statement as I don't feel as though I've done anything to contribute to that. I feel it's a self esteem thing relating to not being able to find work as well as the stress of so much time spent with the kids. The drive to her interview wasn't properly discussed until yesterday so I didn't really know what the plan was until then. I wanted to come to support her and to get some things for myself though I didn't want to step on her toes if she had other plans. In the end, the two of us are heading over without the kids so we'll see how that goes.

On the bright side, my wife has had a LOT of cake orders which has perked her up a bit. She has told me about all of her orders and ideas as well as ideas for events that she has been asked to hire stuff for and decorate. She had her birthday yesterday and being very popular she received lots of wishes and gifts. We went out to dinner last night as a family which was a nice change to staying in. The kids didn't really cooperate but they appeared to enjoy themselves. I just liked going out.

Soccer is done for the year, second round of uni assignments are in and I'm almost up to date with my studies, and work has eased off a bit for the time being. I'm really looking forward to going away so I'm hoping to sort that out in the coming days rather than having it be a last minute, miscommunicated event.

[Barrybran]

For some reason I have writer's block while trying to write about my feelings to my wife and I'm even struggling to write things down here. I'm feeling pretty annoyed with my wife at the moment over a sandwich. A bloody sandwich. My daughter asked my wife for a sandwich this afternoon and my wife sent her to me to get it. I feel that that was highly inappropriate because I was trying to study in another room while my kids were watching TV with my wife. Just writing this sounds stupid but I can't help but feel that it was juvenile behaviour by my wife. I did tell her in person that I felt it was inappropriate and she told me to piss off. She's been in a bad mood since I got home from work but I know enough now that that's no reason to be rude and disrespectful.

So yeah, I know I need to bring it up but I know it has to be in writing and I have no idea how I'm going to handle this constructively right now. I guess it bothers me more because my wife has been focused more on herself lately and it's resulted in her going back to ignoring the kids and I, not pulling her weight with the housework (she cooks and packs/unpacks the dishwasher; everything else is on a whim and I do ALL the kids' laundry - we each do our own, and spends most of her time playing games on her phone or watching TV. On one hand I understand why this is happening as she has been unemployed for a few weeks now and I feel that she has lost motivation, especially as she has been ignored for some good jobs a she's applied for and there isn't much else out there. I went through this a couple of times, most recently at the beginning of this year. I applied for job after job and it killed my motivation to do anything. When I found work I was a new person; I function so much better when I have a job (confidence and self-worth) and my wife is the same. On the other hand, I can deal with being ignored, I'm a big boy, but it does nothing for our relationship and it frustrates me hearing and seeing the kids clamour for my wife's attention only to be ignored. I just want to shake her and tell her to wake up, if only to prevent her relationship with the kids being strained like her relationship with her mother because she doesn't have time with them.

So many thoughts running through my head and no idea how to tackle it. In writing this I feel it may have more to do with a lack of motivation on her part more than being lazy. I don't believe she will talk to me but I guess I could put a feeler out there by telling her that I've noticed a couple of things and letting her know that I'm available to her if she wants to talk. All I know is that her behaviour is unacceptable, whether we have a marriage or not.

Ok, rant over. Time to collect myself and go home. Feel free to shoot me some advice. I hope you're all doing well in DB-Land.

[Ggrass]

How you handle it will be important Barry, if you do it in a controlling way, she will resent you and do less and take longer.

I hate to be pushed or feel like I have to, on someone else's whim. Not sure I've explained it well, but try to raise in a light hearted way or a more matter of fact. Lots of blame will no help.

Just my take.

[Barrybran]

I'm so pissed off right now. D4 was being incredibly difficult this morning by refusing to do anything of which she was asked. I wound up yelling at her because asking nicely wasn't getting anywhere (yeah, I know, I'm wrong) and my wife wasn't helping at all. I even wound up having to brush D4's teeth because she refused to do it herself and my wife had to take her somewhere. My wife suggested I pinned D4 down to brush her teeth which I called her out on and started a fight between us.

This patience thing is really testing me. My wife shows absolutely no desire in reconciling and I'm surprisingly OK with that. The part that gets me is that by now even she knows that sitting on things gets us nowhere instead of talking things out and trying to move things forward, not necessarily returning our marriage to what it was but just dealing with issues and trying to build a friendship. I'm a creature of logic so emotions baffle me at the best of times but if you have a problem at work, you don't let it linger, you deal with it and move forward.

I have also had some issues in knowing which issues to bring to attention with my wife and which to leave. I've been a doormat and one of the things my wife raised was expressing my feelings. Long story short, the last time I raised my feelings my wife said she felt as though everything she did was wrong and has yet to explain why she said that. That was two months ago and things haven't been the same since. They haven't gone backwards per se but they haven't move forwards either and I've kept a lot more to myself. I know by now that our relationship can only move forward when she's prepared to listen to me and talk issues out. Surprisingly, I've been OK and just moved on with my own things understanding that I can't push her.

Today bugs me though because instead of dealing with a situation like my daughter, she leaves it up to me and then has a crack at me because she's not happy with how I handle that. That's not on. My feeling is you either discuss it, stay out of it or get involved in the first place. I know I handled the situation with my daughter wrong and I've got to work on that. I just wish I knew how to handle my wife because not dealing with things and then having a go at me makes things worse, not better.