I would like my boys to learn that true love is unconditional. They can make a mistake and still be loved by me. They can be forgiven.
LOVE is conditional.
FORGIVENESS, too (or -- better -- it is a CHOICE, a DECISION).
RELATIONSHIPS . . . and certainly MARRIAGES . . . I don't believe they are.
It's a MYTH, and I think it's a potentially dangerous one. Marriage is UNDERGIRDED by love -- maybe even unconditional love -- but the marriage contract itself, does that not have all KINDS of conditions?
Would you remain married to your wife if she abused puppies? Did illegal drugs in your home, in front of your children? Was involved in human trafficking? Or would you say "I will ALWAYS love you, but I cannot remain MARRIED to you!" ?
Adultery falls SOMEWHERE on that spectrum for each of us . . .somewhere in-between "abusing puppies" and "you snore too much," lol.
I repeat: LOVE is unconditional. MARRIAGE certainly is NOT. At least it shouldn't be, in my opinion.
Love is a decision. Forgiveness is a decision. For the sake if my kids, I'm willing to make marriage a decision too. I still believe (slim) that this marriage could be made well if she and I chose to do the work.
Just ordered DB this afternoon. Trying to figure out how to GAL. Tell me; What is meant by the comment that she's giving me the gift of time?
Then I must accept that. I can not change her will. All I can do is improve myself and be the best father I know how to be.
I do not / can not talk with her as all she does is cause me more pain. I've been told by family to let her have free access to the kids but set a boundary that we will not have any contact unless it's for the kids sake. She tries to rope me in with this too.
Last night I admit that I got a bit fed up. She kept calling about the same child issue and repeating the same things. Then she wanted to talk to me about a web article I emailed her about what and how to tell the S12. Finally I lost it and just came out and asked if she was happy. I said that I hoped she was and that I hoped her happiness was worth all the pain she was causing her family.
Thx for this 25yearsmlc. I enjoy reading your perspective, letting it marinate and then applying what's relevent to my own sitch. Really hope to see the light at the end someday (!!), and whenever I read your post (& others), I know that with time I will - even though I don't feel that way right now. pbetra
(btw I tried thanking you re another post as well but reply, PM options were not available re that thread). [u][/u]
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
Just gave my emotional state a fatal blow. I was going through my home library for a book to read tonight and found two workbooks from 2005. W and I attended a "weekend to Remember" marriage seminar. In each of our books was a letter we wrote to each other. This seminar was 6 months after her 1st A. You can imagine the words written to each other and the passion and feelings dripping from each page. I'm a pretty good sized guy; sitting on the bed crying can't be a good sight. All I want to do right now is copy these pages and send them to her. I know that is pursuit and I shouldn't do it but...
I have two love letters my H wrote six months ago. It hurts like hell.
Feel what you feel. Cry when you need to cry. Own all your emotions. It will give you relief. And don't worry what you look like when you cry. It's not like we're crying soft little Hollywood tears. Gasping sobs and snot running down your chin wouldn't be a good look on a movie stars either. We've all been there.
I reminded my H a few months ago (before I found DR) about the letters. He shrugged and said he couldn't remember feeling that way about me. So it would hurt your DB efforts AND cement her determination against you. Don't hurt yourself that way.
You really, really need to start working on detaching and building a life of your own. It doesn't have to mean giving up on her. It just means you're giving yourself the space to gain some perspective and the ability to make good rational decisions for yourself rather than constantly reacting to stimuli. This will be hard at first, but it gets easier. Do it for your +2 first and eventually you'll be doing it for yourself.
I'm sorry you're here. I hope this community gives you some of the comfort it's given me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Yes I need to detach. Really trying to figure out how to do that. Any suggestions from other members here would be great. I do well some days then something with trigger a thought and I'm right back to square one.
Detachment is caring about someone while seeing her as separate from you. It is a state of owning your own issues and letting her own hers without feeling responsible for helping her. If you are of the praying persuasion, it's growing out of "Dear God make her come back" into "God, please help us each to walk our own path in wisdom." It is what makes validating possible, because validating is the act of acknowledging her feelings, thoughts, and experience as separate from yours, and of equal validity.
Thought stopping techniques help. When you find yourself dwelling imagine a huge stop sign, for example. If you know a certain kind of day or activity will cause a trigger, plan ahead for it so you don't get stuck in it. Reach out to friends and family and let them know you need them, not to help with W but to help you get out, feel alive, be a part of the world. Make goals for yourself, things you didn't get around to because she wasn't into it for whatever reason. Spend time with your +2. Do things you never imagined you'd do, or that have been on your bucket list. Make a plan for each day, how you're going to be more like your ideal self and less like your every day self. Live as if you are happy until you find yourself actually happy. I know you don't believe it now, but it will happen. The world will look totally different to you when it does.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thank you Maybell, I'll need to reread this a few times I think.
Next question: Rings. I noticed last Sunday that W took hers off. Before that she always wore them even to OM's house except for one day I knew she was going and made her remove them. I took mine off too last week out of pain and anger at the sitch I suppose. I feel odd not having it there. Would her seeing me with the ring on in church be like a pursuit?
