Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
#2458806 06/09/14 05:19 PM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 64
D
Dad+2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 64
Hello all,
Not sure if I'm crazy or not but I'm looking for advice to save my marriage.

Background: Started dating my wife shortly after high school. Dated for 3 years. Married in 1994. First born son in 1997. Second son in 2001. Her first affair was in 2004; 2 weeks before 10th anniversary. Lasted a few weeks; slept with guy once. She felt guilty. Got counseling from a pastor to save the marriage. Her second affair I found out about the week after Easter. Cell phone records show contact to last week of March. She doesn't feel guilty. "This is a real relationship not an affair." She wants a divorce. We went to a marriage counselor but she had no intention of changing her mind. I made every mistake in the book to try to convince her of staying. She moved to her sister's house three weeks ago. Up until that time we had many late night/ all night talks where she blamed me for everything she could. From the reading I've done, this is standard to rewrite marriage history. Shoot we even had "relations" often before she moved out. We have no assets only a ton of debt and we both make little money. At first, she wanted to still have her home and family life plus the affair. Shoot, she even though we would go on our annual family camping trip together through all this until I said no.

To my knowledge she has not filed yet. She told my mother recently that her sister will not condone her affair and will have to move in with other guy soon. The boys stay with me as this is the only home they've known. She's willing to split the debt, though I am taking a bit more. She was surprised that I split from our bank so fast last week.

In a nut shell, that's where I am. I hold myself accountable for my true part in the deterioration of this marriage and am working to fix those things whether she stays or not.

Any help would be a God send.


Me: 44, WAW: 49
S: 16, S: 12
M: almost 20 yrs 08/94
1st A: 08/13/04
2nd A confirmed: 4/26/14
Sep 5/15/14
Dad+2 #2459644 06/11/14 07:59 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,533
Likes: 78
Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-70, D37,S36
Dad+2 #2459649 06/11/14 08:10 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Dad,

This is your wife's 2nd affair, and by your own account here she is unremorseful. Can you tell us more about why you want to work to save your marriage?

What boundaries, if any, were put in place after her first affair?

Good for you for not being willing to act as if everything is normal and do the camping trip, and ESPECIALLY for having the wisdom to firewall your finances so quickly. Most that land here aren't near as decisive.

I hate to be a wet blanket, but since you mentioned the "relations" thing . . . if those times with your wife were unprotected, I'd urge you to get a full-panel STD test. I know it s*kks, and I had to do it myself 7 years ago, but I'm not telling you anything that your own doctor wouldn't tell you. Research shows that couples in affairs have unprotected sex at rates significantly higher than the general population.

Sorry you're here, but . . . glad you're here. Maybe we can help.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 64
D
Dad+2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 64
Working to GAL. Attending a DivorceCare group too.

Why save? Because of my sons. Because I believe I still love her. Because I believe under all the lies and deception, she does love me. In her words; just not in that way.

We can't talk right now because she keeps hurting me. She tells me how great the sex is with the OM. She tells me what they have and have not done.


Me: 44, WAW: 49
S: 16, S: 12
M: almost 20 yrs 08/94
1st A: 08/13/04
2nd A confirmed: 4/26/14
Sep 5/15/14
Dad+2 #2459660 06/11/14 08:55 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Originally Posted By: Dad+2
She tells me how great the sex is with the OM. She tells me what they have and have not done.



Yeah, sounds like a real quality keeper there.


Sorry I can't be of more help. My suggestion would be to work on some good individual counseling to find out why you're still attracted to someone like this, and read the book "Co-Dependent No More." Perhaps I'm missing something here, but since your replies are so brief that's the way it looks to me.

You have a 13 year old and a 17 year old son, by my math. I would suggest to you that they are at VERY formative ages for how they relate to the opposite sex, and how they learn to draw (and lovingly enforce) boundaries in their relationships and in their lives. How would you counsel your oldest, say 10 years from now, and he came to you and presented the same situation as yours?


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 64
D
Dad+2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 64
There is also one important factor I left out. I believe in my vows. 'Till death do us part; for better or for worse. I planned on being married for life.

This all came about once I confronted her about the affair. Until then, we were just fine from my eyes. I would always ask her how we were doing. She would say fine. Until this came up, I had no reason to worry that I can think of. Sure, we had passing comments but no real fights or problems. Even after the confrontation she said we had always been friends; she just didn't have the passion for me that she has for him.


Me: 44, WAW: 49
S: 16, S: 12
M: almost 20 yrs 08/94
1st A: 08/13/04
2nd A confirmed: 4/26/14
Sep 5/15/14
Dad+2 #2459725 06/12/14 01:16 AM
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 12,602
Have you read DB or DR?

"There is also one important factor I left out. I believe in my vows. 'Till death do us part; for better or for worse. I planned on being married for life."

She probably banks on this too. She knows that if things don't work out with the OM, you'll still be there. Not saying that your can't be saved, but any W who can flat out tell her H how she has sex with another guy is messed up. Actually, you shouldn't have even tolerated her telling you.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2459754 06/12/14 11:03 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 64
D
Dad+2 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 64
Went to my DivorceCare group last night; came away with more questions than answers. It felt good to discuss where we stand. Even the women in the group can't figure out what my W is doing?

W came to the house to be with the boys. It felt good giving the cold shoulder and leaving before you could get to the house.

S16 is still very angry. He knows a little about OM. S12 doesn't know anything but I sent W an email with a suggested conversation that she and he should have.

Have no idea where W stands on divorce; has she filed? Got a lawyer?

This whole no contact except for about kids is really hard but at least I'm starting to regain a bit of sanity.


Me: 44, WAW: 49
S: 16, S: 12
M: almost 20 yrs 08/94
1st A: 08/13/04
2nd A confirmed: 4/26/14
Sep 5/15/14
Dad+2 #2459883 06/12/14 07:22 PM
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 95
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2013
Posts: 95
Originally Posted By: Dad+2
Working to GAL. Attending We can't talk right now because she keeps hurting me. She tells me how great the sex is with the OM. She tells me what they have and have not done.


Oh man! How you stomached that, I take my hat off! It was bad enough when my wife's friend couldn't wait to tell me.

There's nothing you can really do to change her mind here. She seems set on a path of marriage destruction while knowing that you'll wait forever sticking to your vows.

Ive done that. And a Wayward Spouse will just look down their nose at you even more.
Show that you're willing to move on and she had better get her act together to discuss things with you. Once the OM is history.

These things happen due to a lack of respect. And will continue until respect is restored.


Suspected EA: Feb 2013
Bomb drop: Mid March 2013
Separation: Mid April 2013
(I fought for marriage)
Filed for Divorce: April 2014
Accidental Exposure of affair: June 2014
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Very wise, RedHawk. whistle whistle


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard