I still wrestle with exposing the affair more than I have in a wider circle. I know it would have a large effect on the secret portion of the affair, which I think would force the issue. My W would also have to make some decisions, as she doesn't want anyone to know about the situation.
Sure you wrestle. Because you still want to think there is something you can do about this situation. You think it would have an effect, but really, you can't know. I outed my W's first affair. It had an effect. It scared OM into hiding. My W was so rebellious, so upset that I took away "what she loved" that she had a one night fling with OM2, then moved on to OM3 a week later. Your W doesn't have to make any decisions. Not now, not ever. You hope she will, but you continue to apply logic to an irrational situation.
You know by now that I'm not trying to bust you. And you know that your W is not my W. I'm just saying that WAW's defy logic, and trying to guess their reaction to anything is a fool's errand. So exposing may or may not work. I don't know how we could know. Don't count on it. It will make her angry, that's a given. Not saying that's a reason not to do it.
Quote:
it's not a good idea, and I need to just let it run it's course.
I can't tell you that running it's course is a good strategy either, generally speaking. It could go on forever. If you feel the A is currently foundering, I would let well enough alone. She may pause and re-evaluate you; she may not.
Quote:
I assume the temptation is normal?
Of course, because we're a controlling lot. We want our waywards back. But if it were that simple...
Quote:
Going out tonight. Maintain a PMA and air of mystery when I see my W tonight, and then have a good time. My goal is to stuff my resentment and anger away, and successfully GAL. Did someone tell me to detach more??
Best paragraph of your post. Yep, that's the goal right there. Really, in the end, all there is is personal growth. And at some point you realize what you want and need, and your W may or may not be able to provide it. Then there's the hard part of whether you think she ever will.
I like your previous post better. You have to have the logistics of two households conversation.
Thanks for the shot to the head. It's well deserved. I find sometimes I need to be re-assured that it's a bad idea. When I stop even contemplating exposing the A is when I know I'll be in a good space, because that A status doesn't actually affect me. I am realizing that I'm not able to influence or control the situation from my end. And of course, I think control is something I was and may still be good at. This self reflection can be tough. Musings of a frustrated LBS, although, I'm starting to not see myself in that light. I prefer now to think of myself as a single father. With very little free time
Yes, agree completely. The financial conversation will be occurring within the week. I meet with the Accountant and the Lawyer next week, and then will go from there. Will be interesting and I need to make sure I allow her to present her concerns as well as myself. Will probably have her go first with a financial plan, and then see if we agree.
And yes, while it is foundering, I think I'm going to just leave well enough alone. Really liked Peter's post about letting something get big enough to destroy itself, really resonates with me. My main dilemma is my children, which is why I proposed sole custody for myself, so she could have all the time she needed, and I can see my kids daily. Of course I would like to think she will want access as well, and I would have no problems with that. I think a mediator will be useful for the next six months.
Just leaving the gym, off to go out. Thanks for the feedback as always.
Just wanted to say Happy Fathers Day to all the other fathers on here that are celebrating today! Hope everyone has a great day with their kids if they are able, and gets a chance to realize what is truly important, being the best father you can be!
I'm in a similar situation. My wife is in an affair and says she needs time before she ends it. I've read the DR book and am starting to put it to use. One of the problems is that I started therapy last week (only 2 weeks since BD) and my therapist told me to tell her that I can't compete with OM. That conversation went okay, but now my therapist said to remind her of that again this week and to tell her that I may call OM. That did not go over well (setback). I think I need to continue practicing the DR techniques and stop taking my therapists advice. Maybe I should tell my therapist my goals and ask the therapist to concentrate on me and not on my R.
Me 39 W 38 M 11 yrs S 6 D 4 BD 5/30/14 Confirmed OM 6/10/14
but now my therapist said to remind her of that again this week and to tell her that I may call OM.
Time for a new therapist; that's all HORRIBLE advice!
a) WHATEVER you do, be it legal action, exposure, financial moves or even just GAL stuff, you just DO it. You don't TALK about doing it, and you certainly don't TELEGRAPH doing it!
b) Repeating hard boundaries (like "I will not compete with OM") only WEAKENS them, not STRENGTHENS them. Once you've stated your boundary, live it out, including any stated consequences.
This therapist doesn't sound like they've much in tune with DB/DR principles.
Father's Day was interesting. Wife came over, had made pictures in frames, wrote a very nice card that actually upset me inside, and we had brunch. Then she left. I went out for dinner with my family. Her card to me spoke about how much of a great father I am, and how the kids are lucky to have me. Very different from what she said at BD.
I've been focused on myself, and I've been trying to detach and not worry about what she is doing. Earlier in the week, she had the kids herself, and took them to a memorial, and she texted me several times to tell me how horrible it was, and how her day was "fu$&@ing hell". I'm not sure what to do, so I just responded with that must be very difficult to feel like that, and tried to listen to what she was saying. Not sure if that's the right response?
My W has also been having all kinds of issues with her parents, which are affecting her interactions with me. She told me yesterday again that she is this close to killing herself, and she has no support and nothing to look forward to in her life. I have to resist the urge to rescue her, which I used to do, and just validate how she is feeling I.e. You must be feeling overwhelmed?
She also reiterated she wished she never had kids, they have destroyed her body, soul, mind etc. I find this incredibly difficult to hear, and the thought of my kids hearing this makes me sick to my stomach. I just listened.
Today at the FT, she said she is scared of losing my friendship and support, and then when she went on a thought train, said she doesn't actually think we are good friends at all. Not sure if this is her thoughts becuase of the OM, or her own thoughts. But it doesn't matter because it's how she feels. I feel differently obviously, but that is put away for now. She also said she doesn't think we bring out the best in each other. Not sure if this is standard script, or the truth. I've been thinking about it, and I have lots of positives, but I definitely have room to change. That's one of her barriers to R.
We met at the bank today and are going to draft up the legal seperation agreement with parameters for finance and custody etc. Next week.
She is desperate to go away this Friday to visit OM and avoid her parents who are coming into town. My S8 has a baseball tournament, and it will be tough, but I've left it up to her. She's an adult and can decide to so what she wishes. I need to be happy with the choices I make.
