As Zee said, I'm due to start a new thread here unfortunately.
The last few days have been a bit chaotic, and it's not going very well. It appears that the A with the OM is running into some issues, and perhaps that is why my W has been an emotional mess. While initially I thought that was great, I'm realizing several things. Namely, do I actually want to be with my W if we were to reconcile. She has brought up a few times how she couldn't imagine cutting off communication etc. I foresee her never moving past where she is at
In addition, I have realized, my W has no intention of coming back regardless of what happens with affair. The last few days seem like she has been swinging up and down wildly, and unfortunately, I have as well. I've tried to not let her affect my moods etc, but I find it hard. I assume it's normal.
At this point, W is waiting for a D to occur. I honestly feel that if I was able to get custody of the kids, I am now prepared to go ahead with a D, so I can get this chapter of my life completed. I purposed this to her, and she wasn't adverse to it at all. My kids are my priority, their safety , their well-being. I know this isn't a forum discussing D, but I think I need to accept that D is a real possibility. Obviously, having their mother in their life is extremely important as well, and access would not be a problem. Anyways, those are just my rumblings on a scary reality.
I'm not sure where to go from here. She has told me she hates herself when she's at the house, hates how she feels about herself when she's around me, and she feels we have been done for years.
I need to regroup and refocus. I want to be the spouse that she would be crazy to leave. Seems hard to do, as she has already left, and she has no fond memories right now. I'm really in a Last LRT.
I found that understanding what my future *could* hold helped me be able to focus a little more on what is happening in the present. (Too bad I haven't been enormously effective with it...)
I don't know what you ought to do with your DB-ing, but it will be easier to implement whatever you decide if you feel more confident about the logistics of your life.
Hugs to you. I'm sorry you're here.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I don't know... when she was in the A, she thought she had it all figured out. You waited that out, hoping she would get to the point where it didn't seem so rosy.
Now, she's at the point where the A is failing, she's flailing, she doesn't know what the answer is, but she's sure it isn't you. She's been saying that all along though. So what do you believe? What has changed that has you all worked up?
If you're detached, and GALing, how is she holding you back right now from doing whatever you want to do?
Maybell, thanks for the kind words and sage advice. Legal counsel is huge, and yes I have one I have spoken with, and will probably speak with them again next week. Your absolutely right, sometimes the unknown creates more fear, so the more you know about possible outcomes and how your life could and will be affected the better.
Zee, you are very right. I think I've just had a bad couple of days the last few days. The realization that her A is having troubles makes me happy, but also sad as I realize I've done a poor job of detaching.
Your totally right, the plot hasn't changed at all. I think I've realized I need to change and get better at what I'm doing. More internal focus and less external. I've put pressure in myself for this month, which is also not good. Detach and GAL ordered up for this week, with a PMA the whole week. Sounds like a plan. Back on track.
Dev; I've been away for a few days and just getting caught up on your thread. You shouldn't have reiterated the no R talk while A is ongoing. Like Sandi says, the WAW is not hard of hearing. You already told her that. Just if she brings up your R you just ask is the A over. If she says no then just say, then there's nothing to talk about. True her A could be crashing & burning. In DB, MWD says affairs generally only last about 6 months. Then there's the withdrawal period. Throughout all of this the WAW will rewrite your history saying there where never any good times. The W will be confused and still trying to lamely keep up the lying habit she's gotten into. Mostly lying to herself, looking for things to prove that her actions were justified. Grasping at straws. Keep working on yourself. At some point if she ever says "we never had good times" just point out to her that she's rewriting your history. When I said that to my WAW she suddenly looked up and me like being snapped out of a dream and said incredulously, "yeah, I am". I think that was a light bulb moment for her. Here's an excerpt from Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman which I found extremely illuminating: "The emotional mind takes its beliefs to be absolutely true, and so discounts any evidence to the contrary... ... Feelings are self-justifying, with a set of perceptions and 'proofs' all their own." So you cannot reason with someone who is emotionally bound in and A. Work on yourself. Let the A take its own course. It will wither. The Tao Te Ching says in chapter 36: If you want to shrink something You must first allow it to expand If you want to get rid of something you must first allow it to flourish This is called the subtle perception of the way things are Let your workings remain a mystery Just show people the results. (I recommend the Stephen Mitchell translation - quoted above) Remember this is a marathon. Keep your chin up buddy.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Thanks for the words of advice. It's helpful to have someone else's perspective. Sounds like you've got some interesting times coming up in your stich. I'm pulling for you!
The rollercoaster continues and it's great to have this sounding board. I really like the quote from Emotional Intelligence. Very helpful to give perspective, as is the Tao Te Ching excerpt. Telling, true, and counterintuitive. Let it grow to get rid of it. I will be getting copies of both those books for some enlightenment while I am exercising!
No real news. W has fled to visit OM. I'm plugging away with my work, and really focusing on quality time with the kids and trying to get some friend time in. It's a bit hard, but I force myself to do it. I truly have the best relationship with my kids that I have ever had. It's the silver lining of this situation.
As my W needs to move at the end of the month, and I suspect she will move in with a friend, I am wondering if I should establish the separation agreement for the next six months? I am going to discuss with my lawyer. I have realized I need stronger financial boundaries, and I want to protect my family better financially. I would like to sit down with my W and figure out some budgeting. We can't sustain two homes like we have been doing and her moving back here is not an option at this stage of the game.
My goal tomorrow is to have PMA when she picks up my D5 for Tball tomorrow, and not let the fact that I know where she has been bother me at all.
On another note, I followed Theoden's advice on another thread and googled chump lady. Made me smile and laugh out loud. Refreshing.
As my W needs to move at the end of the month, and I suspect she will move in with a friend, I am wondering if I should establish the separation agreement for the next six months? I am going to discuss with my lawyer. I have realized I need stronger financial boundaries, and I want to protect my family better financially. I would like to sit down with my W and figure out some budgeting. We can't sustain two homes like we have been doing and her moving back here is not an option at this stage of the game.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You've come to a great place for support and information. If you click on New Topic, and detail your situation, I'm sure there are lots of people who will be able to offer advice.
Go to the Newcomers Forum and select New Topic. The more details you provide the better we will be able to help you. Good luck, and I look forward to seeing your sitch and trying to help.
I feel it's a good idea. I've got a lot of things that I'm working on. I still wrestle with exposing the affair more than I have in a wider circle. I know it would have a large effect on the secret portion of the affair, which I think would force the issue. My W would also have to make some decisions, as she doesn't want anyone to know about the situation.
Of course, really it's not a good idea, and I need to just let it run it's course. From what I have been able to determine, it's on it's last legs. I assume the temptation is normal? I've felt the temptation and even written about it several times so far in my threads.
Going out tonight. Maintain a PMA and air of mystery when I see my W tonight, and then have a good time. My goal is to stuff my resentment and anger away, and successfully GAL. Did someone tell me to detach more??
