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AlAnon is free. You don't even have to say why you're there until you're ready. Just go and listen, give yourself the gift of 6 meetings.

Quote:
What I want is for him to want to work on the marriage, but he is so wrapped up in his own stuff and pretty much told me he has no interest in doing that.

What's wrong with this ^^^ sentence?

Quote:
In the mean time I am just trying to keep things afloat. He says he is on board with my plans then doesn't follow through and gets mad when I try to hold him accountable.

I'm not sure what "try to hold him accountable" means.

Is what you're doing working for you?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
labug #2460552 06/15/14 04:55 PM
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For example we might have a bill coming up that is too steep for one pay period, so I will bring up a possible solution of setting aside a certain amount of money so we will have enough when the time comes. He will say, "Ok, that sounds good" but then he won't follow through and continues to spend everything and when the bill comes there is no money to pay it and he gets pissed off when I ask him for the money. I even suggested him giving money to me to hold so I could save it for him, and again, he is all on board, but then when I ask him for the money he will say, "let's hold off on that for now". And again when it comes time to pay the bill he gets mad that I ask him for his share.

By hold him accountable I mean rather than my old way of just finding alternatives to fixing those problems without stressing him out, I actually will remind him that we had an agreement in place, but when he didn't keep up his end of it the result was now we are in a super stressful situation trying to come up with a huge chunk rather than having a little bit set aside all along. After 14 years I finally got up the nerve to point out to him that carelessness has gotten us into the financial mess we are in, not lack of income. I didn't blame it all on him and took responsibility for my contribution to the situation, but I finally said the things that needed to be said. His reaction was silence, some tearing up, and then disappearing and spending more money. He keeps renting cars so he can just pick up and go as he pleases, meanwhile he won't use that money to fix the car that we are still paying insurance on. The first time he did it I didn't say anything, but this time I called him out on it. I know it isn't proper DBing but at that point I kind of just want it all to end and I kept quiet long enough because I always figured, so what he is worth it. If his financial habits keep us poor so be it. But he isn't worth it any more, and I can't hold it in anymore. He is bailing on me and hasn't given me any clear cut reason as to why except, "we aren't compatible". It took you 14 years to learn we aren't compatible? My problems with the marriage were always money related and the fact that he never wanted us to hang out together with other couples, and had hissy fits when our family was invited to an outing with another family--always found a way to get out of it. Looking back I guess that was his way of telling me he didn't want to spend time with me.

I was a fool because I always believed his words and ignored his actions. Now I am questioning if he ever actually told me the truth about anything.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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ETA: I don't know if it is working yet because I just started calling him out on stuff last week. And this week I took advantage of the kids being away and took a mental health weekend away from him. When I told him I was planning going to house sit for my folks for the weekend (I offered to leave him the car but he said it was fine) he seemed a little uneasy but said ok. Then he pretty much disappeared and apparently rented another car. He is playing games, trying to one up me in the GAL department maybe? Trying to make me suspicious? I don't know. He asked me when I plan to come home because he wants to take a road trip but doesn't know what to do with the dog. Your plans, your problem--although I hate the dog being put in the middle of this. And he tried to pull the father's day guilt trip on me, umm the kids aren't even home so what do you want me to do about father's day? On my birthday he told me he wished I would die and he wants me to care about father's day?

Last edited by mustardseed; 06/15/14 05:08 PM.

40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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I found an alanon meeting for tonight in the town where I am staying. That was convenient, and I feel a little sense of relief knowing I will be going.

I looked into divorcecare meetings. It looks like they have set start and end times, for example one going on now started in May and ends in August or something like that. Can you just pop in on a meeting like with alanon and AA or do you have to sign up for a specific session and do the weeks in order?


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
labug #2460578 06/15/14 07:51 PM
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Originally Posted By: labug

[quote
What I want is for him to want to work on the marriage, but he is so wrapped up in his own stuff and pretty much told me he has no interest in doing that.

What's wrong with this ^^^ sentence?


[/quote]
I forgot to address this part. I know what is wrong with that sentence is that it is all things that are beyond my control. I can't force him to want to be with me and I haven't been trying--well to be completely honest I have slipped up a couple of times, but for the most part, in the past 7 months I have been really good about not trying to force him to have a change of heart. But it doesn't change the fact that that is what I want. That is the ideal. I can settle for second best. I will be ok, and move on with my life if I have to, but that is not what I want. I want us to fix this!

However, what I really, really don't want is to continue on the way we have been. I'm so tired of all of this. I'm so tired of the loneliness. I'm so tired of worrying about money all the time. I'm so tired of always be the one who sacrifices and always having to be the one to say no to the kids because I can't afford something when I know he can (although now I am just telling the kids to ask him rather than having to say no or deal with a conversation about it with him). I just wish he would grow up and decide that this family is worth fighting for. But that is totally out of my hands so I just have to settle for second best.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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MS, I don't think you are settling for 2nd best by moving on with your life. See it as putting yourself and kids first at least for you as you said you can't control your H. Take care


Me 34
M 2.5 (Both 2nd M)
My kids-D 17,S 16,S 12
BD 2/14
D final 7/2014
CS000 #2460920 06/17/14 01:32 AM
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Yes, I am starting to see it like that CSam00. These few days of distance has helped me, and starting to tell people a bit of what is going on has made it more real. I can't live in denial anymore. I went to an al-anon meeting today. I meant to go yesterday but just as I was leaving my aunt showed up and asked if I wanted to take a walk with her. She had to talk about something going on in her life, and of course while she was talking I burst into tears and told her what has been going on with me for these past 8 months. It felt good to let it out, but then I felt remorseful later. BEcause now that I am starting to say it out loud to people who know both of us it makes it so much more real.

But I went to the meeting today. Of course I happen to go during an anniversary celebration. I felt like a party crasher. But the people were welcoming and encouraged me to get on line to eat. So I ate and waited and waited and nearly 45 minutes passed and nothing happened. I wanted to leave but now I had just eaten their food, it felt really rude to just eat and leave. Then somehow I found out the the woman sitting across from me was also a first timer (and she also ate their food) so I didn't feel so bad anymore. They had two guest speakers, and the first one--a guy from AA--really made me understand some of the patterns. I kept wondering if I belonged there, is he really an alcoholic? He doesn't get sloppy, or angry. He doesn't drink a lot at a time most of the time, but he was drinking daily (although that always seemed kind of normal to me). And when he stopped drinking it was super easy for him--but it didn't make things better so it must not be the drinking that is the problem. But this guy--a young guy who reminded me a lot of a cousin of me--talked about his years as a "dry drunk". And the behaviors he described seemed kind of familiar. The lack of intimacy. The running away from problems. Whether H is an alcoholic or not, I think that Al-anon might be a helpful resource for me. I am going home tomorrow and hope to find a meeting nearby. Unfortunately the one in my city is during my work time, but there has got to be others not too far. I'll have to look into it.

I think I am ready to let him go and maybe even starting the process on my own, but that is easy to say when I am not around him. I am afraid that when I see him my resolve will soften and I will go back to just wanting him.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
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Hi mustardseed,
I would call the local divorcecare. They do have programs, but you can start in the middle!! The one I went to there was a man started in the middle and stayed and took it again. I waited for a program to start because I didn't know any better, but you don't have to.
The alanon is a great resource too!! Take care!!


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Thank you. I will look into that.

I came home yesterday and we are back to being super polite but avoiding each other. I am feeling sad again, and remorseful for confiding in people when I was angry over the past few days. It really feels like there is no turning back now, which probably was always the case, but now I feel like I betrayed him by airing our dirty laundry to a friend and a family member. It felt good at the time but now I feel terrible--and I know that I am so done with this situation that I am not opposed to getting papers written up just to not be in limbo anymore, but my heart still wants us to work this out.

I'm hurting so much, and I am ashamed of betraying his trust by talking about our issues--my issues with him. I still don't know what his issues with me are so I'm sure I made him look like the bad guy and me the victim. But I know he is not a bad guy. I love him and still believe that this version of him is not real. I still believe that the things that have haunted us our entire marriage can be fixed. Am I naive to believe that? Am I just a fool? Why do I feel strong and confident with the relationship being over when I am away from him, but as soon as I see him I can't imagine having to let him go--ever.

Last edited by mustardseed; 06/19/14 12:41 AM.

40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Joined: Apr 2014
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no words of wisdom but that's how I feel today too.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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