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hey hi-

soo good to hear from you and i'm soo glad you're doing great. hope visit is great. i've been short of alone time when i remember to go to forum and/or feel free to be spilling my guts here. it's okay tho

i hear you- and you're rite. it's less painful - it's not something i'm "neutral" about.

i don't like how i'm living- i amnot in a position to provide myself with something "better". believe me when i tellyou that.

it's a tradeoff i guess. am keeping busy- am feeling a bit creative and even working in gardens - here and there- so better in the way of not just being a dead carcass on the side of the road (as i have been for last few years).

so anyway- idk what's going on. something is- something with him- i'm sick of waiting tho. i'm tryin to be patient, keep my peace and no "talks". i find there's nothing for me to say anyway- that i haven't already (unless i get to the drop dead- i'm outta here) place...

so - my usual i guess- need to get this estate rolling and housese sold- shore is lagging these last five years or so - home shouldn't be too bad- if we could get going. waiting for one sister to have six months in at her new job to see if she can get financing... then we'll know what we're doing.

just taken a few weeks off- nominding out- playing with neices babies and trying like mad to not think about it. (my sisters areall in their armchairs calling with advices, directions, etc. what a bunch of yentas...)

anyway- alive- okay- ten pounds or so heavier and not happy about it. walking again th0, gonna go garden & sweat it oout in a minute- one minute of aloneness .

i dont' know what it is I want dawn. I can see the benefits of my current life - i can see the deficit - then i get to the place where i begin (as usual) to say to self - (a lifetime habit) who says everyone gets evrything they want? if you've got a life tht's better than most you see around you- who are you to want "perfections", maybe this is just what it's gonna be, etc.

i9t's either defeatist , or maybe it's realistic , or maybe it's procrastination, or lazy m, or wise?

who the heck knows. so, i'm gonna go work like mad, make myself exhausted and worry about it tomorrow-

yeah- i know - wtf???

xxoo

ps -i have no idea what the heck h is up to? or why. the nice little trips (3)!!, being pleasant, thiking of doing some work around this house which is sooooo very overdue- even asking an opinion or two about it? i'm suspicious, if i'm honest. why spruce it up now? well, it does need it and he inherited a giant ton of $$, but is it for him, someone else? me? wtf??? my usual crappola $hit tornado of a life, but no one actually screaming at me today (yet -f ingers crossed) i wonder if i'll just ever see my family again after this estate is done- what a bunch of selfish jerks huh? - like they act like nothing they ever said happened- and what? i just forgot how rotten they were? because i'm being courteous and civil - oiy... will be glad when it's all over and done - nobody will find me pursuing them.

xxo man

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hi anyone-

just reporting in. been busy as heck lately - changed places to fla for a month or so- pick up neices kids in afternoons- we "play" and sweat alot- it's hot as hell here. but house has central a/c so can always just stay in. reverse cabin-fever.

i like not being alone allll the time. h is being pleasant and fun- idk why??/ i don't like to notice about self that i'm suspicious and always assume the worst and that he is lyhing about everything in the universe. no kidding- oh well, i guess that's what liars inspire in the rest of us- no darn trust.

i'm interested to note it doesn't make me feel 'sick" - i am more neutral about it "detachment"???? we wonder.

i feel "outide" of him and his life and sitch- i'm not sure where i fit in here in his life- don't care enough to ask tho. just havin my own life, painting a bit, playw ith the kids, visit friends, goof off in general - - he's playin tennis and doing what he does- workin out, etc. it's a bit wierd to feel all objective here. i feel badly that i am that objective- but then, it's nice to not feel all hurt and invested. i honestly don't know what i think about this guy and this life. it's not my ideal- it's okay for the moment since i don't have anhythin better to be doing and anyone better to be doin it with.

goin with it-

it's nice to be away from nj and the stress of the estate stuff and my sisters and their bunches of drama and feuding.

so that's pleasant- brain shut off- well, except for important stuff like jerking around in the spa or baby pool with two tiny kids- painting stuff and our nails and polish alllover creation - playign dressups - eating food we shouldn't in places we shouldn't. just goofin around in general- i forget how relaxing kids are when you let go and quit being all "got rules" and adultie. since i'm not their parent and don't HAVE TO - i'm not.

so all in all- nice break. brain on float- i don't have much to say- (whatta surprise huh?) - i guess i'll go take a nap while house is quiet- been gardening ALOT - just feels good to tidy up here a bit too in the gardens. have lots of great plants tht are just overgrown and can't see them- as i dig around- finding all kinds of worthwile bromiliads and things we could actually do some nice landscaping with- when everything that is undesireable gets gone...-

i don't know a thing- hope you're all good. i'm outta here.

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Hi Nero smile

Glad you posted an update and are still kicking around.

Looks like you are taking a much needed break from your day to day life back in nj, and doing some things that you enjoy. I think that's great!! Napping, gardening, pool time, eating forbidden foods in forbidden places... Who wouldn't love that? wink

I think your objectivity towards your h is pretty normal. You've been at this awhile, he's been gone figuring his stuff out for awhile. Maybe you've slowly been detaching, one bit at at time, without even realizing it.

All part of figuring out what you want out of your life, who you want to be, where you're going.

You sound good, it was nice to hear from you smile


Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me

~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
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Hey Nero, my friend. So nice to hear from you. Sounds like you are having a much needed reprieve. Good for you.

You know, sometimes it's ok to just live your life without thinking about everything, ya know? I think we should all do that more often.

Who knows why he is acting as he is? You know what? No expectations....just enjoy it.

I do think you are detaching more and more. It's a good thing.

You get to where you need to be...when you do. Til then, keep on going.

Let me know when you are back up here. Would love to get together. <3

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hey hi-

good to hear from you too. it's so pleasant this morning- i know i'll get kids in afternoon- so can enjoy the quiet contrast in morning. we all need it - don't we? the good and the bad.

i find that if i don't think or talk about "it" - it isn't soooo stressful in life. now that my mom isn't around to worry about- another person's life - a person that can't take care of self -

i can't get my brain to get all serious and worried about almost anything. myself included. my non-existent future- but then, hey, isn't that what buddha and EVERYONE says? tomorrow may never come? for the moment anyway (i don't want to get tooo above myself) i am able to just cruise and not think.

as a past , big time- lifetime member of worriers anonymous- it feels nice. i do worry one little bit(ha!) tho that what if it stays and i just give up worrying forever??? what will happen- if i am not "planning" or whatever worrying signifies????

not sure whether to rejoice or begin worrying again. i can't even believe i'm sayin that out loud- worryin about lack of worryin. didhja ever?

me stopping that rite there. interesting thing -last two nites - didn't wake up in middle of nite as usual (brain wanting to worry or sort thru junk - JUNK) - instead WOKE up at about 4:3o a.m. and just told self go back to sleep- can worry in the daylite. and my brain actually listened to me and did. then when day comes - if i'm well rested i can just shove it over and not think about anything for anotehr day. i'm geting alot better at it. hope it sticks when i'm back in nj- i can't even think about that either- just no thinking going on here.

oh well huh? i'll take it. thanks for stopping by- i've been a bum lately about keeping in touch here. i forget how busy life gets when other people are around and in it- much better tho - to be totally distracted and busy and doin what i oughta....

hope you are good too. is your summer going okay and are you enjoying it?

the detachment thing- where does it all lead? where does it all end? can't figure- can't address it - i haven't got a clue "what i want " out of life - i've got a much better idea what i don't want. i'm pretty wide open on what i want it to be. who i wanna be - idk??? i'm pretty sure i'm just gonna be who i am- i do wonder WHERE tho, i have a big urge sometimes to just go find somewhere ELSE - Somewhere lovely or exciting or something like that. there are soooo many charming places in the world to be & see. but i'm pretty darn happy in my own back yard too -. oh well huh? now i'm a charter member of confused but "even" (at the moment anyway) I'm grateful to have the ability to be all zoned out -honestly. see what i mean bout h - and me havin this life that i could not in my wildest dreams afford to provide for myself ?? idk man- .

okay - gonna go sew something or something pleasant and think about it alllll tomorrow (SCARLETT)

XXO AND GLAD TO HEAR YOUR "VOICE"..

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HEY HI BACK-

GOOD TO HEAR YOUR VOICE TOO. and glad you're still "out there". i was all on a binge up north and even almost (yeah- so me huh? always "almost" ) picked up the darn phone and told you to come and help me dejunk. it's the mindset - i may be getting it more and more (fingers crossed). not the giant miracle i need - but small steps and "feeling like it" when it comes to loading up and ditching. so i am hopeful about that- i wish i'd paint my attic allll white like the charming pictures in magazines with white beams, etc. who knows, - maybe that will move me to do it???

hope springs eternal here about the junk thing. I DO AGREE WHOLE heartedly about the not thinking thing. i think it's just habit- the continual being aware- being responsible - or feeling responsible (for everyone) and their happiness, running junk thru the brain - . it's insanity really- i can see clearly that i'm not high on anyone elses list - why in the world i would think i have some special "duty" i can't even imagine. but do i have a "theory" about it- nope. that's progress in itself.

can't even cook one up - and that is NOT LIKE ME at all.

i've spent so much time analyzing every stinkin thing - that i think i made myself nuts. so, i'm hopeful that this inability to even get my brain cranked up and running is merely (hopefully) BRAIN taking over and shutting the engine off for awhile (since i'm able.) (savoring the moments of that particluar freedom).

it's a weierd thing - the contrast thing. when i realize sometimes i could be facing "end" of life as i know it- it actually seems very nice at the moment to be in my life and this "don't care" thing is also very nice. to just not really give a damn what happens next. maybe if the only realistic expectations should be of bad things- ya just get to a point of not lookin for trouble and expecting them- just keeping alive and will deal with whatever it is, when it comes.

i think just letting brain float back over last bunch of years - so awful really - but i don't feel the need to "dip back down" into all that" . h , mom, (her really sad-bad last year) dyin finally - allll the terrible feelings that are over; for good - so why even re-inspect them. somtimes it seems like it's our "duty" to keep aware of those bad experiences so we don't ever go there again- but i don't think so, really. (in the end) THAT might be the bad habit bit- reliving bad stuff.

maybe it's just as crucial to any sort of future happiness to let it allll go and be done and over. no more i did this, you did that, etc. or assignment of blame or lable. (a biggie with me). when i really feel that - and i'm not just "sayin it" but feelin it - i have some hope here for my brain just getting rite back to normal sometime and leaving the past in the past. (fingers crossed).

it's become apparent that i have very very little actual control over most of stuff that wigs me out- (and hopefully i'm not dying or anything like that) soooo free for the moment (this very moment that is).

oh well- that big thought wore me out- so i'm back to empty head here- i am not totally sure, but i don't think i have any expectations any more. as long as no one is dying today- or poking me with a sharp stick - i'm good.

hope you're enjoying your summer and you and son are doing well.

xxoo and thanks for checkin in.

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Hey my friend. Well, almost calling is better than not thinking of it at all....so, I will take it. LOL!

You know, I have simplified my life a great deal. Come to realize that I dont need things to be happy. Realized, also, that worrying doesnt effect an outcome, so why do it? Most times that mindset works.

I have come into an acceptance of sorts about most things. At least the things I have no control over. Still working on accepting some other stuff.

So, I am at a point where I have to figure out how to live in the moment more. Because that's really where it matters. Be present in the lives of those I care about. I am learning not to worry about what people who arent important in my life have to say. More simplifying, I think.

Control the controllables. The rest, will play out as it does.

I think you are slowly figuring stuff out, Nero. I really do. Figuring out who and what's important. Figuring out that life happens in spite of all our efforts. And that maybe, choosing joy in the little things and being grateful for what we have, and not worrying about what we dont, is what matters.

Hope one day to get that call from you. Even if it is just to hang for a bit. smile

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Hiya -

i'm gonna say up front tht i'm with ya sister about the "simplify" and be grateful thing. maybe add have some (modest) hope about future.

i am grateful for the truly simple tiny little things that seem to really make up my daily life and everyone's for that matter. if I laugh hard with the kids, get some sleep- even take stock daily of my life - which is more privileged than most - and i do know it- and i do appreciate it. (maybe knowing also that that could end any moment- any day- (and likely might) makes it all the more good today. idk- goin with it anyway-

I miss my mom being there- she was my entire life - but i feel the freedom from stress of knowing every day that i was responsible for her and where her memory loss was heading and if she'd make it thru the day okay (a real concern when 89, ill, etc) it's sad - a mixed thing.

i find i do not dread the future- somehow in background of my mind- i assume things "will turn out okay". just on their own- in general. sounds crazy- but i find i still have most of my generally optimistic attitude (at least when i've had sleep) and not really "thinnking" about "it".

believe me when i say- you're not forgotten, i'm just my (lately) unfocused and feeling a bit overwhelmed self- the switching locations & introducing extra people 24-7 always seems "busy' til i adjust. kids are great but wear me completely out - for the day.

just when i'm getting adjusted- it's gonna change next week . i do really not like that aspect of my life.

if i ever could feel comfortable and able to change it- i would. (final decision to live one place or the other- finality of fulltime job- etc.) also if i could figure out - bottom line really - what the heck it is EXACTLY i want and am willing to sacrafice to get it - i'd be doing good.

i think h could go on like this forever - even tho i find that thought impossible to believe. who in their right mind would want it?

as usual- sos with me.I like that you say (very generously) that i am figuring things out and it makes me feel reinforced.

bad news is that what i figure is that i am surrendering the need or supposition that i have to even try to control stuff, h, anything really. i've figured out that the things in life that are the truly important - are beyond my control and even understanding(mostly). And really that i don't have to figure out and analyze - just leave it alone - it's "unfigureable" and if i do not address it- it usually slides by. I am soo better at that all- biting my tongue - not asking - comfortable a bit more with not knowing and not thinking i've got to know and got to be "responsible" and in charge and making decisions and monitoring junk and keeping everyone happy. (me included)

it takes a hell of alot of pressure off ya- knowing you are normal and it's okay not to know. don't mean to sound defeatist - but as tings proceed here - i'd say my current take is that this is "it". as things are- as h is.

i'm not sure what the exact definition of that is. FOR ME - FOR THE MOMENT - as long as i don't have to incorporate a giant change in life rite now (emphasis on rite now) - i can go along with this til i am "fully cooked".

I can see that things are much better than a year or two ago between us- h still has his "moods" and i am not used to that - tho it's waaaaay better than when he was cold and rotten 24-7. i am not "affected" by him so much - i do not care if he's mad or pi$$y - it comes and goes. sometimes he seems normal like old self. of course, ow being "there" in his life somewhere would be the deal breaker ultimately. can't even think about that at the moment.

if i ever heard anything positive from him about r or me , or what i mean to him & his life) (and no-i do not ask, talk about it or go there) i might be able to feel alot for him again. (i'm speculating here) . As it is, i am in neutral and cannot allow self to feel any kind of major affecton for him. I don't feel like i really know him anymore. i am not sure i really like him anymore. he is kind and pleasant mostly- he does not go in for overt affection - i miss it in life. (he was never ever really goopy and affectionate - but waaay more playful & affectionate) believe me. i can see why people get dogs.

i'm croakin here on that count. i have patience- alot of it- but really, i can't imagine if i'll make it "to the end". whatever that will be. oh- i see, whatever comes will and whatever end is going to occur- it will. no real need for me to know or do huh? well yay- because i sure do not.

I probably should do it (get a dog) - but still feel too unstable. i read that average person needs 17 hugs a day- ha! i'd kill for one. oh well huh?.

playing with the kids is great. i feel like an addict (of affection/love) trying to reform. it's hard to let go- this cold turkey (h - ha, get it) (him bein the turkey) is killin me.

you are sounding good - i agree with simplifying. idk why the " junk" seems to symbolize my past life and alll the confusion and madness.

i sure do not need the "things" either. A car that runs is a very very nice thing to have (don't care if it's old or not). and a roof over my head - and I do like the garden too. most of the rest of the "stuff" crucial to anyone's life - i'mnot caring toomuch.

i'm getting so darn good about living in the moment- i'm finding it hard to think forward or backward most days at all. i may be going too far the other way- but i'm not going to worry about THAT - either. it's the worrying that i'mnot worrying enough. wtf???

I am glad for a few friends - it's not quite as satisfying as having your own "mate" in life - but maybe i've been spoiled and i don't get that anymore. my sisters are pretty much all at odds with each other and me.

it's a very "destabilizing" thing- to have your mother die and then realize these people you thought you cared a ton about- and they about you- are actually hostile. that's a tough one. i'm getting better with it tho.

the whole notion that my entire life has changed and is changing - that all the most important people are either dead or going -

workin on it - doing okay in general i'd say. makin today count - afterall - i might be dead tomorrow? rite?

hope any of that made sense- i think overall i'm hanging in there alright. you sound good too- it sure is a day by day thing- life.

xxoo i will really pick up that stupid phone some day. i did say somewhere, didn't I, that i have trouble making plans and commitments? idon't know really what that is-

my horrorscope said it " you need to know you're free at every moment - you don't do anything with that freedom- but you have to know you have it". it was a very astute observation of me personally.

i'll go do tarot cards (bought them for al ark) it's funny- they keep saying "have patience" and so on.

after about three times of advice like that- i decided to read every single card to see if that's what they alllll said. but no, there are others - so who knows??? i'm askin ya-

i believe God can happily coexist with any other God, orn otion of him- and a wholw universe of unseen -unknowable things- maybe even fairies in the garden??? ya gotta wonder

xxoo

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one modification- when i say about my mom "she was my entire life" - i mean she was "THERE" MY ENTIRE life, in that house, on that street - like a little rock in her little house- you knew you could phone and find her. the one person in universe that was ...

not that she made up my entire life- sounds creepy when ya read it. i'm not that wierd - thank goodness

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Hi anyone-

Just checkin in. Still alive out here - after a month+ together with h in fla & nj. It felt (mostly) nice and like old times somewhat. he is, in life more calm & pleasant & bit more affectionate than past five years (BUT) ow still apparently "there" and it still icks me out..

honestly- i wonder now if it IS mlc (tho he did match up with every single thing mwd described) or if he's a cheating lying rat of a person that i just trusted & loved (too much). i always thought there could not be such a thing as "love too much". could i have been wrong about that & everything forever?

one wonders... it was a nice way to think for 60 years. i am loath to let go of it really. feeling more and more unable to find that other woman i was. fighting negativity - am going with the lesser awful alternative right now - "not caring" about mostly everything. i'm working on brainwashing self- if i say i do not care enough - hopefully i will achieve it. most things= i really don't. is it progress? hope so..... compared to dying any time - it all is so much junk isn't it? the stuff i worry about ...aside from "love" (magical love) - i have most of what i need in life rite now- i'm grateful for that. so I am on cruise - see what future presents.

I am more chilled & "normal"-ish than i have been in years. I think brain and "caring" still in suspension - mom dying, last five years of he!!, family nuts&hostile, etc.

it's okay tho- i hope i am getting used to the idea of whatever is the next big challenge here- getting thru the estate - and then, next thing on my plate(whatever that will be) while i'm getting on with my life in whatever way it's gonna shape up.

mayube it's helpful to me- to have one "project" at a time thing goin on. first it was just not spontaneously dying of grief. i cannot begin to explain the depth & breadth.

then getting me and her thru mom's health, memory problems and last couple lyears of life. long long years - sad sad end. but end it did - as we all must i guess. i'm trying to get philosophical about death. (alot around in last five years).

it does make ya realize it could all be over tomorrow- make today as good as you can - if possible. so i'm workin on that and am likely to keep t his philosophy forever i believe.

Now, oversee mom's estate - disgruntled sisters - hostility leaking out of their eyeballs. who are these people???? i'm appalled by the un-gratitude of these women who are my sisters. I thought we all were a family and loved each other. i am/was wrong as can be. honestly. most appaling polly anna.

it's a major battle to not see everyone alive as criminally self-centered . major battle also to not say it to them - and burn every bridge in sight. I know i need to have connection and "family" (whatever that is) it's kind of meaningless to me at the moment- but i still cling to the hope it means something and in the end there is some pack i belong to. idk tho

then - what??? figure out for good whether to "keep" or "dispose of" my life as it is (was) ??? I feel pleasantly numb (well, not in pain) - and unable & unwilling to decide one darn thing. i don't know any answers here. I don't know one darn thing. except that maybe money really is the root of all evil. what it can inspire in people.

so i'm on cruise (as usual) - signed up to substitute teach again, joined a gym and go in every day, still walk for an hour every day- am on lookout for a couple clubs or something social to go get out even more. I had a great weekend, laughed alot, busy as heck - either perking up in life or shell shock- i'll take it. , i am not sure if i'm still "dbing" as in there's any real hope that this r - whatever it was or is - is supposed to be in my life.

When i began dbing - i was certain he loved me but was too stupid to know. now, idk. maybe he's a person who does not know what it is, how to express it, only room in his heart for himself. as far as a partner - anyone will do that fits bill & accomodates his needs. a very very grim outlook for me- of hinm. But maybe i always saw too much good where there wasn't much - or something like that. can't even judge him - (or me)

Only God knows that one.

I am a woman with an addiction to this guy and what i thought my life was i think. it is an unthinking "need" (my "pack" ) he's all i seem to have at the moment. don't know where it goes or ends - i sure can relate to quitting smoking, or drinking, losing 200 lb, whatever. seems insurmountable - but could be "hurting" you, so need to address it some day. i'm still telling myself i can always walk out tomorrow.

I am truly either a miracle of self-control and fortitude - or a dope. who the heck knows til the "end". mwd sure is right when she said however long it takes (and it could take a long long time) it seems alot longer by far. today- i'd say a million years.

I haven't talked to him in three days-. it's a long long time for us - i wonder why bother to even share my life with someone like him? given this sitch - of his creation - why would he call (i didn't pick up sun.) and why would i talk?

i just have nothing to say to him - so i'm stfu-ing. I can't figure what else to do.

but i'm lots better in every way , i feel - so i guess it's not "bad" . anyone's call.

(do ya ever really really "get over" a broken heart? i know it recedes - does it ever go away- do ya forget? totally? REALLY? THAT IS, if you don't find a perfectly wonderful love to replace it?

i'm outta here. lots to do - as usual I think i'm going to accomplish everything in the world in this day. ta da...

wish me luck and that i find whatever it is i need here... wisdom,? love?, peace of mind (a bit more of that please),

xxo - thanks to all you guys that have been my "lifeline" for so long- . i'm still "workin on it" . on well fall down 23, get up 24

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