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HEY HI WILLBE-

YOU AND ME MAN- we're psycho-mates. i wantto get there too- i want to quit this crappola and KNOW FOR SURE what the heck i want and where to get it and how and so forth.

oh well huh? i can feel the frustration vibrating rite inside me sometimes - and impatience - just can't make it happen before it happens tho, can we???

oh w3ell- gotta go feel edgy and try and tidy up this house that i lfet til too late because my brain thinks, "yeah, don't like it? suck it up - i don't like alot of your "junk" either" and then i procrastimante. oh well- not going to kill self- shouldn't even be here poking around- but ta da...

trying to lighten up- on my expectations of self - and in my response to those of others. i t hink it's a HUGE problem for me- reacting to what other's want from me or expect from me. i do not get to have too many from anyone that are met - really.

you know- i don't know what the heck he wants from me or comes for. i'm tired. if you didn't have kids - who the heck knows? i think if i did have them- he'd not be so "gone".... i don't think either are "the reason" - i think it's in their heads. i honestly doo believe mwd when she says it's an insanity of a sort. problem is- what the heck does that mean to us - do for us or make us?

we still just get to be bashed around by this stupid, unreasonable and UNFAIR SITCH- oh well huh? life.

i keep thinking fair or not- maybe it's just my "turn" in life to have a boatload of $hit going on that i gotta wade thru. i sure can't find any good reason or anhything.

like you- i get tyhru the day. HEY - BUDDHA AND EVERYONE WISE OUT THERE - says this is the best way to be. maybe, i hope & pray- this is benefitting us if we are truly just getting thru the days. maybe we're becoming wise??? i used to have a notion of what my future would be- try to have and find security- etc., i used to treasure my past and maybe look back toooo much - too fond notions and expectations of everyone and everything maybe-

maybe we are and will be better people as a result(one can only hope)idk man -

xxoo hang on - i think we'll get there in the end (who knows when that will be tho) i sure hope we're laughing about this in five years - ya think?

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yes, I believe that h follows the mlc script and he is going to eventually wake up but by then it will be too late. i can already feel myself disengaging. I am starting to not like who he has become.
I do want to treat others kindly. this sit has taught me to think and recognize more...that's a good thing. hope I don't lose it.
I was hoping at this point in life or sometime soon that i could say...I have learned. I get it, I am arriving, maybe Ive got a little wisdom under my belt....
I am no where near!
There are so many smart, strong, wise people on this board. wish i could have a minuscule part of that!
I am all for learning and growing everyday. Sure we are growing from this and becoming better people. Atleast one thing I feel certain of.


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
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hey hi willbe-

forgive my disappearance and slow reply- h was here, we went to martha's vinyard for a nice trip (him being nice makes me very suspicious- sorry) - it was good. then sister & my greatneice came for visit for ten days or so- soooo nice to see the baby & play (she's five- not a baby but a 'big girl" now) anyway-love that kid- miss her alot when i'm not in fl- my sister was going to 'work" at mom's house & begin to help me sort thru, etc. - she did a whole lot (of nothing unfortunately). she is the queen of "not being able" to do x, y or Z - and then i am the "clear up queen". we are quite a pair.

as usual- i'm determined to un-become what and who i am & be more forceful and less crowd pleaser. slow going on that.

sooooo - not on line much. everyone gone- ta da- back to the forum for me.

I agree with you about the people on forum- i can only hope and pray to become one fraction as "together" as some and as "moved on" as some too. as far as "GROWING" - I HAVE - TEN EXTRA lbs worth. i figure my stress-response must have been to eat anything that crossed my path and couldn't out run me - for the past year.

went to pack a few things for shore & my comfy chub shorts couldn't even zipper up- nuts... sun dresses til my waist reappears.

soooo- all this "keeping self wrapped up tightly" is taking it's toll.

oh well- i agree that me, the person, is improved. i wonder tho about everything else. now that i'm here- i bore myself.

better go garden or clean or do something useful- or creative- ...

with no body to share life & almost anything with (i know - this is fatal, but what the heck) it all seems soooooo kind of not fun and pointless. i continue forward - go act as if, go have pma - etc. i do see that it's necessary to keep going & hope it becomes reality - i just feel fizzled out alot, tired and see exactly what im doing. getting thru an other day - but don't quite feel like i'm "living" it up-

i think i expect too much from self & life maybe. i hope it recedes a bit. i'd not have thought i ask for much at all really - this sister(war-anger) stuff is depressing as heck- selling mom's house (and dismantling her life) is depressing- hey, maybe that's what's bugging me today (aside from fourth ofjuly being the total f'ing anniversary of THE BOMB in life.

hey- good news is, it's gone for another year - yay.....

okay - misery train pulling out of station..

xxoo thanks for note- i'm outta here. i am sorry to be a bummer- if honest, i think h's improved a heck of alot in the companionship department-more pleasant & even affectionate sometimes. see old r sometimes (tho, strictly no actual verbalization (or physical-i-zation) of anything - God forbid!!!) i do not think it means anything really- i do worry that he's just getting comfy with life as it is and thinks he and ow and me just all rub along together for eternity now- eeeeeeek iccckkkkk

i am impatient as usual - oh well huh???

xxo

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Nero, it is always difficult dealing with a parent's death - it is good that your h wants to spend time with you and is civil.

Maybe he is working through his stuff. Although there is a script, they all walk a different path.

Still being alone at our age isn't always a lot of fun, and we have to work hard at counting our blessings. I am not sure whether I simply do not want a relationship or whether it is a response to a lack of men. I have snooped on dating websites, usually when friends are boy shopping, and haven't seen a single guy that doesn't make me want to run for the hills. If that is being 'too fussy' then I will go with that label. There seems to be a lot more choice if you are younger, but not prepared to lie about my age!

I have been trying 'mindfulnesss' or living in the moment as an antidote to periods of depression. Apparently in depression we get into a stuck mode, when we are cut off from our good memories (like the MLCer) and if we live minute by minute, it helps us out of it. It also helps us to change, because we aren't reliving old scenes, but treating the experience as a new one.

I like my mindful state, and feel more alive. Next stop meditation.

It would be good to be able to report that my xh is now a calm and sober citizen full of remorse, but sadly that would not be true.

however my youngest son just landed a great job against stiff competition

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Hi bea -

and thanks for the thoughtful note. I'm so glad for your son - it's a hard job market - so yay him. i swear- if it weren't for my neices and their kids and some young people to be interested in and care about- i'd croak. and that is the truth.

adults are such a bother and soooo devoid of , well, mirth really. I love my friends - but my sisters drive me nuts - and the kids are saving me totally. visiting past week or so with 5 yr gr neice- i laughed so much- we goofed around sooo much & i miss her like crazy. makes me remember how good it feels to laugh - alot- every day. and how fun and easy to make a child happy and snatch a hug and life is allll soooo simple & good. i need more - it's my own giant addiction. gimme gimme

I am going to take a tip from you- and work alot (harder() on the mindfulness. You are right that i need to keep in the moment. As matter of fact, that is exactly what got me going down the "blue" road yesterday. wondering what the past million years really "were". if that's not non-productive - idk what is!!!

re h spending time with me- it's good and bad. i forget sometimes it's not what it was - what i thought. i don't know w hat it is really. i feel too old for this much uncertainty. i know life is change- God knows i've been told enough - i wonder if i were just totally alone and lonely all the time0- i'd adjust and not know about him and he would cease to exist in my life & memory. maybe i'd be done and happier. just wonder - ya kn ow?

re other men- - i'd like one, - i'm hoping that if i ever meet anyone worthwhile it will be that old pleasure to get to know each other - little by little, and form a r. remember that? when it was "fun" to get to know someone- not some chore we had to do- like cruise internet for dates - eeeeek.

you're very positive - it's heartening. i want to be "happy". i'm not sad- i'm not quite at happy tho. good luck with meditation. the closest i think i can get is when i walk and do stomach crunches and count. my brain is so full of looking around, and counting- i zone out. who knows, maye i can try it sometime again and have success. i do need to empty mind - alot.

today- i am not going to engage in convo about my sister's anger about not inheriting as much as everyone else.(???!!!) I am going to figure out what to do with this mountain of junk i brought down from attic - and i'm going to go get out in the garden soon and spread my mulch arund. i love my mulch bags- but last batch sat there for about three years - i know, how sad is that?

i DO have many things to be grate ful for. i do "get it" that we have to appreciate what we do have - and not waste time mourning what we don't have.

i am a "communicator" tho - too much maybe. i used to fill in all the blanks in my r with assumptions based on actions. (my mother wasn't a talker either- just like h).

now that i've given up the assumptions - im feelin like life is very empty of feelings. (something like that)

i'm very tired and bored by his usual old "stone wall" - light banter - strict avoidance of anything meaningful conversation thing. it's not enough- i'm croakin for something authentic and positive here. oh well- said it- moving past it- .

that being said- i have a lovely neice here in town - 16, good companion- we had a great long walk last nite- to local very charming cemetary- she took pix & we read stones, etc. very companionable & pleasant. i'm keeping that GOOD THOUGHT - and not letting h and allll the negative stuff creep in today-

or die trying.....so long and thanks

resolution number 6 million huh? who says, fall down 23, get up 24...

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Hi - read your comment about 63 being too old on Heather's thread, to become a new person (or something like that) really no, only if YOU think so. I am becoming more resolutely adventurous again after a long period of cowardice and fear (trauma induced no doubt, but nevertheless . . . .) Not sure whether anyone builds relationships at our age like that any more.

Really pleased for my son - and in a weird way the hurt he has experienced at his father's hands have made him a stronger person. I hate to have to say it, but standing up his his father, and being his own person at too young an age have made him a tough young man. Not something I feel called to thank my xh for, but in a weird way I do not think the rather cossetted baby of the family would have had the drive to do this. Maybe he would.

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How old was Grandma Moses when she started painting???? :-)

Sounds like your God-given talents with children and the joy you share with them...well, maybe this is the path to choose?

Nero, there are sooooo many children needing love and you have lots to give.


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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hi guys and thanks for comments.

i know you both are absolutely right- we're limited ONLY by what we think we "can't" do. funny how easily i can believe this and tell my neices the same thing- and i do feel it's true. (finding hard to apply to self and actually become something different)

I think i am a bit worn down by the past few years - mom's death & seeing up close how each day may be our last - and my inability to just jump up- hate h's guts and walk away without a shred of doubt.

i hate that i can't yet view lonliness as a better option than this life. i know i have it really good in a million ways.

i'm bummed to not have "love" as i always thought I did - to feel it. im just a bummer this morning- so i'm going out in garden spread that darn mulch and hopefully work it off.

sorry and thanks. i'm usually better than this-

xxo

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One thing I really believe and it is that affairs are emotional abuse. We tend to see an affair quite wrongly.

As Frank Pittman said, it is not a sign that there is something wrong with the marriage, but that something is wrong with the person having the affair.

Financially can you separate from your h and still be OK? (I seem to remember that you are not married, and live somewhere where a long term relationship confers no legal rights.)

Only you can answer the question 'Am I better off emotionally with this guy or without him' There have been times when I have queried this but in my case I have no real doubt, the price would be too high, but we are all different.

As an observer I do not think you value yourself enough, and people dump on you. I hate to know that you are unhappy, and this jerk isn't mature enough to stop behaving in this way.

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hey nero, been awhile. I said to h that I din't believe it was all made up fantasy on my part, that there was some geniune and real to it. we go back a long ways. we do have good memories.
i know I still get jealous of the good that someone else(ow) may be the recipient of now. I hear 25 in my head "life's not fair..."
new ow doesn't have "our memories".
I"ve gained from this. I have met so many strong and really upstandidng and outstanding women that I may have never met had I not come here.
Spread your talent, your gift, your nurturing, your love. You hav e the ability to grow things!


M48 H50
M21 T26
S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old
PA confirmed 7/2012
H separates 9/2012
H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY
OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
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