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Joined: Jun 2014
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Elenabe Offline OP
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Dear all,
I'm French, married for 17 years, 3 girls (11,14,16), have had a very satisfactory sexual life until two years ago, when things started to go wrong. I lost weight, He gained weight, he started a new job, and as the new job was more and more successful, took more and more of his time, he got less interested in sex, was more and more tired, got asleep on the couch and no longer in our bed. 2 years ago I gently asked him about this new situation: he answered that "desire seemed to have disappear, but that I was still his wife". Isstead of hearing the second part of the sentence, I was panic-striken: can you love a wife you no longer desire? My fears and inability to talk has been increasing since. I've read Michelle's book + dozens of other books. I have tried nothing, except letting go of the pressure, never asking for anything, never blaming, trying to be nice and give him some air..focus on my sense of lack, neediness, and inability to talk. This seems to have worked last summer: I was not expecting anything, I had let it go, focusing on sharing quality time with H, friends and family, and suddenly my husband got sexually involved again. I thought that this was great (but did not tell him: I love it when we have sex together), and on coming back home, decided that I would not talk about the issue, and build on the return of confidence. But then, physical distance returned. I am stuck in a silly position of "I'm too frightened to talk" but "I'm frustrated, sad, feel rejected".. well, each of my emotion is in Michelle's book; My H works a lot, his job means a lot to him, that's where he is a hero. A few days ago, he told me that he hoped he was a good friend and a good father, since he knew he was probably not a good husband. I wanted to take him in my arms, but could not do that. I dare not hold his hand, and I crave for it: the fear of embarrassing him, of being rejected is too strong. If I kiss him tenderly to say hello or goodbye: he says 'what is happening to you?" as if my behaviour was unexpected. (It is in a way, I've been withholding all my affectionate gestures). I guess I need to find the right moment to talk gently, but there is no right moment: he is very busy at the moment, which always gives me the feeling that he is better off away from home. I read the signs, interpret them in thousands of ways, am no longer focused on myself, my kids, my work: I procrastinate, imagine all the possible "speaking" scenarios and every time I do that I feel a pang of anguish, and recoil. The only thing I am allowed to touch are his feet, that he asks me to massage when we are watching TV, which gives me the strange symbolic impression of being some kind of geisha. I massage his feet, and he gets to sleep. I have learnt now that a man does not exactly control his erections, that he might still love me but... my main fear is to talk and to have to hear: I do not love you anymore...
SOme books tell me: you should find the right moment to talk. Some books tell me, do not talk: to touchy, change yourself, be nice and happy, (the mindful loving approach), think positive..
PS: I love my husband, I never nag, I validate him, listen to him. He may have a mistress, my intuition tells me this is not the case. My intuition tells me that from the moment when sex became less easy for him, when he could no longer be my bedtime hero, he ceased to be interested: again I never blame, but never talk, cry when he is away, put on a nice smile when he is back.
I have to say that my girls are fantastic, that my friends are great, that I am not alone, and that I sometimes feel guilty for not being contented with what I have: a family, a job, friends, parents, a nice apartment. I simply lacked being in his arms.
I have asked him for lunch next week, he seems not to realize that I may have difficult things to say: it is my birthday, maybe not a good time for this kind of talk.
I thank you all for any useful insights and wish you well


Elenabe
Joined: Nov 2009
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Joined: Nov 2009
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I am going to put your post in newcomers
on this thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...982#Post2457982


Me-70, D37,S36
Joined: Oct 2013
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I have read through your post and urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach as soon as possible. I would like you to get professional advice on how to handle your lunch date conversation. If you speak to a coach, you will have the confidence and knowledge that what you are saying is correct and will elicit a positive, thoughtful response. Often we avoid talking about things because it never seems to be the right time or place. You have been in limbo for too long, I can feel your discomfort and indecision in your post. Please call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004


Roberta, Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Roberta@divorcebusting.com

Moderated by  Michele Weiner-Davis 

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