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A Message from Michele
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Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2517159
12/14/14 03:35 PM
12/14/14 03:35 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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Originally Posted By: SemperFi00

The biggest challenge I have right now is my desire to see if we could build something again where we could have that connection and communication...... and balancing that with the fact that W feels is either not possible or would take too much effort.....


You can do this, it just might not be as a married couple.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2517757
12/16/14 03:13 PM
12/16/14 03:13 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
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New England Region
Originally Posted By: labug
Originally Posted By: SemperFi00

The biggest challenge I have right now is my desire to see if we could build something again where we could have that connection and communication...... and balancing that with the fact that W feels is either not possible or would take too much effort.....


You can do this, it just might not be as a married couple.



Thanks labug. I have been thinking about ^^^^ over the past couple of days. At this point, I am not sure I would want that connection and communication if it was not in the context of committed partnership.

I struggle with whether that feeling is consistent with who I want to be going forward. I realize that things/feelings can certainly change going forward but that is where I am at right now.

At some level I don't like that I feel that way about W but I am not sure how (or even how likely it would be) to be have a non-intimate R with someone I have shared so much.

Thanks for the thought provoking comments.


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2518550
12/18/14 07:04 PM
12/18/14 07:04 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Posts: 598
New England Region
Couple of updates.........

- things continue about the same as before, somewhat normal except for that fact that W has D papers somewhere in the house.
- have continued decorating a little bit each night with the boys and occasionally W will poke her head in and see how it is going
- was asked to be part of the coaching staff for an all-Star fball team here and we have the "draft" for that tonight. Will be good to see everyone tonight.

not feeling very balanced right now. feeling very frustrated and want very much to call W and say give me the papers now and let's get this bus moving somewhere - too emotional to do it now so writing here instead...... also why ruin Xmas for the kids be reacting now - I've made it this far right????

Wonder if W is waiting until after Xmas to give me the paperwork for the same reason?

arrrgghhhh!!!!


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2521449
12/29/14 07:12 PM
12/29/14 07:12 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Posts: 598
New England Region
Merry (belated) Christmas to all here!!

Checking in since it has been a couple of weeks since my last post........

Have had some time off from work which has been good and bad - good because getting to spend time with kids and relaxing: bad because without the routine of work there has been plenty of time for thinking about the situation and all of what is to come........

On a grading scale I would give myself a C+ or maybe B- in the areas of maintaining detachment and GALing. I think that W and I continuing to remain in the same house makes it even more difficult....


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2522055
12/31/14 02:33 PM
12/31/14 02:33 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
Holidays so far have been good but kind of weird at the same time.

Have really enjoyed some time off work and hanging out with the boys - watching movies, playing games. Nothing huge just hanging and spending time together.

Got asked to help coach state All-Star football game. Very excited about that. Had draft for that event and completing some paperwork now - game is not until June but expect it to be a lot of fun.

Went to couple friends house on Xmas eve. W's comment was "XX is having some people over and I assumed you would want to go. I want to go early and not stay too late". These were very close friends of ours that we did alot with pre-B date (vacations, movies, etc.....). At that party W seemed normal self - laughing, telling stories, etc.....

W's sister and family came to our house for Xmas day dinner and was good to see all the nieces and nephews. W's brother also came over. All seemed like old (pre-B times) except for the fact that both and W and her S are planning their exit from the families. Still seems weird to me that at time they can act like all is good but have this whole other thing going on........

W wants new car and asked me yesterday to go with her to look at one. At least I think that she asked me in a kind of round about way. She announced to everyone a couple of days back that she wanted to get it done by the end of the year - yesterday she said she was going to test drive, S16 said he wanted to go also and W said to me that I was more than welcome to go also. I think that in the current situation, that is her way of asking me to go without feeling dependant upon me. Thoughts?????

Still nothing on paperwork that was served to house mid-Dec while I was out of town. Asked W about the Sat after I returned and she said she would give it me later that evening. No mention since - I have not asked because I don't want to encourage any further action.

Not sure if this is the correct approach - not sure what is in the paperwork and if there is a pending court date or not.

Thoughts, comments, 2x4s welcome and appreciated......

Happy New Year's to everyone here. Stay strong!!!!


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2522349
01/01/15 03:05 PM
01/01/15 03:05 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
S
SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
Morning all and Happy New Year!

Sense a little change in W's demeanor but (now) know enough and am detached enough to not let it get me too excited... damn those silly expectations when that happens. the key word in ^^^^ is "too"

Yesterday went to see T for first time in probably 5-6 weeks (he had been out with surgery). Although nothing concrete I can really point to, feel good to talk to him.

T told me that it seemed like I was more relaxed than I had been and stated that from his perspective he believes W probably felt emotionally disconnected from me and that I was likely a hard person to get to know on an emotional level.

Seems like I always focus on what should be done/what is right/what is responsible, etc..... Need to think about this a bit more because at least initially acting this way seems like the appropriate/mature thing to do (oops guess there I go again.............)

He gave me a technique to try - when engaging with W rather than trying to solve, rationalize, explain. Just tell her how I am feeling and then stop - wait for her reaction and see how things go.

will try but the logical and problem solving approach is so easy and natural (and worked for quite some time)....

ugh!


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2522686
01/02/15 06:25 PM
01/02/15 06:25 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
Posting to try and get some emotions and thoughts under control.....

Just called the courts directly and found out the first appearance is scheduled for 01/07/15. Still nothing from W and has not given me the paperwork that was served to house while I was out of town.....

Really????? After 20+ years I don't deserve better than this? Crazy making.

Ugh!!!! Stupid expectations sneaking in under the radar again I guess.

Want so bad to confront her but given how I am feeling right now I don't think that would accomplish anything positive. Is it possible that she really has her head in the sand about this?

Why do I feel like I have to drive/initiate this if W is the one who wants it so badly. Seems very unfair! Aren't we eventually going to need to have a grown up conversation about how W proposes things will be in the future???

Part of me wants to just not mention it to her and see what happens - who knows maybe she really has blocked it out and won't even show up......

WTH?!?!?!?

Thoughts/comments/guidance appreciated......


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2522715
01/02/15 07:39 PM
01/02/15 07:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
S
SemperFi00 Offline OP
Member
SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
Is it possible that W (or STBXW now?) is trying to set me up?

That would be despicable - but I guess not outside the realm of possibility......

At some point, given that we have children to consider don't we have to have an adult conversation about this situation. Or is she just content to let things meander along?

I don't want to have to be the one driving the process - especially since I don't want the D in the first place.

Very angry right now that W has forced/initiated this situation but seems in an almost sneaky way.

And yet there is a part of me (that is dwindling) that still feels some compassion for her and believes that inside she must feel horrible about the way she is doing this.......

ugh! I am all over the place right now........


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2522724
01/02/15 08:24 PM
01/02/15 08:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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labug  Offline
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Sonoran Desert
Anything's possible.

Your mind is creating a lot of anxiety right now. Why not just ask her?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2522727
01/02/15 08:38 PM
01/02/15 08:38 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 5,301
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Sotto Offline
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I agree. Your mind is working overtime here! Just have a think about what information you need here, and pleasantly ask for it..


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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