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A Message from Michele
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Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2515982
12/10/14 07:24 PM
12/10/14 07:24 PM
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Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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New England Region
Journaling a couple of things from a GAL / gratitude perspective

Maybe seeing it written down will add perspective and keep some of the feelings in check…………. I think everything also seems a bit worse because of the holiday season right now……

- Sun night. Football awards banquet for local hs team – great to see all the kids back together again for some good story sharing and food. Nice to see that being involved in coaching them really does make a difference

- Sun aft. Spent a couple of hours with S9 decorating a small Christmas specifically for his bedroom. He had to carefully inspect and place each ornament but it was fun to just spend the time with him. S9 also helped me take the screens out of the window to get ready for additional decorating. W made comment to s18 about s9 having “lots of daddy time” today. Made me feel good.

- Couple of weekends ago had a great weekend trip with S16. Visited KC to attend the Den/KC game. Also got to visit with family friends we used to vacation with – see previous post

- Traveled safely from New Eng to Southwest for business meetings. Safety always a plus…

- Had dinner last night with sister, her husband and nephews. Great to be able to fit that in during trip.

- Joined a 15 min mindfulness meditation at lunch today. Nice to work for an employer who provides that as a benefit. In fact, nice to be employed.

- Yesterday received pretty good news on year end bonus front

- Hoping to see sister and nephews again this evening and maybe go with them to pick out a Christmas tree. That should be a lot of fun!

There is some good stuff ^^^^ and I need to try and stay focused on those things and continuing to move forward.

Seems like the M/R is always somewhere in the background lurking around though ……… I don’t think I am quite as obsessed about it as may last couple of posts seemed.

Maybe the combination of the traveling and the text triggered some feelings for a couple of hours????


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2516070
12/10/14 11:13 PM
12/10/14 11:13 PM
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Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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New England Region
updated profile information to reflect recent developments and ages.....


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2516072
12/10/14 11:18 PM
12/10/14 11:18 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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New England Region
Poking around and found an old quote from Coach that really seemed to speak to me. Copying here to potentially remind myself.

Originally Posted By: Coach
Guilt is when you feel bad about something you did (behavior). It's normal and healthy in the right amounts.

Shame is when you feel bad because you think there is something wrong with you. If only I was better, more lovable, smarter, better looking, made more money, skinnier, etc then she/he would love me. So the self talk is I have a flaw that precludes me from being loved. This leads to pessimistic thinking, co-dependence, anger, and catastrophising.

There is nothing wrong with you. Have you made mistakes, sure. Who on this earth hasn't. Nothing wrong with making mistakes, it's how you recover. Start by loving yourself enough to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. Who would want to love you if you don't love yourself? BTW this will help you detach.


The part that resonated was the part about shame - particularly about the self-talk around flaws.

Any suggestions on how to deal / tame the shame beast?


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2516086
12/11/14 12:11 AM
12/11/14 12:11 AM
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 942
Minnesota
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Wet Offline
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Wet  Offline
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Posts: 942
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Thanks Semper Fi for digging Coach's quote up. Yes, I agree, it is very helpful. I am sorry I do not have any suggestions for taming the shame beast, but I'm hoping we can learn together better techniques.


Me-54 yrs; W: 50 yrs
4 kids- D: 22,20,19; S:15
"Trial" Divorce: 04/14 - 6/14
Separated: 06/2013- divorced 08/2016

“The strongest of all warriors are these two — Time and Patience.” War and Peace
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: Wet] #2516192
12/11/14 05:09 AM
12/11/14 05:09 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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No problem Wet. Thanks for taking an interest in my thread.

Not sure how to tame the shame beast and honestly before finding this earlier today not sure I ever really thought of how I was feeling the context of shame.

Most times just in teh context of not being worthy and trying to focus on what things I could do to better myself. Probably a very helpful approach to identify opportunities for improvement until a person goes overboard with it (i.e. where I am at with it now).

W has yet to be able to really articulate (and I am reluctantly coming to the conclusion that she may not even know herself) what happened and why she is so convinced that her inability to be happy will be cured by no longer being married to me. Maybe just typical confusion and part of the story for WAS????

Her only comment is that she started down a path of self-discovery with a T to try and understand why she is not happy. Even though she has everything that she could want...... Right now she is at a place where she believes that her unhappiness has been caused by her constant focus on pleasing others and trying to make others happy at the expense of knowing who she really is.

And now for the first time in a long time she has her "voice" and knows that she can't become who she wants to be while married to me. In one of her analogies she compared herself to an alcoholic and I am the bottle of alcohol that she cannot resist.......

What???? Ugh, have to stop typing for a few minutes and try to collect my thoughts......

Not even sure that this is coherent at the moment - does W comments make sense to anyone else out there or is this typical WAS confusion/crazy logic???

Maybe I am just too close to this right now to be able to understand.......

Thoughts and prayers with all here - Stay strong!


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2516209
12/11/14 08:28 AM
12/11/14 08:28 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
Godless NW
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bravo61 Offline
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Read my sitch. My XW has found herself and that's why she can't be with me. Whatever the hell that means


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: bravo61] #2516243
12/11/14 12:01 PM
12/11/14 12:01 PM
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Posts: 598
New England Region
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Thanks for checking in bravo61. Will take a look at your sitch today.

Sounds eerily familiar unfortunately. would love to really know what that statement means - or is it just part of the script to help WAS somehow feel better about decisions they are making and the impact those decisions will have.

I have talked with my T (who the hell ever thought I would need one of those btw) and his perception is that W is growing/maturing and is doing that by pushing against me. Somehow through our R I became like a father figure to her (because I took care of her, took on solving many of her problems, dealt with some of her conflicts she didn't want to handle, etc....) and now she is rebelling against that.

I thought that I was doing a good thing and helping her but if he is right apparently not. Hard to tell completely though because he is not speaking directly with her. Just an impression he has developed from our conversations.....

Not sure if that is similar to your world or not - will catch up later today.....

Stay strong!


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2516253
12/11/14 01:15 PM
12/11/14 01:15 PM
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Posts: 9,676
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Your wife's statements make sense to me. But more importantly, they make sense to her.

Do you see how you disparage her, even now? She can't possibly be unhappy, you gave her everything she needed!!!! Right?

SF, I think I've been with you sense the beginning. Give your W the benefit of the doubt. Love her enough to let her go.

I know that's a tall order but you can do it.

Good luck.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2516445
12/11/14 08:57 PM
12/11/14 08:57 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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labug - thanks for continuing to follow along.

Originally Posted By: labug
Your wife's statements make sense to me. But more importantly, they make sense to her.

I get that the important thing is that they make sense to her right now. Please help me understand if you can - I believe that having a better understanding in this are would help in my efforts at detachment. At least I think so - but then again maybe not.

Originally Posted By: labug
Do you see how you disparage her, even now? She can't possibly be unhappy, you gave her everything she needed!!!! Right?

I think that you are referring to my comments below - I could have been more clear in my post. I don't want to seem disparaging at all.

Clearly something is missing from her happiness or she wouldn't be where she is at. That may be something from R with me or it may be something entirely different.

These were W's comments and what she was saying about herself. Also started initiatl conversations with T by stating that she was "broken" and wantd to be fixed.

Not my words - not sure if that changes anything with your comments??

Originally Posted By: SemperFi00

Her only comment is that she started down a path of self-discovery with a T to try and understand why she is not happy. Even though she has everything that she could want...... Right now she is at a place where she believes that her unhappiness has been caused by her constant focus on pleasing others and trying to make others happy at the expense of knowing who she really is.

And now for the first time in a long time she has her "voice" and knows that she can't become who she wants to be while married to me. In one of her analogies she compared herself to an alcoholic and I am the bottle of alcohol that she cannot resist.......

Don't really like the alcohol analogy and I believe that it is possible to have a voice as an individual and balance that with also being a mother and a spouse....

Originally Posted By: labug
SF, I think I've been with you sense the beginning. Give your W the benefit of the doubt. Love her enough to let her go.


Bless you for continuing to follow along - really appreciate the interest and commentary. I am trying really hard to get (and stay) in the place you describe above.


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2516492
12/11/14 10:58 PM
12/11/14 10:58 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
Couple of texts from W today - journaling here to try and help in processing

- 1st text. W called for Dr appt and had to update primary care assignment - previous one had retired. Took the time to update mine also to same person and sent text telling me. And that I could always change if I wanted someone different. Response: Ok. Sounds good. Thanks.

- 2nd text was about sheriff serving D paperwork to house. S18 was home from school and was aware, W told him that it was related to adoption paperwork for S9. In text again said so sorry things have happened the way they have. No response from me on this one yet.

here are some I am considering:

1. Thanks.
2. I am sorry also. Thanks for letting me know.
3. Thanks. We can talk more when I am back from TX.
4. Thanks. Why did you feel the need to hide this from S18?
5. Thanks. Maybe if this is so hard for you, it means that there is something worth exploring further before continuing down this road.
6. No response
7. Scathing response - but wpwould be inappropriate to write here and would be largely ineffective anyway......... May produce a very short-lived "feel good" moment. Long run wouldn't be worth it though..

Comments and 2x4s appreciated. Be gentle! - part of this is just sharing here to help with what I will actually do


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
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