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A Message from Michele
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Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2514308
12/05/14 08:49 PM
12/05/14 08:49 PM
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Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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I have thought about the reason why the piece of paper bothers me so much and the only thing that I can come up with is because it is an action vs W saying that she was going to do something.

Seems a little silly though - does that may any sense to anyone else? anyone else experience something similar.

At the end of the day it's not like the M we have had for the past few years has been strong or what I want....


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2514812
12/07/14 04:30 PM
12/07/14 04:30 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Posts: 598
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Couple of things have been rattling around my head the past days so trying to get them down here to see if there is any perspective from some of the vets or if it helps just to get them written down somewhere

- trying to stay focused on the fact that a failed marriage doesn't necessarily mean that I have to do through the rest of my life w/o a meaningful relationship and someone to share my life with.

- trying very hard to not feel guilty or like a failure due to the fact that W is not willing/able to try and repair the R. that truly is her choice that she gets to make and at some point will have to deal with (as much pain as it causes me and others it still is her choice)

I know these things intellectually but at times still can't quite shake the "feelings" described above......

I guess that's just part of the process and healing that needs to take place.

Stay strong and best wishes to all who find themselves in these situations.......


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2514919
12/07/14 11:17 PM
12/07/14 11:17 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 414
Godless NW
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bravo61 Offline
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i feel your pain SempFi. i feel your pain...
praying for ya.


M40 XW35
M11 T15
S9 D5
Bomb 6/3/14
Papers del 10/3/14
D final 12/5/14

I wish I could love you and make you believe it
'Cause that's all you ever wanted
From me

Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: bravo61] #2515213
12/08/14 08:39 PM
12/08/14 08:39 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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Thanks bravo61. Appreciate the sentiment and the prayers… will try to check out your situation over the next couple of days.

Posting and reading here has been helpful for me throughout this journey. Still backslide every now and then but knowing that there are others going through similar (and in some cases worse) situations is comforting and provides perspective.

The suggestions/opinions from those further along are also very helpful.

Thoughts and prayers with all here. Stay strong!


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2515476
12/09/14 03:29 PM
12/09/14 03:29 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline
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I've wondered how things were with you. Of course the intent to file was a jolt, you've both been in holding pattern for what, a year.

What's good about this that you want to hold on to?

Originally Posted By: SemperFi00
- trying to stay focused on the fact that a failed marriage doesn't necessarily mean that I have to do through the rest of my life w/o a meaningful relationship and someone to share my life with.

Tough question: what have you changed about you that will be attractive to the kind of woman you might may be interested in?

Quote:
trying very hard to not feel guilty or like a failure due to the fact that W is not willing/able to try and repair the R. that truly is her choice that she gets to make and at some point will have to deal with (as much pain as it causes me and others it still is her choice)

You're not a failure. The marriage failed. Learn from this and if you haven't let go, do.

On these boards oftentimes the LBS gets to the point when they're done, understandably. We pat them on the back, support them, etc. The reality is, the WAS got there, too. Just before we did.

She's not doing this TO you or the kids. She doesn't seem from what you've written, like a mean, destructive person. She's just done.

Let her be done.

Quote:
I know these things intellectually but at times still can't quite shake the "feelings" described above......

And that's OK, but they don't have to define you. Recognize that you feel sad, are grieving. I have a "feeling" that you've lived much of your life very out of touch with your feelings.

Get to know yourself.

Quote:
I guess that's just part of the process and healing that needs to take place.

mmm-Hmmm

((( )))


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2515847
12/10/14 03:12 PM
12/10/14 03:12 PM
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Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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labug, thanks for your comments. Will come back and comment on some of those points a little later.

Below is the text that I just received from W.

"Hi there - I just got a phone call from my attorney. First I owe you a huge apology. I truly thought that they would contact me before they sent letters. I would never have let you be blind sided. Anyway, obviously a lot for us to discuss. I don't want to do it through text or phone. I will call you after work. I am very sorry."

Arghh!!! How can this train be stopped and get W to realize the impact this will have on everyone and the difficulty/complexity it will introduce into all our lives.....

Can she really not see that there are options other than D????

Feels like another kick in the gut - ugh!


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2515893
12/10/14 04:20 PM
12/10/14 04:20 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Posts: 598
New England Region
ugh!!!! trying to get focused but that text is not helping and not at all what I needed while traveling on a business trip. WTH!!!

not quite sure how to respond to the text. options for consideration are below:

1. Thx - looking forward to the conversation
2. WTH - stop the madness and get your head screwed on straight
3. Thx for the update - appreciate your concern but I will be fine. Sorry that you feel this is what you must do but certainly understand that you are sad where you are at. And I don't like seeing you like that.
4. No response at all and wait for her to call to initiate the conversation.

Comments or 2x4s welcome! Have I mentioned before that I don't like this feeling.

Does it get easier once she completes the filing and the legal system begins to move forward?????

Arghhhh!!!! Leaving for St.Lucia for a month seems very appealing........ maybe a could get a job as a bartender!


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2515897
12/10/14 04:28 PM
12/10/14 04:28 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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It won't get easier until you let it go.

Response: Thanks.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2515905
12/10/14 04:45 PM
12/10/14 04:45 PM
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Posts: 2,900
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Rick1963 Offline
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Can she really not see that there are options other than D????

I am sorry to say but no she sees no other options. The WAS is not concerned at this time with consequences. Like Labug said, she had a head start over you and how she feels about it. They plan this in advance either consciously or unconsciously. Your expectations are hurting you. For me it got easier when it was all said and done and she moved out. And it continues to get easier as my life normalizes...
As for the text, wait for her to call you. it sounds like you are sitting home waiting for to change her mind. You need to GAL my friend.


M 53
D 20
Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24
Together 26 yrs
Married 16
W Filed for D 7/21/11
Served 9/6/11
D final 8/28/12

“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”

John Wooden





Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2515937
12/10/14 05:29 PM
12/10/14 05:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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SemperFi00  Offline OP
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New England Region
Originally Posted By: labug
It won't get easier until you let it go.


Though that I had - until I got the letter. And at the end of the day that is really just a piece of paper and a formality. At this point the M/R hasn't been what either of us has wanted for quite some time.

Still [censored].

I guess maybe what I had really done was adjusted to the way things were - wanted them to be different and willing to try things to make that happen. But I guess had adjusted/settled for how things were?

Patiently waiting in the hopes that something would create positive momentum while at the same time trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

Originally Posted By: labug
Response: Thanks.
I know that this probably the best response - then deal with what comes next.

Rick, have been doing much better with the GAL and moving forward with my own life (I think - hopefully this is just a momentary back slide). Think I was actually doing better with GAL, and changing things I wanted to change before the letter and the recent text. Will share more on that later.... And open to more suggestions.

Encouraging to know that potentially gets better once the process actually starts. Although her expectation is that I would leave the house and find a new place. Seems like an additional complication to try adn remain detached when continuing to live in the same household and sleep in the same bed. No real animosity, anger, spew, A........ bleech! - hate sounding this needy........

Maybe part of why this is having such an impact right now is because I am traveling for business so out of my normal environment?


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
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