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A Message from Michele
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Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2462743
06/23/14 09:28 PM
06/23/14 09:28 PM
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Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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Getting something down here so that maybe typing it out will remove it from being a distraction – sometimes that works, sometimes not……

S9 this morning was looking for something to eat and asked W to help – I was in the kitchen so offered and he because upset saying “not you”. I offered again and then quietly left him there telling him that if he needed help he could come and tell me.

W came into the kitchen and began saying to him that others could help, that he hurt my feelings which was not very nice and the he should apologize, that he wouldn’t like being treated that way by his friends and that it wasn’t very nice to hurt people and be mean…

I was in the office drinking a big ‘ol glass of STFU but was thinking to myself – hello pot, this is kettle.

Can WAS really be that disconnected and not see that the very things she is talking about to him can be applied to their own actions……

There it is out and down on paper so maybe I will be a bit less distracted…….

Thanks in advance for any commentary – or 2x4s!


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2462895
06/24/14 01:39 PM
06/24/14 01:39 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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labug  Offline
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Sonoran Desert
shocked Wow, I saw that interaction very differently.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2463325
06/25/14 03:19 PM
06/25/14 03:19 PM
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Posts: 1,030
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ces67 Offline
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Care to expand, LaBug?


Me:45, W:45
S:16 D:13
M:22, T:25
Bomb: July 2010
Putting finances in order for "D"
Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2463327
06/25/14 03:22 PM
06/25/14 03:22 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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hey labug, have been a little tied up at work the last couple of days.

I know my description is a little light on the details - Can you share a bit more on what you saw differently in the interaction? you know I always appreciate your perspective and 2x4s when warranted.

I think that it is great that W continues to work w/S9 on his reactions - the apraxia sometimes requires a little extra effort in this area both with us and in his interactions with peers.

We both work with him on this type of stuff so that's not an issue.

I didn't say anything but I was also a little puzzled on the disconnect I mentioned above.


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: ces67] #2463341
06/25/14 04:03 PM
06/25/14 04:03 PM
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Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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SF had mentioned earlier that he thought W might have been speaking disrespectfully about him to the kids. I was surprised to find that she was being very respectful and loving, although a bit shaming.

We all (most of us) walk around disconnected, in a fog, asleep, until we have some kind of awakening. Then we might become more introspective, willing to face our demons or we might just get more p!ssed off. We get to make that choice.

In the height of my "troubles" I knew I was unhappy and that I had interactions after which I thought, "wish I hadn't said that" but I never thought of myself as an ogre or a truly bad person. (sometimes I had those thoughts but I knew at my core I wasn't. All that goes way deeper than this discussion)

I'm pretty sure my H didn't wake up every day and think: Another Day in the Life of this Passive Conflict-Avoider. He was just being who he was.

I now have a very different perspective and can see the hurtful things I did and in some cases, why. I can be honest about my actions but I wasn't a bad person, I was doing the best I could at the time. Not an excuse, just the truth, that's all I had.

In the moment, before BD would you have described yourself the same way you would today? Have you thought to yourself, or of yourself: Well, I'm the pot calling the kettle black.

I wrote this on Maybell's thread yesterday: People who make us crazy are usually a good mirror, as they're reflecting something in us that we don't like. When someone triggers me these days, my first thought (well, maybe second) is hmmm, there's something I need to work on. I don't try to fix them, I work on fixing me.
(currently I'm practicing this a lot with my S21)

I'm not sure how clear this will be to others. Difficult concepts.


Last edited by labug; 06/25/14 04:08 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2463345
06/25/14 04:19 PM
06/25/14 04:19 PM
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labug Offline
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I could have connected this better.

Those triggers are my "pot calling the kettle black moments" but we can only recognize that in ourselves.

It all circles back to, we can only fix ourselves. So when I lok at someone else and want to judge I have to ask myself, What is it of me that I see in them?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2465440
07/02/14 03:28 PM
07/02/14 03:28 PM
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
Sonoran Desert
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labug Offline
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What's up, SF?


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: labug] #2513238
12/03/14 03:17 PM
12/03/14 03:17 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
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SemperFi00 Offline OP
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Hey labug, it's been awhile. Bad choice on my part I think.

Still trying to maintain as things continue to develop...... some good some not so good.

Will add more details later.....


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2513275
12/03/14 04:42 PM
12/03/14 04:42 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
S
SemperFi00 Offline OP
Member
SemperFi00  Offline OP
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Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
Ran across this and adding here to my thread as a reminder to myself.......

Be prepared to be painted as the bad guy. It's how they justify their behavior. Because if you weren't so terrible, then they'd be terrible people for doing this to a decent person. Can't have that, so they demonize us.

Don't take her actions personally.

Someone said, I think the wise Sandi2: "Q-TIP" =
Quit
Taking
It
Personally.

Most of the time, it's not really about you, it's ALL ABOUT THEM.


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Re: Trying to save (not sure if broken or bent) p2 [Re: SemperFi00] #2513818
12/04/14 09:49 PM
12/04/14 09:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
S
SemperFi00 Offline OP
Member
SemperFi00  Offline OP
Member
S
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 598
New England Region
Couple of quick updates on situation since last post……..

Adoption of nephew was finalized (in Aug)

W initiated paperwork for D a few days ago – I think it’s called an intent to file – even though this was just a piece of paper it brought up many of the “old” hurt feelings again which really [censored]! Nice holiday timing for that btw……..

In-laws were up for TGiving and we had an enjoyable day at SIL’s house (even though we were without power due to the snowstorm)

S16 and I traveled over the weekend to KC for the Sun football game (annual thing we started a couple of years ago to attend 1x a year – trying to make it to all stadiums eventually). Flt got delayed so we couldn’t come back until Tues but that just added to the adventure. In laws even waited at our arrival gate at the airport to tell us good bye

While in KC also got to visit with some friends that we setup up on a blind date more than 20 years ago. Have kids around the same ages and we used to vacation with them every year. While we were there it was painful to have S16 ask why we don’t do that anymore – no good answer for a 16 year old……… It was both fun (and a painful reminder) to catch up with them.


ugh - have I mentioned before how much I don't like this and all the pain it is causing???


Me-48,W-51
M-22,T-24
S- 18,16,9
Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date
Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch
Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only
Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
Page 4 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 6 10 11

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