Hi cq1, I am proud of you. I know this was difficult but it sounds like she is really disrespecting you. And you have no reason to put up with that. So I think you did the right thing. I'm no expert on DBing but she is really being horrible and I don't think you should have to live with that daily.
I think you need to continue to be strong. She needs freedom to figure out her crap and you need the space to heal and get yourself together.
I am wishing you the best of luck. This is super hard but you will come out on the other side even better, I know it! This woman does not deserve you! (at least not right now)
Big hug, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Hello everyone, thank you all for your support. It really helps. I mean it.
Starsky, I simply got the inspiration from your post on how you handle your sitch. Unfortunately, Mine have come down to this and I just needed to do what I feel is right. You have never advocated exposure. It was my choice. I sincerely appreciate your support in this difficult time of my life.
We have not spoken since. We crossed paths twice but I looked the other way. She texted me about our shop (work related) but it was not important so I avoided that. She will feel in a short time that I have checked out. I will update as time goes by.
We talked because she wanted to. She wanted the divorce. I said fine. I knew all along. Lets do it. Then a few hours past and she says she wants time for us still. I told her I know the ongoing A is still active. She denied that and lied to me again. On top of that she said she had promised the W of the OM that she will not talk or see OM. A fat out lie because they've been talking and secretly meeting up. Well, I am detaching at full force. The more lies she's throwing at me the easier it is. Simply, she's justifying my lost of trust to her and justifying why I shouldn't want to be with her.
In addition, she wants us both to be apart as much as we can so she can have more space in figuring out what she wants. I tell myself don't expect any hope or anything from this. However, the strong love I have for her keeps surfacing emotions of hope. What a mess. Anyone with suggestion, on how to handle this is much appreciated. Stay my courses, I am. Deep down, I don't want a divorce but really see now that I'm headed that way and accepting it the best I can. It's sad and scary at the same time. Just got to keep strengthening myself for the big D Day.
Yeah, it still hearts me to know that I must stay on my path. Especially in the mornings when I wake up and all my defenses are down. So once again, in retro spect the lies she's throwing at me is a good thing because its helping me detach. It hurts and helps at the same time. Isn't that weird how this works out?!?
Hi cq1, I am really proud of how strong you are being. I don't know why your W is acting like this but it sounds so crazy and disrespectful to you.
If she says she wants space, I say give her all the space you can. Toss her out of the house and let her figure it out. If you have proof she is lying to you then I would just say that, and tell her you cannot put up with it.
Sounds like the stronger you are and the more you keep your boundaries with her the more hope you have to possibly work this out. But it's going to take time and patience.
In the meantime take care of yourself. If you can maybe take a break and get away, do something nice for yourself, spend time with friends and family who can distract you and show you some fun!
Good luck and keep us posted! Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Update...since my stance in being done with fighting for our M, W has came to me tonight and wanted to work on our M. I reluctantly accepted. Because deep down I still love her. Now with this new change in my Sitch, I'm still skeptical about if it's sincerely true. I held back and didn't pursue or chase after the conversation. Three hours before she came to me we got into a heated discussion on our R. I stood my ground and spoke in a calm manner that I agreed that our R was done. I was just after the truth. She didn't admit that she still talks to the OM. She continued to lie and I knew that we were over. I stuck it to her that I didn't care about our M anymore. I simply wanted to leave this R with honesty and truth. She held her ground and didn't admit to her lies. She knew that I was serious because when she wanted to leave I did not pursue her at all.
I need suggestions from DBers on how I should handle this. Vets or anyone please help me shed light on this new twist of fate. How should I handle it??
We're still not sleeping on the same bed or in the same room. Im fine with that because I dont want to push things. Rather take it slow and watch her actions in determining if this is just a fluke.
So again, how should I be??? Should I jump right in and be the loving and caring H? I know my answer ...No. So then how should I be around her? In a way I want to be the best husband so she can see the changes that I've accomplished. My 180s are still in the works and I know that they are for me. im theilled that my LRT worked and she finally took a step towards me. She even reached out and held my hand as she spoke. I just dont want to get hurt all over again. so until then my guard will be up until she wins my trust back.
As for tomorrow morning, I want to reiterate to her that in order for us to make the best of this, I will not be comfortable if she still talks to the OM. I don't want to be controlling. But I will show her in words that out of respect anyone in my Sitch would want this and not even have to ask. I just feel that i should saynit to here, so she knows and hopefull realizes that my reasoning is profound. And I need to get this out because of what Ive seen and how hurtful this A was.
I've been also thinking, that Im still being played by them two. I just need to be careful and watch for signs.
So one minute she is literally saying she wants a D, and in the next minute she changed her story. Did you not question it? Do you have any type of agreement or plan in place, or was it more like she offered and you jumped on it without discussing conditions?
Why start out on lies? Nothing has changed. My bet is whenever she told OM she informed you she wanted a D, he told her it would be a while yet before he could leave his W and kids. So she had to make a u-turn in order to put you off filing.
Quote:
In addition, she wants us both to be apart as much as we can so she can have more space in figuring out what she wants
Exactly! Nothing has changed! She's still saying she doesn't know what she wants. Which is code for "I'm waiting to see what OM is going to do,". OM is her plan "A". You are the backup. If you EVER lay out your boundaries, it needs to be now. But I don't see a woman who wants to be in a MR here. I see someone bidding her time for security reasons. Just the other day, she and OM was still sneaking around. As long as she can simply deny it, then it keeps working for her. Have you made any requirements, or were you just planing to continue be the "pleaser"?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi cq1, congrats in getting your W to come to you!
I agree that now is not the time to start being loving and sweet to her however. Sounds like she is still lying and that you both have a lot to work on.
What about MC or something like that? Or IC?
I also do think you need to be firm about what is going on with the OM. Does his wife now know? I forget. I guess if she really wants to work on your M she will agree to be transparent about what is going on with OM. I'm not sure exactly what that entails but the vets can tell you the details. If she is still sneaking around and lying then yeah, forget about it.
Is there a financial or other kind of reason that she would want to stay with you? Like Sandi2 said, maybe then she is just playing you to get more time.
I am sending you strength and luck! Keep on doing your 180s and GAL. Watch to see what she does!
Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Just my opinion, but it looks like you are definitely being played here. The sooner you file the D, the better. Don't make an ultimatum that you don't follow up on. It makes you look weak. You need to show her that you are nobody's backup.
Get your ducks in a row. File the D. Go NC with your W. Sandi is right. She's just biding her time until OM is ready.
Why are you asking us now, after you already agreed?
You should have said "Hmmm; I'm not sure how I feel about that anymore," or "I'm afraid it's not that simple anymore -- I'll have to think about that." And then come here for advice.
If you already let her back in, without laying out your boundaries and conditions, it's going to be very difficult to lay them out now.
Thank you Sandi, Lisa, Starsky, and rec. I know I jumped back in too fast. But I'm in now and I will be aware. So as planned, I had a R talk with her today about her communicating with OM. She did get angry that I brought it up, but she needed to know my boundaries and I laid it out. She still did not admit to talking or seeing OM. She saud to me that this conversation has pushed her back from lasr night when she made a step towards us. I told her, i thought about that before this conversation and i knew that she may feel like this BUT it's that important to me that pushing her away is worth the risk. In addition, I told her what I needed to say is something that I will not put up with and it's just plain and simple respect. If she does continue to have interactions with OM and If she is playing me, I will find out by phone records and shove it in her face(not literally) and I will be done for good. I do feel good I laid my boundaries down. It's up to her now on how she respects it. Respect me. Her actions have definitely been more friendly. She's texting me more as well as calling. It feels good, but I do know that it could be fake. I decided to handle it in a neutral way for now, just to see how far and how much this new change in her will go. In the meantime, I continue to strengthen myself for whatever happens. Sometimes I feel great that its a change on how things were and sometimes I feel angry that it could not be real.
Sandi, I love how you are right to the point. As for me being a pleaser, no not anymore. I've grown from that and realize fr what you told me before about this. Just going to be calm and neutral in my ways now. Continue to get a life and build strength in myself.
As for hope in my M, I don't think about it much as before. I realize it's because of all the pain from the A and lies. In a way, this helped me find my self confidence.
