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Wonka #2460684 06/16/14 08:33 AM
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She came back after a couple of hours and was in a really good mood. She came to me and said "today is Father's Day would you like to go out for dinner or stay home and cook a nice meal?" I was a bit stunned. I opted to stay home and cook a nice meal and just to be like a family we used to be. We both cooked and didn't mention anything about R and emotions. It was nice. She prepared the food and we both cooked it together. Then we played with our dogs. Laughed a little. It was a nice evening of respect and peaceful emotions. The night ended and she went back upstairs. I'm not thinking too much into it though because tomorrow may go right back into the hurt and painful feelings of a WAS. For once, I felt good about myself because my guard is up for MYSELF.

Wonka and Sandi, I thank you both for the insights of an A and the ways to handle it. I have been thinking about what you both said all night.

cq1 #2460685 06/16/14 08:41 AM
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I am slowly detaching. Time does help. I know it is for me, but can't stop the notion of thinking that this can bring her back too. I'm thinking that detaching is also a way that I am giving her space. I'm also feeling that it's the Mother load of a 180. Like instead of being so needy and dependent on her for my own happiness. Showing her that I'm a man for who I am. Standing strong. I started this morning when she came down to say good morning. I kept mostly to myself instead of doing any kind of pleasing. But still answered her questions with short answers. I didn't try to start conversation for once. I will continue, and we'll see how this works.

cq1 #2460699 06/16/14 11:21 AM
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I am so sorry you are in this pain. I try to pay forward the help I received by giving the view from the other side. It's painful to hear b/c this woman you love and M seems gone, yet you want to try to reason with her as if she is still that same person. She was in her own pain, too. Her pain grew over time. We don't know how long. Now she's made things very complicated and you are experiencing all your pain and agony at once. She turned to OM for comfort, direction, or something else. You have now turned to her for some direction. She can't give you direction. She can't give you what she doesn't have.

In spite of how it must look, I doubt her intent was to see how she could hurt you in the very worst way. When she didn't want to answer your question about working on the M, it is b/c of a few reasons:

* She is waiting to see what OM is going to do
* She is making preparations for her departure at a later date
* She is confused and hesitant to step out on her own
* She is thinking about staying longer, but can't see it getting better
* She intends to be available to OM
* She could give the answer you wanted to hear, so she avoided it

Another cold fact is your W is probably not capable of contributing much working effort on the MR yet. Her interest and energy for the M is dead. She may be the kind who could put on a good front and fake it, but it will take a lot of time before it will be from her heart. I was so depressed and full of so much bitterness that it took a long time to just get to the level of being willing to put forth some effort.

Being a former WAW, it seems to me that it is the belief of the LBH that since he's discovered the A and confronted the guilty......it should take care of things and she should be able to make a snap decision and throw 100% effort in the healing the M. Truth is....If it happens at all, it's a very slim chance she is going to throw herself back into the MR.

You guys need to realize it took time for her to get to the place she's in now. Just b/c you confronted her about the A! It did nothing to snap her feelings from OM back to you. which is another reason you saw no remorse. I read very few stories where there were no expectations from an confrontation. The desired "response" seldom happens the way the LBH is seeking.

Now the OM may try to keep his word to you, but I think they will find a way to stay in contact. He is afflicted too. If he is not worried he'll be exposed to his W, he'll take the risk.

I think you will have to tell them you will not be put in a position of living a lie. That may be all that's necessary to say, IDK.

Starsky would be able to give more precise information alone these lines. Personally, I think this should be kept between the four of you....if possible. But Starsky can help much more than I can with how to word things, etc.

It is not my intentions to put more pressure on you. I'm just trying to inform you. The rest is up to you. But please talk to Starsky before doing any type of exposure. It doesn't hurt to just listen to it.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2460966 06/17/14 07:47 AM
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Words of wisdom and guidance. Thank you.

cq1 #2461296 06/18/14 07:00 AM
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Starsky may I have your thoughts please.

cq1 #2461341 06/18/14 01:18 PM
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What's the question? confused


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Just your thoughts on Sandi's reply.

cq1 #2461627 06/19/14 02:55 AM
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Wow Sandi you've done it again,

Your perspective as a former WAW is invaluable IMHO.

Everything you explained above is just about dead on with my troubles and I venture to guess a lot of others on here.

Thanks again!!

Things look bad but I hold out great hope without the trap of expectation( I think).


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
cq1 #2461693 06/19/14 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted By: cq1
Just your thoughts on Sandi's reply.


There's a lot in there; what is your specific question?

I cannot advise you on exposure, as it's against DB principles.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Shoot! I should not have even used the "E" word at the end of my post. Sorry, I didn't mean to put you on the spot. I was really thinking how you would make an excellent mentor. I know how talented you are with wording impressive responses........and in this case, maybe have a little guy talk regarding the lies/deception toward OM's W.


cool


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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